CMartin Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Me and my girlfriend of 5 years are currently on a break. We just got to a point where she didn't appreciate me and I didn't either. We had taken each other for granted and forgot what our relationship meant to us. We were arguing very badly for a 2 week period, so I suggested a break. She first was very upset and it didn't take it very well. I didn't take it very well either and it hurt me to do it, but I feel as if it needed to be done. We live together in a city where her parents live as well so she is moving in with them and she is taking all of her stuff, clothes, belongings, etc. It has been since Friday 2/25, and she has been gone since then too. We have had very light contact every day since, except for today, which was mainly initiated by me. Even though I was the one that recommend and came up with the idea for the break, I am having the most difficult time because I am the one living at our place that we have together and everything about this place reminds me of us and I think about her every minute I am here. Of course, the solution to this would be to not be here, but thats not my reason for the thread. My question is, during a break, should we be talking/seeing each other and/or asking if they have been hanging out with any people that we should know about?
USMCHokie Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 ...so I suggested a break. My question is, during a break, should we be talking/seeing each other and/or asking if they have been hanging out with any people that we should know about? You broke up with her. It's up to her to decide whether to take you back. I don't buy this "taking a break" bullsh*t. There are no rules because there is no relationship. Move on.
Author CMartin Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 You broke up with her. It's up to her to decide whether to take you back. I don't buy this "taking a break" bullsh*t. There are no rules because there is no relationship. Move on. My fault...I was not clear enough. BEFORE we officially went on the break, we had agreed that if either of got involved physically or emotionally involved with someone else, then our break/relationship would be done for good. We are on a break, so to me/us, this means the relationship is on hold and not over. I'm not necessarily talking about should I go on a date since she moved out type of rule...but more along the lines of "Hey, how are you/I miss you". But my question is should I texting her to see how she's doing, tell her about stuff that happens in my while were on the break and vice versa?
CC12 Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 But my question is should I texting her to see how she's doing, tell her about stuff that happens in my while were on the break and vice versa? I would think not. If you were interested in sharing your life with her, you shouldn't have initiated a break. I don't really understand the motivation behind "taking a break." You obviously didn't have a solid plan on how exactly to do this, so what made you decide that this would help your relationship? What are you hoping this break will accomplish?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Sure there are rules to a "break". And Jerry Springer decides them as the audience measures the possible timing of conception when the pregnant girl comes on stage to tell her story, and cops to being pregnant by another man, gives her medically determined due date and the excuse: "we were on a break". The first rule is: that sequence is how it has to happen.
USMCHokie Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 I don't really understand the motivation behind "taking a break." You obviously didn't have a solid plan on how exactly to do this, so what made you decide that this would help your relationship? What are you hoping this break will accomplish? "Taking a break" is exactly that, action without a plan...a lazy way out of tackling real issues in a relationship...in my mind, "taking a break" is the coward's way out of communicating with your partner and then hoping that in time, she will just forget that you were even fighting...and history more often than not will repeat itself again... In my mind, the suggestion for "taking a break" oftentimes comes during an argument when one side clearly doesn't want to deal with an issue...he or she will just say, "maybe we should just take a break!" Chickensh*t.
Author CMartin Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 I would think not. If you were interested in sharing your life with her, you shouldn't have initiated a break. So then please explain to me what exactly a break is? We agreed to the break in hopes of re-igniting the fire again. We had been together for 5 years, really kind of treated each other like roommates and got into a lull is the easiest way to put it. We tried various things like taking trips to places, going on nice dates, etc. and all failed.
CC12 Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 So then please explain to me what exactly a break is? I don't know! I said I didn't understand it. I'm asking you what you thought it would accomplish.
Author CMartin Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 In my mind, the suggestion for "taking a break" oftentimes comes during an argument when one side clearly doesn't want to deal with an issue...he or she will just say, "maybe we should just take a break!" Chickensh*t. I can see this being the case for a couple that has not been together too long and does not care. We care about each other and really want it to work since we have spent the last 5 years of our lives together.
USMCHokie Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 So then please explain to me what exactly a break is? We agreed to the break in hopes of re-igniting the fire again. We had been together for 5 years, really kind of treated each other like roommates and got into a lull is the easiest way to put it. We tried various things like taking trips to places, going on nice dates, etc. and all failed. Then cherish the five years you had together and leave it at that. Fires in our lives are often only supposed to last for so long...it's all just part of the continuum of life...
Author CMartin Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 I don't know! I said I didn't understand it. I'm asking you what you thought it would accomplish. We agreed to the break in hopes of re-igniting the fire again after spending a couple weeks - 1 month away. We had been together for 5 years, really kind of treated each other like roommates and got into a lull is the easiest way to put it. We tried various things like taking trips to places, going on nice dates, etc. and all failed.
Author CMartin Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 Then cherish the five years you had together and leave it at that. Fires in our lives are often only supposed to last for so long...it's all just part of the continuum of life... This would def. be tough.
jerbear Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 A break is as USMCHokie mentioned, cowardice method of breaking up and keeping your options open. Since you suggested the break, there are no rules; why create one-sided rules? If she meets someone then she moves on and does not owe you anything. Ditto for you too. You suggested the break and if you meet someone; the breakup ensues and she'll have to deal with it. To be honest, it is not in her interests to pursue you after you suggested taking a break. 1
USMCHokie Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 I can see this being the case for a couple that has not been together too long and does not care. We care about each other and really want it to work since we have spent the last 5 years of our lives together. Like I said in my last post, just because you spent the last five years together doesn't mean you're supposed to spend the next 50...if you're not happy with her now, then just remember the last five years that you were happy, store it in your brain housing group, and then move on and find happiness again with someone else...and allow her to do the same... Don't treat the end of this relationship as a waste of the last five years...because it wasn't...it's just time to explore a new relationship...
DisGai Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 I believe the whole point of a break for both sides of a relationship is for each person to see what life is like without the other. This involves independence and building up character that does not depend or rely on the other. And in my opinion, this can only be achieved by no contact whatsoever AND no rules/regulations. Being bound by having to not get involved physically/emotionally with someone else can only induce a sense of self-restriction which inhibits your growth as an independent man (and this goes for her as a woman). And as hard as it might be for you (and maybe even her), perhaps you might have to call your "break" a breakup, CMartin. If you and your girlfriend do not appreciate each other, then a relationship is nonexistent. The only way the relationship can build up again is for the both of you to be completely separated from it. During this time (which will be hard), you need to strive for self-excellence and be real with yourself without the "restrictions" that are inherent in a relationship. And after some time (who knows how long), if a love and appreciation for each other sparks again, then perhaps the relationship can work. If not, it's not the end of the world because you will have solidified your confidence and appreciation for YOURSELF.. and you will find yourself a woman who truly is fit for you/the woman will find you. I'm currently about 4 weeks into a breakup which my Ex initiated. It really does seem impossible to try to forget about her and try to move on with improving my life, but I've forcefully been taking steps at it.. working out, playing more basketball, being more intentional with my friendships with others, etc.. all those good things. And I know that time will tell what the outcome will be for me and my ex. Perhaps we will part forever or perhaps we will get back together (sadly I am struggling to release myself from hoping for this). But it does seem absolutely crucial that I stay NC (No Contact) with her. Best of wishes and no matter what, you will be happy. Just remember that. God bless.
CC12 Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 We agreed to the break in hopes of re-igniting the fire again after spending a couple weeks - 1 month away. We had been together for 5 years, really kind of treated each other like roommates and got into a lull is the easiest way to put it. We tried various things like taking trips to places, going on nice dates, etc. and all failed. So if you tried everything and you failed, how is her moving all of her things out of your shared residence going to magically make your relationship finally work? I don't think you've thought this through, and if you have, then you're just grasping at straws now and trying to save a relationship that already failed.
Philosoraptor Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 So pretty much during the break you will look for someone else while also having the security to go back if you can't find someone else. Anyone wanna gamble who will get lucky first?
subhub40 Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 I read the first couple of replies you got here, and the advice you're getting is awful and ignorant. A trial separation is common practice in marriage counseling, to remove the couple from everyday contact/conflict. It is a de-escalation technique to reduce the stress level in the relationship and create a more positive environment for reconciliation. That being said, there is usually some sort of mediation process, with a counselor. Sometimes one of the parties will decide that they are simply happier, and the separation becomes permanent. I suggest you offer to attend couples therapy together. If that doesn't interest her, you're likely going to have to move on. Me and my girlfriend of 5 years are currently on a break. We just got to a point where she didn't appreciate me and I didn't either. We had taken each other for granted and forgot what our relationship meant to us. We were arguing very badly for a 2 week period, so I suggested a break. She first was very upset and it didn't take it very well. I didn't take it very well either and it hurt me to do it, but I feel as if it needed to be done. We live together in a city where her parents live as well so she is moving in with them and she is taking all of her stuff, clothes, belongings, etc. It has been since Friday 2/25, and she has been gone since then too. We have had very light contact every day since, except for today, which was mainly initiated by me. Even though I was the one that recommend and came up with the idea for the break, I am having the most difficult time because I am the one living at our place that we have together and everything about this place reminds me of us and I think about her every minute I am here. Of course, the solution to this would be to not be here, but thats not my reason for the thread. My question is, during a break, should we be talking/seeing each other and/or asking if they have been hanging out with any people that we should know about?
DisGai Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 I read the first couple of replies you got here, and the advice you're getting is awful and ignorant. A trial separation is common practice in marriage counseling, to remove the couple from everyday contact/conflict. It is a de-escalation technique to reduce the stress level in the relationship and create a more positive environment for reconciliation. That being said, there is usually some sort of mediation process, with a counselor. Sometimes one of the parties will decide that they are simply happier, and the separation becomes permanent. I suggest you offer to attend couples therapy together. If that doesn't interest her, you're likely going to have to move on. The big difference here is that they are not married. I believe that the only way for them to see that they're right for each other is to spend time apart from each other and living for themselves.
Recommended Posts