What I've Learned in 21 Days

[ChrisMac]

So as one or two of you have read in my other post, three weeks ago I moved to another country to start a new life with a great new job and to be with a girl I'd been long-distance dating for the prior six months, and within five days she broke up with me.

 

Part of this was due to the ex she'd broken up with a few weeks before meeting me popping back into her life while I was away for two months and constantly asking for her back for weeks on end -- and she didn't turn him away -- and part of it came from a deep insecurity I experienced in these two months between finishing school and starting my new life abroad. This was very much unlike my usual self, but I was stuck in a desolate place alone with zero friends around and miserable parents, and it crushed my usual self-confidence. Details are in my prior post for anyone who cares.

 

The net result of these two issues? I'm single again. And I've learned a few very important facts. Had I known these six months ago, I believe my life at present would be far different.

 

1) If there's an ex lurking in the background, just walk away. Especially if you're in an LDR. A girl who is over her ex and ready to be in love again will not continue to tolerate multiple contacts from him if she's with me. If she continues to receive his emails and respond to them multiple times, it's either because she's really, really needy, or (more likely) isn't over him yet. And if a girl isn't done being in love with another guy, no matter how great you are she isn't going to be able to make you a priority

 

As the guy in this situation, you're going to sense this and no matter how fun, romantic, and self-confident you are, it's going to affect your ego and sense of confidence in the relationship, and it's going to throw you off your game. And the more worried and insecure you get, the less attracted to you she's going to be -- with her initial attraction already capped off at "semi-moderate" due to the ex hanging around.

 

Girls are not driven in their attraction by romance and kindness. This is just a fact. There's nothing wrong with this, but what the *intellect* says is best (a smart guy with a good income and open heart) is rarely what's going to be the guy she obsesses on the most. If it was, every girl in high school would have a crush on the biggest geek.

 

Instead, girls (and guys too, probably), want someone who puts them as "nice to have but not required". A guy who pushes them away at times, who proves a challenge from time to time, not because he's *mean* but because he has multiple other priorities in life, is going to maximize her attraction. It seems to just be how girls are wired. Once a guy fully commits and makes her more important than anything else in life, the challenge is gone and attraction will drop, and if it continues, the "we need a break" will happen.

 

I screwed up because I drove the commitment to this girl. I told her I was moving to her country because I wanted to get serious and see where our relationship goes. I sent her flowers. I got upset about the ex sticking around. I stayed with her my first week there with nowhere else to go. I didn't put her aside for local friends in the area or other activities. And to her, all the challenge was gone. I needed to let her worry, to miss me at times, to get jealous... to *need* me, and by putting her first I denied her all of that emotional fun. And lo and behold, "I've lost my attraction for you."

 

Certain BS "love gurus" like the guy who wrote "The System" say once "Interest" drops below a certain threshold and she says "we need a break" it can never be regained. Others say that if you go full NC interest can be rebuilt, and if she comes back, which many will, as long as you can stay confident and maintain your own life and other activities you may be able to make it work.

 

As this happened over the month I was away and her ex was hitting on her and it got worse when I came back (I was living with her for nine days), I doubt it can be repaired. I still love her, but can I get her attraction back up? Probably not. At midnight two nights ago, after having ignored her for a week, I get a single FB message from her saying just "I miss you...". Like a chump, I waited a day not sure how to respond, and finally the next night just sent back "I know how you feel, love. ". This acheived nothing for me and I regretted it as soon as I sent it. No Contact means No Contact. Unless she says explicitly "I f*&%ed up and want to make it work", she gets nothing from here on out.

 

What's going to happen now to me? I'd say:

 

3% Chance: She comes back after a few weeks or months of NC and it works out between us now that I've found my foundation here in this new city and don't need to act like a clingy wuss that I'd become between finishing school and starting my new life. She broke up with the guy who wasn't me, when I was at the lowest point of my life, and as I'm back to normal now the attraction may be reattainable.

 

7% Chance: She comes back and we give it a go and it works for a few days or weeks, maybe we sleep together once or twice, but even though I once again have a life and have lost all my neediness -- I'm my old fun and confident and dynamic and exciting self -- we can't get back to what we had because of the broken trust from the breakup.

 

90% Chance: We each move on. Having learned the need to take it slow and always let the girl make the decisions to "progress" the relationshop, I date for awhile and find a great relationship a few girls down the line, while she gets back together with her ex, maybe it fails for the third time, maybe they work it out, but we stay apart, and for good reason.

 

My only advice to everyone out there is this:

 

1) If there's still an ex around, just walk away.

 

2) If she's broken up with her ex less than three months ago, be very, very cautious that he's not still around.

 

3) Always let the girl be the one who drives the relationship.

 

4) Never let any relationship be the only priority in your life.

 

5) If a girl starts to show *any* sign of pulling away or fighting with you, pull away more until she returns to her normal self, laughing at all your jokes and needing you more than you need her.

 

6) If a she does start to show the warning signs, never ask what's wrong. She will never want to tell you she's losing her attraction for you, and you're just going to come off as even more insecure.

 

Once you're in love and enough time has passed, you won't have to worry about these rules as they'll come naturally, but I'm not sure there's an expiration date on any of them. I've read and seen relationships fall apart after 7+ years due to ignoring the above, and it looks like people just have to be able to always maintain their own lives. I'm sure there are exceptions, but no one should think that they're special. I did. And I was wrong.

 

Cheers.

Edited February 28, 2012 by ChrisMac

[blindnowisee]

This was a good read. I think it sums up my feelings as well.. I'm in a similar spot.. long term gf left and left behind a void.. but truth be told I'm now +- 1 month along the line and I'm starting to feel glad that I've had to go through this.

 

We should see this as one of life's experiences.. I know this has made my more focussed and a better person all along. I know I'll be able to spot a lot of things that happen in relationships that before my break-up I was completely oblivious too.

 

Amen to this. Let's continue to grow as people.. become more interesting.. and start hitting on women like there is no tomorrow!

[Falcon25]

This is exactly what I'm going through. THE EX factor. The guy that is lurking around. Even if he doesn't want her, she wants him. Expand on this please. Better yet, read my thread and tell me what's going on.

[chelsea2011]

This doesn't just apply to women, it applies to men who have ex's lurking as well. It's not a male or female issue....it's simply an issue of a person being in love with someone else.

[ChrisMac]

So latest update. After not contacting her unless it was a short, neutral reply to something she sent for two weeks after the breakup, on Thursday she sends a message saying "It's so nice out... do you want to get a coffee together some night next week?"

 

How do you respond to this for a girl who just broke up with you because she "lost her feelings for you" in a way that's neither angry nor dishonest? I tell her I'm pretty busy, not sure when I can, but she insists, so I say fine, Tuesday after work's the only time I can do it (true). She seems happy.

 

Then an hour later I get "I really want to see you before then... can we maybe meet sometime this weekend?" I refuse, saying I've got too much going on. I DO have a lot going on, but am also frankly just not ready to see her yet. She says okay, she completely understands, Tuesday it is.

 

Yesterday she sends me a photo of a panda saying "Have a great weekend!"

 

Is this girl nuts? I'm sure I'm doing the wrong thing by agreeing to see her but I'm curious to hear what she has to say.

[Gigi70]

So latest update. After not contacting her unless it was a short, neutral reply to something she sent for two weeks after the breakup, on Thursday she sends a message saying "It's so nice out... do you want to get a coffee together some night next week?"

 

How do you respond to this for a girl who just broke up with you because she "lost her feelings for you" in a way that's neither angry nor dishonest? I tell her I'm pretty busy, not sure when I can, but she insists, so I say fine, Tuesday after work's the only time I can do it (true). She seems happy.

 

Then an hour later I get "I really want to see you before then... can we maybe meet sometime this weekend?" I refuse, saying I've got too much going on. I DO have a lot going on, but am also frankly just not ready to see her yet. She says okay, she completely understands, Tuesday it is.

 

Yesterday she sends me a photo of a panda saying "Have a great weekend!"

 

Is this girl nuts? I'm sure I'm doing the wrong thing by agreeing to see her but I'm curious to hear what she has to say.

 

Geeze! They really know how to **** with our heads, don't they? Panda, indeed! LOL I don't know if she's nuts but it sounds like she's very insecure. There are a lot of ppl out there who needs to feel like they are liked. The slightest hint that they are being ignored or shunned because they are not liked, they get edgy. She sounds like one of those.

[Senateguy]

Hey Man - DO NOT RESPOND.... DO NOT MEET FOR COFFEE MAN. She feels guilty and is having doubts but that does not mean she wants to get back together. You are walking into a buzz saw. The whole "coffee" stuff is just crap. Read this blog post, what this guy is talking about his exactly what you should do. Click on the link. This guy is 100% correct.

 

The "Just Got Dumped" GUIDE

[Falcon25]

It's ok to meet, it's ok to respond. This is not a game. If you are moving on in your heart and mind, it doesn't matter. She is not the one, why not have coffee? She's not the one.She can't play you if you are moving on.

[ChrisMac]

Hey Man - DO NOT RESPOND.... DO NOT MEET FOR COFFEE MAN. She feels guilty and is having doubts but that does not mean she wants to get back together. You are walking into a buzz saw. The whole "coffee" stuff is just crap. Read this blog post, what this guy is talking about his exactly what you should do. Click on the link. This guy is 100% correct.

 

The "Just Got Dumped" GUIDE

 

Meh. I half-buy that guide, it's why I've been ignoring her since the breakup. Not in an effort to try to get her back but because what's the point of talking? "Oh, you're having a rough week? So sorry." "Oh, your search for a new job is proving difficult? Wow, I just moved to a new country and know about two people here and don't even have sheets yet but yeah, your life sounds much more difficult, I'm so here for you"?

 

F*** that, after being isolated for two months back at my family's place in the middle of nowhere, and then moving to a big new city, yeah, I'm gonna be a little unstable and maybe come off as insecure, even "needy" for the first week or two. I hadn't even moved into my new place yet before she broke it off saying our "spark" was gone and she'd lost attraction. This was after three days of her laughing and saying constantly that she feels more like the man in the relationship, but gosh I'm such a great guy... with such nice eyes.

 

I didn't move here for her, it was a job offer too good to refuse but she would have been the frosting on the cake, but it's always a few months of insecurity in any new city as you settle in and start to find new friends and buy towels and work out your life. I'm starting to get back to being my old confident self but it's still gonna be another 4-8 weeks before the full sense of being a happy, strong man is restored.

 

All that said, I'm meeting her after refusing multiple times to move the meeting up earlier this weekend because anything else is just weak. I'm gonna go, and laugh, and smile, and be myself, and not bring up the relationship if she does. And if she does, I'm just gonna tell her she was right, it was a good call, people's emotions are what they are, clearly it wasn't going to work out so it's better to end it early. Which is true.

 

And then after 30 minutes or so I'm gonna leave and wish her the best. If in that time she can come up with a damn good explanation for why she broke up with me, and can do the impossible and somehow convince me that it could never happen again, sure, I'll give it another shot. But that won't happen.

 

If she wants just sex? Hmm... not sure about that. Probably a bad idea but a FB in a new city could be good to have as a backup, though I'd have to keep the emotions under control and that can be tough for me.

 

Most likely outcome: she feels bad, wants to hear I still care, I stay happy and keep the conversation light but don't go there and give her what she wants to hear, she fights for another week or two and then moves on with her ex or whoever else is in her life now.

 

Still no reason not to go. Anything else just feels like "hiding".

 

 

It's ok to meet, it's ok to respond. This is not a game. If you are moving on in your heart and mind, it doesn't matter. She is not the one, why not have coffee? She's not the one.She can't play you if you are moving on.

 

That.

[Falcon25]

Chris,

 

I just met with mine couple days ago. I don't play games. I decided she's not the one, she has to prove she is, not me. It's ok to see or talk to them (if they initiate it). If you are a strong man, it won't even phase you. She will sense it. Just show her that "I'm moving on", "I'm ok with it". It's just not the right time, not the right woman, whatever man. If she is the one, she will chase you, I guarantee it. If she's not, who cares? You had coffee with a friend. Be strong. Same thing happened to me. She may think she has me at her finger, but I know she doesn't. And that's all that matters.

 

By the way, your post is straight on man, especially the 2nd half. NEVER drive the relationship. That is the woman's job, not yours. Act like you don't want commitment, and you will get commitment..........

Edited March 4, 2012 by Falcon25

[ChrisMac]

Chris,

 

I just met with mine couple days ago. I don't play games. I decided she's not the one, she has to prove she is, not me. It's ok to see or talk to them (if they initiate it). If you are a strong man, it won't even phase you. She will sense it. Just show her that "I'm moving on", "I'm ok with it". It's just not the right time, not the right woman, whatever man. If she is the one, she will chase you, I guarantee it. If she's not, who cares? You had coffee with a friend. Be strong. Same thing happened to me. She may think she has me at her finger, but I know she doesn't. And that's all that matters.

 

By the way, your post is straight on man, especially the 2nd half. NEVER drive the relationship. That is the woman's job, not yours. Act like you don't want commitment, and you will get commitment..........

 

Man, I just read your posts and it's scary how similar our situations are and how we handled them. I think both of us were on the receiving end of a girl who needed us to feel better about an ex who didn't want them and when he showed up again -- whether the she slept with him or not -- her feelings went haywire. We got stacked up against prior relationships we couldn't possibly compete with.

 

We'd had an emotional one-hour breakup discussion over coffee, which I knew was coming from her tone when she asked to meet so was able to prepare a little. During the talk I told her it was okay, no big deal, she needs to put herself first and focus on her own problems, I'll be fine. Yeah, I was wiping tears out of my eyes but f#%& it, it came out of nowhere and was a shock.

 

She kept saying she was so sorry, so sorry, that the "spark" she'd felt when we were seeing each other over Christmas just had disappeared, she still had feelings but it was nowhere near the same and she didn't know why. I genuinely believe that if she could have flipped a switch and turned the feelings back on, she would have, but legitimately didn't have the emotional intelligence to figure out what was going on in her own head.

 

I told her: "Look, we were apart for eight weeks and around week four you confided in me that your ex was going nuts trying to get you back, he even showed up at your job to talk to you for awhile. And you even told me that back when you were together, before you broke up for the first time, you thought he was The One. That cannot be easy to see him again, and for sure it probably messed with your head. I get it."

 

She agreed with this, saying yeah, back when he was still trying it probably did mess her up, as she hasn't felt the same about me since. She didn't do anything wrong, her feelings just got shaken up, maybe irreparably.

 

I don't think this means she and I (or your girl and you) are necessarily bad for each other. Heck, we could even be great. But not right now. And statistically speaking, probably never. I've learned so many times in my 33+ years of life that you cannot ever solve someone else's problems for them, and until these girls can -- alone in the middle of nowhere with no distractions or anyone else around, say "yes, I'm 100% over [ex] and ready for something great with [new guy]", they're worthless as anything more than f-buddies.

 

I'm happy to stay in light contact with her. I know who I am, and I'm f#%&ing great. She was too messed up to want it? Fine. Go figure out what you want and get back to me.

 

Only dealbreaker for me is the ex. If she gets back with him she's cut off, cold. Date new guys? We can be friends but I don't want to hear about it, come on. But be sufficiently insane to allow yourself to go back to the guy who already dumped you twice? I don't want a friend with that little sense of self-worth.

 

Good luck dude. Sounds like you're doing well.

Edited March 5, 2012 by ChrisMac

[Falcon25]

Damn, almost identical situation man. I'm your age too, and I tell you, you did great.

 

The only difference between your situation and mine is that my girl's ex doesn't want her back. Yours does. But, if she goes back, whatever. It's all about timing. Can't force it. But, I tell you what, no more girls who came off of relationships. They are incapable of anything. The hard part is that EVERY GIRL is coming off a damn relationship! lol

 

I'm trying to move on, it sucks. But oh well. It's in the hands of others now. I tried. I gave 110 percent.

 

By the way, the EXACT same stuff your girl said to you about not feeling it, etc. Is what my girl said to me.

[ChrisMac]

Damn, almost identical situation man. I'm your age too, and I tell you, you did great.

 

The only difference between your situation and mine is that my girl's ex doesn't want her back. Yours does. But, if she goes back, whatever. It's all about timing. Can't force it. But, I tell you what, no more girls who came off of relationships. They are incapable of anything. The hard part is that EVERY GIRL is coming off a damn relationship! lol

 

Ha... that's actually very true. I've never heard of a girl saying "I'm just going to stop looking for a man because I'm fragile right now and will just end up hurting a guy if I take him on as a rebound." Maybe the trick is to figure out who the rebound guys are, wait for them to fall apart, and then be the post-rebound guy. Then again, the whole rebound thing is crap anyway. I was in a very short, 18-month marriage done with the best of really misguided intentions, and after we split up the girl I started seeing two months later I stayed with for six years and still adore despite us not being able to be together.

 

I'm trying to move on, it sucks. But oh well. It's in the hands of others now. I tried. I gave 110 percent.

 

By the way, the EXACT same stuff your girl said to you about not feeling it, etc. Is what my girl said to me.

 

Yeah, my guess is this is a pretty common situation.

 

Girl loves "Brian". Girl dates Brian for years. Brian's a bit of an ass. Brian says "I can do better than this girl. I'm so tired of f#%&ing her." Girl gets insecure, tries to keep Brian around. Her clinging makes it worse. He dumps her. She picks herself up, travels and dates new guys to piss him off. This works. He comes back and says "baby, stop f@%&ing other guys, don't you still love me?!" Her mission%2

Edited March 5, 2012 by ChrisMac

[Senateguy]

If you talk to her you are just going to assuage her ego and then she is going to go right back to the other guy. And you will be left with the ashes and you'll feel like total crap. The only reason she is contacting you is ego. She is wondering what you're doing, why you aren't talking to her. You'll know when they want to get back together, they make it really easy.

[ChrisMac]

If you talk to her you are just going to assuage her ego and then she is going to go right back to the other guy. And you will be left with the ashes and you'll feel like total crap. The only reason she is contacting you is ego. She is wondering what you're doing, why you aren't talking to her. You'll know when they want to get back together, they make it really easy.

 

Oh, you're preaching to the choir, man. I know that's all she wants. Which means she isn't going to get it. This is going to be a friends-only meetup, and if she starts using words like "feelings", "missing you", "do you miss me?" and so on, I'm going to be clear that hey, we're friends now at best, and I don't use those words with friends, so let's move on, k? What's been going on?

 

It feels manipulative but she's since Thursday twice said "Hey, if your schedule frees up and there's any way I can see you earlier, please let me know", and I'm just not the type to reject a girl entirely.

 

But I'm also feeling an enormous amount better about myself and my part in all of this, so no caving is going to happen. She wants to eff up her own life and leave me with no part to play in it, fine, I'll watch the train wreck with a bowl of popcorn from the bleachers.

[ChrisMac]

Just had the strangest conversation with her best friend, who messaged me on FB saying "Good luck tomorrow". It took me a moment to figure out what she meant. Didn't realize meeting up for coffee was something that required luck.

 

She then goes on to say a bunch of cryptic nonsense:

 

"the question is what u want...are u still in love... tomorrow everything can change... i hope everything will be ok, she miss u a lot... i hope she will tell u everything tomorrow... pls trust me if u still love her"

 

I'm not about ready to trust anyone at this stage of the game, but also wonder how good a friend this is who's telling me these things. My ex would likely be furious if she found out.

[Chi townD]

Just had the strangest conversation with her best friend, who messaged me on FB saying "Good luck tomorrow". It took me a moment to figure out what she meant. Didn't realize meeting up for coffee was something that required luck.

 

She then goes on to say a bunch of cryptic nonsense:

 

"the question is what u want...are u still in love... tomorrow everything can change... i hope everything will be ok, she miss u a lot... i hope she will tell u everything tomorrow... pls trust me if u still love her"

 

I'm not about ready to trust anyone at this stage of the game, but also wonder how good a friend this is who's telling me these things. My ex would likely be furious if she found out.

 

 

Christ, REALLY?!?! Are we back in High School?

 

Okay, I would meet up with her, hear what she has to say, but if it sounds like the "friend zone" speech; I would gulp down your latte and out the door! You'd be wasting your time.

[ChrisMac]

Right now given her overly happy tone and her friend's speech it sounds like it's going to be more the "I f@$&ed up, I miss you, my head was in a bad place" speech. I just don't see how you can get to trust someone again after this happens once. "You broke up with me out of the blue and couldn't even give a good reason."

 

Can anyone really get past that?

[Chi townD]

Well, the good part is, you're in the drivers seat. You decide what you want from here on out. She'll be the one waiting on the sidelines for what you decide to do.

 

IF you consider getting back with her. You seriously need to thing of boundries and limitations that need to be set. Because, lets face it, you don't trust her. If she's unwilling to abide by your rules, then game over.

[ChrisMac]

Well, the good part is, you're in the drivers seat. You decide what you want from here on out. She'll be the one waiting on the sidelines for what you decide to do.

 

IF you consider getting back with her. You seriously need to thing of boundries and limitations that need to be set. Because, lets face it, you don't trust her. If she's unwilling to abide by your rules, then game over.

 

So weird night. We meet outside the subway, get drinks at a place underground, beat around the bush for awhile about what we've each been up to. Then -- it's extremely hard for her to say emotional things -- she says that she's been looking at photos of us a lot, been remembering how happy I made her a lot, all her friends keep telling her we were terrific together... and she wants to know how I feel.

 

What do you say to this with a girl who dumped you three weeks ago?

 

I tell her that I think she made the right choice, that I'm in a new city and needed to get grounded, to build a foundation on my own, and it would have been very hard on both of us if we'd been together in this time. I say that I think the time apart was good for us, no matter what.

 

She doesn't seem happy about this, starts saying it looks like I really just needed to get into life here without her, that she understands but was hoping I would be acting more like I did the day she broke up with me. Jesus.

 

I tell her I just don't still understand why she did it, and how I can trust her to not do it again. She explains that leaving her job really messed with her head, she was so depressed, and that her ex contacting her also screwed her up. Plus the pressure of me showing up and living here for real. "But now I'm okay."

 

I feel bad, still kinda love her, but don't know what to say. I just don't trust her enough to say "Let's do it!" because I'm terrified that if I do, she gets what she wants -- a fixed ego -- and is then just gone again. Yet she's so terrible at sharing her feelings that if she's genuinely sorry and desperately wants me back, she won't be able to say it.

 

So I say "hey, those times with you were some of the happiest for me as well, let's just take it slow". She agrees, saying "I like it slow", and we leave for the train. We walk to the train not really talking, and I have no idea where to go from there. By the time we're on the train I'm thinking it's a bad idea again, and say so.

 

Finally we get off the train and talk some more, and end up hugging, then making out, and she says she just wants the good times together back again, that she wants to feel the way she did before. I say we can't have *those* times back. We could potentially have *other* good times, but it won't be the same. She says that's fine, that's all she wants.

 

We make out some more but now she's waiting by her train and mine's in another direction. I finally stop it and say "I'm over this way, see you", give her one last kiss and walk off. Haven't had any contact in the three hours since.

 

Did I screw this up? What the hell am I doing? I DO adore this girl but it just feels like a terrible situation. As she was the dumper I feel like she needs to make the next couple of steps to fix it, but as she's so closed don't know if she will even know how.

 

Feedback welcome.

[BewitchedandBothered]

She dumped you and she is now asking you happily out to coffee? WTH??? There is no reason you should meet. None. unless you want her to have all the cards while you are hurting. Let her have coffee with her ex or whomever she's mooning and swooning over. This is rubbing salt in the wound. She probably wants to see you sooner to see if your tears haven't dried yet. What game is she playing??? Don't stroke her ego anymore.

[mike588]

Great thread Chris and agree alot with the attraction/losing interest stuff. My ex. and I dated for a year and I knew she still had feelings for her ex...yeah yeah I know...red flag I ignored but foolishly believed her after being assured then reassured 100 times she wouldn't go back.

 

Anyway she dumped me for him in a cruel way and I went N.C. believing I'd never hear from her ever again.

 

Well last month she contacts me (emails and a note) filled with I'm sorrys...regrets...how good I was to her etc.etc. and I foolishly replyed but didn't say anything like..I miss you...I'm willing to try it again blah blah blah but neither did she.

 

I now wish I hadn't replyed and see now all she was doing was ridding herself of her guilt....hoping I would reply.

 

I don't know if I'll ever hear from her again....I knows it's the best for me if I don't.....I can only guess she feels better now after getting that guilt off her chest and after hearing from me?

[ChrisMac]

She dumped you and she is now asking you happily out to coffee? WTH??? There is no reason you should meet. None. unless you want her to have all the cards while you are hurting. Let her have coffee with her ex or whomever she's mooning and swooning over. This is rubbing salt in the wound. She probably wants to see you sooner to see if your tears haven't dried yet. What game is she playing??? Don't stroke her ego anymore.

 

Not sure you read my most recent post.

[ChrisMac]

I don't know if I'll ever hear from her again....I knows it's the best for me if I don't.....I can only guess she feels better now after getting that guilt off her chest and after hearing from me?

 

I'm learning more and more that there's no rule of thumb with these things, Mike. Every situation is different and every girl is different. For every girl that might be doing what you describe just to stop feeling guilty, there's another that may truly miss what you two had.

 

Mine seemed tonight when we met to truly want me back. Yet she also clearly wanted to go home within an hour. And she was able to offer little detail around why she 'lost her feelings' for me other than 'work was bad' and 'my ex kept contacting me'. So I have no way to know if she just feels bad because I went NC and stopped paying her attention, or if she truly wants me back.

 

I just wrote her a long "this is what has to happen" letter, which I guess will decide it one way or another. It basically said "I think you're wonderful, but I have limits, and here are the three things that you need to think hard about how to fix: your ex staying around, you breaking up with me when things got a little bad, and your inability to communicate the things that bother you. If you just saw me tonight to feel better, I'm sad but best of luck in life. If you're really serious about you and me, let me know how we might fix these things and I'll be ready to rock your world. Have a good night."

 

Your situation is a lot less cut-and-dry but it sounds like you're doing the right thing with NC, though not to get her attention but to move on. Best of luck... why does all this have to be so damn tough? (Maybe it doesn't, with the right girl.)

[mike588]

Yeah your right with the...right girl statement. As I said earlier mine dumped me in a very cruel way...(thats another story) and even on the very outside chance she was even considering wanting to try it again I think she feels.....Oh God..what I did to him was so awful I couldn't bear going back to him....I'm to ashamed...he would never forget/forgive so the least I can do is say I'm sorry....for HER sake....to relieve HER of HER guilt...

 

It was all about HER!!

Edited March 7, 2012 by mike588