Sivok Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Hey guys, So I've been on a few dates with different girls lately (I've been back to the scene for 3 weeks now) and so far I haven't gotten past a 3rd date. None of the results have really surprised me as the puzzle pieces haven't all clicked, but how do you keep yourself grounded and pushing? I feel myself draining and becoming demotivated fast... Especially since I have so little free time with my new job. Any tips appreciated
OrangeSnack Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 dont give up, dating is like running a marathon.
carhill Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Do you see any commonalities? If you had to pick one reason why these never went past the third date, what would it be? Looking back (whoa, a long ways back), my single most common mistake was not discerning disinterest early enough. At that time, at that age, I didn't yet understand that most women make a nearly immediate decision about potential and any future investment is either to further it or verify their initial disinterest before dumping. What's your lesson/experience?
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 My opinion is that when men fail to get past the 3rd date or reach a certain distance with women and it shows as a pattern that there is something that they lack awareness in. They may not see that they talk too much, they don't listen well enough, they have an attitude or manners that come off disrespectful, they're very uninteresting. You have to look at yourself on these dates and try to figure out what If anything you have down wrong or If it was just an incompatibility. Because of you met these women, had an initial spark and interest, then it just fell off the radar then you did something to burn it...so what Is it that you're doing? Sometimes it takes some trial and error to refine yourself and see how you're coming off on dates and interactions with women, think of any overriding emotions or anything you may be doing to an excess. Too aggressive, too passive, does conversation fall off? are you coming off creepy or saying the wrong things? talking too much about your past? Get yourself figured out and squared away and I believe you'll have more success. But don't give up, you need to learn how to ride your bike again.
carhill Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 For myself, it was becoming less interested in the nuances of their lives and more interested in my hands moving up their blouse and my lips nibbling at their bodies. That was the defining change which, along with better sensing disinterest, moved failed dating into successful dating, LTR's and, eventually getting married. Essentially, being more 'male'. I caught myself in the same -before- pattern while separated but quickly recovered and moved on. Sometimes those old habits sneak back in. At my age, staying 'grounded' is essentially acknowledging dating as one tiny part of an otherwise full life. 1
Author Sivok Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 (edited) Carhill I think you hit it on the head with that comment. Conversation is really easy and I have no trouble getting physical with a woman immediately (as in hugs, etc), the issue is the sexual reluctance. I used to be very overweight so I always lacked sexual confidence - I may want to rip off their blouse with my teeth (and the recent girls I dated did compliment me on my looks) but I get... scared? I don't break out of my comfort zone. Of all three girls, I just didn't get sexual enough I think. I was reluctant and keeping it safe... when I really didn't have to. Any tips that helped change your mentality? Edited March 1, 2012 by Sivok
RedRobin Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 What are you pushing for exactly? I'll tell you what makes me not want to see a man again... - pushing for physical intimacy without taking the time to get to know me and especially if he is dating multiple women simultaneously. - asking overly detailed or overly personal things on the first few dates. If you've Googled me or insist on connecting via Facebook right away, then you likely won't get another date. - talking negatively about their ex(s). - any major inconsistencies between their words and deeds. 1
Author Sivok Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 No, none of those - even if she tells me really specific things about herself or that she's multidating, I don't tell. I'm moreso having an issue where trust and attraction has been established, but my mind is telling me 'oh she just wants to talk, I'm not attractive enough to make a move - she'll deny me' and then whatever chemistry there was fizzles out. Making moves when I should is the issue - not making them and getting rejected
RedRobin Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 ok. I understand now. You could proceed gently and just watch to see her reaction. If you are getting hugs, then hmm... place one of your hands on the small of her back and press in gently... then see where that goes. Do NOT do the kind of hug you give your relatives or a big bear hug like you give friends and small children. I had someone do that to me and it was a big turnoff. That, and when he patted my dog's head, it was overly rough and made his head bounce a little. I definately got the idea he'd be kind of a clutz in the sack (no offense). Well, for me at least. It's too bad more men don't take dance classes or something like that. It really teaches them how to hold a woman. Might get you over your body conscienceness too.
Author Sivok Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 I generally do a quick, soft, gentle hug on greeting - not a long bear hug or a damaging bro hug haha. I don't know, it's strange. I feel confident about my sack abilities... but not in getting there. I'm going to think about it a bit more and think if i can phraes it better...
Nightsky Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 For myself, it was becoming less interested in the nuances of their lives and more interested in my hands moving up their blouse and my lips nibbling at their bodies. That was the defining change which, along with better sensing disinterest, moved failed dating into successful dating, LTR's and, eventually getting married. Essentially, being more 'male'. Carhill I think you hit it on the head with that comment. Conversation is really easy and I have no trouble getting physical with a woman immediately (as in hugs, etc), the issue is the sexual reluctance. I used to be very overweight so I always lacked sexual confidence - I may want to rip off their blouse with my teeth (and the recent girls I dated did compliment me on my looks) but I get... scared? I don't break out of my comfort zone. Carhill is a wise man. Stop being scared to just be you. You're not that fat guy anymore, in fact losing the weight should show you that you never were just some fat guy. Instead of just a hug, make it a hug & kiss on the lips. Instead of just waiting for the check to arive with friendly conversation touch her legs. You need to be sexual if you want a romantic relationship. You can't just be all friendly and business like and expect things to progress. Why not txt the women who rejected you after a 3rd date something blantantly sexual. "I can't get you out of my mind it was so hard to control myself around you, meet with me now!" 1
volkl1996 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I am not sure what it is you are looking for. Sex after 2-3 dates is not unusual. If you want to get over your fear and insecurities of your looks you will have to take a step forward and be more assertive...and be ready to get rejected. That does not mean she is not attracted to...maybe she is just not ready for that step. I seem to have the opposite problem. My dates get very intimate very fast and sexual too. I "wish" I had your problem!
fishtaco Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 For myself, it was becoming less interested in the nuances of their lives and more interested in my hands moving up their blouse and my lips nibbling at their bodies. That was the defining change which, along with better sensing disinterest, moved failed dating into successful dating, LTR's and, eventually getting married. Essentially, being more 'male'. I caught myself in the same -before- pattern while separated but quickly recovered and moved on. Sometimes those old habits sneak back in. At my age, staying 'grounded' is essentially acknowledging dating as one tiny part of an otherwise full life. Me too. Part of my transformation was to become more aggressive with women. I was the typical nice guy that was capable of staying gentlemanly even after the 20th date, because I "respected women". But that's not what women want or expect. They expect boys to act like boys. Which coincidentally, works to my advantage anyway... I get laid. So now I'd push for as much as they'd give me. I was trying to fine tune how much was too forceful, and how much I could push. But every woman is different, and the more they like you, the more they will let you push. So it goes back to reading social cues. Anyway, I think the OP should multidate and be more aggressive. Multidating is great because when one drops out, you still have three more, so who cares? And always keep in mind, if you make a move, and it could be explained away by "oh boys will be boys", then do it. But I'm in a relationship now, and I'd be lying if I say I didn't miss being single, so I can only live vicariously through you guys now. Go get 'em!!!
RedRobin Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 (edited) I generally do a quick, soft, gentle hug on greeting - not a long bear hug or a damaging bro hug haha. I don't know, it's strange. I feel confident about my sack abilities... but not in getting there. I'm going to think about it a bit more and think if i can phraes it better... Why quick? And why just on greeting? Ok, I'll tell you a story... There was a guy I was into, but he hadn't made a move for the longest time. That night, he gave me a goodbye hug... a long, pull-me-into-him hug. Then a soft kiss on the cheek as his hand went up to stroke the back of my neck. Then he pulled away, smiled, and said "See you!" You better believe I was looking forward to seeing him next time. TO THIS DAY... that hug lives in infamy the rest of it was pretty darned awesome too. hee hee. You'll probably get lots of different advice on the, what's it called? multi-dating? If I detect a man is dating multiple women (and I can always tell) I don't accept additional dates. The whole idea of having an 'exclusive' talk is foreign to me. I'd never develop trust for a man that was seeing other women while he was seeing me, so it would never get to that point. Kind of a chicken/egg question. Edited March 1, 2012 by RedRobin
Author Sivok Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 I guess all there is to it is to be less fearful of being sexually aggressive - both socially and physically. I'll give it a shot and let you guys know how it goes. First off, I need to get a new line up of girls to date
Nightsky Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I guess all there is to it is to be less fearful of being sexually aggressive - both socially and physically. I'll give it a shot and let you guys know how it goes. First off, I need to get a new line up of girls to date Yes just be natural, no need to act like a girl. I told you give it one last perverted shot at the old ones you liked. This can be done in the course of one night so don't act like its to much work. Also realize that it can take a while to find a girl you like that likes you Don't feel rushed you have as long as you need.
Author Sivok Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 I wrote out that text, took me like 10 minutes to finally get the guts to send it - but hey, part of being aggressive. Sent!
Nightsky Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 I wrote out that text, took me like 10 minutes to finally get the guts to send it - but hey, part of being aggressive. Sent! damn and at this time of night... thats aggressive olright. Be proud of yourself and do not apologize if they try to give you a guilt trip. Any response means they liked it haha. You're a cool guy Sivok, you felt like doing something and did it. If you just do what ever comes into your head like this on a date you'll be having fun whether it works out or not. It will also be more likely to work out.
Author Sivok Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 Haha, didn't get a response and you know what - I'm not overthinking it or anything either. It's actually really funny to me... The thought that entered my head as I hit send was '**** it - I really have nothing to lose'. I just gotta keep thinking like that
Nightsky Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Haha, didn't get a response and you know what - I'm not overthinking it or anything either. It's actually really funny to me... The thought that entered my head as I hit send was '**** it - I really have nothing to lose'. I just gotta keep thinking like that Now you're cooking with fire. Your real time to shine will be on a date. Have fun you seem like a catch. A guy who would protect a girl, so don't be afraid to have fun with her too. Keep up the good work of enjoying dating. This is sort of off topic but what happened with your exgf? If its in another thread I'll go look now.
Author Sivok Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 Now you're cooking with fire. Your real time to shine will be on a date. Have fun you seem like a catch. A guy who would protect a girl, so don't be afraid to have fun with her too. Keep up the good work of enjoying dating. This is sort of off topic but what happened with your exgf? If its in another thread I'll go look now.Which one? haha. The one who lied about her age is long gone - I cut her off immediately
Nightsky Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Which one? haha. The one who lied about her age is long gone - I cut her off immediately Good answer haha.
Author Sivok Posted March 18, 2012 Author Posted March 18, 2012 Man this is getting so tough for me. I burnt out of online dating and gave that a rest. I've been going out 2-3 nights every week and I haven't been able to approach a single girl... I just talk with my friends. I'm having so much trouble breaking that glass ceiling
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