LeapDay Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 This is a how-we-met story like no other. What first appeared to be the discovery of a half-sister transformed into an all-too-familiar relationship of a different sort, with an uncertain future. I’m in very deep and no longer trust my judgment. Here’s my story: A few weeks after I was born in 1972, I was adopted by German immigrants living in Ohio. I grew up the oldest of three children in a rather strict, culturally-conservative household. As a kid, I was rather unpopular and bullied in the schoolyard (because I was “different” from most others), and I learned to hide little details about myself (including my feelings) because I didn’t want to displease others, particularly my parents and other adults. To a certain extent, I felt the need to repress my emotions and not “be myself.” I didn’t date much in high school, and during my senior year I had one serious girlfriend who I thought I’d marry some day, but then she broke my heart. (She was a little younger and not quite ready for a boyfriend yet, and just wanted to remain close friends, which we have over the years.) I left home for college eager to have a “fresh start.” Within a few weeks, I met a quiet, intelligent, and similarly reserved person named Jill. Although we fooled around a bit during college, even spending many nights together, we didn’t fully consummate the relationship until we were married a few weeks after graduation. We waited a few years to have kids. Our daughter is now 13, our son just turned 11. I’m happy to report that they are far better adjusted than their parents were as adolescents. Both kids have a lot of friends, get good grades, and stay out of trouble. Unfortunately, the same can’t entirely be said for me because, as our marriage progressed, I found myself with a “wandering eye”, although I never fully acted on my impulses in the flesh. Naturally, I was not able to talk about this with Jill, in part because I didn’t want to let her down, but also because I was embarrassed about looking at others (including internet porn). I hate to admit it, but in recent years I also visited a few strip clubs. The only personal struggle I did divulge to Jill was when a few years ago, I restored an intense connection (essentially an emotional affair) with my high school sweetheart--a connection which ended amicably and with the mutual commitment to "down-grade" back to "just friends" status. Nevertheless, this revelation left Jill more shaken than I realized at the time. About a decade ago, my biological mother (Linda) located me. Getting to know my biological family has been a wonderful, life-changing experience. I learned I have a half-brother and a half-sister, and many aunts, uncles, and cousins. They live over 500 miles away and--when we first met--they were quite different from me. They are outgoing and speak their mind (tell it like it is). They all have embraced me and my family into their lives. Although I had steadily come “out of my introverted shell” as an adult, getting to know them accelerated the process. I embraced my newfound heritage. After a couple years, I felt the urge to attempt to identify my biological father. Linda had told me it was one of two men. When the likelier of the two men refused to acknowledge the possibility, I turned to Male #2, who readily accepted the possibility of paternity. I contacted him through his only child, Emily, for she had heard a long time ago about the prospect that she had a half-brother somewhere in the world. Long story short, Emily and I had several long phone conversations those first few days, when it appeared we were half-siblings. We clicked instantly and discovered we had a lot in common! Our first conversation lasted over an hour, and the next day we talked for another three. Within a matter of days, she knew pretty much everything about me--warts and all. I could open up to her about everything. After a couple weeks, DNA results indicated her dad was not my biological father. I felt tremendous remorse at that moment, thinking I had disrupted her family’s life. We vowed to remain “adopted siblings” and to meet in the near future. In just a few days, we had become best of friends who knew each other’s life histories, and our intimacy was generally accepted because of the unique circumstances that brought us together. Like me, Emily had married quite young, and she had two children. Also like me, she had grown apart from her husband over the years, and she resisted the temptation to have a full-blown affair. A key difference between us, however, was that Emily had already planned to divorce her controlling husband before I came into her life. We ended up meeting a few months later, in March 2011. Initially I visited her family (they live over 600 miles away, in Missouri), then a couple months later she came to visit mine. We soon developed a deep love for one another. Since that fact was discovered last fall (after her family visited mine), Emily moved out and began divorce proceedings, and I moved out of my house. However, despite being separated for almost half a year now, I’ve found myself reluctant to proceed with divorce. Why? I think because I still have feelings for my wife and the life we had, and because I’ve come to realize that Emily isn’t perfect (who is?!). Although I had never planned to divorce Jill, she and I had steadily grown apart over the years. I see divorce as failure, none of my close family or friends have been divorced, and despite everything that’s happened, Jill remains willing to stay married to me--as long as I recommit fully to her. Frankly, I’ve never met a more patient, trusting, and forgiving woman than my wife! She has done more than her share of the child-rearing and housekeeping, and she’s put up with my frequent times away from home (I’ve worked two jobs throughout much of our marriage, and I enjoy going out to network / socialize a couple days a week). At the same time, my wife has concluded that she is boring (in her words), and while I still love her, I realize I’m not really fully “in love” with her. Part of it, I wonder, is whether deep down I’ve been disappointed that my marriage wasn’t as fulfilling as I had hoped it would be. While we seldom fought, we swept a lot of conflict “under the carpet”--classic avoidance on both of our parts. Nevertheless, I do care deeply for Jill, and not just because she’s the wonderful mother of my children. She deserves far better than what I have given her over the years. And so, I’m at a major crossroads in my life. Several people who know both of us (though mainly me) have concluded that my wife and I are “mismatched.” Some say it’s time to divorce, especially those few who know about the feelings my “adopted half-sister” and I have for each other. Since the affair was discovered, my wife and I went to a half dozen joint counseling sessions and have read various self-help books. While these resources have been helpful and have taught us a lot about ourselves and each other, they’ve also made me realize how different we are. We just don’t have many common interests, other than giving our kids the best start in life as we can. But what will happen after they leave the home? Will our habits and mannerisms drive us each crazy? I worry that I won’t be able to get Emily out of my mind... that hearing certain songs will trigger thoughts about how she’s moving on with her life. (She takes medication to treat anxiety.) I’ve never been so close to anyone in my life. (My high school sweetheart knows me second-best.) At the same time, I can't visualize going forward with the divorce process, dividing joint possessions, etc. On the other hand, if I decide to pursue a life with Emily, it will involve a long-distance relationship for a while, although obviously that’s something we’ve overcome since we met. Although she has said she’s willing to move to my town in a year or two and visit her teenage kids for a long weekend once a month (plus keep in touch via Skype, etc.), I’ve had a hard time accepting that she’d be willing to do that for me. Emily’s response is that her kids know that she loves them, and she wants nothing more than to be with me. She says she loves me unconditionally. At the same time, because her divorce is almost finalized, she has put quite a bit of pressure on me to move on with mine, and she’s “going crazy” with my foot-dragging. I’ve talked with her about my apprehension and my feelings of guilt. She says I just need to take that next leap of faith and move on with my life. That’s her free-spirited, grab-the-bull-by-the-horns nature which I admire, and which stresses me out! In summary, I love both women, but for different reasons. Each seems to have strengths that complement the other’s weaknesses. I admire Jill’s “salt of the earth” characteristics, but I’m drawn to Emily’s confidence and can-do spirit. There’s at times “negative energy” between Jill and me, while Emily motivates me and puts a beat in my step. I understand that affairs can be like addictions, but my “adopted half-sister” and I have known each other well for more than a year, we got to know each other when things were platonic, and our relationship has persevered despite the physical distance between us. (We have gotten together several times since we separated from our spouses, and we click as well in person as we do over a great distance.) I just can’t get over feeling nervous about a woman who is willing to move 600 miles without her 14 and 16 year old kids, yet I can’t bring myself to say goodbye to her, either (I have tried on a couple occasions). Ultimately, I’ve become wary about trusting my own judgment because, after all, it is what got me into a situation that I never seriously thought I’d get into given my upbringing and what I thought were my morals. While my indecision is taking a toll on my health (stress, sleeplessness, lack of focus, etc.), I also feel equally burdened by what I have done and the effect it has on both women and, of course, their children. I need to choose and get on with my life, but I fear making the wrong choice. What originally began as a search for my biological father has become a much deeper search for identity within myself. I would welcome any perspectives readers of this thread have to offer. Thank you for reading my long story.
Philosoraptor Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 This is one fascinating mess. Everything looks good when you are in an unhappy relationship. It's why the "grass looks greener" and why other people have been getting your interest. I'd agree with Alice, tell them both what is going on so neither will want you. It's the only thing that will force you to take the steps to work on yourself, which is very much needed at this point.
Steen719 Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 I just can’t get over feeling nervous about a woman who is willing to move 600 miles without her 14 and 16 year old kids, yet I can’t bring myself to say goodbye to her, either (I have tried on a couple occasions). That should tell you something right there! As a mother, I cannot ever imagine that this would be alright in any situation. Is this the kind of person you want to live with and love? This speaks volumes to me about the kind of person she is. Just my opinion, you understand, but I feel it strongly.
Author LeapDay Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 Thank you for your comments, even the hard-hitting ones. I'd like to respond to a few things. First, I don't think anything I wrote would be new information for either woman. Both know that I'm "on the fence" (as "Alice2012" put it). Also, I've had at least half a dozen individual counseling sessions which helped me understand more about myself and how I got to this place. I own my past, and have no problem talking about it. To "sadintexas" and "Steen", I appreciate your reinforcement of the primary concern I've had from the beginning--how Emily's kids (whom I've met on two occasions, and who both like me) would process their mom's extended absences, and how my kids would react to this situation. For this reason, I've not insisted on the kids sleeping at my place, because it's not "their fault" and I feel they shouldn't be uprooted from the comforts of home. Of course, that means I don't see them as often as I like, although I still usually see them every day. (I am welcome to visit the house at any time, although I could imagine that changing a bit if I continue down the path of divorce.) I agree that I would benefit from a break from both women. In fact, I attempted to take a two-week break a couple weeks ago, but that only lasted for about 36 hours before Emily called (she was distraught over not being in contact with me). Frankly, I've frequently wondered whether she is TOO dependent on me, in part because she's leaned on me as she's gone through her divorce proceedings. (Emily's a pretty emotional / expressive person, as am I. My wife is much more reserved and keeps things to herself.) I'm inclined to insist on another "break" with the insistence that any contact "resets the clock." As people have noted, I need to do more personal healing, and it would be helpful for me to resume a new routine (including an exercise regimen) that would make me feel better about myself. In the meantime, I would be interested in hearing from anyone who has struggled with reconnecting with their longtime spouse after a 1+ year affair. I'd also like to hear from anyone who has decided to pursue a long-distance relationship that involved kids, and what their experience was.
2sunny Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I think you should be on your own for at least a year - to find yourself without input or emotions from any woman. Focus on your kids. Let your sister focus on her kids too. Getting away from the emotions for a long while may show you where your priority is. Above all else - your kids deserve you as their Dad to be present and participating - you can't do that when a new woman is on the scene- especially a needy one like your sister. And having her move away from her young kids is just ... Unforgivable. How could you even consider that as any option - shame on you. They need heir Mom! If and when You still love her in ten years - THEN and only then consider bringing her away from where she is grounded with her children. And stop thinking so much about you! You are affecting so many lives right now by being so selfish. Life is not all about you.
Author LeapDay Posted March 3, 2012 Author Posted March 3, 2012 Above all else - your kids deserve you as their Dad to be present and participating - you can't do that when a new woman is on the scene- especially a needy one like your sister. And having her move away from her young kids is just ... Unforgivable. How could you even consider that as any option - shame on you. They need heir Mom! If and when You still love her in ten years - THEN and only then consider bringing her away from where she is grounded with her children. And stop thinking so much about you! You are affecting so many lives right now by being so selfish. Life is not all about you. Just to reiterate, the OW is not a sister, but someone who I thought at first might be a half-sister. Let's not make this situation worse than it is. I'd argue I haven't been just thinking about me. After all, I haven't cast my lot with the OW precisely because of the kids. I've consistently told her I am not willing to leave my kids behind for her, and I have not encouraged her to move away from her kids. I do agree that I must act to leave one or both relationships behind. I don't know about one year, but a good amount of time on my own would do me well. The OW doesn't have her kids for a week starting tomorrow, so that's when it'll be less difficult to have a serious conversation with her. I just need to muster the courage to do it.
y2k Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 I think you should be on your own for at least a year - to find yourself without input or emotions from any woman. Well stated. Above all else - your kids deserve you as their Dad to be present and participating - you can't do that when a new woman is on the scene- especially a needy one like your sister. It's not his sister...lol. And having her move away from her young kids is just ... Unforgivable. How could you even consider that as any option - shame on you. They need heir Mom! If and when You still love her in ten years - THEN and only then consider bringing her away from where she is grounded with her children. And stop thinking so much about you! You are affecting so many lives right now by being so selfish. Life is not all about you. I don't agree 100%. It's complicated in the fact that you and her live so far away. If Emily divorces, and if the OP was to divorce, then why couldn't they have a long distance relationship for while until Emily gets things sorted out with her kids??? Life is too short to be waiting around. The OP is the father of his kids whether he's married to his wife or not. That should make no difference. OP follow your heart, but plan things out. Not everything is impossible. But I believe you should divorce your wife. It's the only honest and fair thing to do. The rest......well if you and Emily are really in love, you two will plan it out, though I don't think she should leave her kids behind like that. If Emily was to move in with you, she should take her kids with her.
Author LeapDay Posted March 4, 2012 Author Posted March 4, 2012 Well stated. If Emily divorces, and if the OP was to divorce, then why couldn't they have a long distance relationship for while until Emily gets things sorted out with her kids??? Life is too short to be waiting around. The OP is the father of his kids whether he's married to his wife or not. That should make no difference. OP follow your heart, but plan things out. Not everything is impossible. But I believe you should divorce your wife. It's the only honest and fair thing to do. The rest......well if you and Emily are really in love, you two will plan it out, though I don't think she should leave her kids behind like that. If Emily was to move in with you, she should take her kids with her. Emily's divorce is almost final. She was planning to divorce before we came into each other's lives, but our budding relationship accelerated her plan. She and I have discussed the idea of her kids moving with her to my town, but that makes me feel guilty, too, because then they're far away from their dad, and that's not fair to the kids or their dad. The worst thing that could happen is that the kids feel like they have to choose where to live. Emily's close friends have told her she's crazy to be waiting around for me (they're probably right), but what perplexes me is why her friends don't point out the challenges she's likely to face with her kids. Maybe they do point it out, but she doesn't let it sink in because she's stubborn about wanting to pursue our relationship. I've had a counselor express similar alarm to me about plan to move here sans kids, but when I tell Emily that, she shrugs it off by saying her kids know she loves them, and they would want her to be happy and in a loving relationship. Incidentally, my wife remains willing to stay in our marriage, as long as I fully recommit to her. Jill's exceptional traits of patience and forgiveness make me realize what a special person she is, and how I'm a fool if I divorce her. At the same time, I know she deserves better than what I've given her. It's increasingly obvious that I need to take a break from both women to sort through my personal baggage.
Try Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 In just a few days, we had become best of friends who knew each other’s life histories, and our intimacy was generally accepted because of the unique circumstances that brought us together. So your wife trust you as you explore your family tree and this is how you repay her? I have heard about the "just friends" excuse being used to hide an affair as it develops, but this is the first time that I have heard of the "she is my sister" excuse being used for this purpose. Your wife and your children will suffer because of your actions. You can try to paint it anyways that you want, but you are a very selfish and bad person that is blame shifting and remaking history to rationalize what you are doing.
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