donson Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Hello, We have been together for 3year's now and i would like to move in with her but i can't because the way her son treats her it make's me want to rip his head off,she always tell's me not to say anything just to keep the peace, He starts off by verbally abusive her calling her hurtfull name's and like's violently punching at her bedroom door and threaten her by knocking a kitchen knife at the door, She put's up with it because i think she fear's him, She will do everything she can to make sure he is happy just to keep the peace,He's almost 19 teen and its been getting worse,What can i do? I feel usless having to watch the person i love go through this plus i don't want to lose her that's why i havent said anything and i can't ask her to choose me or him, Do i just keep doing what i have been doing and saying nothing? When he avangally calms downs she will go talk to him to make sure he's ok and ask's why are you being like this all he says is he doest know why this has been going on before we got to together, Any advice would be appreciated Thanks.
FrustratedStandards Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 She just didn't raise her boy right. The way I see it, there is no discipline in the house. I think this could also reflect your relationship with her. If she can't maintain discipline and respect in her own home, I think that would affect her relationships too. 2
InJest Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 How old is her son? Next time he does it, grab him by the throat and look him in the eye like you're not letting go. Don't say anything, and don't acknowledge your girlfriend when she starts yelling at you to stop. Just clinch, and stare. After about 30-40 let go, and tell him, you're going to kill him then turn yourself in if he raises a hand to her again. Your girl is clearly not much of an authority, so she's not going to break up with you over it.
darkmoon Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 he might be messed up over where his dad went
2sunny Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 she allows it. you can't make this different for her. you can change it for you - by leaving! RUN!!!!!!! seriously RUN! 2
Author donson Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 How old is her son? Next time he does it, grab him by the throat and look him in the eye like you're not letting go. Don't say anything, and don't acknowledge your girlfriend when she starts yelling at you to stop. Just clinch, and stare. After about 30-40 let go, and tell him, you're going to kill him then turn yourself in if he raises a hand to her again. Your girl is clearly not much of an authority, so she's not going to break up with you over it. He is almost 19, He has never ever touched her, If he did i wouldn't be on the outside, It's mostly mental abuse she put's up with, When im at her house and he starts he always has a knife when its just her by herself he doest, I couldn't risk what your saying but hey i would love to do that and more but this is the woman that i want to spend the rest of my life with and i can't take that chance cause i know how close she is to her boy when everything is fine.
silvermercy Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 The boy is in need of serious counseling help and anger management classes. Try to suggest seeing a good counselor but I'm not sure how well it would go with him. There are so many phone helplines that deal with difficult children and teens (he's still a teen basically). Ring them and ask for advice on how to proceed. This situation cannot be handled by yourselves. The boy has serious issues and needs a GOOD specialist. 1
2sunny Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 He is almost 19, He has never ever touched her, If he did i wouldn't be on the outside, It's mostly mental abuse she put's up with, When im at her house and he starts he always has a knife when its just her by herself he doest, I couldn't risk what your saying but hey i would love to do that and more but this is the woman that i want to spend the rest of my life with and i can't take that chance cause i know how close she is to her boy when everything is fine. but it's not fine. her son sees you as his threat - and then takes it out on his mother. she hands HIM too much power... and she or you should call the police when he acts this way. consequences for his bad behavior would show him that his behavior is unacceptable... since she won't likely call = YOU SHOULD! she is rewarding his bad behavior! he probably learned such abusive behavior from his Dad... looks like Mom is used to putting up with such crap. as long as she puts up with his crap there is NO ROOM for you! but that IS his plan, ya know? call the police each and every time it happens! since you are so intent on staying with a woman who disregards and disrespects you so much - you are in for a lifetime of being her doormat. i'm sure you won't call the police - you might hurt her feelings... why is she allowed to hurt your feelings? why do YOU allow that crap? 1
Author donson Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 she allows it. you can't make this different for her. you can change it for you - by leaving! RUN!!!!!!! seriously RUN! When you truly love someone with all your heart you can't run away from it no matter how bad thing's get, I would sacrifice my own life to save her's if you wouldn't for the your girlfriend of wife then it's not true love she is my soul mate.
2sunny Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 When you truly love someone with all your heart you can't run away from it no matter how bad thing's get, I would sacrifice my own life to save her's if you wouldn't for the your girlfriend of wife then it's not true love she is my soul mate. with this state of mind - you won't change a thing. ACCEPT that she will allow for YOU to be treated like crap - in order for you to be with her. NOTHING about THAT has to do with loving behavior... it has to do with YOU not respecting your own life; your own SELF. you don't respect yourself enough to have a boundary that is healthy. YOU need some serious counseling to understand why you would attach yourself so solidly to someone who disregards you and disrespects you so much - while at the same time thinking that THAT is love! it's NOT love! and your mindset is not normal. you are willingly accepting an abusive environment and equating it to love. 1
FitChick Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 I would sacrifice my own life to save her You just might wind up doing that if he keeps pulling out a knife.
InJest Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Just tell your girl there's no way you're moving in while her son lives there. He's 19, he can live on his own. 1
gaius Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Have you ever tried charming the kid, or do you just treat him like a problem that needs to be got ridden of?
Author donson Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 but it's not fine. her son sees you as his threat - and then takes it out on his mother. she hands HIM too much power... and she or you should call the police when he acts this way. consequences for his bad behavior would show him that his behavior is unacceptable... since she won't likely call = YOU SHOULD! she is rewarding his bad behavior! he probably learned such abusive behavior from his Dad... looks like Mom is used to putting up with such crap. as long as she puts up with his crap there is NO ROOM for you! but that IS his plan, ya know? call the police each and every time it happens! since you are so intent on staying with a woman who disregards and disrespects you so much - you are in for a lifetime of being her doormat. i'm sure you won't call the police - you might hurt her feelings... why is she allowed to hurt your feelings? why do YOU allow that crap? Thanks sunny, That's mostly true she did put up with a lot of crap of his father for year's, She would kick him out then take him back over and over until she said enough is enough and kicked him out for good over 4 year's ago, He would beat her up after having a drink and im guessing he's seen this happen at a early age, So now he think's it's ok to treat his mum this way, It's been going on well before i got involved he never aim's his crap at me personally always his mum and she has kicked him out before he ended up staying with his dad but he didn't like it there and moved back in with his mum, I dunno if that's his plan to stop me from moving in and taking all his power as you said, I get on with him at the best of time's sometime's ill even play fifa 2012 with him, His's mum think's the world of me and feel's she is stuck in the middle and just want's to have peace in her own house, I can understand why she doesn't want me to say anything in case it make thing's worse, I hope she just end's up saying to him enough is enough and kicking him out too or forcing him to seek help with his anger either way we just want a peaceful loving life together.
thatone Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 no "we" don't want a peaceful loving life. "you" want that. "she" misses her black eyes from the former husband so gets them as best she can from the son.
Author donson Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Have you ever tried charming the kid, or do you just treat him like a problem that needs to be got ridden of? I don't treat him like a problem i show him respect think he would return it,And in my eye's he is not a kid, He can be a decent and nice person when he want's to be but if thing's don't go his way he turn's and become's out of control taking it out on the house mostly door's, Don't think charming him would help matter's.
Author donson Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Just tell your girl there's no way you're moving in while her son lives there. He's 19, he can live on his own. I have said that to her.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I hope she just end's up saying to him enough is enough and kicking him out too or forcing him to seek help with his anger either way we just want a peaceful loving life together. Shes never going to do that, because he is her son. She will never stand up to him when she wants peace, and maybe she doesnt have the mental energy to fight with him. So you can either live with this the way it is, or leave. Theres nothing you can do to change this. This is the way they live, they adapted to this for years, you cant do anything about it, because she doesnt want to.
Author donson Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 no "we" don't want a peaceful loving life. "you" want that. "she" misses her black eyes from the former husband so gets them as best she can from the son. I don't think so, We both want the same who want's to miss getting black eye's and beat up by there boyfriend she was never married, She know's what it feel's like to be truly loved and having someone there that really care's for her why would she miss getting black eye's.
thatone Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 because it's familiar, and she thrives on drama. you can't be oblivious to the fact that damaged women can't pry themselves away from their abusers. you think the one you found is magically different somehow? you're a man, be rational about it. 1
Author donson Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Shes never going to do that, because he is her son. She will never stand up to him when she wants peace, and maybe she doesnt have the mental energy to fight with him. So you can either live with this the way it is, or leave. Theres nothing you can do to change this. This is the way they live, they adapted to this for years, you cant do anything about it, because she doesnt want to. It hurt's me to say this but i think you are spot on, She come's home from work the last thing she want's to do is to deal with her angry son, It's just breaking my heart sitting watching her crying cause of him, If i leave her that to would break my heart i just want to protect my girlfriend and show her a happy way of life people can change. So WTF do i do? Should i just shoot my self now.
Author donson Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 because it's familiar, and she thrives on drama. you can't be oblivious to the fact that damaged women can't pry themselves away from their abusers. you think the one you found is magically different somehow? you're a man, be rational about it. The women that your talking about always take back there abusive boyfriends and live there life's like that maybe cause they do like the drama, But i know 100% that she didn't want a life like that and was to scared to stand up to him, You can only take so much until you do something about it and she did,Three month's after kicking him out for good she met me and we have been together for 3 year's now there's no way she miss any of the crap he did to her.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 It hurt's me to say this but i think you are spot on, She come's home from work the last thing she want's to do is to deal with her angry son, It's just breaking my heart sitting watching her crying cause of him, If i leave her that to would break my heart i just want to protect my girlfriend and show her a happy way of life people can change. So WTF do i do? Should i just shoot my self now. Well yeah, I mean, if she doesnt know how to fight, she might be afraid that he will come at her physically, then she wont know what to do. The cops will hate you if you keep calling them on him, and she will never prosecute because thats her baby. She has to show no fear. See you can threaten him all you want, but as long as she cowers when youre not there, it undoes everything you would try to do. You cant beat him up because he can press charges on you. You cant do anything ,she has to stand up to him. You can try to slowly ask him why hes so angry towards her, and maybe you can converse with him about it and see if hes angry about something else. He might be one of those guys who likes the rush that anger brings. if you can gain his respect, you might be able to get to the bottom of it, man to man. But you cant do it as a "dad", you have to sneak your way into doing it. Like a stranger at a bar.
2sunny Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Since you are going to continue seeing her - even if it kills you - and it ONLY happens when you are there...don't go over there!!! See her away from her home! Take her out so there's NEVER a reason to be with her and her son together. 1
g450 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Have you ever tried charming the kid, or do you just treat him like a problem that needs to be got ridden of? For real? From what the OP wrote, the kid IS a problem that needs to be gotten rid of. As others have stated. He is 19. He is not a child. If he wants to play with knives then he can use it to cut the umbilical chord that is still apparently attached to his mother. I personally would not move in with her unless the kid is gone. I would tell her its me or him. Most likely she will chose coddling her abusive man-child for the rest of her life rather than spend her golden years with a good man. But if that's the case then the OP dodged a bullet.
Recommended Posts