LSgirl Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Broke up yesterday and he sent me this via email, im miserable... I keep writing this response over and over. Everytime it's gets blamey and lame or I just don't send it. I don't want to hurt you. I didn't want my old stuff looming over our heads either. We got together because we didn't want to be alone. I admit I was only coasting, enjoying what we had and taking it for what it was. I'm sorry I couldn't imagine the long haul together and love itself still scares me. When I say something like that it means life. Maybe I hold love on a pedestal commonly reserved for marriage. Love for me means life, kids, future planning and the honor and obligations of commitment. All of those things are not on my drawing board right now. I'm worn out on that stuff. What happens when you make all these goals and life changes for something that can just disappear in an instant? Why make myself vulnerable again or put someone else in a position like that? Plus I have a real general apathy for those who use love so lightly and twist and manipulate others with it. I'm not accusing you of any of that and believe you are genuine when you say these things. Me, I just may not be ready for all of that. It's very intimidating when confronted and I've harden that part of me so I may complete the life goals I have before I'm ready. Who knows, I always thought most people get one earnest shot at love and after that its like chasing the dragon. Always striving but never as good as the first time. Over and over these people confide lost loves to me and seem to carry a depressing chip on their shoulder about something they lost or would rather have. I prefer to classify myself outside of this cast but hey even I can get caught up randomly. Tripping last week out of no where I found myself streaming again out of an eye. Some stupid song struck a cord with me and there I was hurt by the very fact that I was abandoned without any concern for what I changed my whole life for. The moment passed and I shrugged it off with a smile thinking how stupid that was. So, that lets you know where I stand. I have my interest first in my life now. I love spending time with you but thats where it stops. I wont let myself change my whole life around someone else nor let you do the same. Here this moment now is all I care about these days as I slowly climb the hill to my goals. I never ask for advice but again I shared our situation with Matt as I got that disconcerning email about how you thought I was just stringing you along and still hadn't gotten over my ex. Matt believes your biological clock is ticking and I shouldn't be wasting your time, that I didn't feel the same way you do and its not fair to you, that you deserve to have that knight in shinning armor that can do everything you want, that it was better for me to let you go and this was not fair to you. It hurts me too and I've never had a hard time doing what I thought was right until now. I feel I can't fulfill your needs the way you want me too. When cornered I act out, escape, general defense stuff. This doesn't excuse me, I just don't want more damage later. Your mother and fathers situation kind of sits over me like a omen. I'm afraid of a situation like that where kids became separated because the parents were never fully involved or uncomfortable in a foreign situation. Maybe thats a wrong take. I also have fears of possibly living together and arguing all the time. You are more hot headed than me and I get in trbl all the time. With these kind of fears, mounting pressure just pushes me away. Relationships should be effortless, a harmony, well when it can be. I feel terrible when you corner me and I can't react without feeling pressured to do so. I promise I've put in my best effort to make you happy and my entire agenda has only been fun with relaxation in mind. This is a small explanation of the truth you want from me. You deserve more, and what you desire most. If can't do that for you now I know there's an entire line of men behind me willing to take my place. Maybe someone else can do better, idk tho I is pretty funny and sometimes witty, and I got the CLAW. But it may be better this way for you, my interest are a distant second but my first interest is your happiness :*
Philosoraptor Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Sounds like he didn't see a future with you and would rather let go so you both could find someone you're more compatible with. He's obviously hurting too and doesn't seem to want to hurt you either, as you can see from his need to over explain everything. Seems like he doesn't want to leave any room for you to hang on, like he truly wants to let go and start fresh.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Exactly how stoned was the guy when he was writing that crap? That e-mail/letter should BE the reason you turn and run from him! 1
Author LSgirl Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 I think the email was very self-centered and blamed me for things, even random things like my parents being divorced and finding any excuse for me to let go. I never responded to the e-mail but I am very much still hurt. He emailed me last night again saying "lol guess we aint Facebook friends, I had to check my computer to make sure I read this right" He thinks I deleted him from Facebook but I only temporarily deactivated it. I didn't bother to reply to tell him that since it's none of his business. I still re-read that letter over and over, it's only been Day 2 of NC so I still have a long way to go
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