"My girlfriends son treats her like an abusive husband"

[g450]

Since you are going to continue seeing her - even if it kills you - and it ONLY happens when you are there...don't go over there!!!

 

See her away from her home! Take her out so there's NEVER a reason to be with her and her son together.

 

Better yet. Have her move in with YOU. And tell drop off her kid at the nearest Marine Corp recruiting station.

[2sunny]

There's no reason to consider being in her home at all - until she decides it's time for her "child" to move out and he on his own (that way he can take his angry self with him when he goes).

[g450]

OMG I am kind of going through this of sorts myself. But luckily her oldest Son (19) no longer lives with her. She now lives with me with her 13yr old.

 

He has been in and out of jail several times. He begs her for money and food and she always seems to give into him. I asked her NOT to enable him and let him fall flat on his ass. She always rescues him.

 

I have already made it clear that her oldest will NEVER move into my home. And neither will any illegitimate offsprings that he produces. That was one of my fears because the kid cant even take care of himself, much less a wife and a child. He is more immature that some children I know.

 

He is dissrespectful and acts like a punk (thug). He acts like he is proud that he has been in jail. He even wrecked her truck and still talks smack towards her. And like the OP the kid is hugh. I genuinly think she is afraid of her Son. And like others have stated there are similarities here. Like the OP, her family tends to thrive on DRAMA. Not a week goes by that some hugh DRAMA is created out of thin air by at least one relative. Her Son included.

 

Another similarity as others have stated. My Fiancee ALWAYS went back to her abusive husband. It took ME to finally break that pattern. She never knew what a good guy was until she met me.

 

I told her NOT to let him talk to her dissrespecfully and she says "that's just the way he is". BS! I told her he is that way because you let him be that way. Sadly I am starting to see the same pattern with her 13 year old as she does not know how to be a disciplinarian. She doesnt want to hurt her baby's feelings. Even when he starts raising his voice at her. If I had done that as a child, my parents would have knocked me through a wall.

 

Sadly, as others have stated, these kids learn this from their fathers. And every guy she has been with prior to me has been a total loser and has been abusive to her one way or another. Her youngest knows how to manuplate her because he saw how his father manipulated her. Like father like Son. I hope I can break that pattern.

 

We are getting married soon so I have already told her that I will not stand by and let her youngest go that route. I will dump his ass off at his loser deadbeat dad's place if he starts being like her oldest. It would be good for him to get a reality check.

 

I can in fact deal with her youngest but the issue comes up that when I do deal with him sometimes, she comes in to defend him. I get the "he is always going to be my baby" speech from her even when he is acting like an ass. So she makes me out to be the bad guy. This doesnt happen all the time but more than I am comfortable with.

 

Sorry for the highjack but this struck a chord with me.

[2sunny]

Of all the people in the world you could CHOOSE to love - and you guys choose these women with huge drama and emotional issues. Women that have been trained to be a doormat for their families.

 

I can guarantee you - YOU CAN'T MAKE THESE WOMEN eliminate their kids from their lives. Given choices - they will never choose you.

[g450]

The boy is in need of serious counseling help and anger management classes. Try to suggest seeing a good counselor but I'm not sure how well it would go with him. There are so many phone helplines that deal with difficult children and teens (he's still a teen basically). Ring them and ask for advice on how to proceed. This situation cannot be handled by yourselves. The boy has serious issues and needs a GOOD specialist.

 

Specialist?

 

I think he just needs a good ass wooping!!

[donson]

No problem G450 it looks like we have something in common, Everything you just said happen's to my girlfriend with her 19 year old, Plus he also has been in and out the jail always asking her money for his drugs she always gives in, I guess some people are lucky and you my friend are one of them i don't see him moving out why? he has all his comforts there everything he needs, Like last week he wanted a laptop went to mum and said you need to get me a laptop guess what 2 days later he's sitting with it, Few days later he starts all his crap as i said in my first post it really makes me feel sad and pissed off and really want to give him a ass wooping, Im still living with my parents at the moment and if i done any of that crap i would of been flung out the front door and told not to come back till you have some respect i tell you he to is very lucky that im not his father, One other thing she also has a 12year old boy i just hope he wont grow up and think he can treat his mum like that to, OMG what the **** have i got myself into so much hate in this world, Now im thinking i wish i didn't have any feeling for her then it would be easy for me to just walk away, Why do i put up with all this **** every weekend?

[2sunny]

No problem G450 it looks like we have something in common, Everything you just said happen's to my girlfriend with her 19 year old, Plus he also has been in and out the jail always asking her money for his drugs she always gives in, I guess some people are lucky and you my friend are one of them i don't see him moving out why? he has all his comforts there everything he needs, Like last week he wanted a laptop went to mum and said you need to get me a laptop guess what 2 days later he's sitting with it, Few days later he starts all his crap as i said in my first post it really makes me feel sad and pissed off and really want to give him a ass wooping, Im still living with my parents at the moment and if i done any of that crap i would of been flung out the front door and told not to come back till you have some respect i tell you he to is very lucky that im not his father, One other thing she also has a 12year old boy i just hope he wont grow up and think he can treat his mum like that to, OMG what the **** have i got myself into so much hate in this world, Now im thinking i wish i didn't have any feeling for her then it would be easy for me to just walk away, Why do i put up with all this **** every weekend?

 

She is helping him to stay using his drugs.

 

Since she doesn't give consequences - he's just going to get worse - it always gets worse when the parent(s) is/are rewarding bad behavior. The kid just keeps making more demands and she she will just keep rewarding him.

 

Get out now while you still have your sanity... It will only get worse - I guarantee you that! Believe me, I have a ton of experience in this area...it's not pretty when there's no consequences.

[donson]

I agree with what your saying sunny 100% i need to sit down with her and tell her how this is making me feel, But its difficult for me to walk away cause i really love her my brain tells me to walk away and my heart tells me to stick by her, It's a game of choice do i take the good with bad there is more good time's than there is bad times, But if it starts to turn the other way im walking, Im going to see her tonight and strong word's with her in the back of mind i feel like it's going to be a waste of time cause i know she want tell him there will consequences for his own actions and since that's the way they have been living there life for year's i don't hold any hope of change, I guess its simple put up with all the crap or leave if i do leave i want be leaving peacefully ill be kicking the *** out of that wee dik before i say my good byes.

[2sunny]

I agree with what your saying sunny 100% i need to sit down with her and tell her how this is making me feel, But its difficult for me to walk away cause i really love her my brain tells me to walk away and my heart tells me to stick by her, It's a game of choice do i take the good with bad there is more good time's than there is bad times, But if it starts to turn the other way im walking, Im going to see her tonight and strong word's with her in the back of mind i feel like it's going to be a waste of time cause i know she want tell him there will consequences for his own actions and since that's the way they have been living there life for year's i don't hold any hope of change, I guess its simple put up with all the crap or leave if i do leave i want be leaving peacefully ill be kicking the *** out of that wee dik before i say my good byes.

 

Your head and heart wouldn't be battling IF this was the right situation for you to be in.

 

The reason you're questioning it - is because you know it's wrong for you to continue.

 

But you will continue - because "you live her"... Love doesn't look like this.

 

You are in a fine mess and have a chance to get out - I suggest you take the opportunity while you have it.

[2sunny]

I agree with what your saying sunny 100% i need to sit down with her and tell her how this is making me feel, But its difficult for me to walk away cause i really love her my brain tells me to walk away and my heart tells me to stick by her, It's a game of choice do i take the good with bad there is more good time's than there is bad times, But if it starts to turn the other way im walking, Im going to see her tonight and strong word's with her in the back of mind i feel like it's going to be a waste of time cause i know she want tell him there will consequences for his own actions and since that's the way they have been living there life for year's i don't hold any hope of change, I guess its simple put up with all the crap or leave if i do leave i want be leaving peacefully ill be kicking the *** out of that wee dik before i say my good byes.

 

If I dated a man that hated my kid like that - I'd stop dating you.

 

You have no business in her life with such hatred toward her family.

 

You can BLAME HER! sHE did this - by allowing all this crappy behavior...yet you want to blame the son- she does it!

[g450]

I would have to agree and dissagree with 2sunny on this.

 

Yes, blame the mom. But in this case blame him also because he is a grown man, not a child. And grown men have to take responsibility for their actions.

 

And like you I really dont "hate" her kid. I just dont like him and have no respect for him as he has no respect for himself or anyone else for that matter.

 

2sunny is right on target though. I would not deal with this woman. You would be going into a toxic relationship that has no good ending. If my Fiancees eldest lived with her we would probably have broken up long ago.

 

I would date her on your terms and stay away from her Son as others have noted. If she continues to let him be abusive and live with her at age 21 I would move on to something better.

 

In my own case I have put up boundries for her with regard to her kids as I have stated earlier and she understands that they are non negotiable. She agreed to my terms. The 13 year old I can work with as he is still young. But her oldest problem child I simply do not want to deal with on any level and should not have to as he is a grown man and not my resposibility.

 

I am polite as I can be when he is around even though he is usually a total di**head. But I try not to be around him at all if I can help it. My #1 boundry is he is never going to live with us. No way no how. Anyone that ever took him in found personal items missing from their home and grew to really dispise him. And I am talking about his own family.

 

I love the woman and will make it work as long as she does not inject her oldest Sons drama into our marriage. It should all be good. Ironically she has a 17 year old that is polite, intelligent and caring. I am puzzled as to what she did wrong with her eldest that made him the polar opposit of his half brother. It boggles my mind. I could be the drugs or maybe somebody dropped him on his head when he was younger. No clue.

[donson]

Hate is a very strong word to use sunny, I don't think i ever said i hated him? He is old enough to know what he is doing and how it effects his mum mentally that's what i hate, I have done a lot for her boy, Getting up at crazy hours in the morning to pick him up from the police station more than once, I used to drive him everywhere if he needed a lift, Iv'e showed him respect i always make a point in asking him if he's ok, So what i know now is that the nice way has not helped any if anything it's made things worse cause now he thinks that im a wuss a soft touch another person to abuse who wont do anything about it, Im starting to think the only thing he understands is violence and i personally feel that he needs a good ass woopping, Iv'e told my girlfriend this and she feels the same actions speaks louder than words or so they say, Even being a father to a lovely wee baby girl hasn't matured him he will be 19 next month and still act's like a 13 year old, Thanks for all the advice it really has made a difference.

[g450]

I really feel for you Dodson. I would like to see what the outcome will be for you since I am in a similar situation.

 

With her Son I used to do stuff for him all the time as well. He never showed appreciation for it. He seemed to think he was entitled to this because I was with his Mom. He still owes me money that I will probably never see back. But my wallet is permanently closed to him now. Im done with being the nice guy and I made that very clear to him.

 

Luckily for me she undestands how toxic he is. Not just for her but for her entire family. This is why nobody wants to take him in anymore. Drugs really do change people. As mean as this may sound I told my Fancee the cold hard truth. She needed to get used to the idea that her oldest may wind up either in prison enventually or worse. She does understand this now but like all mothers she still cares for him. I imagine she still gives him money if not at least food and support. But she doesnt do this with my knowledge. I have a hunch she is though.

 

I wish you luck with whatever you decided to do.