Imajerk17 Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 (edited) Made contact with a girl online. We talked on the phone Sunday night. She didn't seem that interested, and it felt that I was working to keep the conversation going. She didn't really ask me questions back and I don't think shyness was the issue. She then said that she had to go. But I went ahead and suggested we make plans (for early next week--when she comes back in town) anyway. I have since decided that I don't want to meet up. She is hot, but I'm not going to go out with someone who isn't interested back. So I sent her the following email: Hi Jenn I'm going to have to cancel our date next week. From our phone conversation I don't feel we would make a good match. I'm looking for someone who is as curious about finding out more about me as I am about them, and I didn't get that impression talking to you--no questions on your end. Take care and best of luck to you in your search... Ima FWIW, I have never cancelled a date in my life. When I make plans I keep 'em. Edited February 29, 2012 by Imajerk17
kaylan Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 ??? I dont see the issue. She wasnt too interested, so you decided the date would be a waste of time. Dont see how that would make you a jerk.
Author Imajerk17 Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 ??? I dont see the issue. She wasnt too interested, so you decided the date would be a waste of time. Dont see how that would make you a jerk. Makes sense man. Thanks!
veggirl Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Not jerky at all. It was polite and to the point! I wouldn't want to waste my time going on a date with someone who didn't seem interested in learning about me etc, either! Good call
zengirl Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Made contact with a girl online. We talked on the phone Sunday night. She didn't seem that interested, and it felt that I was working to keep the conversation going. She didn't really ask me questions back and I don't think shyness was the issue. She then said that she had to go. But I went ahead and suggested we make plans (for early next week--when she comes back in town) anyway. I have since decided that I don't want to meet up. She is hot, but I'm not going to go out with someone who isn't interested back. So I sent her the following email: Hi Jenn I'm going to have to cancel our date next week. From our phone conversation I don't feel we would make a good match. I'm looking for someone who is as curious about finding out more about me as I am about them, and I didn't get that impression talking to you--no questions on your end. Take care and best of luck to you in your search... Ima FWIW, I have never cancelled a date in my life. When I make plans I keep 'em. Sounds fine to me. No use in going on a date with her and have it go badly. The email wasn't mean or jerk-like.
Feelin Frisky Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 You're OK. It's much more thoughtful and polite than the more common disappearing act without a word.
serial muse Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 That doesn't sound jerky at all. Totally reasonable and pleasant. You'll have to work a lot harder to live up to your name.
Star Gazer Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Direct and honest and didn't blame her so much as state your own needs and how they weren't met. Good job. If I were her I'd be a little confused why you bothered asking me out if you thought I wasn't interested. You could have said something like, "reflecting on our phone convo..." but it's really not a big deal.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 You did a great job ImAJerk. You were honest, thoughtful and polite. I wish more men handled dating this way when they were turning you down. Great job! Maybe next time she will put more effort into getting to know a guy instead of thinking it's all about her!
eleanorhurting Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 I am going to go against everyone and say i wish you would have given her a chance other than a phone call. Maybe she was nervous!
ShannonMI Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Made contact with a girl online. We talked on the phone Sunday night. She didn't seem that interested, and it felt that I was working to keep the conversation going. She didn't really ask me questions back and I don't think shyness was the issue. She then said that she had to go. But I went ahead and suggested we make plans (for early next week--when she comes back in town) anyway. I have since decided that I don't want to meet up. She is hot, but I'm not going to go out with someone who isn't interested back. So I sent her the following email: Hi Jenn I'm going to have to cancel our date next week. From our phone conversation I don't feel we would make a good match. I'm looking for someone who is as curious about finding out more about me as I am about them, and I didn't get that impression talking to you--no questions on your end. Take care and best of luck to you in your search... Ima FWIW, I have never cancelled a date in my life. When I make plans I keep 'em. Not a bad email at all. You were honest, but not mean or disrespectful in any way. No sense in wasting your time and hers when you feel there is no connection. She should appreciate this.
Andy_K Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 I am going to go against everyone and say i wish you would have given her a chance other than a phone call. Maybe she was nervous! she has the opportunity to reply to his email if she feels she's been misinterpreted. That's one of the reasons why the email is a good gesture. 1
eleanorhurting Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 she has the opportunity to reply to his email if she feels she's been misinterpreted. That's one of the reasons why the email is a good gesture. yeah i wish some of the guys I go on date with would tell me they dont want to see me anymore instead of just dissapearing. sometimes i want to ask if its something i did.
Author Imajerk17 Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 (edited) Thanks everyone for your responses. It was definitely a lack of connection/interest on her part. I have talked on the phone with shy/nervous women, and I am able to draw them out. When it comes to the first phone call, I'm not that fussy. Cripes it's a phone call with a stranger, it's inherently awkward. I don't expect her to be hanging on my every word or anything. I just expect to be talking with someone who is reasonably interested. Edited March 1, 2012 by Imajerk17
Eddie Edirol Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 You didnt even need to send the email, I would bet money that she would have cancelled on you, or not contacted you at all. Theres no need to bother when they are like that.
Author Imajerk17 Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 You didnt even need to send the email, I would bet money that she would have cancelled on you, or not contacted you at all. Theres no need to bother when they are like that. I'm old-school. I about NEVER cancel plans. But I agree that it is likely that "something would have come up" on her end. Still, I'm not going to just not get back to someone either. So I sent the email.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I think sending the email was the right thing to do.
Emilia Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I would have gone on that date or would have risked being cancelled on. Sometimes people have their dog die or something and they feel awkward telling a complete stranger. I'd be still curious to meet up and if it's c*** then just leave after a drink
Jane2011 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 (edited) I think your email was fine, but I would have simply written "it didn't seem like we were a good match" and left it at that. Stating that she didn't ask questions and that bothered you (you said it politely, albeit) seems a little accusatory, almost like you could be asking her to defend herself. That may not be the case at all (it probably isn't), but it leaves it where she could feel like you're fishing for her to defend herself for not asking questions, or that you harbor some resentment. Being polite and saying "good luck in your search" at the end doesn't mean you can't/don't still harbor a little resentment. As a matter of fact, people often leave a note like that in order to overemphasize how they're not resentful, but it often has the opposite effect, especially when they just told the person something he/she did wrong (from their perspective). If I were in your position and a guy failed to ask me questions on the phone (whereas I asked him questions), I would assume that since he's not interested in me anyway, he doesn't care why I'm not interested. Therefore, I wouldn't tell him. That being said, I don't think there's much wrong with the way you did it either. If you left it the vague way I suggested, people would probably say "well, even if she's not interested, she has a right to know basically (and honestly) why you're canceling the date." And that's true, too. It's six one way, half a dozen the other. I'm just saying my style would have been the former... Edited March 1, 2012 by Jane2011
ditzchic Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I think the e-mail was fine. If she really wasn't interested, it's no skin off her back. If she was interested and just having a really off day she has a chance to explain herself in a reply. It's a much better play then just disappearing. It may even be an eye opener to her. Perhaps it'll pull her head out of her arse and make her realize just how obviously disinterested she comes across to guys. It's not your job to give her that kick in the pants, but sometimes that's just what a girl needs. So that kind of makes you the anti-jerk. Change your screen name
serial muse Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Yeah, I'm sort of in the camp that thinks it's good that he told her she seemed uninterested in him. I think a lot of people don't realize when they come across that way, and it's a very useful thing to know. A good friend of mine is like that, and I think it really has worked against her in the past - she's so afraid of appearing interested and being vulnerable that she comes across as blase. It's an important social skill to develop. So whether that's what was going on, or whether she was genuinely uninterested, I think the OP did the right thing.
Jane2011 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I'm old-school. I about NEVER cancel plans. But I agree that it is likely that "something would have come up" on her end. Still, I'm not going to just not get back to someone either. So I sent the email. I do cancel plans sometimes (or just completely bail) with people I hardly even know (most likely, OLD situations). I'm somewhere between "heartless" and "very concerned for the emotional welfare of others" on the spectrum. I gauge situations based on how much I think the person should be or should not be bothered by it. And I go by my standards, not theirs. For instance, I don't think a guy should be heartbroken if I talked to him on the phone twice with what was clearly only semi-interest on my part and made vague plans to see a movie, but then dropped off a few days before and never got back to him. I'm okay with just bailing in the situation because 1) we only just talked on the phone, 2) he should know when a woman is only sort of interested, 3) the plans were vague, 4) he had several days of me dropping off from his radar to realize that I lost interest or wasn't that interested in the first place. (If all of that seems heartless, the big thing is...we don't even know each other yet. I shouldn't matter to you that much). If I was talking to a guy all the way up to the day before we had made definite plans for a date (set a place and time), I would feel a lot more guilty about just bailing on the date when the time came. I wouldn't do it. I'd either go through it even against my will or make a clear announcement of canceling by calling him or emailing him. This is just one example. But a lot of factors in various circumstances determine for me how sensitive and courtesy-extending I'll be about a situation.
Jane2011 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 (edited) Yeah, I'm sort of in the camp that thinks it's good that he told her she seemed uninterested in him. I think a lot of people don't realize when they come across that way, and it's a very useful thing to know. A good friend of mine is like that, and I think it really has worked against her in the past - she's so afraid of appearing interested and being vulnerable that she comes across as blase. It's an important social skill to develop. So whether that's what was going on, or whether she was genuinely uninterested, I think the OP did the right thing. Good point. All kinds of backwards things happen in courting conversations. I think I often do the opposite (and it can be equally harmful and/or frustrating to others.) That is, I often sound interested when I'm not. I ask questions of anybody I'm talking to, and I generally sound warm and caring (such a lie, ha...just kidding). But seriously, it's in my nature to be giving in conversation. I ask people questions and want to know who they are and what they do and what they like, etc. I feel downright *uncomfortable* if I'm the only one on the receiving end of questions. But as I said, this makes me appear romantically interested even when I'm not. In my mind, I feel like they should know polite interest vs. romantic interest, but I suppose it's unfair to expect men (or anyone, really) to make that subtle distinction. Edited March 1, 2012 by Jane2011
azsinglegal Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Um...I never got your email. How odd....(my name is Jenn too). I think cancelling is the correct thing to do. Not showing up, walking out and sending a text.
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