archangelsupreme Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 It began last September. He was a new colleague at work and sits just 1 desk away from me, our backs to each other. I'm gay and have not felt such emotions for another man for quite some time. I never thought it would hit this hard. The Crush: I literally think about him everyday and everynight. He's the sorta of guy I would love to be with, articulate, smart, good-looking and has this charm and aura about him. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I would have butterflies everytime I speak to him; acting all rigid with thoughts racing. He's changed the way I act, i.e. I'm curious as to who he's working with and feel depressed when he's chatting with other people. I used to come in the office latter and finish latter but that changed (he works early and finishes early) so I can get some one on one talking time with him. I would literally look at the window to see him leave into the distance when he finishes work.... Though ultimately, I feel too nervous and normally withdraw. We hardly speak to each other besides the odd hello, see you tomorrow or if he needs help. That's what happens when I have a crush, I develop this dual mentality. I want to get to know him but another side of me withdraws because I know nothing is going to eventuate out of it. it's all inner thoughts. While he did not have a ring around his finger, I knew that he was straight. He's from the UK and has been here since August, I would get so worked up in thinking about what he's doing in his spare time, how he commutes, what he does on the weekend, does he think of me (LOL, stupid childish things like that). Just one-way feelings. The Bombshell: While at a work function we had a momment where we were walking side by side (i didn't say anything) and he said how's things going...i then proceeded to ask him what's he doing on the weekend ( i honestly don't know what to ask) then he said nothing much, doing some shoping for home. He's renting at the momment. He then said he was looking for a pillow and I could faintly hear him / recall him saying he was buying it for his misses (i was obviously not really paying attention, my mind was churning.....or perhaps i couldn't come to the reality that he's with someone, a girl). Then we sat next to each other on the bus leading to the next event and just to clear it out once and for all i asked him whether he was here alone or is he with his partner. He then said he's here alone (yay ) then he said he just reunited with his ex and they just got back together before he left. He then said she's coming to Australia soon. My heart sank and from then on i don't know what to think anymore. I always knew he was straight but it doesn't make it any easier. I deliberately asked the question (about the partner) so that I can flush it out, face reality and not think about this nonsense anymore. It didn't work. The Foolishness: There would be times when I would literally wait at the train station (at one point he was on the same train line) hoping he may appear. It never happened. There would be times when I cannot face him that I deliberately lock myself in a meeting room and work. On one occasion he passed by but stopped and walked back looking at me from the outside (it lasted for at least 10 seconds). I was so nervous, pretending not to see him and continued to type away. If only he'd knew. There would be times when I would escape to the park or mountains, hoping that the fresh air might give me peace. Ultimately thoughts race backed to him seeing two butterflies dancing together. Christmas: At our Christmas Team Lunch, guessed who sat next to me (rather unexpectedly). I swear my heart was racing and i didn't want to concentrate on anything but him. There's a charm about him, his eyes and his wonderful smile, he lights up the room or at least he lights up my heart. I'm starting to make out his character. We talked about what he's been doing in Melbourne the past couple of months, what it's like for him back in the UK, whether his girlfriend (hope it's just a lie) was still with him for the holidays (she apparently only stayed for 1 week when she was over). He mentioned that he's been visiting some of the sporting matches over the past few months. Prompted by me saying I find it awkward going to something alone. He apparently, has been seeing these matches alone (can I go with you?). If only he could hear my heart; if only he feels the same way; if only we never met and this feeling does not exist. The Thursday before Christmas. I accidently dropped my security pass. I didn't know where I lost it and was searching for the best part of 15 mins just before lunch. I had an appointment and had to abandon my search hoping that when I return it would miraculously appear or I'll have to send an embarassing email to the department. When I returned, there was a note on my desk with the pass stuck behind it, it said "Merry Christmas - from Santa". I wonder who it was, did i misplace it? did somebody borrow it? It never occurred to me that Santa was in fact him (I want it to be him). He was a "life saver" I said. I wrote on the note "Thanks Santa" with a smiley face and returned it to him, if only he'd knew how much it meant to me. The Friday before Christmas. Last day at work before the Christmas break - we had a chat in the morning over breakfast, that was it. There was no Merry Christmas at the end; he left while I was still talking a colleague. He walked around that way but didn't stop to say goodbye - Merry Christmas I said in my heart - and saw him walk into the distance carrying his black backpack. If only you knew. Saturday - it's Christmas Eve; I forgot to turn on my out of office on Friday and decided to go back into the office. I was in the vicinity anyway and thought it may be a good chance to escape the heat. Are you going to be there? My mind hoped my heart yearned that he would miraculously be there when i walked through the door. He wasn't. I wondered whether he still had the note I wrote on the other day (i.e. the one that he wrote with the pass) and if it was in the bin; i would pick it up and keep it. The note was just above the keyboard with a key ring on it. That key ring was what he got when he pulled the bon bon during the team lunch (he was in need of a key ring apparently). I wanted to take back the note though it'll be too awkward if he'd found out...so did nothing more than to look at it. Spending Christmas Eve alone has always been painful - this year i escaped to one of the city gardens. I wanted to think about and forget all the painful memories over the pass few months. I wanted a release - whether it's tears or thoughts. If only he'd knew. It's Sunday - Christmas. I wish you a Merry Christmas. I wish you enjoy seeing your friends and have a great time with your friends. I hope the rain didn't ruin your party - I hope i could forget you one day - If only you'd knew. The Last Day at work for the Year: A friend who I expressed my feelings to suggested I should ask him out for coffee. On NYE I did, though indirectly. I asked a neighbouring colleague who naturally asked him to join. We had a nice chat and I got to know his date of birth (December 13) and age. He was older than I thought he was. At the end of the day, it was just us to in the area who hasn't left work. He was the first to go, I asked him whether "you're going to leave me here all alone". He was hesitant as though he knew how I felt (he probably did) and said it won't be too long, only until next Tuesday. My heart sank. This NYE was one of the most painful days of my life. My heart was bleeding in the morning, thinking about what may, should have been. I would cry listening to sad songs asking "Why Don't You Love Me". That night, I promised myself that I would never cry this hard every again for him. 2012: January, flew by so quickly. I volunteered for a queer festival and had shifts in his suburb. I would deliberately try to shift myself more there so that I could be in the area. Hoping he would bump into me. As some of the shifts were after work, I would wait for him at the tram stop hoping we could catch the tram together. We actually did on one occasion. Unexpectedly (perhaps a sign that when you force things it'll never happen). "Hello Stranger" I said when I saw him at the tram stop. We talked for quite some time as we headed off. I asked him whether he was staying in Australia for longer (i.e. more than 1 yr) he kinda brushed around the topic. I asked him if he misses his family/friends/girlfriend. He also brushed around his girlfriend and just said that he really misses his friends. I knew that it was only time.... Beginning of the End: It's been 2 months into the year. I'm still keeping my distance, too afraid to venture any deeper. I would often play cold turkey and listen to music on my headphones, trying to escape and not be distracted by his presence. In the team meeting today, my manager told us that he wasn't renewing his contract (he wasn't there as there was a conflict with a meeting) having taken up a contract back at the UK in his old company. My heart sank yet tried to stay composed on the outside. When I was back at my desk, I didn't know what to do. I really wanted to get out. While i knew this day was coming, it was earlier than I thought. I couldn't face him today - there was nothing I could say. I escaped to a neighbouring cafe. The past few months flashed before my eyes - nothing else occupied my mind. The foolishness of waiting at the train staton. The foolishness of hiding in the meeting room and headphones. The foolishness of not living your own life. The foolishness of loving someone who has never, will never and can never love you. 4 more weeks to go. I'm empty, I don't know what to do anymore. This is an exit, yet I don't want to let go. I'll never forget you....
esteem-jam Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 So he will go back to UK and it will be over. Have you confessed your feelings? Maybe you could do it shortly before he leaves... so nothing is at stakes. Or tell him all via email when hes back in UK.
Ariadne Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Hey, I absolutely loved your writing! You perfectly described the feelings in those kind of moments. Well, at least life at the office is not lacking excitement, and at least you get to see him! You can still be in touch after he leaves, is not like he goes to the end of the world. You can friend him in fb and see his pictures if he has a profile, email him, etc. Don't despair. I'll be ok in the end.
Ariadne Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Have you confessed your feelings? Maybe you could do it shortly before he leaves... Yeah.....at least you can see what he says. If anything he'll be flattered.
Author archangelsupreme Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 Thankyou for your posts of encouragement. I'm weighing up whether or not to tell him. On one hand, he obviously doesn't feel the same way (it's been months now and there has been from my perspective a few hints). I should leave this be and move on with my life...it was heartbreaking yet felt "alive"....should cherish these memories. On the other hand, I need a release. I've never ever confessed my feelings to a straight man, and perhaps this is an outlet and closure. Time fill fade most things, should I let it be?
Ariadne Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 Hey, Do what your heart tells you. In my case, I always confess my feelings but I never got good results as far as the feelings being returned. The men were always glad to hear though, and very understanding. Good luck whatever you decide! You still have time.
brokenheart88 Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 time does fade things.. yes but also remember you will always think what could have happened? at least thats how i see it...it never really hurts to admit it especially since he's going back... you have felt this way for sooo long, what are you going to really lose? yes there might be a chance you could get hurt, but its also an opportunity for you to really move on and know that you tried. i wish you the best of luck in this. and i must say you wrote your story beautifully. i really hope it works out for you.
Author archangelsupreme Posted December 5, 2012 Author Posted December 5, 2012 I thought I revisit this thread and time in my life. It's now about 9 months since I last saw him. It was March 23rd, the day still as clear as red flame. I ended up not telling him how I felt. Deep down, I'm still torn - perhaps I was too afraid to face the harsh reality. The End: Just before he left, a close colleague of mine (and the only one who knows my secret) took a photo of us....well it was actually a photo of me, him and another colleague. She ultimately cut off the photo so that it was just me and him (he was in the middle of us three of course) and sent that throught to me. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect I would ever have a photo of us two together....she did it for me (knowing how much it'll mean to me). Perhaps I'm still living in this fantasy land. I can't still let go. She sent the photos to me while I was at the airport. What ultimately happened was that I was sent to Japan on a work trip, the exact same day he was heading off to go back to the UK. Somehow, this seems like destiny....that the past few months of madness would end with us departing on a plane overseas. And if you were wondering....no...we didn't meet at the airport (he was leaving like 6 hrs before me). When he left the door that day for the last time, I watched him as he walked hastily out (apparently needing to go home to pack as he was leaving the very next afternoon). He never looked back...my heart was crushed, I felt numb. The weather reflected my mood, it was overcast, grey, damp, lifeless. Though as I was walking home, in the distance I saw a full colored rainbow. It brought a smile to my face, it was time to move on, time to start the healing process. I Will Never Forget You We've lost contact with him. I haven't added him to LinkedIn (he said he would add me), and when my friend tried to email him...no response. It's like he's vanished and wanted nothing to do with our company. His LinkedIn page has not been updated with his new employment details. No one really knows where or what he's doing. I still cannot forget those times, those memories and feelings which hurt the most. There's been momments of laughter where I would cherish that I even had these feelings at all.....but all too often, it's more about my lonely state and how i'm destined to be alone. I've never felt such exhilirating pain in my life. The pain I guess will live on.....it has faded gradually with time though there have been days when I just can't forget, I don't want to forget. I'll never forget you.
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