Titania22 Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 See, that's the thing, I have no problems with strangers. It's once I start trying to transition them into friends... ya know, be myself, instead of just polite and friendly... that things go off-kilter. Maybe my brain is just not wired like other people's. It concerns me that there is a difference in your mind between being yourself and being polite and friendly. I am thinking either you see yourself as NOT polite and friendly. or You equate "polite and friendly" to "agreeable and disingenuous".
verhrzn Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 It concerns me that there is a difference in your mind between being yourself and being polite and friendly. I am thinking either you see yourself as NOT polite and friendly. or You equate "polite and friendly" to "agreeable and disingenuous". The latter.
Titania22 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 The latter. Well, then that is the place to practice with your conversational skills. Practice injecting more of your true self into your conversations. I get this might seem hard at first. "Where is the line between being yourself, and not turning people off with your forthrightneous, but that's why you practice. Because sooner or later you will find just the right mix. Conversations can be polite without being superficial and dull I can assure you. And practice is the key. I rarely have dull conversations anymore, because i either opt out, or I inject interest into them (i.e. I make them interesting or entertaining to me). My problem now, is getting the other person to talk more, if they aren't meeting me on the same level of confident interaction. And let me say Ver, the being inquisitive is a great way to be, because you will probably end up being one of the most interesting people to talk to, and people love talking to interesting people.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 In what reality is a woman having smaller than average breasts equal to a man being 6'2 or having a MD? They are identical, in this context. They represent criteria. Minimum of B cup is your preference; requirement, even. You only like women who have this quality. You're entitled to that. And you ought to understand easily that other people have their own preferences, which are not subject to your judgement of whether they are worthy or reasonable ones. We like what we like. What is so difficult to understand about this? I'd get it if you had NO criteria and could not understand people who did. But you DO have criteria. I think it's just a sexist attitude of yours; you are fine with yours, but can't tolerate women having theirs.
Titania22 Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 They are identical, in this context. They represent criteria. Minimum of B cup is your preference; requirement, even. You only like women who have this quality. You're entitled to that. And you ought to understand easily that other people have their own preferences, which are not subject to your judgement of whether they are worthy or reasonable ones. We like what we like. What is so difficult to understand about this? I'd get it if you had NO criteria and could not understand people who did. But you DO have criteria. I think it's just a sexist attitude of yours; you are fine with yours, but can't tolerate women having theirs. Actually breasts can continue to grow throughout life, so it isn't exactly the same as height. I was an A cup somedude when i was 18-19, and then I was married (off the market), and I have had a D cup for years now. Just something to consider in your criteria.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I still see it as the same in this context. If you won't date someone who doesn't have quality A, it seems that it would be simple to comprehend how it could be that I won't date somebody who does not have quality B. Even if one of the qualities is very common, like a minimum B cup boobs, and the other one is pretty rare, like being an amputee. The essence is the same - neither of us is open to exploring a relationship with a person who does not meet our criteria.
Els Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 That's not true... Way back in the day when I was still dating casually, I PMed you and tried to start a correspondence with you. I was very impressed by the fact that you seemed relatively non-shallow. This is a rare trait and something I actively seek for both in people I date and socialize with. I had also seen your pics and thought you were attractive (though looks don't matter to me). I am also into sci-fi and comic/geeky stuff, though not nearly as much as some. Even though it was an EXTREME long shot to connect with someone from a message board (especially one where I've aired my dirty laundry and most pessimistic attitudes) I'd venture to guess that I'd be interested in you if this was real life. Of course, this was before I realized you have some serious (but very repairable) self-esteem issues. Anyway, I've got a gal now. PM me and I'll show you a pic. If this is true, V, I think you should be reconsidering what you are saying.
verhrzn Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 If this is true, V, I think you should be reconsidering what you are saying. Which part?
Els Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 The part where you claimed no guys had ever demonstrated interest in you online, except a 90-yo black guy. Unless jobaba is 90 yo and black.
verhrzn Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 The part where you claimed no guys had ever demonstrated interest in you online, except a 90-yo black guy. Unless jobaba is 90 yo and black. Fine, a 90 year old black guy, and a anonymous forum poster who I think messaged me something like "hey you seem cool."
Author somedude81 Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Fine, a 90 year old black guy, and a anonymous forum poster who I think messaged me something like "hey you seem cool." And the guy who "wanted to be your friend."
Els Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Fine, a 90 year old black guy, and a anonymous forum poster who I think messaged me something like "hey you seem cool." Do you think that you could potentially be dismissing many other expressions of interest similarly?
verhrzn Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Do you think that you could potentially be dismissing many other expressions of interest similarly? I didn't realize "hey you seem cool" is an expression of interest. Does that mean all of the female posters who message me are expressing romantic interest as well??
Els Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I dunno about you, V, but if I was single and looking, I would definitely be following up a message from a guy that said 'hey you seem cool'. Of course, there's no guarantee it'd end up in a relationship or anything, is most likely light hearted flirting, but you seem to dismiss it without even thinking about it.
verhrzn Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I dunno about you, V, but if I was single and looking, I would definitely be following up a message from a guy that said 'hey you seem cool'. Of course, there's no guarantee it'd end up in a relationship or anything, is most likely light hearted flirting, but you seem to dismiss it without even thinking about it. .... To anonymous forum posters, who you have no idea what they look like, or if they even live anywhere near you. Do you respond to "hey you seem cool" messages on OLD sites from guys who live 3 time zones away as well? Sorry to be snappy, but I'm really pretty sure it still doesn't count as legitimate.
Els Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 So your gripe wasn't that 'nobody had ever expressed interest in you' via OLD, just that they live in different timezones and/or don't have pictures?
Author somedude81 Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Then what is something legitimate that an anonymous forum poster can do?
verhrzn Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 So your gripe wasn't that 'nobody had ever expressed interest in you' via OLD, just that they live in different timezones and/or don't have pictures? Uh, no. My gripe is that they've been anonymous forum posters. I require a little identity with my interest, because it could just as easily be spam.
RedRobin Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 .... To anonymous forum posters, who you have no idea what they look like, or if they even live anywhere near you. Do you respond to "hey you seem cool" messages on OLD sites from guys who live 3 time zones away as well? Sorry to be snappy, but I'm really pretty sure it still doesn't count as legitimate. Why not? What's it going to hurt to respond? It's no different than OLD with people who don't have pics. You could decide to share pics. From the sound of things, you already have at some point here. As for me, I doubt I'd share my pics with anyone. Not for a long time anyway. I'd have to know them pretty well. I don't have anything to hide and I like how I look. I'm just very private with people I haven't met in person.
zengirl Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Still sounds awfully quick . . . but understandable when you're confident of having a regular stream of opportunities. When you can't consider future opportunities to be a given, it casts a very different light on things -- you don't filter people out lightly. Even when I didn't have regular opportunities, I would see no point in going out with someone I knew I was not interested in. I have always had way better things to do with my time than fruitless dates (that I KNEW would be fruitless), even if I hadn't had a date in a long time. Brings up an interesting question: can you teach social skills? Or conversational skills? Yes. I work with Aspies, so I've done it even in an extreme spectrum. But I've polished my own social skills over the years too! I don't know if you can do it from a book. Some books might help, like the Dale Carnegie books, but it's mostly just practice. Also, how does one expand their socializing range outside of college? I do volunteering and book clubs, but I run into the exact same problems. When I was single and needed more friends, I went to dozens of different meetups (book clubs, girls clubs, game clubs, volunteer clubs, environmental clubs, active clubs, etc---anything halfway decent in my age range). You just get out and do things. I think being an expat was my social butterfly training---you have to be very proactive to make friends when most people don't speak your language, and you get used to it. I used to be TERRIBLE at it but am now really great at it, so change can happen for sure. You just have to push yourself WAY out of your comfort zone. Also, can I just make an observation how hilarious it is that you keep telling me to like myself, and then as soon as I reveal a personality trait that I don't have too much of a problem with (that I actually like about myself!), you take the first opportunity to tell me to change? I've always told you that if there are things you can change about yourself to improve yourself, that's great and that liking yourself doesn't preclude change. If you don't WANT to change this, then totally don't, but it seemed like it was something you thought you could not change---I was just saying that's not true. They are identical, in this context. They represent criteria. Minimum of B cup is your preference; requirement, even. You only like women who have this quality. You're entitled to that. And you ought to understand easily that other people have their own preferences, which are not subject to your judgement of whether they are worthy or reasonable ones. We like what we like. What is so difficult to understand about this? I'd get it if you had NO criteria and could not understand people who did. But you DO have criteria. I think it's just a sexist attitude of yours; you are fine with yours, but can't tolerate women having theirs. Right, the point isn't WHAT the preference is. It's that Somedude thinks women shouldn't be allowed to select their own preferences. He just keeps revealing more and more reasons why I am not surprised he's had trouble finding dates, honestly.
Els Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Uh, no. My gripe is that they've been anonymous forum posters. I require a little identity with my interest, because it could just as easily be spam. Shrugs, this is a forum where many people bare their true selves more than they would to, say, co-worker acquaintances. Unless someone messages me with something like 'Hey 21 yo guy in Florida looking for a fun time' or 'buy cheap Viagra', I usually give online acquaintances a response. To me, it's a 'why not' thing - if he turns out to be a no-gooder, no harm done, it just takes a second to respond. I know several people whose relationships started out this way, so I think you're unnecessarily cutting out a potential pool.
verhrzn Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 Shrugs, this is a forum where many people bare their true selves more than they would to, say, co-worker acquaintances. Unless someone messages me with something like 'Hey 21 yo guy in Florida looking for a fun time' or 'buy cheap Viagra', I usually give online acquaintances a response. To me, it's a 'why not' thing - if he turns out to be a no-gooder, no harm done, it just takes a second to respond. I know several people whose relationships started out this way, so I think you're unnecessarily cutting out a potential pool. The long distance, "I have no idea what you look like" pool??
Els Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 When I was single and needed more friends, I went to dozens of different meetups (book clubs, girls clubs, game clubs, volunteer clubs, environmental clubs, active clubs, etc---anything halfway decent in my age range). You just get out and do things. I think being an expat was my social butterfly training---you have to be very proactive to make friends when most people don't speak your language, and you get used to it. I used to be TERRIBLE at it but am now really great at it, so change can happen for sure. You just have to push yourself WAY out of your comfort zone. This sounds great. Mind me asking how you managed to pull yourself out of the zone? As terrible as it sounds, I've been in a new country for over a freakin' YEAR and ALL of my friends (yes, all), are fellow immigrants from my home country. :/ I would love to get to know the Caucasians here, but I just feel so weird around them. Different accent, different culture, I'm never sure if what I'm doing is okay or faux pas. And the college culture seems to be so much about drinking - I tried attending a few college events but they ALL turned out to be drinking, even the LAN gaming party was R18!! So I felt really uncomfortable and wandered away. I think the problem is that it's often easier with a friend or two to start you off. Like, both of you try to join a new club together and make new friends together. Whereas if you're doing it alone, you often feel left out and awkward. I do, at least. Right, the point isn't WHAT the preference is. It's that Somedude thinks women shouldn't be allowed to select their own preferences. He just keeps revealing more and more reasons why I am not surprised he's had trouble finding dates, honestly. Sadly, it feels the same to me. He started out coming off as a really nice guy, and I wondered why no girls would give him a chance. Truth be told, if I hadn't been in an R, I would have considered sneakily messaging him, way back when. But as more and more is revealed, I, like you, began to understand. Hopefully he'll snap out of it someday.
Els Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 The long distance, "I have no idea what you look like" pool?? Yup, a relationship with an ex of mine started out that way. It ultimately didn't work out, but I learnt a lot about myself and men, and had a huge boost of self-esteem along the way. Of course, we Skyped, cammed, etc, a few weeks into it, and arranged to meet up ASAP, but when it started, it was literally a conversation with an online acquaintance whom I did not know how he looked like.
xxoo Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 The long distance, "I have no idea what you look like" pool?? You'd know what he looked like after exchanging pics, or skyping. And I know several people who met and married after making online connections! Long distance, even! V, many men here have expressed interest. You always have a reason that their interest doesn't count. 1
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