Divorce Issues: Holding papers for ransom

[TylerOSU]

So we filed a no-contest divorce here in Oregon, and I sent her the papers. She has had them for over a month and has not signed and sent them back.

 

Now I find out shes basically ransoming the papers for some money($300), which she describes as reasonable considering she could ask for more, alimony(married 3.5yrs), half my savings($3k) etc. What makes this kind of outrageous is our backstory.

 

She couldn't work the entire time we have been married due to medical issues and the fact she was filing for disabilities. I have been footing the bill for everything, on a meager $23-25k a year 3.5years. It's been kinda rough to say the least.

 

Payed for med insurance for her even for one year, over $3.5k alone.

 

What worries me is shes like a wounded animal, she has no money, no job, is living with friends in Texas. She's hurt and shes the kind of person if you get on her bad side she will blowup the bridge and then nuke it. It's not pretty.

 

She's also making semi-outlandish claims about how she worked harder than me, DESERVES some money etc etc. It's not like she chhose to be a stay at home wife. She had no choice and we both agreed it was the best option she could do to help our relationship, and her little chores(cleaning, some cooking, taking care of our dog, few errands) were basically expected. She's very much in that narccistic/victim mode of thinking. Bi-polar, depression etc etc...a real mess.

 

So in my mind, I am considering giving her some money in exchange for the papers just to get it out of the way, but I'm a little wary because she theoretically could just keep milking me(though I doubt it, plus I wouldn't give her any more once she broke that trust). I thought maybe give her half ($150) with a signed note or something and she sends the papers ,and she gets the other half...I dunno. I think out of the goodness of my heart she deserves something to help her transition, but the way she's going about it seems wrong brokering the papers for the cash.

 

I have to pay for the divorce fees($100-400), send all her stuff somewhere(moms/friends), and also deal with our dog still.

 

I know I need to talk to a lawyer more about this kind of stuff...but I thought i would run it by you folks since many of have been here, done that.

 

Crazy times.

[carhill]

If I was to look at your case summary at the courthouse, what would it look like?

 

'Papers' are paper and nothing more unless they're filed.

 

You file, pay the filing fee, and have a process server serve them upon your estranged wife in Texas. In that filing, you ask for motions regarding support, custody, etc.

 

If she agrees with the papers served upon her and chooses not to file a response with the court, then you proceed to summary/default judgment, with or without an agreement, and the marriage ends. If she files a 'contest', meaning a response to your lawsuit, with the court, then you've got a contested divorce on your hands.

 

I might have missed a detail or two but that's the gist of it.

 

I'll use our case as a great example. Say I was a prick and refused to sign the MSA (agreement and judgment) though I did not file a timely response with the court; then my exW would have filed forms moving for a default judgment upon the original filing and I would have been subject to the court's disposition of that motion without recourse because I waived that right when I did not respond to the petition. I live in Cali so things may be a bit different here but it's all down at the courthouse and I know Oregon has self-help staff at many of its courthouses just like here in Cali. They were great.

 

So, no ransom, as far as I can tell. Educate me more. Welcome to LS.

[TylerOSU]

Thx for reply.

 

So basically you are saying I can just file a new set of papers here(she has the no contest ones, unsigned by me btw) and force her hand to either contest or it will go default?

 

I don't want to get into game of chicken of course....I mean she has no money and her resources are limited to fight it via legal means, so she would probably capitulate, I just don't want to go down that route if at all possible.

 

I don't mind sending her a few hundred as our personal agreed upon deal for closure, I just don't want that to create some kind of legal issues in the future.

 

Once I get the divorce over with and the marriage is ended, am I free and clear?

 

I have an appointment with a local low income law office hereon Tuesday, but they charge Minimum $500-750, and thats more for paperwork and stuff which I can handle. I just want some advice on how to negotiate with my wife so we don't have to go the lawyer BS route.

[TylerOSU]

There are a lot of "papers" in a divorce proceeding. Which papers are you trying to get her to sign? I assume a Waiver of Citation? If so, then skip it, pay $100 and have a process server deliver the papers to her.

 

No its the whole entire packet for the no contest divorce paper, 4 places to sign. All I have to do is get that back, sign it myself, and file it/pay fee, and it should all be done with in a month or so.

[carhill]

OP, if you haven't yet been to your county courthouse's family law division, make it a point to stop in and see how it goes.

 

If you don't want things 'held for ransom' and want to 'get it done', be proactive. Follow the rules of your jurisdiction, file and have her served. Drive the process.

 

Divorce, Separation, and Child Custody

 

How are parties notified?

If the parties are not co-petitioners, the respondent must be “served” with a copy of the petition. This means that respondent is given a copy of the petition that was filed with the court and a summons. The respondent can agree to sign an “acceptance of service” that says he or she has received the petition. Otherwise, the sheriff or another adult who meets the legal requirements must give respondent copies of the papers. If petitioner or the sheriff or process server cannot find respondent, petitioner may ask the court to allow respondent to be served by publishing a notice in a newspaper or posting at the courthouse or another means of alternate service.How much time does respondent get to file papers?

Oregon law gives a respondent 30 days after service of the petition to file a response with the court. If respondent does not file a response, petitioner may be granted everything he or she asked for in the petition. If respondent files a response, the court may set the case for trial, mediation, or a settlement conference, depending on the court’s procedures.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The hardest part is taking the first affirmative step. Give the folks at the courthouse a try. Again, this presumes you don't want the process to be 'held for ransom'. Good luck.

[maybealone]

I'd be wary of giving her any money. Her asking you for money to sign and you thinking about giving her half now and half when she signs both sound like blackmail to me.

 

Like carhill said, I think your first step should be to go to your county courthouse's family law division. Then if necessary you could call around for different attorneys and see if you can find one that can offer you advice. $500-750 sounds like a lot of money to me. I just recently paid $90 for a half hour of an attorney who only does divorces to answer all my questions. I didn't have to commit to having her firm do anything beyond that.

 

If you really want to give her something, I wouldn't tie it directly to the papers. Maybe say something like you budgeted $X for the divorce, and after everything is paid for you will give her what is left. (Just thinking out loud here, I could be off base, but I think the main thing is to avoid any appearance of blackmail.)

[carhill]

As a point of comparison, our 'no-contest' divorce cost 360.00 in court filing fees, 35.00 in process server fees and......that's it. I did spend a couple grand in legal fees related to my business and trust, but they weren't essential to the divorce process. We split the cost of the filing and service fees and a local law school did our 'mediation' and prepared the MSA...... for free. The self-help desk at the courthouse facilitated. Clean. My exW insisted, initially, on doing things 'her way', in spite of my explaining to her how the process worked, so things dragged on as the court rejected her petitioner paperwork. Finally, we engaged the law school at the suggestion of the self-help desk and got it done right. No subsequent issues at all.

 

 

Anytime you have to 'wait' for someone to do something, as illustrated in the OP, that 'something' can be stalled, held for ransom, etc. This is where being an assertive and educated petitioner can pay dividends. I should have been the petitioner, as I had the knowledge and legal help, but we agreed for my exW to be it. As respondent, I was always left 'waiting' and, once she filed and we agreed to let the clock run and go no-contest, I was waiting on her to 'do the right thing'. As petitioner, if one wants it done, s/he can get it done. If the clock runs and the respondent drags their feet, file for default judgment and have the judge rubber-stamp the filing (that's what they'll do in the majority of cases if the filing looks 'fair') and move on.

 

Going through the process caused me to lose my prior fear of divorce. I still believe it's the last resort in a M, saved for the most unhealthy of circumstance, but, if necessary, bing boom bang, a couple calls and I can get it lined up in a couple days. Get 'er done. Good luck.

[TylerOSU]

Hmm I can't delete or edit my message...im kinda paranoid spouse might find this and get wrong messages...can someone delete this thread please?

[carhill]

Yep, posts are permanent, as this is a public forum. You might try using the 'contact us' link and pleading your case with an administrator. Good luck