sakura91 Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Hi all...please read! My boyfriend of 4 months (exactly on Sunday) broke up with me on Saturday night (it's now Tuesday night). Things had been less than perfect between us towards the end with more arguments than usual simply due to circumstances, but on the Saturday he came over to my house with a bag full of stuff so that he could stay over. We are both at the same uni but live in different places (20 minute bus journey away). Anyway, I jumped on him as soon as he walked in and asked questions about a picture of him from a night out the night before. After a while of explaining, he said 'actually I think I'll go home'. We talked for 4 hours and he said we should break up. He cried 3 times during this process and I have NEVER seen him cry. He also talked a lot about his feelings which he never did before. I was pretty stunned by the whole thing. He hadn't come over to break up with me but I had pushed him over the edge in one stupid simple move. (Of course he said it wasn't about the picture and forgave me for what I asked him about it). In short, he's not sure if he wants a relationship with anyone right now. He is in his first year at uni (I'm in my second) and he's been with me pretty much since he started. He does NOT even want to go near anyone else and said he couldn't for a long time. He's not a one night stand kind of guy or a going on the pull kind of guy and says he never wants to be. He just wants freedom and lack of responsibility. He says I'm an amazing person and he can't imagine his life without me- we've pretty much spent the last 4 months together and always speaking when we weren't together. So obviously he was feeling a little overwhelmed by the relationship. Sometimes he was hesitant about me staying over at his place but he'd never say no so I just stayed anyway- like he felt afraid to ask for space and it built up a resentment. I spoke to him about this the other day and he said I was spot on to think that. We agreed lack of communication was our main issue. However, even as early as Sunday, he was saying by text that he didn't know what we are going to do, i.e, he's not sure if he wants to get back together or not! It didn't feel like a decisive breakup as it took him 4 hours of talking to me before he left and the next day he was doubting himself. We agreed we don't want to cut each other out and want to keep as many things the same as possible within reason (so why even break up??). I saw him on Monday night and wasn't emotional. I explained that I knew why he'd become overwhelmed by things and wanted out and I knew what mistakes I'd made in the relationship, and where he had made things difficult. We talked for an hour and he said it had really helped. He gave me back some of my things I'd left at his but he still has MANY pictures of me up around his room, some of them amongst pictures with his other friends. He says he needs some time to decide things and 'see what the grass is like on this side' but said that he's not forgetting about me and pointed out his constant reminders of me around his room (even above his desk and bed). We exchanged a lot of smiles and hugs. He said he's happy to keep talking and to meet up occasionally whilst he makes his decision but we are very much hands-off. My friends are telling me to totally cut off contact with him to make him miss me and to give him time. Of course that would normally be the right thing to do regardless. However, I find that the more time I spend without him the easier it is to spend time without him...and I'm worried it will be the same for him and gradually he'll forget about me and enjoy his new life without me. Also I'm going to find myself on campus (where he lives) several days a week and I can't imagine how hard it's going to be to be there and not going to see him! I'm also worried he's going to be comparing our past relationship to his current time single, but genuinely, the break up has been a catalyst for change. I really believe we needed to break up for me to be able to admit and face the issues that we had. Basically it was too intense and we spent too much time together just doing nothing and wasting time because it became comfortable. I would genuinely be happy to see him far less often in our new relationship and not just because he would like that. I feel like if I'm not talking things through with him, he won't know what our new relationship could be like, he'll just assume that nothing will change. But he says "I'll let you know when I want to talk" and that he's happy to spend time but has nothing new to say yet. Typing this out actually makes things seem kind of obvious but I'm still not sure. Is it better to go no contact, low contact, hang out with him without talking about things and just have fun, or push for him to make a decision?
Philosoraptor Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 This didn't come out of nowhere. Hopefully he was honest about not jumping into anything and taking time to himself (hopefully to heal), but he was unhappy with enough to have it be able to go "over the edge". Will it hurt you to see him and continue contact with him even if his feelings for you are not the same? Will it hurt you to hear him talk about his future partner if he does jump into something? If so, then avoid the pain and work on yourself. Do not make contact if it will continue to bring pain to you.
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