mrjoshua Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 hi everyone - this is my first post after lurking. i am 37 and my wife is 34. we have been married for 12 years and our sex life has never been stellar. we have fought about that and her lack of communication about anything (including sex) pretty much out entire marriage. a few months ago she came to me and told me that she is no longer attracted to me (understandable as i had let myself go and ballooned to 350 pounds. i wasn't little to begin with but this had gotten ridiculous.) but she was still attracted to men in general (lean and muscular). she has also said several times that she doesn't know why she is married to me. two weeks ago she said that she was not going to change and she was ok never having sex and that when i initiated it just turned her off. she then said that if i needed to leave that i should just do what i had to do. we have been in counseling (both singly and together) since she made her first revelation and she still says that she loves me and wants to work on it. however, her actions are not lining up with that. we also have had sex a couple of times in the last few weeks that was really good and she said that she felt connected to me. needless to say that is very confusing. we are still hardly having sex at all and she is still not communicating with me about mostly anything. i have worked really hard at this and am constantly reading stuff and counseling and being mentored on how to be a better man - none of which she is doing. i'm sure i have left out some stuff but my main question is does anyone out there think marriage can recover when one partner is unattracted (maybe since the beginning) to the other and chooses not to participate in change? it'd be great to hear some stories to inspire me to keep trying but maybe it's time to throw in the towel (wife stays home with the kids 7-4-2 years old with the older two in school most of the day). thanks everyone for any feedback or stories.
january2011 Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 In my experience, when one partner makes 'announcements' it's not an overnight thing and is usually the tip of the iceberg. That partner has been thinking similar thoughts for quite a while. With this mindset, they will frame everything about the relationship in the same way. Anything that does not 'fit' is ignored. I think that you have to be prepared for the possibility that she's done and no matter what you do, you're not going to be able to stay together. In this scenario it's probably best to let her go. Having said that, you might be able to save the marriage but it will require both of you to be on the same page. You've both got to pick up the reins and take responsibility for 'fixing' things. You need to work out if she really wants to work on it or if she expects you to do all the heavy lifting. It may be that she has already gone beyond the point of no return. Again, you'll need to work this out for yourself. Best of luck to you.
Afishwithabike Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 You mentioned you're in counseling. That's very good. What are you doing for weight loss? 350 pounds is a lot of weight! Physical attraction isn't unconditional. A certain amount of weight gain in my husband isn't going to affect my attraction for him, but if he gained a massive amount and ballooned up to 350 pounds of weight, the sex would definitely stop. Keep working on your issues. She probably wants to see that you're serious about making lasting changes before she changes her mind. I don't know if you had a pattern of starting something then backsliding. Perhaps she's afraid you'll say you're going to change, but after a few weeks you'll go back to your old ways. Ultimately you can't make your wife do anything. None of us can make anyone else do anything. All you can work on is your side of the street - weight loss, healthy habits, counseling for yourself. If she doesn't come along in that journey, that's unfortunate, but ultimately it's her call.
Author mrjoshua Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 thanks for the responses. I am certainly working on myself and have been since September. I was 270 when we got married so I wasn't small to begin with! I do have a history of failing - and so does she...it's a trait we share and hate in ourselves. I have lost over 50 pounds now, am eating right, and work out regularly. it's been 5 months now and I know I will never go back. I still probably wouldn't want to have sex with me! right now I am really working hard on myself. I am making changes to be the man I want to be and I hope that makes a difference for her. If it doesn't, l'll be ready and with a clean conscience knowing I was the best me I could be. I know I can't change her and I don't really want to. I love who she is - the good and the bad. I'm not going to make her wrong for what she feels or doesn't feel. it might be heartbreaking and world shaking but she's not wrong or bad for her feelings. I was just really hoping that someone might have a similar story that worked out...just a bit of encouragement! besides - I think we all know that having a forum to help us process is the whole point, right?
PinkInTheLimo Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I will be harsh here. If your weight is 350 pounds you should thank the gods that your wife still wants to have sex with you. I guess she's on top because with that weight you would kill a woman with a normal body if you are on top. Love is not unconditional. Be attractive. You are not attractive if your weight is 350 pounds, and at 270 pounds you weren't either.
Author mrjoshua Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 I will be harsh here. If your weight is 350 pounds you should thank the gods that your wife still wants to have sex with you. I guess she's on top because with that weight you would kill a woman with a normal body if you are on top. Love is not unconditional. Be attractive. You are not attractive if your weight is 350 pounds, and at 270 pounds you weren't either. i wouldn't say that's harsh. it's something i've realized and am working hard to correct. i want her to have a healthy, attractive partner. she has lost almost 100 pounds and is hot! thanks for the feedback - always hard to hear but nothing new...
The Blue Knight Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 You mentioned you're in counseling. That's very good. What are you doing for weight loss? 350 pounds is a lot of weight! Physical attraction isn't unconditional. A certain amount of weight gain in my husband isn't going to affect my attraction for him, but if he gained a massive amount and ballooned up to 350 pounds of weight, the sex would definitely stop. Fish and Pink both made similar comments related to weight and Joshua here's my thinking. You're already on top of this and heading in the right direction. You're down 50 or so pounds. That's great! BUT this has to be more about you than your wife frankly. You should want to lose the weight because you have three young kids who don't need to witness their father having a massive heart attack. That's the primary reason my friend. Secondly, you need to lose the weight for YOU. In other words stay on the journey toward healthy life choices for your own good and not because it's what you think you're wife wants to see. Don't become detracted because of what your wife does or doesn't do. If this weight loss continues and other things change and you win her back wonderful. If not, you move on, but in order to move on and find love again you'll need to stay on top of your weight and continue to lose it. Like Pink and Fish, I don't get the weight thing. I don't compute why people let themselves go over time. If anything as we get older we need to put more work into weight management, working out, and making healthy choices. I'm a guy and generally we're far more "looks driven" than women are but I'd have a hard time desiring sex if my wife was 180 to 200 lbs let alone 350 lbs!!! Physical attraction is integral to a successful relationship probably just as much as emotional and intellectual compatibility. Do this for you! You never mentioned your height so I have no idea where you need to be, but I know that unless you're a physical specimen of Schwartznegger-like muscle and 6'5 270 lbs is too much. 1
PinkInTheLimo Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 TheBlueKnight is right: your first concern should be your health, esp. since you have kids. Your weight is desastrous for your health. It's about changing your habits. Don't starve yourself but eat more vegetables and fruit and less junk. You don't need to become a fitness freak but start going for a walk of 1/2 hour every day. That will already change things. And not only will it improve your body but also your mind. Don't go for a crash diet, but for a slow but lasting weight loss.
HHC Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 My husband hit 300 pounds and I told him I was not sexually attracted to him any more. That was just over 6 months ago now and we are better than we have ever been before. And yes, he has lost the weight and is sexy and buff, but more importantly he loves himself and has his self confidence back which is what made him unattractive in the first place - it was never the weight itself 1
CupcakeCrisis Posted March 8, 2012 Posted March 8, 2012 I think many of these responses are unnecessarily harsh. Josh, you already know that you're morbidly obese and that you would like to do something about it. You're already well on your way - 50 pounds is a lot of weight and you're humming along well. I am very proud of you. Everyone falls off of the wagon sometimes, but you just have to get right back to it. I know that you are probably depressed and many of the issues in your marriage are not likely to help you. Even if you still remain obese, it's important to keep eating right and exercising. Your cholesterol, blood sugar and blood pressure will all fall - and those three are the common issues that kill people. They appear more often with a higher body weight, but being heavier does not automatically make you unhealthy, especially if you continue your current routine of exercising and eating well. Keep it up. It is possible to recover from this - but it will take a long while. Your wife needs to be working with you and communicating with you. But it may wind up being on you to approach her on a relatively calm day and say, "Jane, I want to talk about what I can do to make you happier. I have 30 more pounds to go until I reach the size that I was when we married. I want to be healthy for you and the kids, but I do need you to communicate with me." If she's not willing to talk to you, that is the end of the road, my friend, I'm afraid...
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