How do I ask him whether I have competition?

[bolase]

I've been dating this guy for around 6 weeks, we've been on 5 dates in that time with 1 sleepover at his when it got too late to drive (no sex).

 

Backstory - we met a few years ago, always had a flirty thing happening, but we just moved to the same city at the beginning of this year.

 

Even though the chemistry/attraction is super strong, I have been treating it with a bit of distance as I'm not 100% sure about him yet, and I remember him (years ago) talking about girls as though he just wanted to show them a good time and have nothing serious. We have only made out so far and he has been a gentleman. he has a lot of charm, compliments me often and knows how to treat women.

 

Last time we met up for dinner, he asked me how I would feel about seeing each other more often. I was really happy and told him.

 

Now.. I know he has a lot of female friends, he's sociable and funny; that kind of dude. A girl just posted something on his Facebook page about how great he is, with a smiley, and it jolted me into the reality that he might be seeing other girls.. though I'm happy easing into a casual relationship, I don't want that to be in competition! I was planning to stay at his house this weekend and feel a need to clarify things before who knows what might happen.

 

Thanks.

Edited February 29, 2012 by bolase

[eleanorhurting]

don't sleep with him!!!!

[bolase]

haha I agree! but how do I figure out my question?

 

There is no obligation on him because we haven't talked about it.. so just go ahead and ask? "hey you're lots of fun to hang out with..I guess I'm curious, are you seeing anyone else?" Comes across a bit jealous for my liking, I've never even considered the possibility of a guy I was dating seeing someone else though.

He did take me for dinner on valentines day

[eleanorhurting]

well, I usually ask "I know this is a weird question but... do you have a girlfirend?"

 

most of the time they say no. And maybe since the topic is out in the open you can sort of ask the whole "are you seeing anyone else" thing right there and then.

 

But if i were anyone else, i would not take my advice since it clearly has led me nowhere. Except "dont sleep with him". I know you can never go wrong with "dont sleep with him"

[crossfitter]

I'm gonna play, what appears to be, devil's advocate here and say don't ask him that. If he asked you about seeing you more often, then he's clearly interested in pursuing something more with you, and you need to trust that he's interested enough in you to disregard the other potentials in his life. One may say, "Well what if he's only saying that so I'll sleep with him?" or something, but if that is the case, then he's a dick, and you're only delaying the inevitable. Some guys just get along with girls really well; doesn't mean they're trying to hook up with them all, despite rumors to the opposite.

[bolase]

I would like to get to know him better and potentially become something more serious, but Im happy with moving at a gentle pace due to personal factors on my side.

 

Previous to asking if I would like to hang out more often, he did describe what we are doing as "playing" :/

 

I don't see it as setting myself up for a big fail, fail by hoping that he is not seeing anyone else and IS deserving of my trust as cross fitter says; thats being the person I want to be and have been in my relationships. I see your point though.

[spookie]

Just don't sleep or invest emotionally before you know you're exclusive.

[johan]

Just don't sleep or invest emotionally before you know you're exclusive.

 

I agree. You should stay wide awake, and also keep your emotional distance until you have some kind of commitment.

[crossfitter]

Just don't sleep or invest emotionally before you know you're exclusive.

 

But that's not necessarily the best option, either. Personally, I'm not going to want to be exclusive with a girl until I'm emotionally invested, and I'm not going to get emotionally invested until we've reached that level of comfort/physicality. Not saying I'm speaking for all men, here, by any stretch; just that that method won't work for everyone.

[johan]

I think you're going to need a lot of coffee. But spookie knows her stuff, so I'd trust her.

[RedRobin]

Lots of men will give you the try before you buy speech. Most of them (not all) so that they can get as much no-strings-attached sex as possible.

 

It's not a huge commitment to agree to being exclusive before sex. If they can't do that, then they aren't that into you.

 

The ones who say don't ask and just sleep with the guy on the off-chance they want a relationship? Well, that seems like a convenient way to shove off any responsibility for the pace of a relationship with the least amount of discomfort possible on the guy's part. That way, you, the trusting lady, is the one who gets to feel stupid after the fact. Not the guy for not knowing what he wants or being dishonest.

 

Meh... sounds like a bad deal to me.

Edited March 1, 2012 by RedRobin

[bolase]

thanks all, the advice 'don't sleep with him right yet' feels right to me anyhow. My question is how to find out whether he's seeing anyone else, though. I might just say "a weird question for you. do I have competition?' or is that not right for the girl to say? it's straight up, though!

 

Agh... now that it's in my head, I'm thinking back to dinner at his favorite restaurant, and the staff looked at us when we walked in with an expression that could have been "not again..you are his 101st date":laugh:

[RedRobin]

or, you could just hold out. Keep going on dates until he asks you to be exclusive or asks if you are seeing someone else.

 

When he asks why you aren't sleeping over...that would be your intro to say... "I'm not comfortable being intimate until I'm in an exclusive relationship with someone."

 

Or, you could revisit the conversation where he said he wanted to see you more often. You could say "I was hoping that when you said wanted to see me more often that you were asking if I wanted to see just you and you were wanting to see just me. Is that what you were asking?"

 

That way, it isn't even about him. It's about your own standards and getting clarity. Not jealousy.

[Million.to.1]

But that's not necessarily the best option, either. Personally, I'm not going to want to be exclusive with a girl until I'm emotionally invested, and I'm not going to get emotionally invested until we've reached that level of comfort/physicality. Not saying I'm speaking for all men, here, by any stretch; just that that method won't work for everyone.

 

This is a good point.

 

 

 

You could say "I was hoping that when you said wanted to see me more often that you were asking if I wanted to see just you and you were wanting to see just me. Is that what you were asking?"

 

This is good advice.

 

It would be stupid to ask him if he has a girlfriend, as clearly he does not. he may have been or recently dated other girls though. I think you should trust that at this moment, he is only seeing you, and don't worry about things like facebook. And don't sleep with him until you are sure that you have the level of commitment from him you are satisfied with to proceed further. He may offer this without you having to ask him anything.

[Ruby Slippers]

Great line. Guys who are 'keepers' would only have respect for this position from a woman. Especially a woman they have feelings for.

 

At one level we want to get into your pants. At a deeper level we want that 'special girl' to politely refuse until we've proven ourselves worthy.

Yep.

 

In your situation, I would simply not have sex with him at this point. If he wondered what's holding me back, I'd be honest and say that I wouldn't have sex unless we were exclusive. That's all you need to say.

 

Don't ask him if you have competition. You always have competition. And so does he.

 

If he really likes you, he'll establish exclusivity. If he doesn't, he won't. And then you'll have your answer.

[bolase]

This is good advice but I have slept over at his once, when it was very late for driving home. He was a complete gentleman, made it clear he wasn't going down that path, and didn't stray it. Was sweet in the morning, etc.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think he's definitely going to take you for a ride from everything I've heard from a man's point of view. His whole setup reeks of trying to charm as many women as possible...which obviously most women fall for.

 

He's working on you slowly, taking his time...probably doing someone on the side or hanging out with other women...he's got you thinking about other women by being on his facebook and knowing you'll take notice. Ideal situation, and you want to be "special" and someone above that, you're falling right into it.

 

He knows what he's doing...It's clear to me, and I would say you're going towards falling for his charm and sleep with him but If he really wanted a serious relationship or saw a potential he would have pursued that not just kept you in the dark, not someone of his experience with women.

 

What do you think he's waiting for? the right moment? That's silly.

 

There's no reason he would be waiting, or wouldn't be eager to move forward If he was looking for something on that level imo. His demeanor doesn't justify that, plus he's probably taking you to the same places and doing a lot of the same things he does with a lot of other women.

 

The only question I have is what Is taking him so long to close the deal...but I anticipate he's just letting you marinate for a while and letting you come to him...I think he likes the fact that he doesn't have to put much effort and you'll eventually come out and show interest in him...which gives him another ego boost for having another one around his finger.

 

This guy seems very fake to me, like he has a persona...an act, than who he really is...I don't think he's genuine.

 

You really need to turn up the communication and start asking questions before you get blind-sided. You're just sitting around thinking he's the greatest thing ever...how do you think he treated those other women he ran away with for a good time in the past? like crap? Don't be a fool or naive.

Edited March 1, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[bolase]

I think that's a really really negative view to have of someone you have never met...waiting for? He's not 'waiting' or 'not waiting' for anything...we have fun dates or hang out doing nothing..its not all about sex. I should add that we have close mutual friends and is of sufficient emotional/social intelligence that he would not screw me over knowing our situation, even if he wished to (and I hope he doesn't).

 

Can you elaborate on this please?

"If he really wanted a serious relationship or saw a potential he would have pursued that not just kept you in the dark, not someone of his experience with women."

 

Isn't it fair for each of us to take our time in seeing whether we want a serious relationship?

[RedRobin]

This is good advice but I have slept over at his once, when it was very late for driving home. He was a complete gentleman, made it clear he wasn't going down that path, and didn't stray it. Was sweet in the morning, etc.

 

I wouldn't continue to put yourself in situations where your judgement is impaired until you get more information.

 

Unfortunately, I kind of agree with ninjapajamas. The guy is either really slick or he genuinely wants to get to know you... doesn't appear you've spent enough time getting to know him to know which it is.

Edited March 1, 2012 by RedRobin

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think that's a really really negative view to have of someone you have never met...waiting for? He's not 'waiting' or 'not waiting' for anything...we have fun dates or hang out doing nothing..its not all about sex. I should add that we have close mutual friends and is of sufficient emotional/social intelligence that he would not screw me over knowing our situation, even if he wished to (and I hope he doesn't).

 

Can you elaborate on this please?

"If he really wanted a serious relationship or saw a potential he would have pursued that not just kept you in the dark, not someone of his experience with women."

 

Isn't it fair for each of us to take our time in seeing whether we want a serious relationship?

 

I'm a man Bolase, I look at his setup and key things that you're saying..while you're in the clouds thinking of how sweet, charming and how well he treats you. Because I don't care about that, I don't need to know him...I know a lot of guys just like him.

 

I'll break it down for you...huge flaws here;

 

Red flag #1

 

Surrounded by women - hmm now what kind of man surrounds himself by women? hmm...a man who is looking to settle down with one special girl, or fool around with a lot of girls that he makes feel special with charm, humor and general niceties that all women take too far without even getting to knwo the man?

 

Red flag #2

 

You may not trust your own gut feelings, but I do, because women are almost always right...If not all the time, about men in the end.

 

I have been treating it with a bit of distance as I'm not 100% sure about him yet, and I remember him (years ago) talking about girls as though he just wanted to show them a good time and have nothing serious.

 

Hmm so your gut is telling you something is not quite right, enough to tell you that you should be wary and distance yourself from trusting this guy 100 percent. But instead you want to overlook that and focus on how great he's treating you...skills that he learned from swooning women just like you over the years. He couldn't possibly be spinning the same game on you though right? you're special....I'm sure you could take a number with the rest of them on FB.

 

Hmmm I wonder why I have such a negative opinion of this man! Not to mention he's now surrounded by women.

 

Red flag #3

 

Previous to asking if I would like to hang out more often, he did describe what we are doing as "playing" :/

 

Gee...wonder If that means! Sounds serious to me! doesn't it to you?

I'm thinking back to dinner at his favorite restaurant, and the staff looked at us when we walked in with an expression that could have been "not again..you are his 101st date":laugh:

 

Omg It's so funny to look like the thousand girl off of facebook he has brought into his faaaavorite restaurant...how hilarious and not disrespectful at all.

 

It couldn't be the restaurant that he uses to try and charm women in, no of course not...and this cannot be a sign at all, if anything it means you're special!!! riiiiight?

 

Red flag #4

 

I was planning to stay at his house this weekend and feel a need to clarify things before who knows what might happen.

 

Gee...I really really wonder what that means...I wonder If ::gasp:: you guys might have sex! All before you even talked about a relationship or what not! how inconvenient for this poor nice, romantic and wonderful guy!

 

He just sealed the deal right there, he almost has you!

 

Red flag #5

 

YOU HAVEN'T ASKED HIM ANYTHING, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IF HE'S SEEING ANYONE OR HAS A GF AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO SLEEP WITH THE GUY!

 

I mean ffs, what is more perfect than that for a guy? you're just flying off of hope, and because you're too damn timid and naive to ask, guess what! surprise...I wasn't looking for anything serious or yeaaaah let's see if this will "lead into a relationship" so I can hook up with you for a while and I can show you "mr good time"

...................

 

This guy is going to dance right out of that trap and come up with some excuse to make it look like you just weren't another girl he was trying to charm. He's being subtle, incognito with his flirtations and come ons...I mean really...this is childs play to me what this guy is doing.

 

Go ahead, ignore your gut feelings, see what happens.

 

And last but not least...

 

"If he really wanted a serious relationship or saw a potential he would have pursued that not just kept you in the dark, not someone of his experience with women."

 

What is a guy going to do when he really wants to be with you?

 

Maybe something like...."Hey, i just want you to know that I'm really interested in you and I'm not sure If you're seeing anyone else but you know, I'd like to see if there is a potential for a relationship...are you interested in that?"

 

Maybe, just maybe he would make it clear...why wouldn't mr casanova do that? tell me the answer to that? Is he afraid? Is he too stupid to realize that you're not into him? maybe for mr dork he might have a hard time getting to the point, but this guy isn't beating around the bush, he's taking his time pulling down your walls and even though your gut sense that, you're letting him get away with it even though he's done or said nothing that would indicate that he desires a relationship with you after 6 dates and 5 weeks or whatever is it.

 

Now that doesn't sound suspicious at all!

Edited March 1, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[Andy_K]

Ask him if he's got any pets. Like, say, a rabbit. Then ask him if he's seeing anyone else.

 

See if the lights switch on

[bolase]

I appreciate your perspective (hell I came here for this kind of direct advice) but I find it really harsh and as though the whole situation is hopeless.

 

I am not going to sleep with him until I know that neither of us are seeing anyone else.

 

I might be leaving the city soon and we are still getting to know each other, I don't expect him to ask me to be exclusive yet - there is so much still to learn. I'm not sure I want to be his girlfriend and him my boyfriend yet. I do want to give it a chance. A casually paced but committed relationship where have have our own space (I am very busy, busier than he is) would be ideal for me - NOT a serious settling down relationship. I definitely emphasize exclusivity and trust as important parts of a relationship and require them before having sex.

 

He is not 'surrounded by women'. He simply has a lot of female friends. He also has close male friends who he hangs out with more often.

 

I always felt what he said about those girls was a sign of insecurity and a front at the time. He has been through a lot since - may not have changed, yup - but he certainly seems very honest, more open and secure in himself than he was 3 years ago.

 

I was making a joke re the dinner date, about MY thoughts /mistrust getting out of control. OK. I'm fairly sure the staff didn't look at us any differently to anyone else. You went way overboard there.

 

"I just want you to know that I'm interested in you.." yes, I hope that does come up, but otherwise Im going to have to find a way to ask, that's what this thread is about.

 

In previous relationships, two guys asked if I would be with them only, and one I asked if we were exclusive and of course he said 'of course'. In the latter he wasn't any less into me, I just came out with it one day and that was that talk done.

[RedRobin]

you'll have to forgive us for posting based on the information you give us.

 

There is always the better safe than sorry advice... Most of us have seen way too many examples of people getting played in one way or another.

 

You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. I'm sure you'll do just fine.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I agree with RedRobin, I also think you have a good head on your shoulders.

 

I think you know where the cautions are posted, I just hope you don't let your emotions get ahead of your reason with this guy - even though I think you think he's a good enough guy to sleep with regardless. However I think you're smart enough to see through other things other women may not.

 

Female friends? you know as well as we do there's always potential for something there to happen eventually. Especially If he's the amazing guy you say he is, I know that women don't exactly not chase guys they think are amazing, I don't know what you think about that.

 

Your biggest fault was not finding out what he's about, what he's interested in and what he wants out of life right now. He might have told you he was just looking for a good time, but now that he knows what's at stake he may smudge the truth. And I don't think you sound like a bad catch either, I don't think he wouldn't be interested in someone like you and not enjoy himself, It doesn't sound like just about sex but It doesn't mean it's all about romance either.

 

All you're asking for is this guy to be exclusive, but he hasn't himself made a push for that...which always shows a lot of a man whether he initiates or not. I think he may just be in it for a good time, maybe he respects you to a degree which is why he didn't do what he normally does with other women? I don't know enough about the guys personality to determine that.

 

Just be sure you can trust this guy, try to look at him as the real person. Tell him straight up, have a conversation looking at him in his eyes, but not in the bedroom...tell him to respect you and be honest with you and that you're not looking to be a fling or just a good time.

 

Really stick it to him and put him under the gun so that you get a real honest answer out of him, if he respects you he will oblige and If he's really a good guy maybe he'll tell you exactly how he feels about you.

 

Make sure you're not just getting the same treatment that other women get, I hope you demand more for yourself...this is a guy you're going to have to keep tabs on, I just hope you're ready for that.

 

And expect surprises from him...you just don't get all those female "friends" for being a jovial guy, they have to be interested in you and he's probably dabbled around with at least a handful of them, and he probably keeps em close so they don't mind...If he's not being this way with these women? then what is he doing? and why would he want to be exclusive when the iron is hot and he doesn't need to be...you've gotta find out.

Edited March 1, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[Ruby Slippers]

Ninjainpajamas, you should write a book about men for women. Or at least start up a YouTube channel giving pointers.