Mark1 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 -A very good female friend of mine is in my city tomorrow -She said she wants to get together, and that she is having some "relationship issues" she wants to talk about -What are the chances she wants to hook up?
carhill Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Women don't tell men their problems to enable 'hooking up'. They tell men their problems because some men think that it's an opening to hook up and it provides a repository for those negative emotions as well as validation of her potency, as a man will sit there and listen to her problems. This is known as being a 'tampon'. When you note that she really isn't interested in your life and times during such meetings, except perhaps superficially, that's the feeling of insertion. Mmmm.... Try 'hooking up' with her and report back how it goes. I'm always willing to learn. If you want to trade tampon for a little noogie, I guess that's a fair trade.
Imajerk17 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 -A very good female friend of mine is in my city tomorrow -She said she wants to get together, and that she is having some "relationship issues" she wants to talk about -What are the chances she wants to hook up? Low. She wants your advice and perspective. What are friends for. Hopefully you're not friends with her only so you can one day get with her. BUT a friendship can't be one-sided. You'll listen to her for an hour or two, and then you can get her to help you meet some women yourself.
Thieves Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Women don't tell men their problems to enable 'hooking up'. They tell men their problems because some men think that it's an opening to hook up and it provides a repository for those negative emotions as well as validation of her potency, as a man will sit there and listen to her problems. Frankly, this is ridiculous, and I'm very tired of hearing this explanation being scattered through these forums. If a woman (friend or not) isn't giving a man sex, then listening to her problems occasionally like an actual friend is basically looked down upon? That makes no sense. Especially if the two are friends. Would you call a woman who listened to a male friend's problems and asked for advice a 'tampon'? Simply because she decides to share her personal life with a guy, especially if she takes the time to listen to him too, doesn't mean there needs to be a sexual trade-off. Perhaps she actually values him as a friend. I realize taking advantage happens, but I think it's extremely sad that some men resort to thinking that they're being "used" somehow whenever they're friends with a woman. As if the woman 'owes' the man something more -- like sex -- because she seeks feedback on problems she's experiencing, or because he had the patience to sit back and listen. I think advising the OP to hook up with the girl is a little shallow. She's having relationship issues that she's concerned about, and the first thing he should do is dive in there and make a pass at her?
carhill Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 It's not 'ridiculous', rather it's been my life experience. Are you calling me out, lady? If so, let's get to it. I'm feeling frisky tonight. Un-tamponish. Would you call a woman who listened to a male friend's problems and asked for advice a 'tampon'? I've yet to experience this in my 52.
Thieves Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 It's not 'ridiculous', rather it's been my life experience. Are you calling me out, lady? If so, let's get to it. I'm feeling frisky tonight. Un-tamponish. I've yet to experience this in my 52. Carhill, I just think people have to realize how insulting it is to some women to be thought of as using male friends who they actually care about and value. It's not a good feeling when you feel like others are basically telling you to 'shut up and put out', or else you're a selfish user -- even if you're only friends with the person involved.
kaylan Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Op...find some quality single women to deal with. Whats with your threads lately?
carhill Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Let's take it to the OP. This is where I get pissed off. Deal with him, not me. OP, is this a woman who's been there for you, let you cry on her shoulder, commiserated over the loss of a loved one with you, brought you chicken soup when you're sick, etc, etc? Who is this 'very good female friend' and why would you consider her to be 'hook up' material when she brings 'relationship troubles' to your city?
Thieves Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Let's take it to the OP. This is where I get pissed off. Deal with him, not me. I was only going along with what you yourself said. You said, "Let's get to it", and so I did. But if you say so. OP, is this a woman who's been there for you, let you cry on her shoulder, commiserated over the loss of a loved one with you, brought you chicken soup when you're sick, etc, etc? Who is this 'very good female friend' and why would you consider her to be 'hook up' material when she brings 'relationship troubles' to your city? I'd be interested in the OP's answers to this. I'm personally more interested in a specific point. He considers her to be a very good friend, yet when she's in stormy waters with her love life, one of the first questions is 'hook up'. If I were in the female's shoes and somehow knew about this, I'm not sure if I'd be very consoled by that. I get that it's natural to be attracted to friends of the opposite sex, but sometimes there's a need to put that attraction on the backburner if it inhibits one's ability to be a reliable friend. But, of course, it wouldn't be fair of me to assume much at all until there's a little more clarification...
Ruby Slippers Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I've yet to experience this in my 52. Right now, I can think of at least a dozen times in the past 6 months when I've listened and given advice to two male friends about their woman troubles. Both of these guys have expressed some interest in me in the past, but I'm not interested and politely declined. They're dating other women now, and I give them advice whenever they ask. What I am usually advising them to do is to stop being so doormat-y and ridiculously accommodating to the women.
carhill Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I'll be more specific. I've yet to have that <mutual> experience with *any* LS female who's brought her problems to my doorstep. Things around this place aren't always what they seem. A couple did express their condolences when my mother died. That's it. What I am usually advising them to do is to stop being so doormat-y and ridiculously accommodating to the women. That would be my advice in this instance.
Author Mark1 Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 I don't mind her coming to me for help. I don't feel like an emotional tampon at all, that's very narrow minded. I've talked to her about some of my problems too. I'm not going to try to take advantage of her, just interesting she sought me out.
carhill Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Why would you even think of 'hooking up' with a female friend? You asked the direct question: "What are the chances she wants to hook up?" Do you normally 'hook up' with your platonic female friends when they bring relationship troubles to you? You started the thread and asked for opinions. I gave you mine. If it doesn't apply, it doesn't. I might have an opinion about your thought processes regarding female friends (I do, actually) but decorum prevents me from voicing it right now.
Author Mark1 Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Why would you even think of 'hooking up' with a female friend? You asked the direct question: "What are the chances she wants to hook up?" Do you normally 'hook up' with your platonic female friends when they bring relationship troubles to you? You started the thread and asked for opinions. I gave you mine. If it doesn't apply, it doesn't. I might have an opinion about your thought processes regarding female friends (I do, actually) but decorum prevents me from voicing it right now. Go ahead, please do. That's like saying, "I have a secret, but I can't tell you." Real mature.
carhill Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 No, mature is avoiding personal attacks and sticking to the topic. That's mature. Now, answer the question.
Author Mark1 Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 No, mature is avoiding personal attacks and sticking to the topic. That's mature. Now, answer the question. Which? Do I normally hook up with female friends? No, I never have.
carhill Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Then why would you ask such a question and bring it to this forum for comment? BTW, this is a page right out of our MC's book. Nothing new here. It gets to the heart of the matter.
Thieves Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I don't mind her coming to me for help. I don't feel like an emotional tampon at all, that's very narrow minded. I've talked to her about some of my problems too. I'm not going to try to take advantage of her, just interesting she sought me out. Mark, I'm not really following you on your thread. You said you don't feel like an emotional tampon, which isn't surprising since you described her as a very good female friend. However, you also say you don't want to take advantage of her. If this is true, then why would you ask in your OP about the chances of hooking up with her? Wouldn't that kind of be taking advantage of her if she's currently in a vulnerable spot in her love life? I'm not attempting to attack you, just trying to figure out your thought process on this. She could've sought you out simply because, as you said, you consider her a very good female friend, so she probably sees you the same way too: as a very good male friend she can talk to.
Author Mark1 Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Mark, I'm not really following you on your thread. You said you don't feel like an emotional tampon, which isn't surprising since you described her as a very good female friend. However, you also say you don't want to take advantage of her. If this is true, then why would you ask in your OP about the chances of hooking up with her? Wouldn't that kind of be taking advantage of her if she's currently in a vulnerable spot in her love life? I'm not attempting to attack you, just trying to figure out your thought process on this. She could've sought you out simply because, as you said, you consider her a very good female friend, so she probably sees you the same way too: as a very good male friend she can talk to. I guess if she made a move, I would feed off of that. But I wouldn't make the first move.
Thieves Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I guess if she made a move, I would feed off of that. But I wouldn't make the first move. Ah... In this case, even if she does make a move and you decide to take it, try to be very careful and keep your eye out for a pattern. What I mean by this is be aware, and keep track of how often she comes to you when things are 'stormy' in her life. The last thing you want, I'm sure, is for your friendship to be affected by other feelings/attractions that could get in the way.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I'll be more specific. I've yet to have that <mutual> experience with *any* LS female who's brought her problems to my doorstep. Things around this place aren't always what they seem. A couple did express their condolences when my mother died. That's it. That would be my advice in this instance. This is a bit off topic, but I used to feel that I gave more than I got in some ways. But now, I am much more direct about asking for help, advice, and anything else, when I need it. I used to put up this strong, self-sufficient front, so people assumed I didn't need anything. I did -- I was just afraid to ask. But I'm not anymore.
january2011 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 She sought you out to get together and talk about relationship troubles, why not just take it at face value and accept that that is all she wants?
carhill Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I won't name any names but I did ask for help, more than once, and was blown off (meaning not responded to) regarding private issues which had no place in forum business. Suffice to say I've had a boatload of less than stellar experiences with 'friends' visiting to share relationship problems. Unlike the OP, I have no interest in poking a female friend for sport, even if she propositioned me, and some have. It's wrong, for me, especially if they're in a relationship or married to someone else. I recall getting the 'of course there will be no sex' speech from a LS'er I got to know in real life. Well, duh, you're a friend and could be my daughter so of course that won't happen. Man, it's a fµcking weird world out there.
RedRobin Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 (edited) comment previously addressed... Edited March 1, 2012 by RedRobin
carhill Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I must correct myself. In this thread (sorry can't link to individual posts), I offered the following, and think the other perspectives offered in the thread could also have relevance here, particularly in the area of aspects of attraction, something which doesn't happen between platonic friends. So, 'yet in 52' was written in error. In fact, more than an error, the lady referenced has never looked to me for support, rather been a positive example of a healthy and stable wife and mother. Thanks for the reminder. " So, what is it that you wish more women were understanding of Generally, that the range of thoughts and emotions which exist in them and for which they desire and expect validation, understanding and support are the same for a man. The specifics might be different but the psychology of connection is the same. I'll provide a short and specific personal example of the positive: Recently, I was having beers at my best friend's house and his CEO dropped by with his wife, whom I hadn't seen in a number of years. BF and CEO went off to try out a new gun BF had bought and I caught up with his wife. She asked me how I had been doing and I casually mentioned that the past year hadn't been so good but I was recovering OK, as I had assumed CEO, who's been a friend for about 15 years, had told his wife about my divorce and mother's death. Wrong assumption. So, here is this lady shocked by the news but instantly switches to comfort and compassion mode, engaging me about the details and proactively offering support and compassion and asking for some advice as one of her relatives has Alzheimer's (what my mom died of)...bla, bla, we're still at it when BF and CEO come back and it was like the interceding years had not happened. I caught up on her three kids lives and how the family was doing and, when they left, she and I gave each other a hug and wished each other well. Those kinds of things stand out in my mind. In that thirty minutes she, as a friend's wife, showed more apparent compassion and understanding than I likely received in the first year of my mom's illness from my exW. Understanding about sorrow, about fear, about small joys in the pain, on and on. OTOH, I shared understanding with CEO's wife about the joys in their lives, their children, while empathizing with the realities of her relatives struggle with mental illness. OK, that's one example..... it may seem inconsequential but, when one has seen a dearth of such understanding in their life, little things stand out. Carry on. " Hope things work out.
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