somedude81 Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 (edited) We haven't dated, haven't had sex, haven't kissed, haven't heard her voice in three months and my feelings haven't changed. Almost every day I look through the pictures I have of her and I can feel the tears coming if I look at them for too long. I've gotten over a ton of girls, and usually I'm over a girl by now but it's different for her. Something deep inside doesn't want to get over her. I don't get it. I'm tired of the pain. I've never been in a relationship so I don't know what it's like to go through a break up with somebody you love, I can only assume that it's worse than what I feel. She was the closest I've ever had to a GF, even though it was still pretty far in reality but a GF is what I've wanted most in this world for over half my life. I really don't have any desire to chase after other girls and the rare times I gathered enough strength to do it, I got shot down, so I'm stuck pinning after her. Girls aren't exactly throwing themselves at me either. I don't know what to do, only that I want to see her again. Edited February 29, 2012 by somedude81
Nightsky Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Do you have some one you can speak to about this in person?
Author somedude81 Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 Do you have some one you can speak to about this in person? Nope. My parents are tired of me talking about it. When I was in therapy I talked about it plenty but nothing ever came of it.
Nightsky Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Nope. My parents are tired of me talking about it. When I was in therapy I talked about it plenty but nothing ever came of it. they didn't tell you anything, or help you think about it from a new angle?
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Been there friend. In some ways still there. They say time heals all wounds but I think whoever thought of that should find a new line of work.
cerridwen Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 As the thread title states, you don't want to get over her, so I'm taking this post as more a personal confession, rahter than a request for advice. Should the time come when you DO want to get over her, I recommend following the same steps others do: No looking at pictures, no trips down Memory Lane, no psychological flagellation for past mistakes. It takes mental discipline but it's effective. I hope sometime soon you feel motivated to move onto this phase. Any idea why you're wanting/needing to hold on? 5
jerbear Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 I'll add no mental flagellation for past mistakes as in redirect your energies toward something else. Many of what you are feeling is mental, you have the idea of being in love, an above "normal" love. You have to quit putting her on a pedestal and personifying the idea of love. There is not much you can do about feelings and it is not easy. Many of us have been there. Not everyone is the same. I still "see" an ex of one month and she invokes some deep feelings versus say another ex of one year didn't.
veggirl Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 3 months is not that long, considering how long you pined after her. Don't feel badly about that. Do you OLD? What aspects of your life lend themself to meeting other girls?
Nightsky Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Just try give yourself a reality check. Also in the future give yourself a reality check early. It's bad policy to fall in love with a girl you've never so much as kissed or had a date with. You know all this though. Like Veggirl just said 3 months isn't that long compared to the time you've had strong feelings for this girl.
Author somedude81 Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 they didn't tell you anything, or help you think about it from a new angle? Therapy was actually more about getting rid of negative thoughts. For some reason, they (male and female) never really wanted to talk about her and I remember one lady just making me feel bad for having feelings. Needless to say I didn't see her for long. Been there friend. In some ways still there. They say time heals all wounds but I think whoever thought of that should find a new line of work. I think time is only a small part of it. There is much more. As the thread title states, you don't want to get over her, so I'm taking this post as more a personal confession, rahter than a request for advice. Should the time come when you DO want to get over her, I recommend following the same steps others do: No looking at pictures, no trips down Memory Lane, no psychological flagellation for past mistakes. It takes mental discipline but it's effective. I hope sometime soon you feel motivated to move onto this phase. Any idea why you're wanting/needing to hold on? Why are you obsessed with yher? Because I feel there is nobody else. Yeah it's the whole, the one and soul mate BS that Hollywood and romance stories spew out. I'm also still holding out hope that I can somehow make it work, and yes I know how f-ing stupid I sound. And that just leads to self-hatred. But getting back do I want help or just to confess? I don't know. I just want to stop hurting. I'll add no mental flagellation for past mistakes as in redirect your energies toward something else. Many of what you are feeling is mental, you have the idea of being in love, an above "normal" love. You have to quit putting her on a pedestal and personifying the idea of love. There is not much you can do about feelings and it is not easy. Many of us have been there. Not everyone is the same. I still "see" an ex of one month and she invokes some deep feelings versus say another ex of one year didn't. I don't even know if it is love. My life has been nothing but one-sided affairs and that just doesn't feel like love. The most I'm willing to call it is a very strong infatuation, an obsession. I don't really get the pedestal thing. I know she has quite a few flaws and is far from perfect. But I'm able to overlook most of them. I try to focus my mind on other stuff, but when I have a second to stop and relax my mind, it focuses on her instantly. She's my default, and has been for a very long time. Just try give yourself a reality check. Also in the future give yourself a reality check early. It's bad policy to fall in love with a girl you've never so much as kissed or had a date with. You know all this though. We've had one official date, and about 10 unofficial ones, and that's not counting the dozes of times we got lunch together or all the time we spent talking before and after class. And no, it's not like I chose to fall for her. It would have been great if I was able to just be friend with her. If she was a guy, she would have been my best friends, but because she was a girl and how she looked, I was extremely attracted to her, plus there are all the natural feelings of wanting a GF and my own need for love that just made everything unavoidable. Like Veggirl just said 3 months isn't that long compared to the time you've had strong feelings for this girl. 3 months is not that long, considering how long you pined after her. Don't feel badly about that. I've been into her for almost two years but there were gaps in between. So still being into her three months of forced NC is normal? This is also the longest I've ever had feelings for a girl. Most crushes never go past the six month mark. Do you OLD? What aspects of your life lend themself to meeting other girls?No I don't. I've read too many horror stories of OLD to even consider it. I can't imagine why any girl on an OLD would date me. As for other aspects to meet girls, there aren't any. I'm not even taking a dance class this year, which is where I normally meet quite a few girls, not that anything ever came of it.... I just don't have the energy to pursue other girls. Nobody is as good as her, and if I do meet somebody who compares, she'd just reject me so why bother?
cerridwen Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 I just want to stop hurting. That requires work, SD; the work I mentioned. It requires that you let go and start working the Program. If you're not ready *shrug*, that's okay. If you want to hold on, that's up to you. But feeling better isn't magic. It's a process and it's the same one a lot of us followed to get over our heartaches.
Author somedude81 Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 Totally off-topic, of maybe it isn't? My anger is out of control. Trying to keep my mind off of her I played some video games, I kept dying on a boss because I couldn't see my character (game design flaw for that fight) and in a sudden spurt of anger, I completely destroyed my controller. Still angry, but a more calm anger, I took out the game disc and cut it into pieces; so I would never play it and feel the anger for it again. I really liked that game too I'm just trying to keep myself sane but it's so hard to find something I can focus on that isn't taxing or ends up pissing me off.
jerbear Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Sometimes you need an external event to break your obsession / infatuation. I have an idea what you mean. The woman that bought me to LS was similar to your situation. Started as classmates, became quick friends, close, went on a date, almost kissed, slept in the same bed, met the parents and yet we're "not friends". Fast forward a few months and years, we had a fall out because she went after me then choose someone else. I walked away from her and I found out she came after me; the problem was I moved on to bigger things, new job, advance degree, certification; life was better. In college, I was infatuated with a girl and like you I pursued, thought about her and pretty much did what you did. It was her wedding that made me wake up. Like I said earlier, there are some people that come into your life that leaves a deep connection, like you liking her and thinking about her, posting about her; while another person you'll forget about her within minutes if not days. I'm one of them who has someone like you described. My childhood sweetie; if she came back into my life, I would contemplate career, house, and dump the woman I'm with, even if I was dating the infatuation girl or the woman who bought me to LS. So I think it is something like that?
rickys Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 The main thing which is reminding you about her is her pictures. If you really wants to move on then don't look at the pictures at least.........
jerbear Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Totally off-topic, of maybe it isn't? My anger is out of control. Trying to keep my mind off of her I played some video games, I kept dying on a boss because I couldn't see my character (game design flaw for that fight) and in a sudden spurt of anger, I completely destroyed my controller. Still angry, but a more calm anger, I took out the game disc and cut it into pieces; so I would never play it and feel the anger for it again. I really liked that game too I'm just trying to keep myself sane but it's so hard to find something I can focus on that isn't taxing or ends up pissing me off. Ah! I did that too... this is a VERY good and BAD step forward. I played video games and my grades suffered. I destroyed things and my friends noticed. In time, the rage and being upset with her and the world will pass.
Author somedude81 Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 Ah! I did that too... this is a VERY good and BAD step forward. I played video games and my grades suffered. I destroyed things and my friends noticed. In time, the rage and being upset with her and the world will pass. Upset at the world. I didn't even mention that and it's exactly how I feel. Every night, lying awake trying to fall asleep, all I can think about is how I want the world to end. I also have thoughts about her that I don't want to share. My grades are suffering, but not because of video games, but because of the depression. Even if I didn't have a game to play, I'd spend all my time on my computer or lying in bed trying to make time go by. Video games is just one thing I can enjoy and it's a form of escapism. I saw the stories you posted and my experience does match a few of those. But one thing I don't think you've experienced, is that all my hopes and dreams for getting a GF and everything similar were pinned on her. I felt that if I could date her, I would be saved. Damn, there are so many reasons I wanted her, so many complicated issues. And all she had to do was say yes, then every thing would work itself out. At least, that's what I thought, since I was never given a chance to test that theory.
jerbear Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Upset at the world. I didn't even mention that and it's exactly how I feel. Every night, lying awake trying to fall asleep, all I can think about is how I want the world to end. I also have thoughts about her that I don't want to share. My grades are suffering, but not because of video games, but because of the depression. Even if I didn't have a game to play, I'd spend all my time on my computer or lying in bed trying to make time go by. Video games is just one thing I can enjoy and it's a form of escapism. I saw the stories you posted and my experience does match a few of those. But one thing I don't think you've experienced, is that all my hopes and dreams for getting a GF and everything similar were pinned on her. I felt that if I could date her, I would be saved. Damn, there are so many reasons I wanted her, so many complicated issues. And all she had to do was say yes, then every thing would work itself out. At least, that's what I thought, since I was never given a chance to test that theory.The depression led to video games. Playing video games help stimulate the brain's "winning" and feel good neuroreceptors. To be honest with you, I had similar feelings for the girl before college and another during college. For me it required a few things like video games, LONG vacations with friends where you DO NOT HAVE access to a computer, phone, or broadband for days. It also helped that my friends cared about me and gave me positive reinforcement to help nudge me over her. I was used by the infatuation/obsession girl but I did learned my lesson. I did not and never got a date with her, the one I was infatuated with. It was her marriage that knocked some sense in me. What I suggest is, go cold turkey and ignore her, surround yourself with positive people, change of scenery, cut back on the video games, go work out a little for those endorphins. If she cares, she'll understand and stay away from you for say 3 months. You'll have to do the same. After that time, you might outgrow her and your infatuation dies down. I would also suggest redirecting your passion toward something you've always wanted to do. Maybe horse back riding, painting, skiing, snow boarding, ice skating, calculus, you get the drift.
reallyhotguy Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 I don't have anything specific to add, since this particular issue is nuanced. But I will say that I think everyone's generally felt this way at one time or another. I know I've spent my own share of nights singing along to . Take care of yourself buddy
jerbear Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 I don't have anything specific to add, since this particular issue is nuanced. But I will say that I think everyone's generally felt this way at one time or another. I know I've spent my own share of nights singing along to . Take care of yourself buddy Nice! Back to the OP: I'll add Nine Inch Nails and Lords of Acid to the mix. It really helps you get the rage out fast. I've "whipped" myself into shape and graduated college. The job took over and met someone at work. I still "talk" to them once in awhile and when they visit. I'll just say, after graduation, you'll move on very fast. Graduate school was the same thing, I parted ways with her and focused, graduated grad school in 2 years versus three. Had no life :roll eyes: Got a job and moved out of state.
whichwayisup Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Almost every day I look through the pictures I have of her and I can feel the tears coming if I look at them for too long. I've gotten over a ton of girls, and usually I'm over a girl by now but it's different for her. Something deep inside doesn't want to get over her. I don't get it. I'm tired of the pain. Because you don't want to get over her, that's why you're still stuck in this cycle..Looking at pictures, thinking of her, missing her, fantasizing,,dreaming of her. If you truly are tired of the pain then just stop making things worse for yourself. STOP remembering. STOP looking at pictures. Box them up and put them away somewhere in your closet. DO NC in your head : Meaning every single time your mind drifts towards her, change your thought process. Call a friend, put on music, watch TV.. Do something that will get your mind off of her. You have much more control over this than you realize. You're pining over someone who isn't in your life anymore..And she's moved on, living life. Time for you to do the same! 1
xxoo Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 I just don't have the energy to pursue other girls. Nobody is as good as her, and if I do meet somebody who compares, she'd just reject me so why bother? No energy, and the hopelessness, both sound like depression. Thinking there is no one as good as her.....I don't know how to explain this convincingly, but any woman who returned your attraction and love would be better for you than her. Concrete step one: stop looking at the pictures. Burn them. If you can't bring yourself to do that, at least store them somewhere that you can't easily get to them.
veggirl Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 SD, do you have health insurance? You should be in therapy if you aren't. I think you should try OLD. Contact girls "in your league", isn't there even like a geek dating site? Just try it or send me your picture and info and I'll sign you up!
FitChick Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 If you keep pining for her, that is your way of still being attached, at least in your mind. It's a fantasy because you don't have her. You are afraid to date because you don't want to be hurt again. We all have been hurt but some of us are willing to risk pain over and over because we know what we want -- true love -- and won't give up until we get it or die trying.
Author somedude81 Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Honestly, I don't want to get over her unless I have somebody that I can replace her with. Yes it's all a big fantasy. I know I have to get over her eventually. I'm thinking of pulling out my trump card and if nothing comes out of that, I'll start to move on. The only reason I haven't used it yet is because it involves another person and I didn't want to get her involved but it seems the only way now.
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