bunnylover Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 9 months now. I became friends with him about 6 years ago, but didn't spend much time with him until the summer about a year and a half ago. It was during that summer that we began to like each other, but because of pointless drama caused by some of our immature "friends", we didn't officially begin dating until 9 months ago. The problem is, even though we were officially dating at this point, we kept it a private relationship because my ex-boyfriend (who used to be friends with my current one) didn't seem to be over me, and we didn't want to cause any drama with his group of friends. But now it's been over a year since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, and he even started dating a girl recently. So in my opinion, there isn't a reason to keep our relationship private anymore. Everything is going great with my boyfriend right now, but this is one thing that has been continuously bothering me. I was okay with it before because I knew he didn't want his friends to disapprove. But by now, should it even matter? I doubt any of the people we know would care anymore. All of the drama has been gone for at least the last 6 months, with the exception of my ex. But even he should be over it by now. So what gives? Why doesn't he want our relationship to be public? When we began dating, he told me that the longest I would have to wait for our relationship to become public was 2 years. I definitely think that we could stay together for that long, but I don't know if I want to wait that long for something this important to me. He won't hold hands with me or even walk very close to me when we're out because he doesn't want people to see and find out we are together. And even after 2 years, I don't know if he will want to make it public. What do I do? Do I wait until the 2 year mark? Or should I just give up? What could even be the reason he still wants our relationship to be private? Please give me some advice. :/
Cypress25 Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 When we began dating, he told me that the longest I would have to wait for our relationship to become public was 2 years. That's a damn long time to keep your relationship a secret. He should be proud to be with you, not trying to hide it. I smell a cheater.
norajane Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 What do I do? Do I wait until the 2 year mark? Or should I just give up? What could even be the reason he still wants our relationship to be private? Please give me some advice. :/ I don't think it even matters why he's keeping this a secret. Is there ANY reason that would make it ok? He wants to hide this relationship - this is a guy you should dump regardless of why he wants to hide the relationship. Start dating outside your current social circle.
veggirl Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 Holy COW. Keep your relationship a secret for 2 years?! For why again?! :eek: I wouldn't put up with that for 2 months, much less 2 years. That is appallingly disrespectful to you! Are you sure you two are actually exclusive and he isn't seeing other girls? How do you act in public when you are with your friends? You can't hold hands or hug or kiss? I'm sorry but this is so out of the realm of acceptable. I would dump him IMMEDIATELY. At the very least, tell him go public or go home. Wow!
Oxy Moronovich Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 Who cares if the relationship is public as long as he loves you?
xpaperxcutx Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 Sorry, I would really question why you decided to agree with him about waiting 2 years. It seems weird and incredibly offputting to be with someone who can't even have the decency to acknowledge you as someone important to him. Never mind the lack of PDF, the fact that he's adamant about not letting anyone in your social circle know about the two of you just smells fishy.
veggirl Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 Who cares if the relationship is public as long as he loves you? Really? He loves her so much that no one can know about it, ever? Okay.
Author bunnylover Posted February 28, 2012 Author Posted February 28, 2012 Alright well it's not completely private. The people who are most important to me, my closest friends and my family, all know about it. As well as some people who aren't involved with our old high school social group. His best friend and his family also know about us. The main people who don't know though, are two of his other close friends. And we hide it when there is a possibility of people from our high school seeing us. This used to be because we didn't want it to be spread to my ex, but now I don't really know. I am quite sure that he is not cheating on me right now, but the only reason I have come up with so far is that he wants to hide it so that when he finds someone better, he can easily be done with me without too many people knowing about it. :/ It doesn't usually bother me. I am pretty sure he does love me. He definitely does a lot for me. But every once in a while, when I happen to think about this, it makes me really sad. I'm sort of afraid to ask him about it since I feel like he would still definitely be against making things completely public. I don't want to cause an argument when everything is going so well right now.
FitChick Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 Why don't you be the one to make it public, but in subtle ways so that people notice. Be more affectionate with him around certain people so they start talking. If they ask if you are dating, say yes. It's the truth, after all. He won't have to do anything. Who cares if your ex finds out? You aren't responsible for his feelings.
norajane Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 You should never be afraid to tell your boyfriend how you feel and what's on your mind. You need to tell him what you want. 3
Oxy Moronovich Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 Really? He loves her so much that no one can know about it, ever? Okay. Growing up as a mama's boy, my old lady always was critical of the women I liked. Always. If I showed interest in a girl and she found out about it, she had some critical way of expressing her displeasure. She only wanted me to date women at our church, and even then they had to be women who were meek and dressed conservatively (we grew up in a strict, Protestant household). Worse still, grade school was gossipy. From elementary to high school, people gossiped about other people's relationships like it was the most important thing in the world. Even seniors gossiped about who the sophomores dated. All the relationship gossip about me went back to my old lady. She would make a negative comment about a chick I liked despite the fact that she had never even seen the girl. After high school, I broke from my mother's grip and dated whoever, but never told her. I know she wouldn't approve, so I never bother telling her. This has driven a rusty nail into our relationship, but what can I do? Plus, I learned adults gossip about relationships too. Today at work, I flirted with another co-worker, and some of my co-workers gossiped on and off about it for the full eight hours. They were making jokes about it and commenting: "Don't you think she looks a little too mannish? If that's what you go for, then go ahead. Personally, I wouldn't go for her." Me: "Personally, I didn't ask for your opinion. Can we talk about something else?" And they would still talk about it. As long as I can remember, I've hated people making comments about my love life. I like to keep things private. It's no one else's business. I sometimes get pissed when I think about some of the ladies I liked but declined to go out with because some of my friends and family would disapprove. Many people decline to date someone they like because they fear the disapproval of friends and family. In many cases, keeping things private is best for the relationship.
tigressA Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 Oh man. This is textbook. He has someone else on the side, no doubt about it. My ex pulled this same bulls*it on me, right down to refusing to be affectionate with me in public, and he had been cheating on me the entire time we were together. Dump him!
Million.to.1 Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 I don't think you should allow yourself to justify "not wanting to have an argument" as a reason for not bringing up something that is clearly bothering you. I agree that it has been long enough now, and you are not responsible for you Ex's feelings forever. If your boyfriend doesn't want to go public for some other reason, you should seriously consider calling it quits. But you must talk to him about it. Don't let your fear hold you back. If you stay in a secret relationship for too long, it's going to play havoc with your self confidence. Nothing compares to being with a man who likes to show you off. And if your boyfriend won't, there will be someone else who will. DON'T SETTLE. 1
veggirl Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 (edited) Growing up as a mama's boy, my old lady always was critical of the women I liked. Always. If I showed interest in a girl and she found out about it, she had some critical way of expressing her displeasure. She only wanted me to date women at our church, and even then they had to be women who were meek and dressed conservatively (we grew up in a strict, Protestant household). Worse still, grade school was gossipy. From elementary to high school, people gossiped about other people's relationships like it was the most important thing in the world. Even seniors gossiped about who the sophomores dated. All the relationship gossip about me went back to my old lady. She would make a negative comment about a chick I liked despite the fact that she had never even seen the girl. After high school, I broke from my mother's grip and dated whoever, but never told her. I know she wouldn't approve, so I never bother telling her. This has driven a rusty nail into our relationship, but what can I do? Plus, I learned adults gossip about relationships too. Today at work, I flirted with another co-worker, and some of my co-workers gossiped on and off about it for the full eight hours. They were making jokes about it and commenting: "Don't you think she looks a little too mannish? If that's what you go for, then go ahead. Personally, I wouldn't go for her." Me: "Personally, I didn't ask for your opinion. Can we talk about something else?" And they would still talk about it. As long as I can remember, I've hated people making comments about my love life. I like to keep things private. It's no one else's business. I sometimes get pissed when I think about some of the ladies I liked but declined to go out with because some of my friends and family would disapprove. Many people decline to date someone they like because they fear the disapproval of friends and family. In many cases, keeping things private is best for the relationship. C'mon Oxy. This is so not what is going on in OPs situation. Not wanting unsolicited opinions is one thing, what the OP posted is very different. I agree with you on the unsolicited opinions--thankfully I haven't come across that much in my personal life, and when people did have negative comments, they were generally right. So yeah I understand that general sentiment, but what the OP has described is not that at all. And TBH, if my BF said I love you but I don't want anyone to know, I would be pissed off, even if it was you lol Edited February 28, 2012 by veggirl
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 I think your ex-bf was a good cop out but now he's got something to hide or embarrassed to be in a relationship with you. Maybe he doesn't want your friends to know he hooked up with an ex of a friend from the group? I'm not sure, this whole highschool thing is kinda foreign to me, but I doubt that's the issue anyway. I think it's ridiculous that you'd be with anyone who wants to hide you in a closet somewhere and pretend you don't exist, or if you do only as a friend. I think that's at the very least highly suspicious...In fact it shouldn't have took you months to reveal your relationship just because of your ex-bf's feelings...he's got to get over it and it just makes it look even more childish because someone is eventually going to find out you were hiding it behind everyone's backs for so long. I don't think this guy values or respects you, which is the really the only legitimate reason a guy would want to hide you...other than being embarrassed by you which I think is disrespectful in itself. I don't know why you fail to ask him questions about this and not get a clear understanding of why he doesn't want to make it "public", are you usually this submissive and obedient to everything he does? If so, change it. 1
Author bunnylover Posted February 28, 2012 Author Posted February 28, 2012 The reason that we kept it a secret before was because my ex was one of my current boyfriend's closest friends. His group of friends had set their "bro code" that they should never date anyone one of the other three had previously dated. At that time, I agreed with his decision. I wanted to give my ex time to get over it, especially because he is one to spread rumors and try to make others hate us. I didn't want my boyfriend's closest friends to shun him for his decision to be with me. That's why I was okay with it. I don't know how they would react now, but I do think that if he cares about me enough, he should be willing to do this for me. So I will talk to him about this when he comes back from his Spring Break. I don't want to bring up something this heavy and ruin his trip. But he will be back in a few more days, and I will talk to him about this in person. Thank you all of you for your advice so far. I'd like to believe in him, so I'll do as much as I can until I really feel that I can't believe in him. I'll post an update after I talk to him.
CC12 Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 His group of friends had set their "bro code" that they should never date anyone one of the other three had previously dated. This is childish. But I can see it happening in high school. You're out of high school now, yes? Social expectations can and should change as you grow up. Hopefully his friends have matured enough to have let go of this "bro code" thing, but if not, that's their problem, not yours or your boyfriend's. Hopefully your boyfriend has grown out of it, too. Please do talk to him about this when he gets back from his trip. Ideally, he'll understand why you feel this way and will risk his friends being mad at him instead of making you feel unimportant. It's all about priorities. If he's resistant to letting it all out in the open, then that's a huge problem that says a lot about his character, and you should consider dating someone who doesn't place the fragile egos of his high school buddies above your feelings.
Alexanda Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 He is full of crap. Usually when people dont want a relationship to be public its a GIANT RED FLAG that means they are hiding something. You need to stop wasting your time and ditch this guy.
make me believe Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 Omg......how old are you guys? I'm assuming you're pretty fresh out of high school since you're so worried about what high school people will think of your relationship. That is just SO WEIRD to me. Who cares what other people think? If you are old enough to be in a relationship then you are old enough to deal with (and ignore, if necessary) other people's opinions about your relationship. Why on earth would you agree for him to keep it a secret for TWO YEARS??! I would never date a guy who was such a wimp that he wanted to keep me a secret because he was afraid of what his "bros" would think. Come on. You've put yourself in a really bad position, and now you're afraid to even bring it up to him & ask him for something as simple as ACKNOWLEGING TO OTHERS THAT YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP. Do you realize how ridiculous this is? He won't tell other people that you are his girlfriend. You can't even walk "too close" to him in public! Wow. Just wow! This guy DOES NOT love you as much as you think he does. A guy who is in love is proud of his gf and wants to show her off and tell everyone how happy he is. He doesn't HIDE his girlfriend and refuse to walk next to her in public for fear of what other people will think! In the future I recommend not letting your 'friends' and ex's dictate who you can date. And please, demand a little RESPECT from the guys you choose to spend your time with! This guy clearly does not respect you. I would be surprised if you're the only "girlfriend" he's hiding. 1
carhill Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 Backstory What's going to magically happen at the 'two year mark' to make this all OK? Great question to ask, along with the same question asked here, 'why?'. The person who knows the correct answer is the one you've been involved with emotionally and physically for nine months. Even if your ex and this guy were 'best friends', life goes on, especially when you're young and unmarried. Your ex has moved on; you have moved on. Your current BF IMO should acknowledge what exists in the here and now, right now. Help him do this by clarifying what you want, openly.
chelsea2011 Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 I'm sorry, but this whole thing reeks that something is up. Either he is cheating on you with someone else and is afraid it will blow up in his face or he is just not that serious about you. I wouldn't play games, nor would I make it easy on him. You need to confront him directly and let him know how this makes you feel and if he still insists then it's probably time to end the relatonship. Hiding you is not normal and if you continue to allow it, you will end up putting a major dent in your self esteem (if you haven't already). He needs grow up and see how this is hurting you and effecting the relationship overall. Being kept a secret just plain sucks. If he can't respect how you feel now, he probably nver will...especially if you just sit back and take it. If he cares, he will listen and work to fix the situation. If he doesn't, he will be defensive and fight you on it. Don't settle for it and definitely call him out on it. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
InJest Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 I think you should be ready to exit the relationship over this. As someone else suggested, start making it obvious, and if someone asks then tell the truth. If he has a problem with that, break up with him. Otherwise, stop bitching and deal with the fact that he's ashamed of you for whatever reason. 1
FitChick Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 The reason that we kept it a secret before was because my ex was one of my current boyfriend's closest friends. His group of friends had set their "bro code" that they should never date anyone one of the other three had previously dated. Before your boyfriend gets back, why not take an informal poll among his friends and ask them if they'd still be upset if something like this happened, considering the earlier boyfriend now had another girlfriend. If their response is positive, you have more ammunition when confronting your current boyfriend. Either he will breathe a sigh of relief and go public or be defensive, in which case you dump him.
Almond_Joy Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 Growing up as a mama's boy, my old lady always was critical of the women I liked. Always. If I showed interest in a girl and she found out about it, she had some critical way of expressing her displeasure. She only wanted me to date women at our church, and even then they had to be women who were meek and dressed conservatively (we grew up in a strict, Protestant household). Worse still, grade school was gossipy. From elementary to high school, people gossiped about other people's relationships like it was the most important thing in the world. Even seniors gossiped about who the sophomores dated. All the relationship gossip about me went back to my old lady. She would make a negative comment about a chick I liked despite the fact that she had never even seen the girl. After high school, I broke from my mother's grip and dated whoever, but never told her. I know she wouldn't approve, so I never bother telling her. This has driven a rusty nail into our relationship, but what can I do? Plus, I learned adults gossip about relationships too. Today at work, I flirted with another co-worker, and some of my co-workers gossiped on and off about it for the full eight hours. They were making jokes about it and commenting: "Don't you think she looks a little too mannish? If that's what you go for, then go ahead. Personally, I wouldn't go for her." Me: "Personally, I didn't ask for your opinion. Can we talk about something else?" And they would still talk about it. As long as I can remember, I've hated people making comments about my love life. I like to keep things private. It's no one else's business. I sometimes get pissed when I think about some of the ladies I liked but declined to go out with because some of my friends and family would disapprove. Many people decline to date someone they like because they fear the disapproval of friends and family. In many cases, keeping things private is best for the relationship. I don't know about this. My mother was overbearing, critical and nosy also. I dealt with alot of flack from her over my relationships, but that flack never ruined anything about the relationships. Those are two issues that are completely separate from each other. If you're happy with the person you've chosen, those in your environment need to respect that, whether they like the person or not. I don't think anyone should have enough influence over you to cause you not to pursue someone you want because they may not like it or approve of them. Who are they to determine your happiness at the end of the day? And if they can't be supportive of your happiness....how much do they really care about you anyway? I made it clear to my mother long ago that her displeasure does not mean she has any bearing over who I choose to be with or stay with. And our relationship is alot better because she respects that. Also, a happy relationship is something to be proud of. Most happy couples I encounter can't wait to talk about how awesome their partner is, and how happy they are. To the OP: Unless you thought your ex or his friends would take action against you or your boyfriend to ruin your relationship, there's no good reason for this relationship to have ever been private, IMO. It also sounds like you've now reached the point where you care more about the relationship than about how anybody else is going to feel about it. If your boyfriend isn't willing to put your relationship before the criticisms of his friends, then he either A) Isn't that serious about the relationship, or B) Cares more about his friends' approval than your happiness. Neither should be acceptable.
FrustratedStandards Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 I'll give it to you straight. The only time anyone keeps a relationship private is when they want to keep their options open. He isn't serious about you, and he doesn't want people to think so either. Keeping your relationship private doesn't ruin any other potential woman he could date, and that is why he is doing this. Sorry. 1
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