Can you really blame us?

[kaylan]

Preface: This is directed towards the ladies, but if you read my posts at all you know Im not silly enough to think men dont do the same things. Im just directing this at women because I date them, not men lol

 

The threads in the Dating forum over the last few weeks really made me say to myself "Ladies can you blame some of us guys from wanting to just be single and keep things casual?"

 

I mean, sure companionship is nice...but a relationship seems like a huge headache when I look through some of the issues I see here. But some of this stuff makes me shake my head and wonder why must this drama exist. I truly wonder if people are only content when theres a little bit of drama in their life. Is it that exciting? Do we all get bored without it?

 

Granted its not all of you, but all I have to do is log on and read here if I need to zap myself out of "want a girlfriend" mode.

 

Im too easy going for all the thinking dating seems to require. Theres just too many issues that are griped about:

 

- porn (big whoop...be glad my penis works)

- exes (why should I deal with your past drama?)

- pot (I dont smoke, but dont whine if I get high once a year with a friend)

- rushing things (slow down, I barely know you chica)

- insecurities (I cant make you like yourself)

- "Im not sure if I like him" (figure it out)

- misbehaving boyfriends (youre still dating this fool why?)

- apologists of bad ex behavior (trust me new guys will run if you defend it)

 

And these are just a few of the things that make me think its not worth it to date seriously. I dont wanna deal with potential stress. Sometimes I read threads here and its beyond me how some women behave. I really wonder if some of you step out of yourselves and look at your situation. And if you do, can you truly ask yourself "what the hell am I doing?"

 

I know, I know. Its hard to step outside of oneself and be objective when involved in an emotionally tugging situation. But Im baffled sometimes.

 

Then my closer chick friend tells me, "Kay...you wanna settle down...I know it...youre a good guy...do it...stop this single guy routine". And all I can tell her is I cant be bothered to deal with a relationship right now. Never mind the fact that the last two girls I dated were just so dranining that Ive been on a 3 month hiatus from dating. Its so much easier to just go out dancing with my friends if Im in the mood for women.

 

But see, I remember being at this point a couple years back. I just didnt want to be bothered with dating. But I got the feeling that I was having something held against me because I honestly would say "I just want to have fun right now". But somehow this phrase seems to not go over well with chicks, whether theyre an interest of mine, or just friends. I can tell from their reaction that what I said translates in their minds as "Im a jerk whos trying to sleep around" At least, thats the impression I got.

 

Untrue though...I just really feel like dating is sometimes way too much drama then it should be. I ask myself, how hard is it for a gal to come into the dating realm as a single chick without ex drama, insecurities, clingy behavior or unnecessary demands. Wheres the down to earth women who know exactly what they want and who are cool, easy going and just all around chill? No fuss, no muss...right? However, I am not finding these women. Why do some of them seem to exist on LS, but not in real life?

 

So when a young single guy looks at his past, his more recent dealings, and then looks at the situations of others in the dating realm...can you really blame him for wanting to just take a chill pill and be decidedly alone for a bit? Its doesnt mean he wants to sleep around, and it doesnt mean hes not open to possibilities of spending time with a nice gal. It kinda just means hes not putting a lot of effort into it at the moment.

 

He may go out to the bar or club every once in a while to dance and socialize. He may even kiss a few gals. Maybe something more. But hes content with things just being what they will be...and nothing else. He feels that at this moment...any chick would really have to wow him in order for him to decide to actively date again. Is that so bad?

[mesmerized]

Not all girls are dying to be in relationships either. I'm certainly not. I don't blame anyone for wanting to be single for a good period of time...it's fun and less hassle at times, why not?

Edited February 29, 2012 by mesmerized

[Woggle]

I agree. Men want drama free or at least drama lite women that we enjoy spending time with and are fun to be around. So many want to make everything so difficult. A woman you genuinely have a good time with is great and that is not just sex. If you can take a drama free week long vacation with her it is a huge sign that she is a good catch.

[soulm8]

Wheres the down to earth women who know exactly what they want and who are cool, easy going and just all around chill? No fuss, no muss...right? However, I am not finding these women. Why do some of them seem to exist on LS, but not in real life[/qUOTE]

 

Dude. You're seeing us in real life... but we're not demanding your attention. We're on hiatus as well... waiting to be wowed. Plenty of women are wondering where the men who know what they want (etc.) are hiding.

Edited February 29, 2012 by soulm8

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm starting to believe the conspiracy theorists who suggest the whole system is engineered to destroy the concept of family, turn us all into isolated robots plugged into our Internet/TV/video game machines, and enjoy watching us die off because we've stopped reproducing.

 

Life is not all about our special, individualized, glitter-sprinkled needs and desires. In addition to love, pleasure, and delight, it also takes pain, sacrifice, and sheer determination to drive the species in a direction other than straight towards hell.

[TheFinalWord]

I agree with a lot of what you said.

 

I think a few key things would make everyone have a healthier outlook on dating:

 

1) Learn to love being single. Like most everyone here, I'd really like to find a partner; someone who shares my interests, supports me, and that is physically attractive.

 

But I have re-framed my mind that such a person would complement my life; not be the center of it. Have other goals in life. Do what you want to do (the American dream).

 

Too many people tie their self-worth to finding a partner. If you have that mentality, prepare to be disappointed. Because even if you find a partner, they're still human beings. They're going to fail.

 

This mentality helps get out of the trap we see so much of here, which goes to my second point...

 

2) Don't settle.

 

Have realistic standards, but don't just take someone because there are no better options. Case in point: There's a post on here about a girl that is dating two guys; she doesn't really like the second guy that much but since there's nothing else immediately available, she's going to just keep it going.

 

If you do this to me it states you aren't content enough with your single life. It means you don't have any purpose for you life that is important enough to you. You need a human to "fulfill" you. I think we will have fulfilling relationships if we have a vision for our lives. Then another person comes along and the two paths come together. Put that first. Focus on becoming the right person instead of finding the right person.

 

If you're not content with your single life I don't think you will be mentally prepared for a relationship. This mentality of settling sets up the whole "needy/desperate" act we all loathe so much. Also, it's not cool to play with other people's emotions. These are human beings we're dealing with. The golden rule applies! Don't string people along so you can get your emotional fix please

 

Write down the 5 key things you need in a person. Stick to your list! Ask a close friend to review it to see if you're being reasonable. Be specific. Don't just say "a nice, tall man", "a petite, hot chick" lol More like,

 

1) A woman that is interested in my profession and wants to help me accomplish my vision

 

2) A woman that enjoys traveling out West and enjoys hiking

 

3) A brunette with blue eyes (whatever it is for you; be realistic )

 

4) A woman that has a long-term vision for her life, plans for the future, and is a modest spender

 

5) A woman that is kind, intellectual, and close to her family

 

You see there is nothing about sports (b/c sports don't interest me), wild night life, or supermodel on my list. Not that my list is the best, you have to figure out what it is for you!

 

3) Don't settle when in a relationship.

 

If someone is treating you bad or you start getting red flags, get out. Stop wasting your time. Too many times I have dated people and overlooked red flags. Now I know better. You get in the relationship and keep it going much longer than it should. This is where so much emotional stress gets involved.

 

Of course you have to compromise in a relationship. I think there is a key way to tell if you're settling...if you're worse off with this person than without them; get rid of them! See rule 1 This person is supposed to complement your life and make it better. If they're draining you, why keep it going? Life is way too short and there's way too many people out there.

 

Don't get jaded over past relationships. Put the ownness on yourself to enjoy being single, not settle, and not prolong relationship that are emotionally draining.

Edited February 29, 2012 by TheFinalWord

[USMCHokie]

1) Learn to love being single. Like most everyone here, I'd really like to find a partner; someone who shares my interests, supports me, and that is physically attractive.

 

2) Don't settle.

 

3) Don't settle when in a relationship.

 

Great post. Point 2 is a big problem for me...I play the "needy/desperate" act like it's going out of style, often tag-teaming it with the race card...it's a dynamic duo...

[betterdeal]

Er, people generally look up a relationship forum and so find this place because things aren't as groovy in their relationship(s), so the data you're basing your perceptions on is neither representative of the whole or particularly well glued together.

 

This place is like a volunteer run field hospital (especially the Dating fora). Keep that in mind and you may be less surprised that there's a bit of moaning and groaning, hyperbole and hysterics.

[kaylan]

Er, people generally look up a relationship forum and so find this place because things aren't as groovy in their relationship(s), so the data you're basing your perceptions on is neither representative of the whole or particularly well glued together.

 

This place is like a volunteer run field hospital (especially the Dating fora). Keep that in mind and you may be less surprised that there's a bit of moaning and groaning, hyperbole and hysterics.

I get what you are saying, as it is something I have said myself in a few posts on this forum.

 

However, my OP was not formed from only looking at what goes on here. My OP was influenced by my own experiences, as well as those of people I know outside of the internet. I believe I stated this..but even with that being said it is true that the threads here are what finally compelled me to want to talk about this.

 

The issues I have seen in the real world are no different in frequency than what we see pop up on LS. All LS has allowed me to do is see that Im of course one of many who have to deal with a good bit of drama in dating. Such is life, gotta deal with the bad eggs before ya find a good one.

[Els]

I notice the same thing, but I have the opposite reaction. Frankly, the majority of threads I read make me feel extremely grateful for my relationship, instead.

[Woggle]

I'm starting to believe the conspiracy theorists who suggest the whole system is engineered to destroy the concept of family, turn us all into isolated robots plugged into our Internet/TV/video game machines, and enjoy watching us die off because we've stopped reproducing.

 

Life is not all about our special, individualized, glitter-sprinkled needs and desires. In addition to love, pleasure, and delight, it also takes pain, sacrifice, and sheer determination to drive the species in a direction other than straight towards hell.

 

This true but people have to decide if the pain and sacrifice are worth it and in many cases they are not. Our planet has too many people anyway and just because don't really commit to each other anymore doesn't mean they stopped having kids.

 

I agree with you for the most part but this is the world we live in and I don't see it changing anytime soon.

[Dusk1983]

I ask myself, how hard is it for a gal to come into the dating realm as a single chick without ex drama, insecurities, clingy behavior or unnecessary demands. Wheres the down to earth women who know exactly what they want and who are cool, easy going and just all around chill? No fuss, no muss...right? However, I am not finding these women. Why do some of them seem to exist on LS, but not in real life?

 

There's a 50% divorce rate. Dysfunctional families create dysfunctional people.

 

You need a girl from a stable, loving background, preferably with two parents. I'm lucky enough to have one, but there aren't many.

[phineas]

Dude. You're seeing us in real life... but we're not demanding your attention. We're on hiatus as well... waiting to be wowed. Plenty of women are wondering where the men who know what they want (etc.) are hiding.

 

You are either on hiatus or not.

what you just described is picky.

 

Hiatus means it doesn't matter who comes your way, you aren't interested in dating.

 

When i hit that point where I want to be single, jessica alba couldn't lock me down.

I'd chill with her & try to slip it in, but I wouldn't date her if I was in "didn't want to date." mode.

[verhrzn]

I get what you are saying, as it is something I have said myself in a few posts on this forum.

 

However, my OP was not formed from only looking at what goes on here. My OP was influenced by my own experiences, as well as those of people I know outside of the internet. I believe I stated this..but even with that being said it is true that the threads here are what finally compelled me to want to talk about this.

 

The issues I have seen in the real world are no different in frequency than what we see pop up on LS. All LS has allowed me to do is see that Im of course one of many who have to deal with a good bit of drama in dating. Such is life, gotta deal with the bad eggs before ya find a good one.

 

If all of your relationships keep turning out that way (with the drama), then you need to ask yourself why you keep CHOOSING those particular women. It's like my friend who complains that he keeps attracting needy, broken girls.... except he's a White Knight whose type is totally the hot, drama-tstic Little Girl.

 

There is only one consistency in all of your relationships and experiences, and it's you.

[make me believe]

Yeah I'm with verhrzn, if your relationships are filled with drama you have to blame yourself for some of it. You can't just blame the girls. First of all, you keep picking those girls. Second, you must have participated in some of the drama...they can't really keep causing drama with a guy who refuses to take part in it.

 

I've never had a relationship that was filled with drama or that could be described as a hassle, so I can't relate to the sentiment of this thread. I think a lot of people nowadays don't know how to be in a successful relationship though, because people seem to be becoming more & more selfish. Also people put up with TONS of crap in relationships just because they are afraid to be "alone" as if not having a boyfriend or girlfriend for more than 5 minutes means you'll be spending the rest of your life in sad isolation. It's pathetic, really.

[zengirl]

I'm starting to believe the conspiracy theorists who suggest the whole system is engineered to destroy the concept of family, turn us all into isolated robots plugged into our Internet/TV/video game machines, and enjoy watching us die off because we've stopped reproducing.

 

Life is not all about our special, individualized, glitter-sprinkled needs and desires. In addition to love, pleasure, and delight, it also takes pain, sacrifice, and sheer determination to drive the species in a direction other than straight towards hell.

 

I love this post, Ruby. I just love it.

 

I notice the same thing, but I have the opposite reaction. Frankly, the majority of threads I read make me feel extremely grateful for my relationship, instead.

 

Seriously! Yes, people are complex and sometimes messy, but I don't find my relationship infested with most of those problems. What I would suggest is not staying with someone who's all drama if that's not your thing.

[Lostinlife4now]

Preface: This is directed towards the ladies, but if you read my posts at all you know Im not silly enough to think men dont do the same things. Im just directing this at women because I date them, not men lol

 

The threads in the Dating forum over the last few weeks really made me say to myself "Ladies can you blame some of us guys from wanting to just be single and keep things casual?"

 

I mean, sure companionship is nice...but a relationship seems like a huge headache when I look through some of the issues I see here. But some of this stuff makes me shake my head and wonder why must this drama exist. I truly wonder if people are only content when theres a little bit of drama in their life. Is it that exciting? Do we all get bored without it?

 

Granted its not all of you, but all I have to do is log on and read here if I need to zap myself out of "want a girlfriend" mode.

 

Im too easy going for all the thinking dating seems to require. Theres just too many issues that are griped about:

 

- porn (big whoop...be glad my penis works)

- exes (why should I deal with your past drama?)

- pot (I dont smoke, but dont whine if I get high once a year with a friend)

- rushing things (slow down, I barely know you chica)

- insecurities (I cant make you like yourself)

- "Im not sure if I like him" (figure it out)

- misbehaving boyfriends (youre still dating this fool why?)

- apologists of bad ex behavior (trust me new guys will run if you defend it)

 

And these are just a few of the things that make me think its not worth it to date seriously. I dont wanna deal with potential stress. Sometimes I read threads here and its beyond me how some women behave. I really wonder if some of you step out of yourselves and look at your situation. And if you do, can you truly ask yourself "what the hell am I doing?"

 

I know, I know. Its hard to step outside of oneself and be objective when involved in an emotionally tugging situation. But Im baffled sometimes.

 

Then my closer chick friend tells me, "Kay...you wanna settle down...I know it...youre a good guy...do it...stop this single guy routine". And all I can tell her is I cant be bothered to deal with a relationship right now. Never mind the fact that the last two girls I dated were just so dranining that Ive been on a 3 month hiatus from dating. Its so much easier to just go out dancing with my friends if Im in the mood for women.

 

But see, I remember being at this point a couple years back. I just didnt want to be bothered with dating. But I got the feeling that I was having something held against me because I honestly would say "I just want to have fun right now". But somehow this phrase seems to not go over well with chicks, whether theyre an interest of mine, or just friends. I can tell from their reaction that what I said translates in their minds as "Im a jerk whos trying to sleep around" At least, thats the impression I got.

 

Untrue though...I just really feel like dating is sometimes way too much drama then it should be. I ask myself, how hard is it for a gal to come into the dating realm as a single chick without ex drama, insecurities, clingy behavior or unnecessary demands. Wheres the down to earth women who know exactly what they want and who are cool, easy going and just all around chill? No fuss, no muss...right? However, I am not finding these women. Why do some of them seem to exist on LS, but not in real life?

 

So when a young single guy looks at his past, his more recent dealings, and then looks at the situations of others in the dating realm...can you really blame him for wanting to just take a chill pill and be decidedly alone for a bit? Its doesnt mean he wants to sleep around, and it doesnt mean hes not open to possibilities of spending time with a nice gal. It kinda just means hes not putting a lot of effort into it at the moment.

 

He may go out to the bar or club every once in a while to dance and socialize. He may even kiss a few gals. Maybe something more. But hes content with things just being what they will be...and nothing else. He feels that at this moment...any chick would really have to wow him in order for him to decide to actively date again. Is that so bad?

 

 

Kaylan!!!! Beautiful thread!!!

 

You have just written what I am feeling!!! I DO NOT WANT DRAMA!!!! I have had enough drama with men in my life. It is just so much easier to be alone! I don't date..and don't have any intentions of finding someone. If it is supposed to happen then it will. I am a PEOPLE-PLEASER, subservient, (to a fault) BUT have my own thoughts and values. Right now it is just too much trouble to get to know someone and let them into my world. At my age, but still young enough, just don't want to conform to any man right now! Don't have too many single friends, all of my girlfriends are married (don't want to be in their shoes either) (one hasn't had sex with her husband for 12 years) that one I just don't understand)..

 

So when you say it is easier to be alone!!!!! I UNDERSTAND YOU!!!!

 

and yes, a man would really have to "WOW" me to get into a relationship.

 

Thanks.........

[maybealone]

What age range are we talking about here? Because as much as I hate to generalize, many people in their 20s are all about drama. To the point that if there isn't any real drama going on, they'll find some in a mountain/molehill way. I was guilty of it when I was a single, 20-something woman, but I have lived a nice, drama-free life for the most part since then.

 

(big whoop...be glad my penis works)

 

This just needed to be quoted, mainly as a reason of why I like reading your posts so much.

 

P.S. Porn is awesome!

[stillafool]

What I find most interesting about the threads in the "Dating" forum is that it is men who are doing most of the complaining about women who are not really interested in them. I don't see too many threads about the women complaining (except for Verhrzn) that they can't get a date or a bf. So I think this thread should be from a woman saying "Can you really blame us?".

[Jane2011]

I definitely think I have dating issues that are my own fault. I'm also admittedly picky. This is not to say the man is never to blame as well, but I own up to being problematic, too. (Actually not in any of the ways described in the OP, though). I don't have issues with guys looking at porn (it's okay by me unless they have some serious mental addiction, I don't care if a guy smokes weed a few times a year, etc.)

 

I've had a lot of near misses in the past two years (three of them weren't really viable options in the first place; I was just on the rebound and having a good time. But two of them were viable options but didn't work out in the end).

 

I'm trying to wind down from it all and just be single. I've gone on a few dates in the past two months, but they've been disappointing.

 

I have some projects and goals that I want to pursue and that manage to fill my mind. I do have friends and good family and am happy in many ways. I don't want to settle for some guy I don't want. I just can't do it.

 

So, I'm aware I need to work on myself. But I'm also trying to just be single and pursue this particular goal I have. And hang with my friends and talk about books, movies, music, current events, whatever.

[Jane2011]

Jane2011, you seem to be going the path of an old, single and lonely Cat lady. It's OK, my attractive self with bunch of younger girls chasing me at my old age, will come over an adopt a Cat or two. Don't worry, you will have at least 27 left.

 

Thanks! I appreciate that

 

But...I don't think I'd really be that person. I might not have a mate, but I have way too much family to be alone...

 

And if anything, I'd have dogs, not cats.

Edited February 29, 2012 by Jane2011

[kiss_andmakeup]

I notice the same thing, but I have the opposite reaction. Frankly, the majority of threads I read make me feel extremely grateful for my relationship, instead.

 

Same here! Actually I'm grateful for all the women out there that have all these issues...maybe they're the reason I've been able to snag myself such a great guy. I'm extremely laid-back and avoid drama and conflict like the plague, so perhaps that makes me even more attractive to men who have been through drama-filled, tumultuous relationships.

 

There are a plethora of women out there without all the issues listed in the OP. If every woman you date is like that, as many have said, your people-picker is off.

Edited February 29, 2012 by kiss_andmakeup

[fortyninethousand322]

I wish I had the luxury of sitting back and taking a chill pill for a bit. My "wild single life" consists of staying home and listening to university lectures, reading, working out, and watching TV.

 

I'd gladly take some drama in my life.

[Untouchable_Fire]

We are an entire nation of spoiled brats. Dating sucks because of that fact.

 

It's funny because I've been reading some stuff from American authors over 100 years ago and our values were SO much different then.

 

Does it really surprise anyone that the "ME" generations are struggling to date?

[threebyfate]

I don't blame anyone for wanting to be single. It's simple, easy and relaxing fun. But I do have to question why there's such a focus on blaming the entire other gender by individuals who nitpick the negatives and ignore the positives.

 

The more filters, the longer it takes to find a partner which to me is fine, as long as there's no blamefest. Just be patient.

 

But when people reel off lists and expectations, then whine, bitch and moan about how it's everyone else's fault even though it's because they're so damn picky, I lose complete patience.