Tuzie13 Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Hi forum. I met an amazing guy on OKC last summer. (And we were 99% matched). He lived in my hometown which is bit of a drive from me.. I thought he was cute but didnt figure much would happen -- I figured I'd have someone to chitchat with or grab lunch with if I was ever visiting my parents or other friends in the hometown. I was just curious to see how it'd go speaking with a 99% match--wasn't going to pass up that opportunity. =o) Well. He's younger.. I dont mind younger guy, actually. He is brilliant for his age. We have the same morals, view on life, people. Can talk for hours & hours. et al... and, oh man. anything sexual is phenom. O_O Obviously, with all great things there are cons within. I really adore him but as the title says, he's handicapable. He had an auto accident when he was 17 and ended up in a coma. He pulled thru and has been in therapy. He relearned how to walk, but he can't walk long distances. Nor very fast. He really, really does not like using a wheeliechair. Which I can understand but it limits us when we go out. . . I definitely knew of these things, he told me upfront. It wasnt on his profile...but I can understand why he'd not want that on there. But he was very upfront back in the day (way before we met last year) and told me the deal... Just, the issue I have if I really do care for him. He's great. I'd love to be with him.....but I'm REALLY worried about the future. He's in a tech college part-time but I'm not sure how well he'd ever fair is having a job full-time.. I imagine my future as.... me being the bread-winner. and being the home-maker---cooking, cleaning, washing his laundry..etc I wont have a guy to whisk me away on vacations... and all those other perks "normal" couples would get. I've taken a couple months apart from him...to think about things. I'm just not sure, the thought of THAT future scares me. If he got on the ball and greatly improved his mobility issues, that would help loads. But he wont be able to help around the house.. And if we ever have babies? I'll feel pretty much like a single mom that ALSO has to take care of the man. What should I do? ...Stay in hopes of he'll get better someday? Suck it up and just try it all? Or end the romantic relationship & meet someone new?
veggirl Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 What kind of work does he do now? I don't see how mobility would impact an office job or something. Does he use a wheelchair at all? Even at home? As far as kids...plenty of people with limited mobility have children. Perhaps he won't be racing after them on foot, but there are plenty of ways he could help out and be a great dad. I think you're worrying about this too much.
pteromom Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Before just dumping him, I'd sit down and have a real conversation with him about it. Tell him that you care a lot about him and are contemplating a future with him, but are concerned about things like taking care of a home and children together. Ask him what his long-term prognosis is. Will he get stronger over time, or weaker? Ask if there anything he can do (and is willing to do) to work on mobility - physical therapy, etc. I'd give him a chance to offer you real answers, and a chance to work on himself before just dumping him. That is, IF you really care about him and are interested in going further with him. 4
Author Tuzie13 Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 He still has disability as his income... He has been in therapy and progress seems slow. He always says he is making progress. though, it's a bit difficult for me to see. I suppose since I'm fully functioning/mobile. He's also lost 30lbs which is a great thing. So i know he has much more room to improve, though to me, it feels as though it cant come fast enough. We've discussed our future and us eventually renting an apartment together. He's definitely gotten stronger through time so far. I just dont want him to take any other kind of hit somehow.. it will set him back way farther than someone of in good health, of course. I really would love for it to work out and for him to succeed. But I currently definitely do not have the resources to pool for both of us living off my current income. He is fine where he is---at his parents' house. And also good for him to be there in the meantime since his mother has cancer. But if he doesn't get up to speed, I fear I'd drag my feet on a bigger commitment and living together. . . I'd definitely like to chew on this stuff more..
Feelin Frisky Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 You "project" a lot and it's hard to tell from what you said what his longest term prognosis is. If you are certain he will remain at his level of disability and you are not into being his care-taker then you'll have to face the hard music and move on. But there are many unknowns here--not the least of which is what he thinks and feels about you.
CC12 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I just dont want him to take any other kind of hit somehow.. it will set him back way farther than someone of in good health, of course. It kind of sounds like you already know you want to break up with him and you're doing this "taking time off from each other for a couple of months" thing to soften the blow. Truthfully, there's nothing you can do to soften the blow of breaking up because breaking up always sucks and there's no way around it. So if you know that's what you want then just do it. If he got on the ball and greatly improved his mobility issues, that would help loads. Honest question: Is he somehow slacking off in his treatment, or are you being impatient?
PinkInTheLimo Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 The things you worry about make sense and you are a sensible person that you take all this into account. He seems like a very nice person so I would voice your concerns with him. Ask him how he sees the future, what his dreams are, what he expects from a relationship. It could be that he can have a job whereby he works from home. It could also be that a house can be adapted so that he can help with a number of household chores (I think that someone who can go on foot, can cook for example). Plus if he manages to have a job, you might hire someone to help you with the household. I know a woman who married a man in a wheelchair. From what you tell me her guy was in a worse state than your friend. In her case I found it extremely odd that she married this guy. Her previous BF left her after 10 years of relationship. It was the typical "He went out to buy cigarettes and never came back" situation. She had been nagging the previous BF for ages to marry her. Never happened. Then she gets together with the wheelchair guy but she was clearly ashamed about him. As a matter of fact, I often thought she got together with the guy because at least this one could not "run" away from her. I think this woman, who is financially very well off, actually wanted a guy who was in a weak situation so that she could be in control. This said, the guy could drive a car and they even managed to travel by plane. So I guess there are many solutions these days for people with a disability.
FitChick Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I think I understand where you're coming from. I once fell in love with a girl who had a parrot. She adored this thing but it was disgusting, smelled and didn't like me. It would squawk "Uh oh! Uh oh!" whenever I came over and it bit me once and I had to get 6 stiches. I thought to myself, "Oh well, she loves it but it won't be around forever so I'll just deal with it." Then I found out parrots live for something like 90 years and this beast was only 15 years old. So sadly I dumped her. Very similar scenario in a lot of ways. Let me guess -- you're British.
irin Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 you have to really think about this, because if you do proceed to having a future with him you dont want end up resenting him for missing out on things that you wanted and he definitely deserves someone who fully accepts him can deal with his circumstances, be very carefully if you deicide to move on from him, do it gently, its take a certain kind of person to deal with disabilities. it can be sad and bring guilt but you better off leaving now before you get him emotionally attached.
gaius Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 Before just dumping him, I'd sit down and have a real conversation with him about it. Tell him that you care a lot about him and are contemplating a future with him, but are concerned about things like taking care of a home and children together. Ask him what his long-term prognosis is. Will he get stronger over time, or weaker? Ask if there anything he can do (and is willing to do) to work on mobility - physical therapy, etc. That sounds like the most insulting thing ever to a person. Could I do that with an obese woman too? Sit her down and say how great she is, but I really need to know if she's going to lose weight and if so I need a timetable. Maybe a whole year's plan with monthly projections or I'm out! If you can't deal with his physical limitations Tuzie it's better just to dump him now before you become even more attached. There's always a chance to get back together in the future if things improve on his end. Right now you need a guy you respect and he needs a girl who accepts him for who he is.
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