Author whattodo44 Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 I'm curious to know how he was able to spend three nights of his vacation with you and your wife. No, he didn't spend the nights. He snuck away from his wife and came over to our room for about an hour on each of 3 nights. Also, it wasn't his vacation. He lives in that city.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 I'm guessing by the third night, he was feeling comfortable and wanted to be with your wife again (and vice versa) and I think he (maybe at your wife's urging) made up that story about having family in your city. Nope, it's true. I know his name so I looked him up on intellius. His son lives in our city.
Steen719 Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 He's told her that he's had sex with over 100 women while he's been married. oh my God...take a few minutes and figure out how many people that means when looking at risk factors. An exercise we were told to do with teens (in AIDS counseling) is to have a couple get up and say how many people they had sex with and bring that number of people on the stage. Go to their ex-lovers and before long, the entire stage was filled and we ran out of people. You have the potential to get any disease from any one of those people. This is insane, just insane. Think about that; really take a minute and think about how absolutely crazy that is. 1
HHC Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Shocked and hurt? He offered his wife up on a silver platter. The subsequent behavior should have been EXPECTED. Regardless of the mutual agreement, how can you trust a woman who agrees to pick up a complete stranger in a bar in order to have 3-way sex on vacation? And then even violates the agreement by having intercourse with the stranger when it was just supposed to be oral sex. This girl wants to f*** alright. And she's going to make sure it eventually happens. I just don't like the passing of blame to him for her betraying him. It's her fault and it's her actions that lead to this.
2sunny Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 I just don't like the passing of blame to him for her betraying him. It's her fault and it's her actions that lead to this. It's also HIS fault that he stays with her. That is only on him since he stays. He has choices! His choice shows he's not leaving her. If he's not leaving - accept it and quit belly aching.
HHC Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 It's also HIS fault that he stays with her. That is only on him since he stays. He has choices! His choice shows he's not leaving her. If he's not leaving - accept it and quit belly aching. Absolutely. He needs to take ownership of his behaviour here and what he's doing, or not doing. But it was her choice to strike a relationship up with this man. It was her choice to hide things from her husband. whattodo: She's betrayed you. She's made you feel unworthy and hurt. She has lied to you and continues to do so. This isn't the first time that this has happened. You need to confront her and you need to have a clear plan on what you want from your marriage and what you need her to do to assist with this. Then it's up to her if she has it in her. You're worth more than this
2sunny Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Technically - yes, she was hiding things from him. Technically, he was finding what she THOUGHT she was hiding. So - he HAS known but stayed silent... Time to start telling what you know so that you have a chance of dealing with reality. The pretending not to know is the same as her lies. Get honest.
leftfordead2 Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 oh my God...take a few minutes and figure out how many people that means when looking at risk factors. An exercise we were told to do with teens (in AIDS counseling) is to have a couple get up and say how many people they had sex with and bring that number of people on the stage. Go to their ex-lovers and before long, the entire stage was filled and we ran out of people. You have the potential to get any disease from any one of those people. This is insane, just insane. Think about that; really take a minute and think about how absolutely crazy that is. :sick::sick::sick::sick::sick:
CC12 Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I think your original question has been answered. Most people feel that what she is doing is cheating. Even if some think it's not technically cheating, I think everyone agrees that it's still completely inappropriate and grounds for divorce or something drastic. The only person who doesn't feel that way is you. It's like a woman who is in an abusive relationship. He belittles her, isolates her, calls her names, pushes her around a little bit. She keeps telling herself, "I'll leave if he ever hits me." She might even secretly wish that he would finally just hit her so she has an actual, concrete reason to reinforce her and give her courage to leave. Obviously, this is illogical thinking. She shouldn't need to actually be hit in the face because she already has plenty of reasons to get out. But she stays, mostly because it's incredibly difficult to get out from under the thumb of a person like her abuser. This is exactly what you're doing. Leaving your wife would be incredibly difficult for you, because she's extremely manipulative and will smooth-talk you into staying and you don't think you can't handle that unless she does something unforgivable that she can't talk her way out of. To almost everyone else, she has already done the unforgivable by lying to you about the other guy, sneaking around with him, being in bed with him, etc. You just need to convince yourself of it instead of waiting for her to punch you in the face.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 He's only "shocked" because he wasn't included in the activities. No, I'm shocked because she deceived me.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 if she cheated on you right in front of your face, As far as I am concerned, it is only cheating if she does it without my consent. I realize others will disagree with me on this.
KathyM Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 You opened up a can of worms by inviting outsiders into your marital bed. You've given her the messsage loud and clear that your marriage is not exclusive, and sex with others is acceptable. To think you can then put restrictions on it about how she is supposed to feel about these other people, or when or where or with whom she is supposed to be with these other people, is like giving a child a bag of candy and expecting her to follow your rules about when, where and under what circumstances she can eat it. You handed this man over to her on a silver platter. I really can't sympathize with you that this got out of control, or that she wants to expand the sexual relationship with the guy. 1
make me believe Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 whattodo, Something is wrong with YOUR moral compass in addition to your wife's. Why were you ok with having a threesome with a guy who had to sneak away from his wife to do it? You willingly helped him cheat on his wife. Do you not have any remorse for that?? And did you know that he had been with over 100 women before you let him fk your wife? Your wife has you wrapped around her little finger. All she has to do is say "no, I didn't have an affair" and you believe her. Why would her co-worker come to you and just make up a story about having sex with her at work?? It doesn't make sense. You've let your wife lie to you for far too long. I'm sorry that you've wasted so much time on her. But you seem to have done it willingly. You ignored SO many signs, and now you're "shocked" that she deceived you? Really?? You've lived in denial for YEARS. I agree with Kathy that it's unrealistic to allow your wife to fk another man, but then expect her not to develop any emotional connection with him or be tempted to take it further and have alone time with him. I think you were naive when you agreed to the threesome, and maybe you only did it because deep down inside you know she's going to have sex with other men (and women apparently) regardless of what you think of it. So you figured it was better to let her do it in front of you than have her do it behind your back. But it's obvious that she's been having affairs behind your back for YEARS now. This woman has absolutely no respect for you, your marriage, or any other marriage. You need to divorce her. You even said in a previous post that you've often felt like she only married you for financial security. So not only is she using you for money, but she's also been cheating on you for years. It sounds like you don't have any respect for yourself to allow this to happen. You need to look inside yourself and think long & hard about why you have made excuses with her for all this time, and why you've chosen to stay with someone who you feel may not really love you and is cheating on you.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 OK, I get the point. We are both awful people and we deserve each other. I just need to find a way to get over the way I feel.
Bryanp Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Sorry but your marriage is shot. Your wife is a serial cheater who is not that attracted to you as her other men in her life. Since the OM claims to have over 100 partners you know that you and your wife are at great risk for STD's. In the past your were 5 minutes late and they started without you. You would have to be in giant denial to overlook this. You know it will be a matter of time before your wife hooks up with someone else done the line. Do you really wish to be second fiddle for the rest of your life? Time to see a lawyer and get out of this mess. Good luck.
HHC Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 You opened up a can of worms by inviting outsiders into your marital bed. You've given her the messsage loud and clear that your marriage is not exclusive, and sex with others is acceptable. To think you can then put restrictions on it about how she is supposed to feel about these other people, or when or where or with whom she is supposed to be with these other people, is like giving a child a bag of candy and expecting her to follow your rules about when, where and under what circumstances she can eat it. You handed this man over to her on a silver platter. I really can't sympathize with you that this got out of control, or that she wants to expand the sexual relationship with the guy. I am quite shocked by the responses in this thread. They had an agreement to what was going to happen. They did not agree that her sleeping with people without him there was acceptable. His wife is not following the rules. That's not his fault. I can't believe because A B and C were acceptable that it means D E and F are by default. They're not. She's an adult. She's not a 3 year old who's been given a box of chocolates and told to have one then left unattended and trusted to not eat more. 1
HHC Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 OK, I get the point. We are both awful people and we deserve each other. I just need to find a way to get over the way I feel. You really need to confront her. I don't believe in ultimatums but you need to tell her what you will and won't accept and go from there. Keeping it in, or hoping she won't go through with it, won't assist you or your marriage
Lauriebell82 Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 OK, I get the point. We are both awful people and we deserve each other. I just need to find a way to get over the way I feel. Don't allow them to judge you. Many on this thread may not agree with threesomes (including threesomes), and the decision to have one may very well have led to the circumstances. It already happened though and that can't be changed. What's happening in the present is concerning and it was your wife who pushed the boundaries of this "agreement" and it doesn't give her the right to have free reign in the marriage. As far as how to get over this, I think counseling would be a good idea. You can process your feelings in a safe place with someone who is not judging you. Don't bring your wife though, this is more about you then her. Oh, and file for divorce without telling her...Don't forget that part.
KathyM Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I am quite shocked by the responses in this thread. They had an agreement to what was going to happen. They did not agree that her sleeping with people without him there was acceptable. His wife is not following the rules. That's not his fault. I can't believe because A B and C were acceptable that it means D E and F are by default. They're not. She's an adult. She's not a 3 year old who's been given a box of chocolates and told to have one then left unattended and trusted to not eat more. You really think it works to invite outsiders into your marriage for sex, and then no harm will come from it? Everyone will just follow the rules, and no one will get hurt? Not very realistic to think that way. If you're going to treat your spouse like a sex object to be used by other men, don't be surprised when they act like one. Just sayin . . . 2
despicableME Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Your wife has been cheating on you ever since you opened-up your marital bed. While you haven't caught her in the act, she has been cheating on you in her head. Furthermore, she has displayed an intent to cheat on you- that is where the betrayal lies. Throughout your posts you stress the fact that you can't trust her anymore... what kind of marriage do you have without trust???
Author whattodo44 Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 what kind of marriage do you have without trust??? I think the answer is a bad marriage. But then I wonder if a bad marriage is better than no marriage at all. I really like having someone to talk to in the mornings. I'm 67 and my wife is 62. She told me in 2008 when I told her I was getting a divorce that we're too old to start over, and I agree. She also said that we didn't want to spend the rest of our lives alone, and I agree. She thinks she looks 10 to 15 years younger than she actually is, and she's probably right. She said I look 5 to 10 years older than I actually am, and I don't know whether she's right on that or not. She could probably get another man quickly. I might have difficulty unless I want to settle for an old hag. You really need to confront her. This is possibly true, however without trust I'm not sure how effective confrontation is. Would she change, or would she go underground? My fear is that she would tell me what she thought I wanted to hear, then I would have lost the ability to spy on her, so I would always wonder what she was up to. Perhaps I am completely wrong on this. I think the options are to either find a way to live with things the way the are or get a divorce.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 Don't allow them to judge you. Thanks Lauriebelle.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 In case anyone is interested, you can find the posts that I made in 2007 under the username gullible.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 This is getting more pathetic by the minute. I know. Old people should just sit on the front porch and rock. After all we don't have that much longer to live anyhow.
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