whatamidoing27 Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Let me first say that I am so terribly stressed about this situation I've gotten myself into and I realize that a lot of it was caused by my own issues/need for attention, please HELP. First off, I got out of a 3 year relationship 4-5 months ago, I'm only 22 (by a few weeks) so I spent my entire adult life in a relationship and have never "dated" until recently. That relationship ended well and I've been over it, gone through a rebound thing and started dating more seriously. There are two guys, I'll call them John and Tom. I've known John for 3+ years but we were never close at all until recently, just facebook friends, etc. He lives four hours away, we talk constantly and have grown very close over the past few months. He's an amazing person, everything I want in a guy from far away. Granted, we've only spent a few hours alone together (New Years eve I happened to be in his city). There has never been any intimacy whatsoever. I met "Tom" through a friend in the beginning of January and went on a date with him just for practice, I wasn't that interested. We had an AMAZING time. And still do every time we hang out (we hang out a lot, have been intimate). But this guy never talks to me besides to make plans, has only complimented me a few times, just generally acts far less interested than the other. This, of course, is from my young and immature view of interest being shown by lots of compliments/contact/attention, which I get from John. Problem is that "Tom," keeps introducing me to people as his girlfriend and I'm guessing that for the past few weeks he has taken this as an exclusive relationship. I've been exclusive physically, but still talk to "John" every day. Tom and I never talked about the future, never talked about if we were dating other people, he essentially has never even asked me anything about myself past surface details (STILL!). Welp, John is supposed to come visit this weekend. I want him to because I want to better find out if my feelings for him translate well in person but; I also don't want to ruin things with Tom because I like him quite a bit and am still trying to feel out where he stands on me. So I just don't know what I'm morally obligated to do right now. Do I say to Tom, "hey you introduced me as your girlfriend a few times but that's not what I want right now"? Do I even need to tell him that the other guy is visiting? Honestly I feel like I'm trying to (selfishly) hold on to both of them until I hang out with John and pick which one I'd like to be in a relationship with. The problem is coming from my apparently having jumped the gun on a maybe-relationship with Tom, which will probably be down the toilet if he finds out about John. John knows about Tom, FYI, and has been beyond understanding. What do I do?!
veggirl Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Why did you ever let Tom start introducing you as his girlfriend? Just tell him "i notice you've been referring to me as your gf. I don't consider us to be in a relationship" when he questions why you can point out how you guys don't have those deeper talks etc and just tell him you aren't ready for a relationship yet, which you aren't.
Author whatamidoing27 Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 I obviously didn't want to call him out on it then and there and then I started to think "okay, maybe it was just a slip of words," but then he kept doing it. Just going to have to talk to him about it next time we see each other.
veggirl Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Yeah as soon as you were out of the social situation when he used "girlfriend" the first time, you should've said something. Do it asap. Who starts randomly referring to someone else as their gf without clarifying? Weird!
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