FreshMoody Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 Here's whats up and advice is highly appreciated. I was together with this girl for two months. Then we got into a long distance relationship and that was too difficult for her at that time, due to mixed feelings and the distance. And she broke it off and even though I didn't want to at first, I respected her decision. In a month she started seeing someone else and they got serious for 3 months. After this they broke up, because he left abroad for a year and didn't want to be in a relationship, I think. In the meantime, I've been in no contact with her and stayed away from her, focussing on my own life, doing my thing. I'm not shy with women and get enough attention, but it was never really it for me. She contacted me a few times in the meantime, but I ignored her or kept it short. After more than 5 months of not really talking, she confronted me on it and we started having contact again which was nice, but I felt like she was trying to use me or something and went into NC again. Now two months later, we are on good terms again and talked everything out. She told me that she was acting indifferent, because she broke up with a guy 4 months ago. She had difficulties dealing with it, but is now over it. She kept the details vague and I didn't ask, because I don't want to be her 'buddy'. We are still in long distance, but will meet up soon in London where she temporarily lives and works. I might want to get her back, because I miss her. Think I have a shot and how should I do this? Thanks for the advice
salparadise Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 (edited) I think you need to figure out whether she's really wanting to get back with you or just feeling lonely and needing some attention. If you were into her and she broke it off because of distance, then you must realize that there is a chance she'll do the same again. Don't let her take your emotions on a roller coaster just because she's ready to feel secure for the moment. I'd take it slow, be wary, let her come to you and don't be a schmuck. Edited February 28, 2012 by salparadise
Author FreshMoody Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Thanks for you reply. I get what you mean and I'm still sceptical about things. We are having normal contact again and it's nice. I realize that I need to take it slow and need her to come to me instead of being needy and constantly starting contact. However, I want to avoid getting into the 'friends zone' and instead want her to fall for me again
Jon10 Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Hi Fresh, Read your story and I'm in pretty much the same situation as you. Started a LDR pretty quickly after meeting a girl from England in my home town which last about five months. She ended things after finding the distance to be too much and not having me around enough. Also coupled with the fact that she started having feelings for another guy close by so there was very little I could do....its like having both hands tied behind your back because of the different countries. I live in Ireland. The hurt and anger meant I had to go no contact for about 7 months. I broke no contact this January aftering hearing from a mutual friend that her and the other guy didnt last very long. We just did some light catching up text and I left it at that. My work/job now means that im about London quite a bit with my cousin and she is also aware of this. Its very tough to gauge someones feelings after time has passed, other people have been involved since the break-up, the distance....its a bit of a mountain to climb...at least thats how im feeling it still should I want to proceed in reconnecting with her...how about you?
Author FreshMoody Posted March 2, 2012 Author Posted March 2, 2012 Hey Jon, It's a tough position to be in and there's not much we can do I think. In the no contact period it was always her that initiated contact and that started a month or two after her and her new boyfriend broke up. She at first got really angry at me for not talking with her and acting distant, blaming me for everything basically. After that we started having normal contact and almost daily, kind of flirtatious from time to time. But after a week or two it became less and eventually cold. And we were supposed to meet up somewhere in between our cities, but eventually she couldn't for some reason. After that I just went no contact again, didn't feel like playing these games with her. But recently we had contact again in which we got really angry with each other and where we finally really talked it out. Now the sky is cleared between us in a way, we said our things to each other and we will see each other. I just don't know what to expect yet, I guess you won't truely know until you see each other again and just be yourself. In the meantime try not to act needy and have her come to you for contact and just be how you were before with her. So my advice to you is, try to reconnect with her but stay aware that things might not be as you think it is or want it to be. Have her come to you, don't act needy
Jon10 Posted March 2, 2012 Posted March 2, 2012 Hi Fresh, You have the opportunity to see here face to face since at least she will be in the same area. How long was the distance? The thing about not acting needy is a strange one I find in these situations because you almost have to reach out in order to get the ball rolling or put some effort in if you want things to happen but I know what you mean "damned if you do and damned if you don't". Its not like we will run into each other in the same town even though she has family/cousins in my home town but it hasn't happened yet. I've heard people say in a LDR situation and a lot of months have passed then the only way to approach reconnection is to come straight out with your intentions and tell the person that you think you both had something good and would like to start afresh now that circumstances have changed. Then other people say to use light communication sparingly and gradual reconnection so as not to pressurize the person your trying to contact...I mean this all in a LDR context. The biggest problem for me was that she became needy...she told me herself at the end. I don't blame her for that and I'm sure it was the same for your girl. From advice i've read thats a main reason LDR's fail is because one person will always be more needy than the other. I was managing ok with the situation but certainly wanted to have future plans made of some sort. She always told me she needed physical contact and alerted me to occassions when I couldn't be there with her. Another big problem is if you don't have future concrete plans in place with no foreseeable future together in place then one or both in the relationship will just see it failing anyway. Fresh I think your situation is looking more promising than mine as you've had her initiate contact even though my ex seemed very happy to hear from me and quizzed me on things about my life....I do reckon the whole power game is involved with LD ex's which to me personally is silly. I think you have a chance in there to get things going again. It's my ex's birthday on Monday and I may send her a text. Reason being she travelled to spend her birthday with me last year and I made it pretty special for her...well thats what she told me. Would that be too needy of me to do so? It's not like i've been drunk calling/texting her for the last 8 months.
brokenheart88 Posted March 3, 2012 Posted March 3, 2012 i know exactly where your coming from. me and my ex broke up last summer. we met in college and we always had feelings but things didnt get a chance to work so we stayed as friends (sorta) . finally when we started to talk again we admitted we both had feelings for each other for 5 years. unfortunately he lives in upstate NY and i live in NYC (6hours away) we dated on and off basically all of last year. and he finally broke up with me for the last time because of the distance. with soo many other complications we decided to stay friends. he randomly texts me and flirts with me like crazy. He also know that me and my friends are planning to move around there in a couple months are soo but i dont know whats going on or what the deal is. what i could say it go with caution. you need to understand what her intentions are. does she want you back cause she realized what happened or is it because she feels alone? and is this something you 2 can really work out and make something wonderful out of it? please keep me updated, its nice to know someone understands where im coming from lol
jennyjoseph713 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 My girlfriend of 5 and half years broke up with me two weeks ago after we had a fight. She says that she just can't do it anymore and that she can't see herself getting married to me so what's the point The thing that hurts most is how sudden a change it was. I thought we were very happy just a week before. In fact, just a few days before the fight, we were listening to the radio and telling each other which songs we would have at our wedding. During the first week after the break up, I did many of the common mistakes which others have spoken about on this site (ie. Calling, begging, telling her I'll wait for her) but finally decided to pull myself together on saturday and called her to tell her that I would give her all the space and time she needs and started no contact from there. I figured I'd give her a month of NC, and then give her a call to see how she is going and take it from there. My question is what are the realistic chances of getting back together? This is our first break and I love her dearly. I used to think that our relationship would survive anything but the harsh reality of life is starting to set in now. I have spoken to my friends and they tell me that it is normal for couples in long term relationships to have a break. So now I'm just feeling really confused. Should I just try to write off the relationship in my mind or hang on in there for the one month of NC? I don't want to give up on the relationship especially if it is normal for couples to go on breaks, but I also don't want to set myself up for heartache and go through what I did during the first two weeks again.
bentnotbroken Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 My girlfriend of 5 and half years broke up with me two weeks ago after we had a fight. She says that she just can't do it anymore and that she can't see herself getting married to me so what's the point The thing that hurts most is how sudden a change it was. I thought we were very happy just a week before. In fact, just a few days before the fight, we were listening to the radio and telling each other which songs we would have at our wedding. During the first week after the break up, I did many of the common mistakes which others have spoken about on this site (ie. Calling, begging, telling her I'll wait for her) but finally decided to pull myself together on saturday and called her to tell her that I would give her all the space and time she needs and started no contact from there. I figured I'd give her a month of NC, and then give her a call to see how she is going and take it from there. My question is what are the realistic chances of getting back together? This is our first break and I love her dearly. I used to think that our relationship would survive anything but the harsh reality of life is starting to set in now. I have spoken to my friends and they tell me that it is normal for couples in long term relationships to have a break. So now I'm just feeling really confused. Should I just try to write off the relationship in my mind or hang on in there for the one month of NC? I don't want to give up on the relationship especially if it is normal for couples to go on breaks, but I also don't want to set myself up for heartache and go through what I did during the first two weeks again. So which is it? A boyfriend or a girlfriend. Your other post said boyfriend. Alerting mod now.
Author FreshMoody Posted March 8, 2012 Author Posted March 8, 2012 It's all complicated and it's nice to know that other people go through the same and also don't give up. Right now it's just wait and see at that moment when we will meet again, until then I'm just gonna take things easy with her, contact and all. I guess it's the same for you as well, you won't know for sure until you see that person again
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