Falcon25 Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 That letter was not good man. You can't give ultimatums either. You should NEVER VERBALIZE anything with a woman. You should act like you don't want commitment, then she would eventually come around. Not good to write letter. Girls don't respond to logic, ultimatums, or anything like that. They respond to what the guy makes them FEEL. The ex has two things over you, 1. Time 2. He doesn't care, so he doesn't write letters or anything. He just makes her tingle. That's what you have to become.
Senateguy Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 She dumped you and she is now asking you happily out to coffee? WTH??? There is no reason you should meet. None. unless you want her to have all the cards while you are hurting. Let her have coffee with her ex or whomever she's mooning and swooning over. This is rubbing salt in the wound. She probably wants to see you sooner to see if your tears haven't dried yet. What game is she playing??? Don't stroke her ego anymore. This post right here is spot on.
Author ChrisMac Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 That letter was not good man. You can't give ultimatums either. You should NEVER VERBALIZE anything with a woman. You should act like you don't want commitment, then she would eventually come around. Not good to write letter. Girls don't respond to logic, ultimatums, or anything like that. They respond to what the guy makes them FEEL. The ex has two things over you, 1. Time 2. He doesn't care, so he doesn't write letters or anything. He just makes her tingle. That's what you have to become. I'm regretting the letter in a big way. ****ing A, should have just gone to bed.
Senateguy Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 I'm learning more and more that there's no rule of thumb with these things, Mike. Every situation is different and every girl is different. For every girl that might be doing what you describe just to stop feeling guilty, there's another that may truly miss what you two had. Mine seemed tonight when we met to truly want me back. Yet she also clearly wanted to go home within an hour. And she was able to offer little detail around why she 'lost her feelings' for me other than 'work was bad' and 'my ex kept contacting me'. So I have no way to know if she just feels bad because I went NC and stopped paying her attention, or if she truly wants me back. I just wrote her a long "this is what has to happen" letter, which I guess will decide it one way or another. It basically said "I think you're wonderful, but I have limits, and here are the three things that you need to think hard about how to fix: your ex staying around, you breaking up with me when things got a little bad, and your inability to communicate the things that bother you. If you just saw me tonight to feel better, I'm sad but best of luck in life. If you're really serious about you and me, let me know how we might fix these things and I'll be ready to rock your world. Have a good night." Your situation is a lot less cut-and-dry but it sounds like you're doing the right thing with NC, though not to get her attention but to move on. Best of luck... why does all this have to be so damn tough? (Maybe it doesn't, with the right girl.) Dude, who are you kidding?? if this girl missed him if she was truly worried about losing him she would be blowing up his phone, banging on his door, showing up at his work. She would be calling....BEGGING to come over. Have you ever been around a girl that is worried about losing you? They don't wait to have coffee.....they show up at your apartment door crying and begging. Let's get a reality check here. I've been the fool in plenty of relationships, so i know what it looks like and this chick doesn't want coffee because she is missing you. She wants to size you up and assuage her ego. I bet you a million bucks that post coffee you don't hear from this girl for weeks.
Falcon25 Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Chris, You have to act like you are moving on, that there are other girls, that you like being alone. etc. The coffee was a test to see what you would do, where you stand, etc. You have to understand something. Girls are attracted to 1. Guys they can't have 2. Guys they can lose 3. Guys who can get other women Now, granted, she is not the right person for you. But, for next time, you have to understand that a woman doesn't work on logic, just on what she FEELS. No letters, thesis, books, magazines, nothing can make her see that the ex convict she loves, makes her puvsy tingle, is a bad boy for her to be with. SHE FEELS IT. That's all that matters to her. Please stop this emotional stuff. You are a man. You don't write letters or poems or reason with women. You are a good guy, you do your own thing, even if you have to die alone, you don't need a woman. You need money, family, and health. If you act this way, women will swoon over you. STOP BEING EMOTIONAL. Your first post, I printed that out, cause it was RIGHT ON. But you are not following your OWN ADVICE.
Author ChrisMac Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Let's get a reality check here. I've been the fool in plenty of relationships, so i know what it looks like and this chick doesn't want coffee because she is missing you. She wants to size you up and assuage her ego. I bet you a million bucks that post coffee you don't hear from this girl for weeks. Despite saying she wants to make it work again, saying she's been looking at photos and talking about me constantly with her friends, and us making out five separate times on the train at the end, I'm not saying you're wrong. After the letter and Falcon25's points, I think I may not hear from her again. Goddamn it. Then again, if me writing a letter to say I still care but we need to figure out ways to fix a few things if it's ever going to work out between us is what breaks the chances of getting her back, she wasn't going to be gotten back anyway.
Author ChrisMac Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 STOP BEING EMOTIONAL. Your first post, I printed that out, cause it was RIGHT ON. But you are not following your OWN ADVICE. Wtf? I did nothing that was emotional. I told her that I was good with the breakup. I told her I was moving on. I told her I was glad she made the choice she did. I said yeah, we had some great times, but the breakup gave us space we needed, which was good. She was upset by all this. The letter said nice things about the past, but also said that if we can't get past these issues (her ex, her insecurity, her communication problems), we need to move on. That's not emotional, that's just a fact. If she can't address those things, we DO need to move on. I don't disagree with anything else you're saying, though.
Falcon25 Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Chris, Does Clint Eastwood write letters to women who may have exes lurking in the background? This is just an analogy. You are being emotional by even saying these things in a letter. YOU ARE A MAN. Men don't write letters, we don't work with feelings. Emotional doesn't mean you were crying or begging or whatever. It's that you are putting on paper how YOU FEEL. Women do that. You are a good guy, don't take this the wrong way. JUST STOP WORKING ON EMOTIONS, FEELINGS, JUST DON'T GIVE A FUVK ANYMORE! She will be back if you do that.
Falcon25 Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 (edited) LET HER WRITE YOU LETTERS. That's what the ex is doing. You think he writes letters? HE DOESN'T GIVE A FUVK! Let her tell you her feelings. Let her tell you how much she misses you. Let her write you poems, apologize, etc. You don't work on emotions. You work on being a man. Men are strong. We don't beg. We don't cry. We do those things in private. That's what seperates us from women. Let her beg you back. Let her tell you it was a mistake. You sit there and listen. Let her work for YOU. She knows what she has to do, she doesn't need a letter. She is looking for ATTRACTION in you. That was what the coffee was for. Edited March 7, 2012 by Falcon25 spelling
Author ChrisMac Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 You sit there and listen. Let her work for YOU. She knows what she has to do, she doesn't need a letter. She is looking for ATTRACTION in you. That was what the coffee was for. The ex was actually constantly writing her letters. That's what pulled her attention. He kept sending her sincere, apologetic letters, and coming to see her. It confused her. If she was looking for attraction, was that fact that we were making out five different times on the trains home not... that? I'm confused about what attraction is if not that.
mike588 Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 LET HER WRITE YOU LETTERS. That's what the ex is doing. You think he writes letters? HE DOESN'T GIVE A FUVK! Let her tell you her feelings. Let her tell you how much she misses you. Let her write you poems, apologize, etc. You don't work on emotions. You work on being a man. Men are strong. We don't beg. We don't cry. We do those things in private. That's what seperates us from women. Let her beg you back. Let her tell you it was a mistake. You sit there and listen. Let her work for YOU. She knows what she has to do, she doesn't need a letter. She is looking for ATTRACTION in you. That was what the coffee was for. Oh crap reading all this REALLY makes me regret responding to my ex.lol.
Falcon25 Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 The ex can write letters, he has time over you. His letters are REMINDERS of the past. Your's is almost ultimatums. ATTRACTION is not kissing, making out, etc. Mine did that to me last week. ATTRACTION is her feeling that you can have other women, her losing you, her wanting to be in your presence, thinking about you, missing you, swooning over you, wondering how you feel about her, wondering if you love her. It's called challenge. It's emotional. Not physical. Women can bang any man they want, it's the ones that they can't have, or afrad of losing, that make their hearts pound.
Author ChrisMac Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Man, you're on a roll, but every situation is different and I'm not sure you're hearing the details. Let her tell you her feelings. She did. She went on about how much she had been feeling for 20 minutes. Let her tell you how much she misses you. She did. Repeatedly. Let her write you poems, apologize, etc. She apologized, saying I didn't deserve it, that she never should have done it. That it was a huge mistake. Said this at least three times. At what point do you not just say "Okay, I believe you?" If she's already begging for you to give her another chance, how long do you make her keep begging?
Falcon25 Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Chris, Words don't mean anything with women. It's actions. You don't say ANYTHING pertaining to feelings. You sit back and watch and see if she means what she says. If she calls you, if she keeps wanting to meet up, if she pounds at your door, cries and begs you etc. When she tells you these things, you get up and say "Nice talking with you, maybe things will work out between us, I have to go to Mars now" and you walk away. NO LETTERS, NO FEELINGS, NO ULTIMATUMS, NO NOTHING. You have to keep her wondering.
Author ChrisMac Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Chris, Words don't mean anything with women. It's actions. You don't say ANYTHING pertaining to feelings. You sit back and watch and see if she means what she says. If she calls you, if she keeps wanting to meet up, if she pounds at your door, cries and begs you etc. When she tells you these things, you get up and say "Nice talking with you, maybe things will work out between us, I have to go to Mars now" and you walk away. NO LETTERS, NO FEELINGS, NO ULTIMATUMS, NO NOTHING. You have to keep her wondering. Yeah, that all sounds well and good, but you do that long enough and eventually she just gives up. At what point do you cave? You have to be able to somehow alchemize this behavior into an actual relationship, or else why even maintain any contact?
Falcon25 Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 (edited) She is not going to give up as long as you agree to see her, maintain contact (when she initiates it), not you. You can hang with her, you know that right? You can do stuff with her, you can even have sex with her, YOU JUST CANT TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS. When it's time, when she has shown that the ex is gone, she is in love with you again, then you say "ok, I'll be exclusive with you once again". Untill then, you don't say anything about what you want. If you act like you don't want commitment, you will get commitment. It is their jobs to tie you down. It is their job to want commitment. You have to act like, "you hurt me once, now work for it so I can take you back". BUT YOU DON'T VERBALIZE THIS. You always have to be an inch away from her grasps. Why? Cause she is in love with another man from the past. She has to let that go. Only then, will you be her's. Stop talkin. Think. Don't talk. Think. Edited March 7, 2012 by Falcon25 spelling
Author ChrisMac Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 She is not going to cave as long as you agree to see her, maintain contact (when she initiates it), not you. You can hang with her, you know that right? You can do stuff with her, you can even have sex with her, YOU JUST CANT TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS. Okay, I said nothing about having any emotions tonight. All I said was yeah, the past was great, right? Good times. When it's time, when she has shown that the ex is gone, she is in love with you again, then you say "ok, I'll be exclusive with you once again". Untill then, you don't say anything about what you want. No insecure girl, which is all of them, is gonna permanently git rid of the backup ex if I'm showing zero interest in them. The ex is kept around as a crutch, and a crutch he'll remain as long as she's insecure. If you act like you don't want commitment, you will get commitment. Agreed. But today it was her who asked for the new commitment. And that was tough for her. For me to say anything other than what I said ("Let's take it slow") would have shot down her attempts at reconciliation. It is their jobs to tie you down. It is their job to want commitment. You have to act like, "you hurt me once, now work for it so I can take you back". BUT YOU DON'T VERBALIZE THIS. You know, to be frank, I actually kinda like the letter, as it's a breaking point. She doesn't want to discuss the issues that she says broke us up? Then I never hear from her again, and that's good. I just broke up with someone who wasn't a "let's fix issues type". Good move. And if she responds? Then I know she's serious about fixing things. Who wants to keep playing headgames back and forth for the next three months?
Falcon25 Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 The letter was a mistake. You are pushing her to him. And yes, she will get rid of him. When she truly falls in love with you. I don't know why you think this is a game. It's not. It's not head games. It's how women operate. Read your first post again. Good luck man. Just remember one thing. Don't verbalize your feelings. Don't get hung up on her, see other women. She will be back when you show WITH YOUR ACTIONS, rather than words on a letter what you want. Peace.
Author ChrisMac Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 She will be back when you show WITH YOUR ACTIONS, rather than words on a letter what you want. Come on, man. That makes no sense. I seriously think that -- with all the stuttering and apologizing she made tonight -- I threw her off only by being too aloof. If I'd grabbed her and said I still need her too, let's do it, she would have smiled and cried. But by being "hey, life is good, glad we broke up", yes, it shocked her but also made her withdraw. Not all girls are the "go nuts trying to get a guy back outside his door" type. She's not American, is very withdrawn, and right now I think she's confused as hell about what she wants, and wanted to meet with me to see if seeing me might help make life more clear. I think my aloofness, saying life is good, etc., just f#%&ed her up more. And then the making out probably left her head completely messed up. Time will tell. Back to NC...
Falcon25 Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Come on, man. That makes no sense. I seriously think that -- with all the stuttering and apologizing she made tonight -- I threw her off only by being too aloof. If I'd grabbed her and said I still need her too, let's do it, she would have smiled and cried. But by being "hey, life is good, glad we broke up", yes, it shocked her but also made her withdraw. QUOTE] You ruined all that with the letter. You did great when you met up with her. I never argued that. But, then you wrote a letter. She only remembers the letter now. Stop it. Stop verbalizing. Do you understand now?
Author ChrisMac Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 You ruined all that with the letter. You did great when you met up with her. I never argued that. But, then you wrote a letter. She only remembers the letter now. Stop it. Stop verbalizing. Do you understand now? Still don't think I did what you're saying. The letter was just a rewrite of what I said. Never gave up current emotions. Only ever said the past was great. But yes, I still regret sending it, so stopping rubbing it in.
Falcon25 Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Your first post should be read by all men who are interested in women. A GREAT POST. Re read what you wrote, and see if that letter helps or hurts you in the long run.
Author ChrisMac Posted March 7, 2012 Author Posted March 7, 2012 Your first post should be read by all men who are interested in women. A GREAT POST. Re read what you wrote, and see if that letter helps or hurts you in the long run. Any letter hurts. Period. Fine fine, I agree. Again, stop rubbing it in.
Falcon25 Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Good. This will stop you from making these mistakes in the future. You're good. Just stop caring. She will be back. Guarantee it. After this conversation, you won't make this silly mistake again. She will be back. I put money on it.
justsomebody Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 Hello Chris, I think the letter is very comforting for a girl who was/is confused. From a female perspective, it tells that you still love her, you want to make this work, and you have a clear head to lead the way which I think that is what she is asking for in this situation. A logical manner to fix the problem. I mean, when I put myself in her shoe, if I am so sure about the ex, I won't "beg" and apologize to you. If I want to have the cake and eat it too, I won't break up with you a few days before or after (I don't quiet remember the details) your move. It is hard to rebuild trust, yes, communication is the key. It is okay to show emotions. We (maybe just me) need to know that guys have feelings too. I hope all works out for you.
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