RedRobin Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I must correct myself. In this thread (sorry can't link to individual posts), I offered the following, and think the other perspectives offered in the thread could also have relevance here, particularly in the area of aspects of attraction, something which doesn't happen between platonic friends. So, 'yet in 52' was written in error. In fact, more than an error, the lady referenced has never looked to me for support, rather been a positive example of a healthy and stable wife and mother. Thanks for the reminder. " Generally, that the range of thoughts and emotions which exist in them and for which they desire and expect validation, understanding and support are the same for a man. The specifics might be different but the psychology of connection is the same. I'll provide a short and specific personal example of the positive: Recently, I was having beers at my best friend's house and his CEO dropped by with his wife, whom I hadn't seen in a number of years. BF and CEO went off to try out a new gun BF had bought and I caught up with his wife. She asked me how I had been doing and I casually mentioned that the past year hadn't been so good but I was recovering OK, as I had assumed CEO, who's been a friend for about 15 years, had told his wife about my divorce and mother's death. Wrong assumption. So, here is this lady shocked by the news but instantly switches to comfort and compassion mode, engaging me about the details and proactively offering support and compassion and asking for some advice as one of her relatives has Alzheimer's (what my mom died of)...bla, bla, we're still at it when BF and CEO come back and it was like the interceding years had not happened. I caught up on her three kids lives and how the family was doing and, when they left, she and I gave each other a hug and wished each other well. Those kinds of things stand out in my mind. In that thirty minutes she, as a friend's wife, showed more apparent compassion and understanding than I likely received in the first year of my mom's illness from my exW. Understanding about sorrow, about fear, about small joys in the pain, on and on. OTOH, I shared understanding with CEO's wife about the joys in their lives, their children, while empathizing with the realities of her relatives struggle with mental illness. OK, that's one example..... it may seem inconsequential but, when one has seen a dearth of such understanding in their life, little things stand out. Carry on. " Hope things work out. I'm glad she was able to offer a positive example of what you were missing in your former relationship. Now you know what to look for. So often, I feel that so many of us have made poor relationship choices in the past because we didn't have the best examples of what a healthy relationship looks like... or feels like. It especially hurts when you feel like the one willing to struggle through the misunderstandings and hurts that come with a committed relationship... only to have the other person walk away with your emotional investment. But to the OP's point. I think the question is, what is your stake in this relationship or friendship? If your only reason for maintaining contact with her and listening to her is to hopefully escalate to something romantic, then that isn't fair to her. If she's not offering sincere friendship in return to you in some fashion, then she's not a friend either. I do realize that people's feelings can and do change over time. If your feelings have changed to a more romantic one, then the responsibility is yours to manage that. You either tell her and put your cards on the table or you find a way to get over them for the greater benefit of the friendship. It's not her fault if you have feelings for her.
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