Don't want to get over her

[ThaWholigan]

I think normal/healthy people can do messed up things when their upset. Any painful breakup is bound to push you over that line between normal behavior and finding yourself acting in destructive ways.

 

Figured I would post what i did so you can at least see that the way that you're trying to confront her to gain some sort of closure..your treading a thin line into some scary territory. If this meeting doesn't provide that for you, what will?

 

Try to put yourself in her shoes. Would you want your ex to confront you, if they try to bait you into a fight?

It's not his ex.

[somedude81]

I think normal/healthy people can do messed up things when their upset. Any painful breakup is bound to push you over that line between normal behavior and finding yourself acting in destructive ways.

 

Figured I would post what i did so you can at least see that the way that you're trying to confront her to gain some sort of closure..your treading a thin line into some scary territory. If this meeting doesn't provide that for you, what will?

 

Try to put yourself in her shoes. Would you want your ex to confront you, if they try to bait you into a fight?

Frankly, if I was the dumper, I'd never even be in this situation. I would have handled everything much more maturely then she did.

 

And if an ex wanted to confront me and ask me why or what happened, I'd gladly tell them. Of course I'd try to be considerate of their feelings, but I don't like lying to people or giving half-truths.

[punkinthetrunk]

It's not his ex.

 

Ahh...so he's dealing with rejection from someone he genuinely cared about, and the feeling wasn't reciprocated. Its a blow to the ego either way

[somedude81]

Ahh...so he's dealing with rejection from someone he genuinely cared about, and the feeling wasn't reciprocated. Its a blow to the ego either way

Yeah we didn't date.

 

I liked her, we were close friends we hung out for about two years but she was never interested in dating.

[Teknoe]

What could possibly happen?

 

You're obviously hell-bent on finding out...

 

Your last several posts... wow. It left me speechless. I really can't tell if you're trolling at this point or not (like you supposedly admitted to doing with the "ring" post a few days ago). It's getting really hard to tell if you're dead serious, or just doing some classic trolling. I seriously hope it's the latter, but sadly fear it's the former.

 

It's getting very "One Goal 2.0-esque" at this point. I know how much you hate that comparison to (former) resident LoveShack perennial whipping boy "One Goal" but facts are facts. This is something One Goal would do. Hell, it's something HE HAS ALREADY DONE.

 

Do you really want to go down this path and get worse and worse?

 

I echo Tha's post. You should seriously reconsider taking Meeks7 up on his free offer to bring one of his friends to come speak with you, hear everything you want to get off your chest.

[Teknoe]

I just can't see myself actually getting angry if I was around her.

 

Nightofsky nailed it in another thread of yours not too long ago... YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT/ARE CAPABLE OF. That's what is so scary. You act like you know, when you have no idea. This is not to denigrate your character; I'm simply being honest and trying to help you see your "blind spots" (there's a reason why they're called blind spots... you can't see them unless someone else points it out to ya)

 

You have shown signs of anger before, and I don't doubt if D ignores you or gives you anything less than "OH MY GOSH! SD! How I've missed you so!" that you're liable to flip off the handle in a flash.

 

You're just not in a very rational state of mind right now....

 

 

When I'm posting here, I'm feeling all the negative energy coming from everybody, I'm trying to defend myself, I'm angry and I say mean things.

 

Gee, ever wonder why there's so much negative energy in all your threads? When people think of sound mental health, they ain't exactly getting a picture of SD81 in their heads!

 

Trying to defend yourself? Most of the time, with each post you make and all the outlandish comments you post, you're making yourself a bigger target. Really, if she starts crying, that would be funny? Do you see what I mean... you're your own worst enemy.

 

It's not Tek

It's not Tha

It's not Tman

It's not LoveShack

It's not your parents who divorced when you were 3

It's not your friends who broke up with you in HS/jr. college

It ain't D

It ain't God

 

IT'S YOU.

[Teknoe]

All I wanted to do was spend time with her and she took that away without even telling me why

 

Do you really not know why? You became way too overbearing. You were suffocating her. She was also on a different life track, and realized you weren't part of her plans anymore. It's not hard to guess. Either way, she's done with you. Accept it and move on. You write "accept it and move on" in other people's threads... why can't you apply your own advice?

 

Oh, and "all you wanted to do was spend time with her."

 

Again, a clear sign of you having no idea what you're doing or what you want... why DIDN'T you accept her summer dinner invite? That was 3-4 more hours you could have spent with her. Do you see how your logic flips and flops? You say one thing, but you go and do the opposite. Something is off-kilter there...

 

 

a part of me wants her to get mad at me but for a reason that I can understand and accept.

 

And what would be a reason you can understand and accept?

 

What if she said "You became too obsessive, too clingy and quite frankly, I was even getting a bit creeped out" ??

 

Can you understand and accept that reasoning?

 

 

I know it sounds petty to even think about starting a fight with her and potentially ruining her day but my feelings are strong and it feels like something I need to do.

 

This is the same kind of logic people believed before they did something horrible and something they would later come to regret deeply.

 

Not saying you're going to murder or rape anyone ever, but it's similar lines of thinking. "I see it this way, this is the way it has to be, I have to do it no matter what or who it may harm..."

 

 

If she let me have some form of closure back in November, I wouldn't even be in this mess now.

 

The sooner you stop blaming others for where you are (or aren't) in life, the better off you will be.

[betterdeal]

Sorry, I didn't read the whole thread, where's this at? Have you done what you said you wanted to do, somedude81 or is this a letting off steam thread? Are you feeling more or less tense, angry? Has it helped?

 

Don't want to get over her

 

So don't get over her. Whose stopping you from maintaining your feelings for her? You can maintain unrequited love for as long as you like. Many a widow and widower has, nothing wrong with that: just do what you want to do. But I sense you have conflicting feelings, or maybe are uncomfortable with the feelings you have and you're trying to avoid them; masking them in anger and bitterness. It's okay to not be okay. Maybe take some time to think what you want from life, and start planning for that.

 

Take it easy.

Edited March 8, 2012 by betterdeal

[somedude81]

I understand that nobody wants to give me advice, or encourage me for fear of being an enabler. But calling me creepy, in danger of getting arrested, self-absorbed and incapable of treating people like human beings plus all the nonsense Teknoe throws at me isn't helping, neither is saying "get help."

 

It should be obvious that I am angry and hurting and that I don't know what I'm doing.

 

I'm stuck on somebody from the past because I hate my present and have no hope for the future.

[betterdeal]

You're afraid. What of?

[somedude81]

Right now, that if I try to talk to her on Monday, she'll be cold/mean to me. I really don't know how to react to that. All I want is to talk to her, and yes I know that she doesn't owe me a conversation, that's been beaten into my head enough already.

 

I'm also afraid that I'm going to end up spending the rest of my life alone. All I've ever managed to do is get into these friendzone situations and I'm sick of them. I'm terrified of meeting a new girl, falling for her and ending up in the same exact situation I'm in now. I'd rather die then go through this again. Because of that, I haven't tried at all to meet new women. I just don't see the point any more.

[cerridwen]

I understand that nobody wants to give me advice, or encourage me for fear of being an enabler. But calling me creepy, in danger of getting arrested, self-absorbed and incapable of treating people like human beings plus all the nonsense Teknoe throws at me isn't helping, neither is saying "get help."

 

It should be obvious that I am angry and hurting and that I don't know what I'm doing.

 

I'm stuck on somebody from the past because I hate my present and have no hope for the future.

 

There's a wall we hit SD, and the harsher posts are people's attempts to climb over that wall and reach you.

You're admittedly stubborn and right now, have tunnel vision.

You're lacking perspective, and that's what people are hoping to give.

 

It is obvious you don't know what you're doing, hun.

And I am sorry you're in pain.

But how can we abide your wanting to inflict the same on her?

How can we feel empathy for a man who would find a girl's crying funny?

 

By confronting D in the manner you describe, you advance the same dysfunctional pattern you've always followed.

Learn a new way to cope.

Grow.

Become a better person and find pride in that.

Lack the coping skills to handle this rejection in a healthy way?

Acquire them.

That's your responsibility.

[Meeks7]

I've been quietly following this thread, and emailed it to my girl friend who wanted to speak with Somedude81. In fact, she has a message for you. I'll get to that message in a little bit, but first...

 

 

Seriously, you should go back to therapy, or take up Meeks7's offer.

 

Somedude81 has declined my offer. It started out as me giving him an opportunity to speak with my girl friend via Skype. He said "Thanks but no thanks. I already had a female who I did that for a while, and we were going to meet up, but life got busy." He said what he needed was to speak with someone in real life face to face, but when presented with the actual opportunity, he strangely declined. So she told me she'd be happy to send one of her SoCal counselor friends to meet up with Somedude81 at a coffee shop. For whatever reasons, despite saying what he needed was someone he could talk to in real life, he declined my offer.

 

Grace (my girl friend) is surprised and she isn't, all at the same time. Here's what she said

 

-----

 

"Hmmm, I'm surprised he rejected my free offer, but at the same time I am also not too surprised. I've seen many cases where people who desperately need (and even want) help, for whatever reasons (insecurity, fear, anxiety, etc.) do not reach out. They're so comfortable in their ruts that it's become kind of a twisted reality for them, and the thought of actually moving toward anything remotely positive frightens them beyond suffering in the same kind of hurts. There is a strange comfort in experiencing familiar hurts over and over again, and people are prone to subconsciously carry out self-sabotaging choices to assure that they remain stuck in their self-inflicted pain."

 

-----

 

I also emailed her this thread for any words of wisdom she might have for you. Here is her detailed response. I hope it helps color in some perspectives for you, SD

 

---

 

"Thanks for sending me the message board thread. I just read through the entire thing, and also have combed through some of his previous posts in other topics. I really want to help him. It's what I do for a living. So, please pass this onto him on the board. Thanks.

 

The first thought that comes into my mind is, "Wow, he is in a ton of pain." I wish he would reconsider meeting up with my SoCal friend, because he is right when he says he absolutely needs someone to talk with in real life. There is only so much one can do over the internet. What he needs is a real life support group. He can get that, if he would only do his part (i.e. saying yes to my offer would be a good start). Unfortunately, by reading his posts I can see he has allowed himself to hit a certain level of hopelessness that is NOT impossible to get out of, but certainly becoming a bigger cesspool by the week if he continues in his current ways.

 

It's admirable there are so many other posters trying to help him, but I've dealt with people like him. He's so caught up in his own rut that he simply cannot see other people's perspective right now. In his mind, he wants A, and even though B, C and D are clearly healthier choices to make, he's adamant on trying to get A by any means necessary. It's like trying to pound a triangle into a square peg. When it doesn't work after 100 tries, he'll grow frustrated beyond frustrated, and wonder why life is so cruel to him. Maybe if he adopted a healthier perspective and make healthier choices, he'll realize how to enjoy himself and life a bit more.

 

Please pass these words onto him. I don't know if it'll help, but I pray some of my counseling advice will sink in. After all, I'm trained to help hurting people heal

 

The first thing he needs to do is to rediscover his giving and receiving nature.

 

The ways that we think, talk and interact with others are based on what we hold to be true about human nature. If we believe that our nature is primarily aggressive, selfish, competitive, and egocentric, our thoughts and actions reflect those beliefs. For example, he said in the thread that being respectful of other people's feelings and desires has never gotten him anywhere with girls, and so now you can see his beliefs manifesting. He's willing to hurt this girl emotionally for his own gain and satisfaction (or so he thinks) for a possible explanation as to why she cut him out of her life.

 

Pablo Casals once said "A capacity to care is the thing which gives life its deepest meaning and significance."

 

The capacity to care for others is a basic human quality. Unfortunately for him, from his 30 years of life experiences, he's adopted a mentality where caring for others is not important. And it's all about him, and his desires being fulfilled. This is, to put it gently, a very faulty premise and a key reason why he has found life so disappointing/frustrating up to this point.

 

The good news is, he can still change. People can ALWAYS change.

 

There are 5 premises I share with my clients. People pay a lot of money for this stuff. I'll give it to him for free. Tell him to pay attention to the 5 premises. If he can get it, he'll be better for having got it. Here's a brief overview; I will only go in-depth for a couple points which I think speak most loudly to his specific situation.

 

Premise 1: We are all natural givers

A. We each have a lot to give

B. We enjoy giving when we do it willingly

 

Premise 2: We can give and receive to meet the most needs for everyone

A. Needs are universal and identifiable

B. Our needs are independent of specific people

C. We are always trying to meet our needs

D. Feelings are helpful messengers of met and unmet needs

E. Identifying our needs is empowering

 

Premise 3: To meet needs we can become more choiceful about how we think, listen, talk and act

A. We are agents of choice

B. We can choose how we act

C. We can choose how we think

D. We can choose how we listen

E. We can choose how we talk

 

Premise 4: We can continually learn new ways to meet needs

A. We can refine strategies to meet needs

B. We can celebrate when strategies work

C. We can learn from strategies that don't work

 

Premise 5: By focusing on needs we can prevent, reduce and resolve conflicts

A. Needs are never in conflict

B. Conflicts occur when we think there is only one way or one person to meet a need

C. Conflicts occur when a strategy chosen to meet a need means that some other important needs will not get met

D. For the most fun, we can find ways to meet everyone's needs

 

I want to highlight a few that ring especially loud for Somedude81. Let's begin with Premise 2B

 

Our needs are independent of specific people. Needs are most clearly expressed in three words. For example, I need clarity, I need knowledge, I need companionship, and so forth. We might have a specific person in mind to help us meet a need; however, to have a need met we are not dependent upon that one person. Needs do not include specific people or specific actions, as in: "I need you to..." Thinking that only one person or action can meet a need is a primary source of conflict.

 

Now let's apply this in SD's situation. He has several needs here. He needs closure. He needs friendship. He needs acknowledgement. The issue is he thinks there's ONLY ONE person who can fulfill these needs: That girl. Another issue is, he thinks there's ONLY ONE way to get his needs met: by having another encounter with her.

 

As I stated two paragraphs above this one, thinking that only one person or action can meet a need is a primary source of conflict -- this is why he is in so much pain, hurt and confusion. He has identified ONLY ONE way and ONLY ONE person who can get his needs met: the girl that walked out of his life several months ago. He needs to understand his unmet needs can be fulfilled only when he realizes our needs are independent of specific people. Right now he thinks his unmet needs can only be fulfilled by talking with this girl. This is unhealthy and if left unchecked could progessively get worse and worse.

 

Now let's move to Premise 3C:

 

We can choose how we think. As well as choosing our actions, I can choose where I put my focus. If I focus on thoughts of who's right and who's wrong, what's fair and what's not, who's bad and who's good, I will spend my time analyzing, judging, blaming and criticizing... ways of thinking that make life less harmonious and distract attention from meeting needs. When I think that others are manipulating me, taking advantage of me, ignoring me, disrespecting me, I will likely feel annoyed, irritated, or angry. If, instead, I think in terms of the needs people are trying to meet in every action they take, I am more likely to feel compassion.

 

For example, SD is constantly defending himself. That's because he's looking at it from who's right, who's wrong, what's fair, what's not, etc. rather than thinking about it in terms of needs people are trying to meet. There are obviously a lot of posters who are trying to help him, and the need they are trying to meet is simply helping out a fellow human being who is in a world of hurt. Instead, he's interpreting the posts as attacks. Therefore, he needs to rexamine and choose how he will think. Thought life is not to be underestimated or undervalued. Thought life is EVERYTHING. If one's thought life is full of pain, anger, hurt, resentment, jealousy, etc. it's not surprising to see that person act out in such self-destructive ways.

 

My final point is Premise 5: By focusing on needs we can prevent, reduce and resolve conflicts. Most often, people experience conflict as painful and want to find ways to prevent, reduce and resolve it. This can be done by identifying needs and choosing strategies to meet them that work for everyone. At the level of needs there are no conflicts; there are only our human needs. For example, there are my needs for learning and connection and your needs for learning and connection; there are my needs for trust and respect and your needs for trust and respect. These are facts about each of us.

 

If needs are not the source of conflict, what is? Conflict occurs when we think that there is only one way or one person to meet a need. Conflicts also occur when the strategy chosen to meet a need means that some other important needs will not get met... mine or yours.

 

Let's pause right there. SD's need to be loved is not a source of conflict. What is however is that it can only be met through this girl. She clearly does not want to see him ever again, and by confronting her, her need will not get met (i.e. the need for a fresh start). SD's strategy is to fulfill his need, but it certainly won't fulfill her need. And that's another reason why conflicts occur.

 

Preventing, reducing and resolving conflicts relies upon an ability to focus on needs and to be creative and flexible in determining strategies to meet needs.

 

SD's needs aren't unhealthy. We all have those needs. What is unhealthy however is the way he thinks, his strategies for dealing with his needs, and the fact that he thinks only one person or one course of action can meet his need. This is why he's in constant conflict.

 

I sincerely hope he will reconsider meeting my counselor friend face to face. It would be a wise strategy to trying to get his needs met for knowledge, acknowledgement, wisdom and healing. I'd love to hear that he's accepted my free offer to meet up with my friend. However, at the end of the day, only he can step up and turn his life around. Selecting healthier strategies will be a big step if he can find the resolve from deep within himself to step out of his comfort zone. Let me know if he ever changes his mind to meet up with my friend in SoCal. Let him know the offer still stands. All he has to do is simply say yes and take it.

-Grace"

[somedude81]

There's a wall we hit SD, and the harsher posts are people's attempts to climb over that wall and reach you.

You're admittedly stubborn and right now, have tunnel vision.

You're lacking perspective, and that's what people are hoping to give.

Right now, I see a lot of those 'perspective posts', as outright attacks. Nobody would be OK with what has been said to me.

It is obvious you don't know what you're doing, hun.

And I am sorry you're in pain.

But how can we abide your wanting to inflict the same on her?

How can we feel empathy for a man who would find a girl's crying funny?

Me finding a crying girl funny is a few issues.

 

A big part of me is angry at women and think that they're the enemy. I know it seems counter productive to feel that way about women when I want to have a relationship so badly. But when all I've ever gotten is pain from them, it's a battle inside me.

 

I spent a big portion of my accounting class today starting at a pretty girl with large breasts who was sitting one row forward and a few seats to the side of me. And during that time I was shifting between feeling turned on by her, and also being angry because I felt deep down that she would never give me a chance. It's absolutely crazy to get mad at a girl that I don't know at all, but it happens.

 

As for thinking a crying girl is funny, the thought that I can have an emotional impact on a girl just seems ridiculous. As if anybody cared about me enough for my words to mean anything. It's like being called a cheap ass by a bum you refused to give money to.

By confronting D in the manner you describe, you advance the same dysfunctional pattern you've always followed.

Learn a new way to cope.

Grow.

Become a better person and find pride in that.

Lack the coping skills to handle this rejection in a healthy way?

Acquire them.

That's your responsibility.

You can't just tell me to learn.

 

Yes I know it's my responsibility.

 

But instead of finding a way to cope with the pain, I wish for something that could get rid of it, or heaven forbid, make me actually feel good.

 

I'm sorry if I'm coming across as snarky cerri, this is not directed at you, but at the world that's telling me to just live with the pain.

-----

 

I'll get to Meeks7 post later.

[betterdeal]

Right now, that if I try to talk to her on Monday, she'll be cold/mean to me. I really don't know how to react to that. All I want is to talk to her, and yes I know that she doesn't owe me a conversation, that's been beaten into my head enough already.

 

If you're worrying about that, why are you thinking of talking to her? What does closure look like to you? To me, it means closing or ending something. She did that. She ended things with you and has stuck to what she said. What is it you want?

 

I'm also afraid that I'm going to end up spending the rest of my life alone. All I've ever managed to do is get into these friendzone situations and I'm sick of them. I'm terrified of meeting a new girl, falling for her and ending up in the same exact situation I'm in now. I'd rather die then go through this again. Because of that, I haven't tried at all to meet new women. I just don't see the point any more.

 

So which are you more afraid of right now? Being alone or meeting a woman? Whatever you do now doesn't have to be forever. Right now, you are alone by your own choice. You choose to not meet women. You choose to be angry and write your angry thoughts here. You can choose differently in the future.

 

You don't have to act on your emotions. Just accepting them for what they are is a big step towards finding more effective ways to change the causes of those feelings. Instead of planning out a confrontation with someone, just accept you are angry, afraid, upset. Feel the feelings. It's okay to not be okay.

 

This is nothing to do with this girl. You know that. This is you suppressing, displacing and projecting your feelings. Anything to avoiding them. Being scared of being scared is half your problem. Work on that. There are offers to talk to someone face to face here. Try it. What have you got to lose?

[Teknoe]

There are offers to talk to someone face to face here. Try it. What have you got to lose?

 

I agree 100%.

[Badsingularity]

Do not do it. You will only scare her.

[somedude81]

Somedude81 has declined my offer.

Here's my problem with the offer.

 

I'm obviously going to need to meet with her more than once. Can I assume that every meeting would be free? That doesn't seem likely and I simply can not afford therapy now.

I also emailed her this thread for any words of wisdom she might have for you. Here is her detailed response. I hope it helps color in some perspectives for you, SD

I was thinking about asking you to do that.

 

Has she seen this thread? It's super long but eye opening. I just read through it now though mainly focusing on my own posts.

 

My God, it seems that Teknoe had more posts in that thread than I do. Even after I told him to back off...

 

The first thing he needs to do is to rediscover his giving and receiving nature.

All I've ever been doing is giving. Trying to make the other person enjoy themselves as much as possible, all I asked for in return was to spend time with me.

The ways that we think, talk and interact with others are based on what we hold to be true about human nature. If we believe that our nature is primarily aggressive, selfish, competitive, and egocentric, our thoughts and actions reflect those beliefs. For example, he said in the thread that being respectful of other people's feelings and desires has never gotten him anywhere with girls, and so now you can see his beliefs manifesting. He's willing to hurt this girl emotionally for his own gain and satisfaction (or so he thinks) for a possible explanation as to why she cut him out of her life.

 

Pablo Casals once said "A capacity to care is the thing which gives life its deepest meaning and significance."

 

The capacity to care for others is a basic human quality. Unfortunately for him, from his 30 years of life experiences, he's adopted a mentality where caring for others is not important. And it's all about him, and his desires being fulfilled. This is, to put it gently, a very faulty premise and a key reason why he has found life so disappointing/frustrating up to this point.

The mentality that caring for others not being important is very new. I'm so tired of trying to be others needs in front of my own and not getting anything out of it. I'm not asking for an equal exchange but just throw me a bone every once in a while.

 

But after so long of having nothing given to me the only thing left to do is start taking and not care who I hurt along the way. That is not my nature, just merely an adaption.

 

Our needs are independent of specific people. Needs are most clearly expressed in three words. For example, I need clarity, I need knowledge, I need companionship, and so forth. We might have a specific person in mind to help us meet a need; however, to have a need met we are not dependent upon that one person. Needs do not include specific people or specific actions, as in: "I need you to..." Thinking that only one person or action can meet a need is a primary source of conflict.

 

Now let's apply this in SD's situation. He has several needs here. He needs closure. He needs friendship. He needs acknowledgement. The issue is he thinks there's ONLY ONE person who can fulfill these needs: That girl. Another issue is, he thinks there's ONLY ONE way to get his needs met: by having another encounter with her.

 

As I stated two paragraphs above this one, thinking that only one person or action can meet a need is a primary source of conflict -- this is why he is in so much pain, hurt and confusion. He has identified ONLY ONE way and ONLY ONE person who can get his needs met: the girl that walked out of his life several months ago. He needs to understand his unmet needs can be fulfilled only when he realizes our needs are independent of specific people. Right now he thinks his unmet needs can only be fulfilled by talking with this girl. This is unhealthy and if left unchecked could progessively get worse and worse.

My primary needs are love, intimacy and sex. Those three needs are dependent on the participation of another human. No, I do not feel that D is the only girl who can provide them. Yes she is the #1 person I would like to meet those needs but I would be ecstatic if another woman would. But there hasn't been anybody else. There hasn't been. So those needs go unfulfilled and passed on to what ever girl I'm crushing on at the time. D is currently that vessel.

 

Since I can not get the primary needs of love, sex and intimacy fulfilled I have other secondary needs and that can be where closure, friendship and acknowledgement come in.

 

Friendship can come from anybody though the need itself isn't that strong.

 

Acknowledgement, I guess I'm getting that from here, this forum. Again not really a strong need.

 

Closure. Only she can provide that. She was the one who suddenly decided to walk away. I'm not sure how anybody else can meet that need. Even then, the encounter with her is actually a foolish attempt to reconnect and somehow leading to my primary needs being met. I know that odds of that happening are abysmal, so the closure thing would have to suffice.

Instead, he's interpreting the posts as attacks. Therefore, he needs to rexamine and choose how he will think.

It's pretty obvious to me that several posts are attacks. There is no other way for me to see it.

If one's thought life is full of pain, anger, hurt, resentment, jealousy, etc. it's not surprising to see that person act out in such self-destructive ways.

And that's exactly what it is.

Conflict occurs when we think that there is only one way or one person to meet a need. Conflicts also occur when the strategy chosen to meet a need means that some other important needs will not get met... mine or yours.

 

Let's pause right there. SD's need to be loved is not a source of conflict. What is however is that it can only be met through this girl.

I have no idea how to get my needs met. All I know is that she has been the closest that I have ever been to that happening. It seems perfectly natural to me that I would get stuck on her.

She clearly does not want to see him ever again, and by confronting her, her need will not get met (i.e. the need for a fresh start). SD's strategy is to fulfill his need, but it certainly won't fulfill her need. And that's another reason why conflicts occur.

I really hate the thought that one of her needs is to not see me.

 

It paints me as some kind of horrible abusive monster.

 

That's one reasons I keep contemplating suicide. If I'm some kind of terrible person, then the world is surely not going to miss me.

 

SD's needs aren't unhealthy. We all have those needs. What is unhealthy however is the way he thinks, his strategies for dealing with his needs, and the fact that he thinks only one person or one course of action can meet his need. This is why he's in constant conflict.

Thank you. For the longest time it's been as if people were telling me that it's wrong to want a GF and that should just be happy by myself. There was just no way that I could accept that.

 

I have no idea how to get those needs met and my failures greatly affect the way I think.

I sincerely hope he will reconsider meeting my counselor friend face to face. It would be a wise strategy to trying to get his needs met for knowledge, acknowledgement, wisdom and healing. I'd love to hear that he's accepted my free offer to meet up with my friend. However, at the end of the day, only he can step up and turn his life around. Selecting healthier strategies will be a big step if he can find the resolve from deep within himself to step out of his comfort zone. Let me know if he ever changes his mind to meet up with my friend in SoCal. Let him know the offer still stands. All he has to do is simply say yes and take it.

-Grace"

Honestly, at this point in my life, I think the most beneficial type of help that I could get is some kind of sex surrogate.

 

I need to learn how women work, how they think, react and what to say/do to them that can get me down the path of an adult relationship. I've been fumbling around on my own since I was 13 and it's obviously not working. Because of that, I have little reason to believe that things would ever change. And frankly, I'd rather be dead, then be 40 years old in the same situation I am now.

 

Of course instead of getting the sex surrogate type thing, being in a real relationship would fix everything.

[Badsingularity]

No one is attacking you. They are just trying to keep you from making a bad decision. They are trying to help you.

 

I have seen several posts in different threads that were full of helpfull advice to you and you took them as attacks ignoring the advice.

 

Sometimes brutal honesty can be a bitter pill to swallow, but you need to listen to it without taking things personally so that you can hear the help they are trying to give you.

[Meeks7]

Here's my problem with the offer.

 

I'm obviously going to need to meet with her more than once. Can I assume that every meeting would be free? That doesn't seem likely and I simply can not afford therapy now.

 

Hmm, I don't know. That is entirely up to her friend('s schedule). I think the thought is, the first meeting would be to feel each other out and give you an opportunity to talk over matters of your heart with another person who may be able to help you. Take it one step at a time. Maybe instead of asking why (which easily leads one down the path of finding excuses not to do something) you should declare "Why not!"

 

 

I really hate the thought that one of her needs is to not see me.

 

It paints me as some kind of horrible abusive monster.

 

That's one reasons I keep contemplating suicide. If I'm some kind of terrible person, then the world is surely not going to miss me.

 

Not everyone gets along in life. This is a fact. Some people click right away, others take some time, and others still never do. That's OK. It's human nature. So she might have gotten along with you for 2 years, for whatever reason things changed. That's another life fact. Things change, people change.

 

She has the free will and right to end a friendship if she wishes. You can't force a person to love you in the way you desire.

 

It doesn't make you some abusive monster. Just chalk it up to she wanted a fresh start. Obviously, you became "too much" for her to handle. I read through the I FEEL LIKE CRAP thread and I can safely make the assumption that you simply became too overbearing. She also knew you liked her and she didn't want to date (you). But it seemed you kept pushing the envelope more than what was comfortable to her. Texting her repeatedly without her responding also wasn't the greatest decision (I know when people do that to me I quickly feel suffocated. I once had a girl text me 3 times being very demanding and clingy... I had no room to breathe in the friendship and so decided to cut my losses with her). I wouldn't be surprised if D felt a little steamrolled by your actions and wanted to break free.

 

It doesn't make you a monster. It's just life. People change, and things change. It's not like you beat her up or anything, so quit thinking so negatively that you're a monster. It's all in your head!

[somedude81]

If you're worrying about that, why are you thinking of talking to her?

Because I'm stupid. I really can't think of a better reason.

 

I just have a huge desire to see her.

 

What does closure look like to you? To me, it means closing or ending something. She did that. She ended things with you and has stuck to what she said. What is it you want?

The way she ended things was not mutual.

 

It's roughly equivalent to somebody breaking up with you over text or email and refusing to explain why or talk to you again.

 

Who would be OK with that?

 

So which are you more afraid of right now? Being alone or meeting a woman? Whatever you do now doesn't have to be forever. Right now, you are alone by your own choice. You choose to not meet women.

The two fears are, fear of being alone and fear of getting hurt.

 

Right now the fear of getting hurt is strongest and I don't want to get close to anybody. That also means that I have no desire in putting in any energy into meeting new women.

 

Eventually that fear should subside then I try to get meet women again. Of course I'll still be afraid of getting hurt so I'll be cautious. And there is a good chance that me being cautious could screw things up with a girl and the bloody cycle would repeat again.

You choose to be angry and write your angry thoughts here. You can choose differently in the future.

I am not choosing to be angry. I am not choosing to be stressed. I am not choosing being unable to sleep more than four hours straight; shall I go on?

You don't have to act on your emotions. Just accepting them for what they are is a big step towards finding more effective ways to change the causes of those feelings. Instead of planning out a confrontation with someone, just accept you are angry, afraid, upset. Feel the feelings. It's okay to not be okay.

No, it's not okay to not be okay. I am so not okay that I think of killing myself on a daily basis. Every night I go to sleep I hope I don't wake up.

 

Those thoughts profoundly affect everything I do in my life.

 

This is nothing to do with this girl. You know that. This is you suppressing, displacing and projecting your feelings. Anything to avoiding them. Being scared of being scared is half your problem. Work on that. There are offers to talk to someone face to face here. Try it. What have you got to lose?

This has everything to do with her.

 

If we could have dated like I wanted to, I would be in a much better place. And I'm sure she would be happy too because I know that she's a very solitary person. All she had to do was let go.

Edited March 9, 2012 by somedude81

[Teknoe]

It's roughly equivalent to somebody breaking up with you over text or email and refusing to explain why or talk to you again.

 

Who would be OK with that?

 

 

It happened to me.

 

Why do you think I have this weird emotional connection to you? I have been through what you are currently going through.

 

Tami cutting me out of her life in early 2009 hurt like HELL, man. It cut me deep.

 

But I got over it. I learned how to cope, and now I'm trying to help those who are going through what I did.

 

BTW, I sent Tami a $70 watch in the mail several months after we last spoke. Sound familiar?

 

She never responded.

 

I wasted 70 dollars.

 

And I was beyond embarrassed by my actions.

 

I know what you're going through, whether you want to believe it or not. I know what it feels like to be somedude81 because I was once very much like you.

[Teknoe]

If we could have dated like I wanted to, I would be in a much better place. And I'm sure she would be happy too because I know that she's a very solitary person. All she had to do was let go.

 

 

 

10 characters limit

[Teknoe]

BTW SD, you want to know what's a trip?

 

I never met Tami. She was this online girl friend I convinced myself was the closest thing I had to being a real girlfriend. AT LEAST YOU KNEW D IN REAL LIFE! I never even ever met Tami, yet I was uber obsessed with her.

 

We spoke everyday for 2-3 hours online for about 2 and a half months.

 

On Valentines 2009 I sent her four freaking cards through the mail. FOUR.

 

I was 25. She was 19. Not unlike how you were 30 and D 21. I too went for the younger girls because I knew I couldn't handle a girl my own age. I was still like a 19 year old in how I lived, so I went after younger girls who didn't know any better.

 

Trust me, you and I are a lot more alike than you want to admit.

 

Then, after the Tami depression, I found a solid support group in mid 2009. And that has changed everything for me the last 2+ years.

 

Don't stay isolated. Meet up with Meeks' friend. Get a support group around you!

[somedude81]

It happened to me.

 

Why do you think I have this weird emotional connection to you? I have been through what you are currently going through.

 

Tami cutting me out of her life in early 2009 hurt like HELL, man. It cut me deep.

 

But I got over it. I learned how to cope, and now I'm trying to help those who are going through what I did.

 

BTW, I sent Tami a $70 watch in the mail several months after we last spoke. Sound familiar?

 

She never responded.

 

I wasted 70 dollars.

 

And I was beyond embarrassed by my actions.

 

I know what you're going through, whether you want to believe it or not. I know what it feels like to be somedude81 because I was once very much like you.

 

 

Hmm I wasn't fully aware of your story.

 

Here's the thing Teknoe. When you were trying to recover, did you have somebody constantly trying to climb on your back and tell you what to do?

 

As much as it sucks to hear, you aren't helping me. More often than not, your posts frustrate me. Is that what you want to accomplish?

 

Now that I can see where you coming from I can understand what you are doing. But your approach is all wrong.

 

My suggestion, when you say that my story was similar to yours, post your story then give me a chance to ask questions. You need to let somebody come to you for advice on their terms. Don't try to stick your arm down their throat and jam the food in their stomach.

 

BTW, I sent Tami a $70 watch in the mail several months after we last spoke. Sound familiar?

No.

 

I've never spent any money on her. Never bought her anything. The most I did was give her an old game I didn't play anymore and burn her a DVD of a Ninja Turtles movie that I downloaded. Both were things I would have done for a guy friend.

 

Long ago I realized that spending money on or giving things to girl isn't going to get her to like me if she didn't already.

Edited March 9, 2012 by somedude81