4 years of love gone?

[hossafer]

Hey everybody. First time posting on here and I'm looking for some advice... or something to mentally help me out. My girlfriend officially ended our relationship of 4 years a little over a month ago - totally 1-sided, not a mutual decision. Back in mid-December, she came home one night after being out with friends, and told me that we're over when she came to bed (we lived together for 3 1/2 years). She didn't really get into details about why she felt this way, but for the next 5 weeks, I slept on the floor at my brother's place which is in the same apartment building. It was all so shocking. I know she needed space and she was confused about everything, so I gave it to her. At the beginning of January, I called her to see how she was doing on her dad's birthday. He passed away a little over 2 years ago and it devastated her, so I was just checking in. It was a quick conversation and I asked if we could talk in person soon - she said yes. The next night I went up to our place and we talked for about 2 hours. It was good, though mostly a 1-sided conversation with me doing most of the talking. I told her that over that past few weeks I had realized what we need to work on and how dedicated I am to her. Communication was definitely the biggest issues between us. She seemed very responsive to our talk and we hung out that Saturday. Things went great when we hung out - we had lunch, walked in the park, and when I was planning on taking her back home, to my surprise she wanted to keep hanging out. We even kissed a bit when I dropped her off. This was all very exciting to me thinking that maybe she's coming around, and she even invited me over to dinner the next week. I got excited, sent her a text about seeing her again, and 2 days later we went and saw a movie. The movie sucked, we went out to eat and it wasn't good (food-wise), and we were both in lousy moods due to it being a crappy Monday at work (we work at the same company, but not closely). It just wasn't a good night. After that, she cancelled our dinner plans that she had made and there wasn't any contact for weeks due to her "needing time". I laid low at my brother's while I hoped she was figuring out her issues. Then a little over a month ago, she emailed me out of the blue and asked me to get my things out of the apartment. I was devastated and replied asking what went wrong and how I thought she was making a mistake. I was weak and just poured my heart out. She replied saying that she knows what we have is special (she always said this during the whole ordeal), that maybe one day we can reclaim what we once had, and "goodbye, for now". She thinks we got too comfortable with each other and lost our individuality by being too dependent on each other. So I got all of my stuff out and completely moved out of the building into a friend's house. Since then I've gone completely no contact except for an email I sent a little over a week ago asking how things are going (nothing heavy, just to say hi). She replied saying she's OK and asked how I was doing. I was waiting to reply so I didn't seem so eager or needy. A day later I found out from a friend that she went on a date with some guy a couple of days ago, (about a week ago now) and I ended up not sending an email reply back to her because I was so hurt. It was a date somebody set up for her and I know she wasn't seeing anybody or anything while we were together. We were both in love and VERY faithful to each other. Then I find out a couple days later at work, she had the guy come up and they went out to lunch. Like I said, we work at the same company and this all happened right under me. I don't want to know anything about this guy and I deleted her on Facebook and everything else, so I wouldn't be exposed to it. I don't know if they're still seeing each other or what because it's just all too much for me to take right now and I can't stand to know. This is the same girl who told me and all of her friends that she wanted to be alone for awhile, so it was pretty shocking. I know she's still not over her dad's death because she never really dealt with it after the fact. She just bottled up the pain and wouldn't open up about it. She is also not happy at her job and other areas of her life. Coworkers have complained about her being difficult and different at work over the past few months. This girl is the love of my life and the one I've always dreamed of finding. We're both 31 now and the thought of starting over is too much to handle. To top it all off, I was looking at engagement rings during the weeks before this all went down. My mom ended up giving me a ring to give her after we had already separated that had been in her family for years. I still have it. I just can't move on from this no matter how hard I try. I've been trying to keep myself busy and going out with friends, but I constantly think about her no matter what I'm doing. We are perfect for each other, but she's not giving the relationship the chance it deserves. I know she still loves me and she's going through some personal issues even though she's trying very hard to hide it from everybody. You can't just fall out of love with somebody this quickly. I need this girl and I truly I believe I am the guy for her. We connect on so many levels and I wonder if she sees that anymore. Anyway, I know this is a pretty rambling post and I forgot some things, but I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so lost and I think she is too. Do I just keep going no contact and hope that she realizes what has happened, or do I try to reach out? I don't know if she's still seeing this guy, and if she is, is it just a rebound? I can't stand being away from her, and not knowing what she's thinking is killing me. Any input will be appreciated and thanks for reading all of this.

[Philosoraptor]

Hey everybody. First time posting on here and I'm looking for some advice... or something to mentally help me out. My girlfriend officially ended our relationship of 4 years a little over a month ago - totally 1-sided, not a mutual decision. Back in mid-December, she came home one night after being out with friends, and told me that we're over when she came to bed (we lived together for 3 1/2 years). She didn't really get into details about why she felt this way, but for the next 5 weeks, I slept on the floor at my brother's place which is in the same apartment building. It was all so shocking. I know she needed space and she was confused about everything, so I gave it to her. At the beginning of January, I called her to see how she was doing on her dad's birthday. He passed away a little over 2 years ago and it devastated her, so I was just checking in. It was a quick conversation and I asked if we could talk in person soon - she said yes.

 

The next night I went up to our place and we talked for about 2 hours. It was good, though mostly a 1-sided conversation with me doing most of the talking. I told her that over that past few weeks I had realized what we need to work on and how dedicated I am to her. Communication was definitely the biggest issues between us. She seemed very responsive to our talk and we hung out that Saturday. Things went great when we hung out - we had lunch, walked in the park, and when I was planning on taking her back home, to my surprise she wanted to keep hanging out. We even kissed a bit when I dropped her off. This was all very exciting to me thinking that maybe she's coming around, and she even invited me over to dinner the next week. I got excited, sent her a text about seeing her again, and 2 days later we went and saw a movie. The movie sucked, we went out to eat and it wasn't good (food-wise), and we were both in lousy moods due to it being a crappy Monday at work (we work at the same company, but not closely). It just wasn't a good night. After that, she cancelled our dinner plans that she had made and there wasn't any contact for weeks due to her "needing time". I laid low at my brother's while I hoped she was figuring out her issues.

 

Then a little over a month ago, she emailed me out of the blue and asked me to get my things out of the apartment. I was devastated and replied asking what went wrong and how I thought she was making a mistake. I was weak and just poured my heart out. She replied saying that she knows what we have is special (she always said this during the whole ordeal), that maybe one day we can reclaim what we once had, and "goodbye, for now". She thinks we got too comfortable with each other and lost our individuality by being too dependent on each other. So I got all of my stuff out and completely moved out of the building into a friend's house. Since then I've gone completely no contact except for an email I sent a little over a week ago asking how things are going (nothing heavy, just to say hi). She replied saying she's OK and asked how I was doing. I was waiting to reply so I didn't seem so eager or needy. A day later I found out from a friend that she went on a date with some guy a couple of days ago, (about a week ago now) and I ended up not sending an email reply back to her because I was so hurt. It was a date somebody set up for her and I know she wasn't seeing anybody or anything while we were together. We were both in love and VERY faithful to each other. Then I find out a couple days later at work, she had the guy come up and they went out to lunch. Like I said, we work at the same company and this all happened right under me. I don't want to know anything about this guy and I deleted her on Facebook and everything else, so I wouldn't be exposed to it. I don't know if they're still seeing each other or what because it's just all too much for me to take right now and I can't stand to know. This is the same girl who told me and all of her friends that she wanted to be alone for awhile, so it was pretty shocking. I know she's still not over her dad's death because she never really dealt with it after the fact. She just bottled up the pain and wouldn't open up about it. She is also not happy at her job and other areas of her life. Coworkers have complained about her being difficult and different at work over the past few months. This girl is the love of my life and the one I've always dreamed of finding.

 

We're both 31 now and the thought of starting over is too much to handle. To top it all off, I was looking at engagement rings during the weeks before this all went down. My mom ended up giving me a ring to give her after we had already separated that had been in her family for years. I still have it. I just can't move on from this no matter how hard I try. I've been trying to keep myself busy and going out with friends, but I constantly think about her no matter what I'm doing. We are perfect for each other, but she's not giving the relationship the chance it deserves. I know she still loves me and she's going through some personal issues even though she's trying very hard to hide it from everybody. You can't just fall out of love with somebody this quickly. I need this girl and I truly I believe I am the guy for her. We connect on so many levels and I wonder if she sees that anymore. Anyway, I know this is a pretty rambling post and I forgot some things, but I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so lost and I think she is too. Do I just keep going no contact and hope that she realizes what has happened, or do I try to reach out? I don't know if she's still seeing this guy, and if she is, is it just a rebound? I can't stand being away from her, and not knowing what she's thinking is killing me. Any input will be appreciated and thanks for reading all of this.

 

Her words and actions match up pretty well. She wants to date other people and see what is out there, and gave you the false hope that maybe something could happen in the future between the two of you. You hang on if she needs you while she goes off and does her own thing. If you can accept that then you wait, if not then you move on.

 

As "perfect" as you think you were for each other, she doesn't agree. She was unhappy with the relationship and thought that the grass would be greener somewhere else... and it usually is. Her words show that she felt smothered and the way you write show that it is probably the case. The two of you did not match up, you have the square peg round hole syndrome.

[offcloudnine]

@hossafer

 

Your story almost describes exactly what happened to me recently with my girlfriend. The only difference is that she hasn't started dating anyone yet and I can totally understand the devastation that I will feel if she does.

 

Also we are younger than you and your ex, in our early 20s to be exact.

 

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this, no one should have to

[Eddie Edirol]

She didnt fall out of love all of a sudden, she fell out of love probably at least 6 months ago. You just have to figure out what you might have done to make her lose her attraction. It wont start coming to you for another month or two, but you will soon realize what you did, and what she might have done or didnt do. If you smothered her, that will do it. if you werent romantic enough, or you too her for granted, if she asked you for things and you didnt do them. Its probablty a laundry list of things. But when she tells you "She thinks we got too comfortable with each other and lost our individuality by being too dependent on each other", thats BS. People lie during breakups to spare themselves, and to keep you in the dark.

 

She probably had a laundry list of problems with you and didnt want to fix them, so she isnt disclosing the real reasons shes breaking up with you. Because if she is specific, you will just say you will fix them. But know this, she doesnt want you do, she isnt interested in this relationship anymore, and she has wanted out for months. You think you know her, but you dont anymore, she has faked it with you for a while. The point she broke it of is when she had enough. Her friends probably helped her along with this, and maybe she met someone when she went out and decided she needed new personalities in her life.

 

You think you can trust her, but you cant, not now, she is not the person that was in love with you anymore, you are a stranger now. She is over you, and all of her excuses, death in the family, job, stress, its all BS if she is dating new people. She wants to be in a relationship with someone new, someone who is nothing like you.

 

So you keep up NC, do NOT contact her for anything. Maybe when she cant get in touch with you she will miss you at some point, but dont count on it. Thats how it works, she has to think that you dont need her, otherwise she wont have to urge to come to you if she gets lost in the new dudes. Just so you know, when someone breaks off the relationship, they learn what they dont want, and dating new people gives you glimpses of new personality traits that seem better, so if they are better, theres no moving backwards. You have to be collateral damage in the meantime. You get to change and avoid the mistakes you made with new people.

 

You have to believe me when I tell you these things, because Ive been through it, and most of the people on this board have gone through it as well.

 

So dont contact her at all for any reason, it will only make you think of her more. Keep going out with friends, talk to new people (just to see new personalities, not to date them). You will keep thinking of her for probably the next year straight. But you have to trust me, you will come to realize that if she didnt want to fix the problems she had with you, she wasnt perfect for you, and she wasnt worth it. You will run into women that treat you better, and have personalities that fit you better. You will also come to realize that you dealt with parts of her personalities that you might not have liked, but you didnt have to once you meet new women. You dont want to meet them now, but trust me, Ive been there, you will understand soon.