Fiance's friend

[Thornton]

My fiance's female friend quite obviously dislikes me. She never speaks to me even when we're in a group, and if I speak to her she either pretends not to hear or turns away and gives a one word answer. If she walks past me she looks away to avoid making eye contact.

 

She's in a LTR and has a child, so I don't think she's jealous, although I can't be sure. But I'm not imagining her being rude to me. She isn't saying anything TO me exactly - the problem is that she says NOTHING and totally blanks me! I've never been rude to her; she's been like this ever since I've known her.

 

I complained about her behavior to my fiance, who had a word with her. She told him she doesn't want to upset me, or damage our relationship, or make me feel threatened or jealous of their friendship, so she just avoids interacting with me. This doesn't make sense for the following reasons:

 

1) It's incredibly rude to ignore someone - so much for not wanting to upset me!

 

2) She needs to buy a new mirror if she thinks there's any way in hell I would ever feel threatened by HER! (sorry, but she's not exactly a catch)

 

3) My fiance has other female friends who are much more beautiful and eligible - if I was going to feel jealous or threatened by someone, I'd feel threatened by them! But none of them feel the need to ignore me or be rude to me.

 

I can only conclude that something else is going on, but I don't know what exactly. I've told my fiance that he needs to back off from the friendship if she's going to continue being rude to his fiancee, but he says she's been a good and supportive friend through some bad events in his life and he can't just ditch her.

 

So what do I do?

[darkmoon]

grin and bear it because you will both end up with ppl like her, ignorant obnoxious, now and again over your shared lifetime, dealing with her by playing it cool can only make you look good

 

she sounds toxic so stand well back

[MissBee]

Her behavior is rude and uncalled for and your fiance should INSIST that she treats you respectfully. If she doesn't like your or doesn't want to make you jealous, which sounds insane, then that's her business....but as your fiance, he should not tolerate his so called friend being rude to you. I'd never allow it. None of my friends would do that anyway, but if they did, I'd insist that they treat my fiance with respect, especially if he is nothing but respectful to them. If they decide not to, then can I really call them a friend? I'd think they didn't care about me or my relationship and I'd distance myself.

 

I don't think your fiance needs to drop her necessarily, but to me, he should be more concerned about her behavior towards you and more adamant that she be respectful as you will be his wife and will be around. If you are planning on marrying someone, then that relationship should take primacy. They will be the person you sleep with at nights, have kids with and who will be there all the time....you should therefore do all it takes to make that person feel loved and respected and if you have other relationships that threaten that...especially for ridiculous reasons...you need to nip it in the bud. The fact that it makes you uncomfortable and suspicious is already a big problem that should not have happened. It should not seem like he is taking sides with her or that something else is going on. You need to be honest with him, as you are here and discuss how it makes you feel.

 

No one wants to have to choose between their lover and their friend...but a real friend won't treat your fiance like that, unless of course you are dating some horrible person so they dislike them for that reason. Your real friend would try to get on with your fiance for your friendship's sake and would never want to make it so that you have to choose them or your fiance. Your fiance should also be willing to take your feelings seriously and come to a solution that insists that you are treated in a better way versus the attitude of suck it up, it's my friend, too bad. The latter response already sets the stage for you to build up resentment and suspicion of the friendship...which again IMO should NEVER be the case. Your lover's friends of the opposite sex who care about their friend should always try to be cordial and transparent to their friend's partner, especially their fiance, so that you feel comfortable, not what this woman says, which is ridiculous, about ignoring you so you aren't jealous...wtf...and your lover should never tolerate a situation that seems to value that bond over yours where he seems to be siding with her and not you...you're gonna be his wife for God sake! He needs to rearrange his priorities. I could see if you were being crazy, jealous and unreasonable for no reason, but in this case it is warranted.

Edited February 29, 2012 by MissBee

[CC12]

While you've never been rude to her, you still think things like:

 

2) She needs to buy a new mirror if she thinks there's any way in hell I would ever feel threatened by HER! (sorry, but she's not exactly a catch)

 

3) My fiance has other female friends who are much more beautiful and eligible - if I was going to feel jealous or threatened by someone, I'd feel threatened by them!

 

So maybe she senses (or has proof) that you have a very low opinion of her already?

 

I mean, if someone thought this way about me, I wouldn't give them the time of day, either. And don't just say, "Yeah, but she doesn't KNOW that I feel that way about her." Maybe she does know. After all, your fiance considers her a good friend and support. It's not ridiculous to assume that he confided in her about some stuff.

 

And let's be realistic here, when we confide in others about our relationship, we usually only talk about the bad things, because that's what we need to vent about. This has the negative consequence of your friends forming a bad opinion of your significant other. So maybe she does hate you and she deals with it by not acknowledging you at all. There are worse things she can do.

 

My point is don't let this become a sticking point in your relationship if he's trying to deal with it the best he can. I don't think she's done anything terrible enough for you to ask him to stop being friends with her.

[standtall]

Thornton,

 

It is obvious that she is jealous of you and knows that you will displace her in her friendship with your fiancee at the minimum. That is life and she has to deal with it in her own way. You have to make this clear to your soon to be husband. However, there is no room for this kind of cattyness on your part.

 

 

 

 

 

2) She needs to buy a new mirror if she thinks there's any way in hell I would ever feel threatened by HER! (sorry, but she's not exactly a catch)

 

 

If that is the way you feel, then I'm sure she is picking up on it. Be the bigger person, and welcome her as a friend.

[whichwayisup]

Standtall is right, the female friend is jealous and probably has some feelings for your fiancee. This isn't really about you, it's about her and worrying that she will be forgotten about and left behind once he marries you.

 

I think you should be nice about it and talk to her, be the better person and ask her outright why she's being rude since you haven't done anything wrong. Tell her that you want her to be a friend to both of you, not just him. If she still is bitchy then talk to your future hubby and let him know that maybe distancing yourselves from her might be best. Having a friend who is only interested in one party of the marriage isn't good. She will try to poison things between you two and be dramatic.

[The Blue Knight]

My fiance's female friend quite obviously dislikes me. She never speaks to me even when we're in a group, and if I speak to her she either pretends not to hear or turns away and gives a one word answer. If she walks past me she looks away to avoid making eye contact.

 

She's in a LTR and has a child, so I don't think she's jealous, although I can't be sure. But I'm not imagining her being rude to me. She isn't saying anything TO me exactly - the problem is that she says NOTHING and totally blanks me! I've never been rude to her; she's been like this ever since I've known her.

 

I complained about her behavior to my fiance, who had a word with her. She told him she doesn't want to upset me, or damage our relationship, or make me feel threatened or jealous of their friendship, so she just avoids interacting with me. This doesn't make sense for the following reasons:

 

1) It's incredibly rude to ignore someone - so much for not wanting to upset me!

 

2) She needs to buy a new mirror if she thinks there's any way in hell I would ever feel threatened by HER! (sorry, but she's not exactly a catch)

 

3) My fiance has other female friends who are much more beautiful and eligible - if I was going to feel jealous or threatened by someone, I'd feel threatened by them! But none of them feel the need to ignore me or be rude to me.

 

I can only conclude that something else is going on, but I don't know what exactly. I've told my fiance that he needs to back off from the friendship if she's going to continue being rude to his fiancee, but he says she's been a good and supportive friend through some bad events in his life and he can't just ditch her.

 

So what do I do?

Females have some weird inner things going on that nobody will ever figure out. Least of all, another man (me). Just move forward and let it be. Otherwise you stand to make her a martyr if you push your fiance to stop seeing her as a friend and that could just backfire and cause resentment down the road. Eventually she may cross the line with your fiance and say the wrong things about you which will change the rules of the game. If you're safe and secure in who you are and she's not, who really cares what her issues are?

[Thornton]

So maybe she senses (or has proof) that you have a very low opinion of her already? I mean, if someone thought this way about me, I wouldn't give them the time of day, either.

 

Yeah, I'll openly admit that I dislike her and I think she's a b****. But the key point is, I didn't think like this in the beginning and was actually friendly towards her, then puzzled as to why she was so rude to me. As years have passed I've gradually become resentful of her because of the nasty way in which she behaves towards me, and by this point I genuinely dislike her.

 

My original point was that she's not attractive, nor is she eligible as she has a husband and child, but she's still supposedly worried about making me jealous - even though my fiance has other female friends who are single and much more attractive, and they're friendly towards me and don't worry about making me jealous! So I think what she said is a total lie and she just doesn't want to be friends with me. Maybe she's the one who's jealous - of my relationship with my fiance?

 

I don't think any friendship between us is saveable because of the long period over which she's disrespected me. I mostly just want her to disappear from our lives and stop making me feel uncomfortable. It sounds awful, but in a small way I'd actually relish my fiance ditching her friendship because of how she treats me - it would serve her right for being nasty.

 

Tbh I don't care if she doesn't like me; she isn't a nice person. What upsets me most is that she obviously hates me through absolutely no fault of my own and yet my fiance is still being friends with her. I think he should tell her that it's inappropriate for her to be rude to his future wife and she either has to be nice to me or they can't be friends. When he says she's been a good friend to him and he can't just ditch her, that makes me feel like I'm a lower priority and he's willing to tolerate someone being in his life and making me feel bad.

[CC12]

When he says she's been a good friend to him and he can't just ditch her, that makes me feel like I'm a lower priority and he's willing to tolerate someone being in his life and making me feel bad.

 

I totally get this, and I mostly agree. You don't like her and she doesn't like you. But is that reason enough for your boyfriend to sever their friendship? If she were being openly hostile, I'd definitely think that your boyfriend should talk to her about it or not even be friends with her.

 

I don't know. It's a weird situation. I think if I were in your shoes, I'd just consider her that weird friend that everyone seems to have and try to not pay her much mind. It's easy to ignore weird people like that.

 

But that's assuming your boyfriend doesn't have a close relationship with her and she's just someone who turns up at social functions, which is what it sounds like. If that's incorrect and he's close to her and actually has an active friendship with her, then yeah, he shouldn't have good friends that can't even exchange (fake) pleasantries with you.

 

How close are they?

[Thornton]

How close are they?

 

She turns up to group social events, but they also text constantly and occasionally go out somewhere by themselves (maybe once every couple of months). So I'd say she's a fairly close friend who he's in contact with most days (more so than any other friend), which is why her hostility towards me makes me so uncomfortable.

 

When we started dating she told him to be careful and not get too involved with me - I never found out why this was said. When he said he was going to propose she told him it was a bad idea. She drums into his head that I'm jealous of their friendship, texting him things like "You should book seats at a different table at the birthday party - it won't go down well with HER if you're cosied up in a corner with me, lol". This annoyed me because 1) He's not likely to "cosy up" to her, especially not when I'm in the room, 2) Her tone is disrespectful towards me, and 3) She's telling him I'd be jealous of him sitting at the same table as her, when I wouldn't be, although I'd expect to be at the same table too! On the evening in question we did in fact sit at a different table in the restaurant, and some of his other female friends sat at our table and chatted to me politely without being worried that I'd think they were "cosying up" to my fiance!

[CC12]

When we started dating she told him to be careful and not get too involved with me - I never found out why this was said. When he said he was going to propose she told him it was a bad idea. She drums into his head that I'm jealous of their friendship, texting him things like "You should book seats at a different table at the birthday party - it won't go down well with HER if you're cosied up in a corner with me, lol".

 

Okay, then she is being openly hostile to you, although not to your face. Yeah, she's being inappropriate and he should put a stop to it. She's not a good friend.

 

(And this is coming from someone who was trying to give them both the benefit of the doubt. I was wrong.)

[standtall]

Thornton,

 

Maybe she's the one who's jealous - of my relationship with my fiance?

 

 

I said originally

It is obvious that she is jealous of you and knows that you will displace her in her friendship with your fiancee at the minimum.

 

I also mentioned

Be the bigger person, and welcome her as a friend.

but you said this later

 

I don't think any friendship between us is saveable because of the long period over which she's disrespected me. I mostly just want her to disappear from our lives and stop making me feel uncomfortable. It sounds awful, but in a small way I'd actually relish my fiance ditching her friendship because of how she treats me - it would serve her right for being nasty.

 

I know who is showing nasty behavior, and it isn't her. I feel sorry for your fiancee for you putting him in this situation. If you value your relationship with him, maybe you should consider giving him a graceful exit out of this situation.

Edited March 1, 2012 by standtall

[Thornton]

I also mentioned

Be the bigger person, and welcome her as a friend.

 

but you said this later

I don't think any friendship between us is saveable because of the long period over which she's disrespected me.

 

With all due respect, I don't see how I can be friends with a woman who is hostile to me in person and undermines my relationship behind my back.

 

*I've tried to speak to her on numerous occasions and she acts dismissively and turns away.

 

*She avoids making eye contact with me, and even turns her back on me to avoid doing so.

 

*I've bought her drinks on a night out on more than one occasion, but she has never reciprocated or even thanked me.

 

*She tells my fiance he should lie to me and not say when he's hung out with her (of course he doesn't lie to me, but the problem is that she's encouraging him to).

 

*She jokes that people will think they're having an affair because they've gone to the cinema together or something. She says this a lot, to the extent that it makes me uncomfortable.

 

*She tells him I'm trying to hold him back and stop him from having friends, which is ridiculous - I get on really well with all of his other friends (male and female), I just feel uncomfortable with any "friend" who's trying to undermine our relationship!

 

*She encourages him to do things that aren't in the best interests of our relationship. For example, he was offered a Saturday job giving golf tuition but we discussed it and decided TOGETHER that giving up every Saturday would be too much of a strain on our relationship. She then told him I was a selfish b*** and he should do whatever he wants, and if it ends the relationship that's just tough.

 

*She told him not to propose to me because she thinks I'm not good enough for him.

 

*She also told him the only reason I want to marry him is because I want a nice piece of jewelry.

 

*She says hostile things behind my back - she ignores me to my face but then texts my fiance negative things about me. I was sitting beside him and saw some of the awful things she typed about me on Facebook chat.

 

She ignored all of my early attempts at friendship and instead was hostile and tried to undermine my relationship. Telling my fiance he shouldn't marry me because I'm only using him for money and jewelry is a step too far imo. So yeah, at this point I no longer have any desire to try to be her friend. I mostly just want her to go away and stop trying to ruin my relationship.

[whichwayisup]

This makes me think that something happened between them in the past, or something is happening now (not sexual, but emotional). It doesn't matter that she has a husband and a child, she's INTERFERRING and has been interferring in your life for a long time now. Your fiancee needs to back off of her, stop texting daily with her and put you first.

 

Tell him all this stuff and ask him why she didn't want you two getting married, let alone saying seat you two a different tables..wtf is that? And, how did you find out about that? Did your fiancee tell you? If he did, then HE is enjoying this little bitch-fest that is going on. You aren't imaginging things either. He has to put you first now. She has her own life with her husband and child and soon you two will have your own marriage, starting a new life together so this woman needs to not be in his daily life and involved.

[whichwayisup]

*She says hostile things behind my back - she ignores me to my face but then texts my fiance negative things about me. I was sitting beside him and saw some of the awful things she typed about me on Facebook chat.

And what does he do? Nothing! Why is he allowing her to say stuff like that to him and not tell her to stop or F off??

 

Something is very wrong here. The more I read, the more I think there is a red flag and you shouldn't ignore it.

 

Talk to your fiancee. Friend of his or not, she should not be allowed to come to the wedding as she is NOT a friend to you, or your future marriage. She is obviously against it and continually tries to poison him against you. That's just wrong! And again, you need to find out why he is protecting her, still talking to her, seeing her, texting her.

 

If some male friend of mine was saying stuff like this to me about my husband, that male friend would not be in my life at all, no texts, and he'd be deleted off my facebook.

 

What does your husband say to her when she says that stuff to him on facebook? Does he tell her to be quiet? Get angry at her? Or does he say nothing?? WTF. I'm mad at him for you. You need to talk to him because he's making things worse.

[maybealone]

Wow, this woman has A LOT of free time on her hands for someone with a husband and a child. I hope she devotes as much energy to them as she does to your fiance.

 

Like some others here, I am interested in what your fiance says to you regarding the things his friend says about you.

[standtall]

Thornton, thanks for clarifying here. This statement to me is very significant

 

 

 

*She says hostile things behind my back - she ignores me to my face but then texts my fiance negative things about me. I was sitting beside him and saw some of the awful things she typed about me on Facebook chat.

 

because it shows your fiancee is involved and not totally the victim. What did he tell her about her comments about you? I'm with alice on this one, at the minimum if he did nothing, then he is giving implicit permission to carry on.

[Lauriebell82]

It's problematic that your fiance is letting her get away with talking to you this way. You can't control whether or not she likes you, obviously you don't like her either. That won't change. But you need to tell your fiance to "man up" and ask his friend not to directly say mean things about you to him. That's innapropriate and uncalled for.

[whichwayisup]

Thornton, thanks for clarifying here. This statement to me is very significant

 

 

because it shows your fiancee is involved and not totally the victim. What did he tell her about her comments about you? I'm with alice on this one, at the minimum if he did nothing, then he is giving implicit permission to carry on.

 

Exactly. He is a sitting duck doing nothing. I actually would go back and read the whole conversation and see if he defended you at all..

 

It's problematic that your fiance is letting her get away with talking to you this way. You can't control whether or not she likes you, obviously you don't like her either. That won't change. But you need to tell your fiance to "man up" and ask his friend not to directly say mean things about you to him. That's innapropriate and uncalled for.

 

Yep, this has to be dealt with and I'm telling you, even if she does it as a joke I can see this woman causing crap at your wedding, especially during the vows and if that question is asked 'any reason for these two not to get married' even if she says nothing, thoughts will drift towards here, you'll wonder if she is going to say a word and ON YOUR WEDDING day she should not be a focus, a thought or a guest! Make this clear to your husband since she talks behind your back and is trying to cause crap. She is not a friend at all.

 

Sorry I ranted a bit on your thread lol..

[Almond_Joy]

If there's anyone you should be angry with, it's your fiancee.

 

If I proceeded to make offensive, derogatory comments about your STBH, you would probably jump to his defense. That's what you do when you RESPECT someone. Can you really love someone you don't respect? I don't think so.

 

I perceive your fiancee's silence as a total absence of respect for you as a person. If he is constantly listening to someone badmouth you and never feels even a twinge of anger or offense on your behalf....something is VERY wrong.

 

And wth are those two doing together that they text each other EVERY DAY? I'm sorry, that's way too close for comfort. If they're that inseparable they should marry each other.

 

I strongly recommend an ultimatum. This behavior is unacceptable, and you are a saint for enduring it this long, if all circumstances are as you say. If your fiancee doesn't deem it important to put a stop to this, then I honestly don't understand why you two would get married.