Author whattodo44 Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 I'm starting to think the OP is actually Nickster. No, I haven't posted under any other name lately. I tried searching for posts by Nickster and didn't find any. Apparently he has the same problem that I have?
Owl Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 And then what? I tried that in 2007 when she was secretly (or so she thought) meeting an ex-lover. She said I was being unfair, and that he was just a "friend". She promised that if I wouldn't divorce her that she'd cut off all contact with him. It's been over years, and every day I think about it and wonder if she kept that promise. If I confronted her I'd never know what was happening. At least this way I am able to spy on her email. No, I look at the call logs for her cell phone. She hasn't talked to him since we got together last time. OK...here's affair #3 that you've now mentioned. This isn't a fluke. It's a pattern. It's a clear indicator of who your wife is. The only question remaining at this point is...what are you going to do in light of all of this? Accept it? Ignore it? Divorce? You already have all the information you need...so...what's your plan from here?
Author whattodo44 Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 This isn't a fluke. It's a pattern. It's a clear indicator of who your wife is. The only question remaining at this point is...what are you going to do in light of all of this? Accept it? Ignore it? Divorce? You already have all the information you need...so...what's your plan from here? The pattern is that I have never had any proof. She denied that there was an affair in 2007 -- I had no proof of anything other than her meeting him at a bar for drinks on two occasions. I think that she had an affair with him while she was married to her prior husband, but I have no proof of that. Besides that doesn't affect me. She denied that she had an affair with the co-worker. I had no proof. She will deny that she ever intended seeing this guy alone. I want proof. If I have proof I will divorce her. I'm kinda old fashioned and believe that you shouldn't get divorced without proof. What I have so far would be proof for many people, but nor for me.
Lauriebell82 Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 The pattern is that I have never had any proof. She denied that there was an affair in 2007 -- I had no proof of anything other than her meeting him at a bar for drinks on two occasions. I think that she had an affair with him while she was married to her prior husband, but I have no proof of that. Besides that doesn't affect me. She denied that she had an affair with the co-worker. I had no proof. She will deny that she ever intended seeing this guy alone. I want proof. If I have proof I will divorce her. I'm kinda old fashioned and believe that you shouldn't get divorced without proof. What I have so far would be proof for many people, but nor for me. You have more proof then you think you do, you are just choosing not to see it and rationalizing it away. At the very LEAST your wife is not very trustworthy, she lies, manipulates, sneaks around. Do you actually have to catch her in bed with someone to classify her as a cheater? If you do, then I would say it is only a matter of time. And it's possible that even if you do find this "proof" you will find a way to rationalize into NOT being proof.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 Do you actually have to catch her in bed with someone to classify her as a cheater? Yes. As strange as it sounds I do. After reading this forum I think the term that I would use for what she does is gaslighting (never heard that term before this forum). That's not really true. I do classify her as a cheater. I just need the proof. Every time I have confronted her with something she says I'm mistaken, that she's being misunderstood, that I'm being totally unfair, etc. She insists she has done nothing wrong and that it's all in my head. I know the people on this forum don't understand why I feel this way. I posted back in 2008 under a different user name and got the same advice. Divorce her. I attempted on 3 different occasions, and she laid a guilt trip on me and I backed down.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 My dilema is that I don't think she will go through with her plans to F him without me present. However, I don't know any way of finding out without waiting until May. And then what? I just don't believe you can convict someone because they are making vague plans. If I said to someone "I'm going to rob a bank some time in May", could I be arrested? I don't think so. She is already cheating on you. Making the plans means she is cheating! But... that isn't really the issue here. She has cheated, she will cheat again... SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU!!! I'm sorry guy, but why waste what time you have left on a woman that doesn't love you? Do you think this is the best you can get? Do you think no woman will ever really love you? I'm sorry, but just pay whatever you need to get her out of your life. She is a leech and has been using you too long already. Probably did the same thing to her first husband.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Yes. As strange as it sounds I do. After reading this forum I think the term that I would use for what she does is gaslighting (never heard that term before this forum). That's not really true. I do classify her as a cheater. I just need the proof. Every time I have confronted her with something she says I'm mistaken, that she's being misunderstood, that I'm being totally unfair, etc. She insists she has done nothing wrong and that it's all in my head. I know the people on this forum don't understand why I feel this way. I posted back in 2008 under a different user name and got the same advice. Divorce her. I attempted on 3 different occasions, and she laid a guilt trip on me and I backed down. I've been through this. She makes you feel like your nuts, turns everything back on you? I've had that. You want to know something very satisfying? I removed a woman like that from my life. I didn't know if I was crazy or not... I knew I just couldn't live like that anymore. 2 years later she sends me an email. She doesn't overtly admit to the cheating... but she apologizes for it. Stop the manipulation. To her you are just an idiot. She doesn't respect you and doesn't love you. You can't heal until you get away from her!
Author whattodo44 Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 In 2006 my wife and I had sold a house that we bought because she had to live in a rural area, then she decided it was too far to drive. We had been looking for another house to buy, but hadn't found anything we could afford. I wanted a divorce and thought this would be a great time since we didn't have house tying us down. We moved into an apartment after our house was sold and I started asking for help in making my decision. I decided if we found a house within a month, it was meant for us to stay together, otherwise I would get a divorce. The very next week we found a house that my wife loved and I liked OK. I decided that it was meant for us to stay together. I talked to my wife and she assured me that she had severed all contact with her "friend". Consequently I decided to go ahead with the house purchase. We paid $235K for it and put down $75K. I never trusted her and continued to spy on her email and sure enough by mid 2007 she was contacting him again and meeting for drinks. In January of 2008 I told her I wanted a divorce, but by that time real estate prices had fallen and the house was only worth $175K. That's one of the reasons I decided to stay married and hoped that real estate values would go back up. Now it's worth $106K and we still owe $258K.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 Didn't ABBOTT & COSTELLO so this routine? That's funny.
Lauriebell82 Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Yes. As strange as it sounds I do. After reading this forum I think the term that I would use for what she does is gaslighting (never heard that term before this forum). That's not really true. I do classify her as a cheater. I just need the proof. Every time I have confronted her with something she says I'm mistaken, that she's being misunderstood, that I'm being totally unfair, etc. She insists she has done nothing wrong and that it's all in my head. I know the people on this forum don't understand why I feel this way. I posted back in 2008 under a different user name and got the same advice. Divorce her. I attempted on 3 different occasions, and she laid a guilt trip on me and I backed down. The bolded part is what jumps out at me. If you truly feel as though you don't have proof then I would think you WOULDN'T be classifying her as a cheater. Again, that may be your way of rationalizing staying in the marriage. That being said, I think I do understand your need for hardcore proof. She is so manipulative that you do not feel confident in your strength to actually ask her for a divorce if you do not have something in your hand stating that she is cheater. So, for arguments sake, lets say you do find this proof that you need and confront her. You don't think she will try to lie her way out of it? She will. She'll spin it so that it is all YOUR fault that you checked up on her and do not trust her. She will say everything she can to make you feel as though you are nuts, even though you have the proof sitting there. Sounds like she has had lots of practice lying and manipulating you so I'm sure she has it down to a science. Sooo..what makes you think that having this proof will make it any easier to confront her and ask for a divorce?
Author whattodo44 Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 Sooo..what makes you think that having this proof will make it any easier to confront her and ask for a divorce? It will give me confidence and I feel confident that I can do it without backing down. If I tell her I want a divorce without this hardcore proof I very well could wind up backing down again (as I have 3 times in the past).
Lauriebell82 Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 It will give me confidence and I feel confident that I can do it without backing down. If I tell her I want a divorce without this hardcore proof I very well could wind up backing down again (as I have 3 times in the past). I understand your need for confidence but she is a manipulative liar. Even if she DOES admit to the cheating, you don't think she will give you some sob story or start crying in order to get you to forgive her? Of course she will! Why do you think BS's forgive their partners for cheating? Not because they want to, but because they are manipulated. I really truly don't think having this hardcore proof is going to make THAT much of a difference. She will find a way to get you to stick around whether you have proof or not.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 I really truly don't think having this hardcore proof is going to make THAT much of a difference. She will find a way to get you to stick around whether you have proof or not. So, what do I do? If she is going to find a way to get me to stick around, I might as well give up now.
Owl Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 You've got far more than enough "proof" already, just based off the emails you intercepted. More isn't going to make a difference... ...but since you feel you want more, this seems very easy to setup. Just figure out when her current fling may have some free time...then let your wife know that you're going to be out of town (for wahtever reason). Let her setup to meet with this guy (which you see via her email conversations with him)...then show up and catch them in the act. She doesn't sound like someone to waste an opportunity. As long as you make it believable, seems like she'd jump at the chance.
Lauriebell82 Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 (edited) So, what do I do? If she is going to find a way to get me to stick around, I might as well give up now. Don't bother confronting her and file for divorce. I was in a similar situation with my ex boyfriend, he didn't physically cheat on me (to my knowledge anyway) but I did catch him in chatrooms telling girls he was single and I confronted him. He manipulated me into staying. Fast forward a few months, I caught him in an even BIGGER lie and decided to break up with him over the phone because I knew I wouldn't be strong enough to do it in person. He begged me to stay so I hung up on him before I was tempted to change my mind. Best thing I ever did in my entire life! While it sounds cold and mean to file for divorce and not even confront/inform her, your chances of ACTUALLY getting out of the marriage/situation will be greater then if you try to find the strength to tell her yourself and stick to your guns (which you won't be able to do). She can't manipulate and lie to a court document. Edited March 2, 2012 by Lauriebell82
Author whattodo44 Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 Just figure out when her current fling may have some free time...then let your wife know that you're going to be out of town (for wahtever reason). Let her setup to meet with this guy (which you see via her email conversations with him)...then show up and catch them in the act. It's not that easy. He lives 405 miles away (just looked it up, I thought it was about 300). He has family in town and visits periodically. His last email said that he would be visiting in May, which is a long time away. So if I want until May I may be able to catch them. Or perhaps there will be more email conversations that will reveal more.
Author whattodo44 Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 Don't bother confronting her and file for divorce. Now this sounds like good advice.
Lauriebell82 Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Now this sounds like good advice. We've all been saying it for 5 pages, but I'm glad you are finally getting it!!!
Owl Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 We've all been saying it for 5 pages, but I'm glad you are finally getting it!!! No doubt! We've all been saying you've already got more than enough info to make a decision...glad that you're finally tracking.
2sunny Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 You need to work on yourself Work on the reasons why you would allow a woman to treat you so poorly - and stay with her. She obviously spends a ton of time and energy figuring out how to get attention - and laid- by other men. When you notice it - she blames you. That's deflection. She IS guilty. Mainly because if she wasn't causing all the chaos and suspicion - you wouldn't suspect. But why stay? She's basically whoring herself out to men when she's married - and you are standing there without saying HELL NO!!!!! You will get a disease - and you will have no one to blame but yourself for not ending it sooner. I will tell you - a woman that needs THAT kind of attention for men - isn't any kind of lady. For you to think you have a marriage is a joke. She's making a mockery out of you and you are allowing it by staying. And who cares about the house? You determined staying because of a house? Im beginning to think his is surfer203. Your wife is USING you - so she can screw anything with a stick between his legs. Meanwhile you are too afraid to stand up for yourself and tell her to get the crap out!!! Grow some balls man - you're going to need them.
2sunny Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Pack her stuff and put it out front! Change the locks and tell her it's time she pick up her crap from the yard!
2sunny Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 She's not into YOU enough to resist other men. You're into HER too much to have a boundary that gets rid of her. She hands to much power to sex with other men and YOU hand too much power to allowing her to do that to you!
Lauriebell82 Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 She's not into YOU enough to resist other men. You're into HER too much to have a boundary that gets rid of her. She hands to much power to sex with other men and YOU hand too much power to allowing her to do that to you! I think he finally gets it!!!!
Recommended Posts