Is it bad if both people are moving "too fast?"

[Funf]

My friends and I were talking earlier today about the "speed" of the initial part of dating/relationships and there were a couple of things that were brought up. First, is there such thing as both individuals moving too fast? I said that yes, there is but my friends argued against it. They said that if each individual is equally allowing the relationship to develop at a certain pace, than neither of them will interpret it as things progressing too fast. It might be too fast for other individuals but it is just right for that particular couple. But I don't know. It just seems like things should happen at a certain rate but maybe I'm oversimplifying things and not place a timeline on them. I don't know.

 

Thoughts?

[veggirl]

Yeah in general I think moving too fast is bad even if both are mutually doing it. I truly believe that, again in general, things that start at a racecar speed burn out just as fast. It's just not natural to be in love or moving in after a month. You simply don't know someone that quickly. Infatuation is not love. Butterflies are not love.

[Jane2011]

I tend to agree with your friend. I mean, we can probably all come up with instances in which two people mutually moved fast and it didn't work out, but also instances in which it did.

 

So I'm with your friend on the grounds that I think if both people are happy with the pace, it's all good. Maybe there would be something that could be gained from moving a little more slowly (and they just don't know it because they didn't take that route), but if the two people in question are moving fast and it's working for them, I don't see where there's a problem.

[juliebijoux]

Up until a week ago I would have agreed with your friends, but after receiving some very good advice on here I think it is really important to keep those infatuation feelings in check and be fully aware of them. I don't know if everyone needs the same exact time table, but a month is too soon to be making future plans.

 

I realized that even though the guy and I had so much and had so much in common, I really didn't know him that well. There was so much more to learn about him. I was blinded these strong emotions/hormones etc that I felt.

[betterdeal]

It depends on what you want from the encounter. Many a young man and woman has falling in love, made love, declared undying love and felt completely loved over the space of a two-week holiday in the Mediterranean, got on a plane home and rapidly lost contact. They enjoy it, which is what matters.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think your friends will think much differently down the road after gaining some further experience.

 

Initial emotions and chemistry are all too common, even If you "never" had these feelings with anyone before...that's the real death trap that will make you lose your marbles.

 

The problem is you really know next to nothing about this person, everything is new and exciting and completely clouded...in fact everyone is acting as if they are high on drugs in the beginning of a new relationship where everything is so "perfect" and both people are willing to jump off a bridge for each other.

 

However there's a point where reality comes in, and where you have to take notice this person is an actual real person, that's when things can start falling apart. You start acknowledging the goods and the bads, the compatibilities and incompatibilities...you know, all those these that you put on the back burner in the beginning, including the red flags?

 

If you really want to have a successful and meaningful relationship then you build it on a solid foundation, not just off emotions. You put in the time, you ask the questions, you find out who that person really is instead of this perfect person you don't even know.

 

Usually starts fast ends fast...or they start building the actual relationship backwards. It's also a bad odds to roll the dice on.

 

However when you feel swept away by someone, you have work really hard at maintaining that steady pace...but it really is for the best of the relationship.

 

Plus I think a lot guys fall off the rollercoaster fast after they get over the infatuation with you and realize there wasn't a lot of depth to it or didn't even have great expectations as you thought. So as a woman you should be really careful not to trick yourself into something, they don't tend to make sure the man is on the same track or keeping pace, they run off by themselves and expect the man to be right there next to her instead of far behind by the time they look.

[setsenia]

Well if it's what you both want, there's nothing wrong with it as you're both adults. However, most people I have known who rush into things in ex: "sex on the second or third date" tend to run through relationships really fast. In my experience, I think it's best if you get to know each other as individuals before deciding you want a physical and more emotionally committed relationship. Especially if you don't know their sex history and only one of you is using birth control. (Women on birth control having sex with a guy without a condom) How do you know they don't have an STD before you rush into the sack with them? You certainly wouldn't know after only a second or third date. If it's really what you want, both of you should get tested prior to sex. I think you are more likely to have a long lasting relatioship if you go slow, get to know each other first.

[crossfitter]

Up until a week ago I would have agreed with your friends, but after receiving some very good advice on here I think it is really important to keep those infatuation feelings in check and be fully aware of them. I don't know if everyone needs the same exact time table, but a month is too soon to be making future plans.

 

I realized that even though the guy and I had so much and had so much in common, I really didn't know him that well. There was so much more to learn about him. I was blinded these strong emotions/hormones etc that I felt.

 

+1 to this.

 

I made a thread about my situation with both parties moving too fast (and the hurt I'm feeling now, as a result), but it's really important to not let the rush of "I like this person" emotions cloud your judgment. Even if you're both on the level with where you guys think you are in terms of a relationship, you still risk ruining what connection you may have by jumping the gun.

[oldguy]

I would think it depends; if both people just met within a week after both of their 10 year marriages ended & are engaged within a month & planning a family, that would be too fast.

 

It also depends on how well you get to know someone & how quickly. I use to do consulting work for LE & privet investigators & I was surprised to learn just how many people, mostly woman, have back ground checks done on men they are dating. I was surprised but actually thought it was a good idea

[make me believe]

Yes, because it shows poor boundaries & bad judgment for BOTH people.

[zengirl]

Well, the term "moving TOO fast" implies a problem. The difference you'll run into is what speed people think is "too fast" or not. I would say if either person or both people FEEL it's too fast and do it anyway. . . that sounds like trouble to me. But what's too fast for someone else might not be fast enough for me or vice versa. I wouldn't let outsiders judge what's "too fast" or "too slow"---I'd use my own sense about it. YMMV.

 

They said that if each individual is equally allowing the relationship to develop at a certain pace, than neither of them will interpret it as things progressing too fast. It might be too fast for other individuals but it is just right for that particular couple. But I don't know. It just seems like things should happen at a certain rate but maybe I'm oversimplifying things and not place a timeline on them. I don't know.

 

I don't think you can 'set' a rate that works for all people, so I guess I'd agree with your friends. That said, sometimes people move too fast, wonder if its too fast, but are enjoying it and so do so anyway---that'd be where I'd see trouble. If it didn't even FEEL fast, even if it seemed fast to outsiders, then I would agree it wouldn't be too fast. I think people should trust how they personally feel about a situation, not look at some arbitrary timeline or ask outsiders.

 

I think your friends will think much differently down the road after gaining some further experience.

 

As I gained more dating experience, I worried less and less about the rate at which things were developing and focused more and more on the depth and patterns in which they developed, so I don't know that experience always makes you want to "slow down" perse. I moved much more slowly in my youth before I had the experience to understand what I wanted. But that's just me. *shrug*

 

I agree with some of the points you made -- a lot of them actually, about emotions vs. who the person really is -- but I do think people get to know each other at different rates and in different ways. I think setting arbitrary time frames is as silly as relying purely on emotion. So, I think balancing the two is key.

[threebyfate]

Yup, oversimplifying. My husband proposed within 7 weeks of our first date. We've now been together over 3 years, ended up getting accidentally pregnant around the 6.5 month mark of our engagement so we accelerated our wedding date, had our beautiful boy, had a devastating miscarriage and now are pregnant with our second. Our love just keeps growing stronger instead of waning with time.

 

Had you asked me this same question four years ago, I would have agreed with you about "what's the rush?". But now, I'll happily eat my prior beliefs. Sometimes people meet the right person and a fast pace is their natural pace. That's not to say that it's for everyone. Gauge by couple and synergy.

[sigurpol]

Yes, there is such a thing about moving too fast. People in their late teens and early 20's are still developing one way or another. Mentally, financially, academically, etc. It's foolish to dust all of those variables under a rug and say that warm hearts and good faith will keep things under control. That's bologna. I suppose that's the analytical side of me thinking, but.. that's me.

 

Even if people are older, and have steady careers, shouldn't go off and get engaged a few months into things. When is the last time you heard that people got married within 5 months and everything is functional? Thats sort of a joke, haha, but seriously!

 

I recently went to a wedding where the couple was 23 (woman) and the guy was 27. They MET six months ago. Got engaged a month later, then had the wedding. And it showed. The after party was a complete disaster and basically turned into a glorified frat party. Now they live in a house with four other people.

 

I brought this up to some people and I got some flak for it. "They're in love, why can't you be happy for them?" Why? Because the guy JUST got divorced last year and has a kid that he never sees.

 

I get people want to get that instant gratification and move things along, but geez. Savor the flavor.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Yup, oversimplifying. My husband proposed within 7 weeks of our first date. We've now been together over 3 years, ended up getting accidentally pregnant around the 6.5 month mark of our engagement so we accelerated our wedding date, had our beautiful boy, had a devastating miscarriage and now are pregnant with our second. Our love just keeps growing stronger instead of waning with time.

 

Had you asked me this same question four years ago, I would have agreed with you about "what's the rush?". But now, I'll happily eat my prior beliefs. Sometimes people meet the right person and a fast pace is their natural pace. That's not to say that it's for everyone. Gauge by couple and synergy.

 

Your relationship is not nearly long enough for me to be convinced of that, I've had plenty of relationships that lasted as long or even longer. You know what the difference is? I didn't propose to anyone like your husband did, it was easily my choice...In fact how many women here do you think would be married had their bf's or ex's plus kids if their man asked them to marry them? I'm sure plenty, does that mean they didn't go too fast because they had a ring on their finger? Now that, is oversimplifying it to me...you can have the same woes and issues anyone else haves, In fact in my opinion you haven't even started getting to know each other yet. You're distracted with having children and getting married, you're both still in beginning of really understanding who each other is...how many divorcees do you see now who had that same exact experience? I'm not saying it isn't "real" but honestly this in no way means you could say that it's wise to step on the gas in a relationship early on when you could be divorced 2 to 3 years from now when you're finding out that there's more to this person that you had initially thought. It takes years to get to know somebody, REALLY get to know somebody and just about anyone could tell you that with experience in being in long-term relationships, 3-4 years is really nothing is all I'm saying.

 

I guess the reason this bothers me so much is how often I hear women hold their relationship up as an example of true love (which they always seem to brag about to others)...then the next day their crying and weeping about...."how could he cheat on me...he said he wanted to love me and be with me forever...how could he do this to me, i had his children...we had a life together" I just see it all too often.

 

It just becomes very annoying on how surprisingly easy it is for people to claim victory in something that really hasn't stood the test of time.

 

At the end of the day I think the majority of people will regret taking those leaps of faith into something they thought was so more, you have to use common sense and be smart about love, which most people neglect just because they have emotions. They think if someone else is willing to merely piss in the wind with them...then it must be right.

[zengirl]

Your relationship is not nearly long enough for me to be convinced of that, I've had plenty of relationships that lasted as long or even longer. You know what the difference is? I didn't propose to anyone like your husband did, it was easily my choice...In fact how many women here do you think would be married had their bf's or ex's plus kids if their man asked them to marry them? I'm sure plenty, does that mean they didn't go too fast because they had a ring on their finger? Now that, is oversimplifying it to me...you can have the same woes and issues anyone else haves, In fact in my opinion you haven't even started getting to know each other yet. You're distracted with having children and getting married, you're both still in beginning of really understanding who each other is...how many divorcees do you see now who had that same exact experience? I'm not saying it isn't "real" but honestly this in no way means you could say that it's wise to step on the gas in a relationship early on when you could be divorced 2 to 3 years from now when you're finding out that there's more to this person that you had initially thought. It takes years to get to know somebody, REALLY get to know somebody and just about anyone could tell you that with experience in being in long-term relationships, 3-4 years is really nothing is all I'm saying.

 

I disagree. If you wait 3-4 years minimum to start forming a true relationship with someone (whether that's marriage and kids or whatever), if you're always in the 'probationary' state, the state where you believe it could all end tomorrow, you don't get to the good stuff. It's wasteful.

 

I'm not suggesting everyone rush into marriage or living together or do anything in particular --- everyone should do their own thing. But I think it's silly to suggest that several years together is a drop in the bucket.

 

Who knows how long we all have? It might not be as long as you think. Some of us don't want to wait around and hem and haw about what might go wrong. Even if a couple doesn't make it forever, I think a couple in a state like TBF described is experiencing something very real and worthwhile and hopefully she is happy with what she has now. What we have in the moment is all that really matters---we can plan with an eye towards the future, but only an eye. The truth is, anyone could be gone tomorrow.

 

I think it's all well and good to try to avoid divorce, but I think it's foolish to fear you don't know someone you've lived with for (in TBF's case) YEARS. I don't know what your criteria for 'knowing' a person is, but if it takes that long. . . Geez, by the time you know them, they won't be the same person! We're all changing all the time.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I disagree. If you wait 3-4 years minimum to start forming a true relationship with someone (whether that's marriage and kids or whatever), if you're always in the 'probationary' state, the state where you believe it could all end tomorrow, you don't get to the good stuff. It's wasteful.

 

I'm not suggesting everyone rush into marriage or living together or do anything in particular --- everyone should do their own thing. But I think it's silly to suggest that several years together is a drop in the bucket.

 

Who knows how long we all have? It might not be as long as you think. Some of us don't want to wait around and hem and haw about what might go wrong. Even if a couple doesn't make it forever, I think a couple in a state like TBF described is experiencing something very real and worthwhile and hopefully she is happy with what she has now. What we have in the moment is all that really matters---we can plan with an eye towards the future, but only an eye. The truth is, anyone could be gone tomorrow.

 

I think it's all well and good to try to avoid divorce, but I think it's foolish to fear you don't know someone you've lived with for (in TBF's case) YEARS. I don't know what your criteria for 'knowing' a person is, but if it takes that long. . . Geez, by the time you know them, they won't be the same person! We're all changing all the time.

 

You know what the good stuff for you is? Basing your whole life around those initial moments instead of who that person is. Making big...if not huge decisions...do you think 3-4 years is too long to bring another human being into the world that you're going to have to raise for the rest of your life? Or should those decisions be made within 7 weeks or 6.5 months into the relationship? Because after all...that's where the "good stuff" is.

 

Don't you realize that this is the process that people repeat over and over? these are the single moms/dads, these are the divorced parents remarried with someone else who had their own "good stuff" romance who is now much wiser and more knowledgeable. Hmm I wonder If you were to ask these people with their experience what their take is on moving fast? maybe after 14 years of marriage and then getting divorced that's who we should be listening to rather than the girl who's a little over 3 years into a new marriage?....don't you think? Because these are the people I've watched and listened to, not the 20 somethings beginning their lives.

 

I'm not saying you should wait forever, I'm not saying you need to be patient (which everyone hates because everything is rush rush rush these days...I mean it's a mystery why most relationships don't last really...even though they all had these "crazy" emotions in the beginning) but sometimes I wonder what people think is going out there. Does no one not look at other people around them and learn fro their mistakes or experiences? Does everyone just think their relationship was a diamond in the rough? Does everyone just think out of a billion people on the earth that they just so happen to win the lottery and meet that special someone? Or does life just lead the soulmate towards you?

 

It's idealistic fantasies that leave so many people confused, It's this whole Disneyland theme park ride where everything always works out due to love and feelings. Well I'd have to break to you people, but there's A LOT more to love and living than that, IF you're doing something because you don't know how much time you'll have on earth...you might as well go skydiving everyday...because hey, what control do you have over it anyway! All or nothing baby, what do you do when you land on the ground every day though and figure out there's more to it?

[zengirl]

You know what the good stuff for you is? Basing your whole life around those initial moments instead of who that person is. Making big...if not huge decisions...do you think 3-4 years is too long to bring another human being into the world that you're going to have to raise for the rest of your life? Or should those decisions be made within 7 weeks or 6.5 months into the relationship? Because after all...that's where the "good stuff" is.

 

Don't you realize that this is the process that people repeat over and over? these are the single moms/dads, these are the divorced parents remarried with someone else who had their own "good stuff" romance who is now much wiser and more knowledgeable. Hmm I wonder If you were to ask these people with their experience what their take is on moving fast? maybe after 14 years of marriage and then getting divorced that's who we should be listening to rather than the girl who's a little over 3 years into a new marriage?....don't you think? Because these are the people I've watched and listened to, not the 20 somethings beginning their lives.

 

I believe TBF is in her 30s, but I'm not sure. At any rate, you can choose to approach life with optimism or pessimism, I suppose. I would never wait around a decade to figure out "who someone was" but maybe you would. That's fine. That said, there are marriages that have lasted 80 years that were made on the spur of the moment and those that crumbled after 5 year relationships and lots of careful discussions and planning. If we knew the secret to avoiding divorce, someone would've found it---but no one has.

 

I'd rather have a 14 year marriage with a string of good years (and children, if I wanted them -- personally, I don't) that sadly failed to last longer than a 10 year relationship where I'm always one foot out, worried that the person isn't right for me, never quite sure. I choose to be sure and to be decisive, and it's worked for me, generally in life. But nothing is certain. My first fiance died before we could get married. I don't know if my husband and I will divorce, or whether he'll be alive a year from now, or whether I'll be alive tomorrow. I really don't know. But I felt sure enough to say 'yes' when he asked, so I know the feelings TBF described.

 

If you don't feel sure enough, then it's too fast for you, but I believe calling her relationship meaningless because it doesn't meet your max timeline is silly and weird.

 

It's not about thinking "things always work out" but about thinking it's worth taking the risk that they won't.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I believe TBF is in her 30s, but I'm not sure. At any rate, you can choose to approach life with optimism or pessimism, I suppose. I would never wait around a decade to figure out "who someone was" but maybe you would. That's fine. That said, there are marriages that have lasted 80 years that were made on the spur of the moment and those that crumbled after 5 year relationships and lots of careful discussions and planning. If we knew the secret to avoiding divorce, someone would've found it---but no one has.

 

I'd rather have a 14 year marriage with a string of good years (and children, if I wanted them -- personally, I don't) that sadly failed to last longer than a 10 year relationship where I'm always one foot out, worried that the person isn't right for me, never quite sure. I choose to be sure and to be decisive, and it's worked for me, generally in life. But nothing is certain. My first fiance died before we could get married. I don't know if my husband and I will divorce, or whether he'll be alive a year from now, or whether I'll be alive tomorrow. I really don't know. But I felt sure enough to say 'yes' when he asked, so I know the feelings TBF described.

 

If you don't feel sure enough, then it's too fast for you, but I believe calling her relationship meaningless because it doesn't meet your max timeline is silly and weird.

 

It's not about thinking "things always work out" but about thinking it's worth taking the risk that they won't.

 

To me there's a difference between being optimistic and wishful thinking. I think being optimistic is hoping for the best, however I see too many people take that too far and glaze right over significant issues and problems that only surface sometime down the road when both people keep trying to deny that aspect of it...eventually those things cause big problems. They'd rather chase those dreams and ideals rather than say hey...there might be a problem here..oh well let's just close our eyes and turn our head and maybe everything will magically will work out.

 

Anyone with a experience will understand what that is like. I have a great deal of relationship experience, and I'm also a romantic who's very passionate and likes things to be very thrilling and exciting. But I've had to balance those two which almost seems like an impossible task at times...but I've done balls to the wall and I've done slamming on the brakes...however I know without experiencing everything I did I wouldn't realize how important it is to acknowledge and take into account so many factors...I mean we're truly looking for the real thing here? we're looking for that love that last forever are we not? If not then I could have easily settled a hundred times with great women.

 

I also don't see a lot of women thanking their ex-husband after going through that divorce...i don't see a whole lot of "Hey, thanks for the wild ride! It was great having kids with you and at least giving it a good shot!".

 

I have a stronger empathy for what children go through, I see how much kids suffer the brunt of divorces and broken families and how It affects their choices in mates and in life. I see how destructive an upbringing and broken family can shatter the values of people and how they end up respecting themselves and even how they respect others. I guess that's why for me I take children much more seriously, not because I want them so bad for myself or It seemed like a good idea at the time...because I know although I can just chalk it up as good times while it lasted and I appreciated the good memories (If I'm even thinking that way) I know they're going to have to deal with a lot of personal issues in their lives because of it, it affects them forever...so I guess that's how come I'm so rigid with love when it comes to children...because to me they're the ones who suffer.

[zengirl]

I'm a child of divorce, and my life was still fine. Granted, my mother married a few years after the divorce to a much better man than bio-Dad (who remained somewhat in my life, and I'm very close to the rest of our family on that side). But my Mom knows she wouldn't have met my Stepdad without going through the experiences of her first marriage (where she also had me, which she seems to be a fan of).

 

For me, life is a series of experiences. Yes, you learn along the way, and no, you shouldn't ignore warning signs or red flags, but I think you can also err on the side of being far too cautious. That's why we cannot apply the same rules to everyone or every situation. There's never ever a guarantee.

[threebyfate]

I'm not going to try to convince anyone of anything. All I know is that these have been the happiest three years I've ever had with anyone and the strongest love ever experienced.

 

People are welcome to their skeptism, particularly those who haven't gotten to know me on LS. Doesn't matter if it lasts forever since there are no guarantees in life. All I know is that I'm very happy, he's a fantastic husband and father and our son is thriving in our happy environment without drama or stress, with every possible advantage that loving parents, family and friends can give him.

 

I'm happy, how about the rest of you skeptics? Are you happy without being loved and giving love?

[carhill]

Slow or fast, loving someone, being open and vulnerable to another, is always a risk. Most people, if reading these forums, feel it's a risk worth taking, even though many have suffered negative results from the risk. It's part of the human condition.

 

So, hence, 'moving fast' is a particular risk, perhaps different in description and/or scope from 'moving slow'. If one is comfortable with that risk and views it positively, then they have framed one potential for success. If it fails, it does. The only way to know is to try

 

I recall when TBF had her whirlwind snow removal romance. My gut instinct at the time was that it would fly and I don't recall ever once arguing against it, even though 'slow' has always been my style. Something about it 'fit'. I guess that's an instinct, also part of human condition. Only human.

[january2011]

If you're both adults in the eyes of the law, self-aware enough to know what you want in a relationship and believe you've found it with the other person, who is to say whether you are moving too fast or too slow? At the end of the day, it's only someone else's opinion.

 

You make your choice and own it.

[anne1707]

Your relationship is not nearly long enough for me to be convinced of that, I've had plenty of relationships that lasted as long or even longer. You know what the difference is? I didn't propose to anyone like your husband did, it was easily my choice...In fact how many women here do you think would be married had their bf's or ex's plus kids if their man asked them to marry them? I'm sure plenty, does that mean they didn't go too fast because they had a ring on their finger? Now that, is oversimplifying it to me...you can have the same woes and issues anyone else haves, In fact in my opinion you haven't even started getting to know each other yet. You're distracted with having children and getting married, you're both still in beginning of really understanding who each other is...how many divorcees do you see now who had that same exact experience? I'm not saying it isn't "real" but honestly this in no way means you could say that it's wise to step on the gas in a relationship early on when you could be divorced 2 to 3 years from now when you're finding out that there's more to this person that you had initially thought. It takes years to get to know somebody, REALLY get to know somebody and just about anyone could tell you that with experience in being in long-term relationships, 3-4 years is really nothing is all I'm saying.

 

I'm not going to try to convince anyone of anything. All I know is that these have been the happiest three years I've ever had with anyone and the strongest love ever experienced.

 

People are welcome to their skeptism, particularly those who haven't gotten to know me on LS.

 

 

In TBF's defence (as if she needs any help in this ), knowing her as much I do through her LS posts, she is no pushover and not one to just wallow in mush at the idea of a man proposing to her. She is a strong, independent, opinionated woman (as I well know ) who does not need anybody. If she is with someone it is through choice. She and her H have also gone through immense pain over the past few months and are still together and still happy.

 

What can I say. I knew I wanted to marry my H within a month of meeting him and here we are still together and happy after 17 years