So I Slept With One of My Best Friends..

[Alex DeLarge]

Hey folks, so one of my best friends came to visit me before she went away to see her cousin down in another state. Let's call her Jill. Right now we live about 40 min away from each other. I hadn't seen her in about a month, but over the past summer we had kissed a few times and were openly flirting with each other in our group.

 

So the other night she went out with a mutual best friend of ours (Let's call her Jane) and asked Jane if I was seeing anyone out here.. Jane said "Yeah he's been seeing this girl and that girl blah blah.." And all of a sudden Jill became really jealous (or so Jane tells me). That night Jill called me up and we talked for a few hours, I had no idea Jane told her about the girl I was seeing.. But the girl just wanted FWB when I wanted something more so I gave the girl I was seeing the "Let's just be friends" line. Well anyways, Jill and I talked about some sexual stuff too..

 

3 days later, Jill comes to my town to see my band play a gig down at a popular bar in the neighborhood. We were with a bunch of our friends, I suggested we "go for a walk" (Yeah.. I know, typical high school pick up line but hey! I'm no PUA haha) we made out for a bit in someone's back yard and I started fingering her. She was really wet and we decided to head to my apartment.

 

We had sex all night til 5 AM. In the middle of sex she shouted out "I wanna be your girlfriend Alex!" This got me super excited cause I've had the biggest crush on this girl since the first day I met her. I told her back I want her to be my girlfriend.. We bang all night long and fall asleep.

 

Next day I walk her to her car to head home and give her a kiss goodbye, she tells me "I was drunk last night, I want to think over if I want to date you" I just said "Yeah, it's cool.. I figured" and gave her a kiss goodbye.

 

Jane tells me Jill told her everything and said I was crazy in bed with her.. All sorts of good stuff, I thought Jane was just sugarcoating so I said "Oh come on I know you wouldn't tell me if she said anything bad" but she told me it was the honest truth. Jill texted me a lot that day telling me she had a great time.

 

So 2 nights later, I wasn't too busy so I go to visit Jill one more time before she leaves for her trip. We had crazy sex again all night, and things seem pretty awesome. But something happened to me as I was having sex with her.. I think I'm falling in love with her and it's sorta scaring me. I've never felt that emotion before but having her in my arms as I came felt incredible.. Like magic or something. At that moment I thought "I really want this girl to be mine."

 

I said to her after "So what are you thinking right now? About us?" (probably a stupid idea.. Seems like a chick thing to say)..

 

She said "I'm not sure if I want to date you yet. But I really like you and think I'm getting attached. I'm gonna miss you when I go away."

 

I said back to her "Okay, I was just seeing if we were on the same page. I don't want things to get carried out of hand if we're not."

 

She said "Well what do you want?"

 

I said back "Well I want to date you, but I like to take things one step at a time."

 

We kissed and parted ways.. Now she's off to see her cousin for about 2 weeks or so.

 

 

 

Now I was talking to Jane about all this and thought "I think she's just using me for sex? Maybe she just got jealous I was with another girl and craved my attention? I don't know.." Jane thinks Jill wants to date me definitely, but I've become very cynical toward relationships over the years and have come to terms that it's all "wanting what you can't have". I know it would sound really clingy to ask a girl to be with you after two dates if you didn't know them, but Jill and I have been friends for 8 years now and I don't want to pressure her or make her feel obligated to date me.

 

So now I'm lost here.. On a few notions

 

1.) Should I wait around for Jill, or keep dating?

2.) I had a FWB thing going with this other girl (who was actually at the gig too who I ditched to go home with Jill).. Do I keep it going? The sex is good, but I don't want to ruin things with Jill, although the jealousy factor might make her more attracted to me.

3.) Am I being clingy if I actually want to date Jill? I've been called "clingy" or "attached" before when I really wasn't. I'm pretty emotionally mature about things and understand things end for a variety of reasons outside attraction.

4.) The girl I was seeing that was getting Jill jealous in the first place is trying to come back to me, should I keep that FWB situation going too?

 

I know I may sound like a "typical male pig" but whatever.. I've played Mr. Nice Guy for so long and have been walked all over. I have a feeling if I "do the right thing" and don't sleep with other women while Jill's gone.. She's gonna think I'm some clingy freak and lose interest.

[fishtaco]

Here's my take on it.

 

First of all, good job not being the typical nice guy, it doesn't work. And also good job not spilling the beans and keeping it cool. It's lame that these sort of mental disciplines are necessary, but that's how the world works, what can you do?

 

Since you want a serious relationship with her, you actually DON'T want to win her over by making her jealous, even though we all know, that works pathetically well. You want her to want to be with you because she wants to be with you, and not because you're banging other women and she wants to be the winner.

 

But at the same time, what I've learned in dating is that assumptions don't count. She could want to be your girlfriend one minute, then change her mind the next minute. So none of this counts. They point to the possibility; it's positive possibility -- but possibilities don't mean crap. You could choose to give her the benefit of the doubt, you've known her for quite a bit, only you can make the judgement if she is better than average (but note that your judgement is now clouded because you are becoming attached). However if you do give her the benefit of the doubt, be aware that you are take a risk.

 

Given that, I'd say keep the FWB, and in fact, go hit on some more women. Just assume things won't work out with Jill, and do your single guy thing. And Jill can't fault you for it, because she never committed. If she does end up faulting you for it, giant red flag.

 

But, Jill doesn't have to know about it. Tell Jane to not tell Jill about all your conquests starting now. Or better yet, don't tell Jane so she doesn't even know.

 

So maintain contact with Jill, have more sex with her if she wants to, and see what her response is. Be curious, but don't push. You can always dump everyone else for Jill if she decides she wants to commit. Or if Jill doesn't want to commit, then you're doing the right thing after all.

 

But that's my take, I don't know Jill, I don't know your situation. Good luck.

[ascendotum]

Given that, I'd say keep the FWB, and in fact, go hit on some more women. Just assume things won't work out with Jill, and do your single guy thing. And Jill can't fault you for it, because she never committed. If she does end up faulting you for it, giant red flag.

 

But, Jill doesn't have to know about it. Tell Jane to not tell Jill about all your conquests starting now. Or better yet, don't tell Jane so she doesn't even know.

 

So maintain contact with Jill, have more sex with her if she wants to, and see what her response is. Be curious, but don't push. You can always dump everyone else for Jill if she decides she wants to commit. Or if Jill doesn't want to commit, then you're doing the right thing after all.

 

This was pretty much my advice OP.

Just curious, you've know Jill for 8 years....whats stopped you 2 having sparks before? Has there never been a point were you two have been single at the same time. Jealousy does seem to be part motivator here, but surely there's been other girls or were they steady gfs and now she thinks you're a bit of a playa she's more impressed with you?

[Alex DeLarge]

This was pretty much my advice OP.

Just curious, you've know Jill for 8 years....whats stopped you 2 having sparks before? Has there never been a point were you two have been single at the same time. Jealousy does seem to be part motivator here, but surely there's been other girls or were they steady gfs and now she thinks you're a bit of a playa she's more impressed with you?

 

She friendzoned me a while ago had a boyfriend for about 4 years and I only saw her once in a blue moon, then started seeing a good friend of mine.. That turned sour and he lost interest.

 

I know for a fact Jill would flip her **** if she heard I ****ed another girl since she left. If I do, it'll probably just be a random bar girl or chick at a party. But I digress.

 

I was always socially awkward about dating until a year ago. I started to come out of my shell so to say and meet women. Never been in a long term relationship or any of that. Jill and I kissed for the first time about 6 months ago.. And a few times after that.

[fishtaco]

She friendzoned me a while ago had a boyfriend for about 4 years and I only saw her once in a blue moon, then started seeing a good friend of mine.. That turned sour and he lost interest.

 

I know for a fact Jill would flip her **** if she heard I ****ed another girl since she left. If I do, it'll probably just be a random bar girl or chick at a party. But I digress.

 

I was always socially awkward about dating until a year ago. I started to come out of my shell so to say and meet women. Never been in a long term relationship or any of that. Jill and I kissed for the first time about 6 months ago.. And a few times after that.

 

I see. Been there done that. I was that socially awkward nice guy once upon a time. Jill over-looked you because you were socially awkward; women like men that other women like -- that wasn't you. You are now out of the shell with your successes with women, which prompted Jill to re-assess you.

 

My guesstimate, could be totally wrong.

 

Jill developed a new found interest in you because you are now successful with other women, and she's wondering what she had missed out on. And being that you know what you're doing now, of course sex happened.

 

But then you were too open for a relationship... you were too easy. This set you back into back burner status, hence she did the backpedal. But then, you saved it by keeping it cool, so that threw in some ambiguity, so she's unsure at this point.

 

So far, I'd say this Jill chick is not relationship material. But it's just my guesstimate. Women that responds very well to games like this (even though you didn't intentionally play these games), are usually not good relationship partners.

 

If you play the "playa" character, like let her know you slept with someone else, she'll probably want to be your girlfriend again, temporarily.

 

Again, just my guesstimate. The "playa" character method is high risk given that you want a committed relationship, because if she turned out to be an above average woman, it may turn her off. Best to not let her know. Keep things ambiguous, and work from there.

 

But honestly, I don't have a good gut feeling about this Jill chick (for the purpose of a committed relationship). I could be totally wrong, and I hope I am, but best to keep your eyes wide open. If you have good relationships with men of her past, it's probably not a bad idea to ask some questions and do some investigation.

[InJest]

Don't tell Jill that you sleeping with anyone else, just tell her you have a date next time you have a chance in conversation. Just if she asks what you're doing this weekend or something say, "I have a date Friday, but the rest of the weekend is open."

[Alex DeLarge]

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