Required reading for male dumpees

[NeverAgainDC]

I'm new to the site after having suffered a painful breakup. I came across this article and it really caught my attention. I suggest that male dumpees read it and take what it says to heart.

 

Why Getting Dumped Could Be The Best Thing That

[Exit]

That sounds awfully familiar, I must have read it before during one of my various stages of depression. Some parts of it are difficult to read, a sure sign that it is true. I know I'm guilty of this, and I know it's part of why I want my ex back so badly too. I've let control of my own life slip away from me, and all I'm left with is a pile of crap, and I need to figure out how to turn it into a life again.

[Mack05]

I don’t agree with this completely. I understand what the article is saying and I agree with the principal that a man needs internal happiness, before embarking on a relationship. I also agree that confidence attracts women, like bee’s to honey. BUT no person is completely responsible for a relationship breakup (no matter how bad their confidence is). It takes two.

 

The article makes some good points. Points I have taken on board in my own life, BUT no way am I fully responsible for my last breakup(s). It’s just about reaching acceptance that you don’t belong together. Like two pieces of a jigsaw that look like they should fit. It looks for all intentional proposes it’s the missing piece to the puzzle, but when you try piece them together it just doesn’t fit smoothly. It doesn’t connect the way it should. You then force it and force it, but still it doesn’t fit the way it should.

 

These relationships are so hard to get over. I loved my ex with all my heart. I’d have probably kept forcing it until I made it fit, but my ex is a wise woman and realised that all this forcing was making her deeply unhappy. I guess with the right people you never really have to force it, but then again I know some couples that eventually figured it out after an early struggle. Love is a tricky business for sure.

 

The point I am trying to make is while we are in some way responsible for a relationship breakup, the burden doesn’t completely fall on one person’s shoulders. Follow the advice in the article, but blaming yourself for everything can be very detrimental to self esteem. Understand and learn from the mistakes you made in the relationship. Forgive your ex for her mistakes. Then move forward with your life with confidence and optimism. That is very hard to do when you’re hurting so bad. It requires courage and self belief to pick yourself up when you are feeling so sad and low. Courage and self belief are attributes that we all have within us.

[NeverAgainDC]

I don’t agree with this completely. I understand what the article is saying and I agree with the principal that a man needs internal happiness, before embarking on a relationship. I also agree that confidence attracts women, like bee’s to honey. BUT no person is completely responsible for a relationship breakup (no matter how bad their confidence is). It takes two.

 

The article makes some good points. Points I have taken on board in my own life, BUT no way am I fully responsible for my last breakup(s). It’s just about reaching acceptance that you don’t belong together. Like two pieces of a jigsaw that look like they should fit. It looks for all intentional proposes it’s the missing piece to the puzzle, but when you try piece them together it just doesn’t fit smoothly. It doesn’t connect the way it should. You then force it and force it, but still it doesn’t fit the way it should.

 

These relationships are so hard to get over. I loved my ex with all my heart. I’d have probably kept forcing it until I made it fit, but my ex is a wise woman and realised that all this forcing was making her deeply unhappy. I guess with the right people you never really have to force it, but then again I know some couples that eventually figured it out after an early struggle. Love is a tricky business for sure.

 

The point I am trying to make is while we are in some way responsible for a relationship breakup, the burden doesn’t completely fall on one person’s shoulders. Follow the advice in the article, but blaming yourself for everything can be very detrimental to self esteem. Understand and learn from the mistakes you made in the relationship. Forgive your ex for her mistakes. Then move forward with your life with confidence and optimism. That is very hard to do when you’re hurting so bad. It requires courage and self belief to pick yourself up when you are feeling so sad and low. Courage and self belief are attributes that we all have within us.

 

Your last breakup sounds a lot like mine. We dated for two years and my ex decided that things just weren't going to work. We live together as well. I'm moving out tomorrow and we've both handled the breakup like mature adults. She was engaged once before and I really believe that she had a hard time fully committing wholeheartedly with me because she was afraid to go through the possible pain of another broken engagement.

 

But you're right, these are the toughest breakups. It's obvious that she still has feelings for me, but she seems too scared to trust in love and give it a shot. She wants to remain friends but I'm not sure that's the best idea right now.

[Mack05]

But you're right, these are the toughest breakups. It's obvious that she still has feelings for me, but she seems too scared to trust in love and give it a shot. She wants to remain friends but I'm not sure that's the best idea right now.

 

It's amazing how common that is. For me I don't believe my ex was over her last boyfriend when we met. The gap wasn't very big to them breaking up and me arriving on the scene.

 

I was going through a tough time in my own life. Therefore I can relate to the article you provided in the thread and why I also know I am not fully at fault. Whether I was at my best or not, my ex would have found it hard to trust me. That is from problems before we ever met.

 

I believe life is about timing. I think if I met my ex 12 months after we met, then it could have worked out. A big thing for me is my ex's refusal to admit the extent of her problems. If I was in any way negative about her, it was met with a wall of anger or quiteness. It was always my fault. Everything was blamed on my low self esteem and insecurites. That is why I am working so hard now on my flaws. I never want a woman to use these faults against me in a relationship again. It is why I will remain single for at least a year, if not more until I am 1000% sure I have resolved these issues.

 

I really wanted to help her, but the BIG problem in my relationship was that she didn't want any help. To more I would try to 'help' the more I pushed her away. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with my ex, but in my head there was and it was my job to 'fix' her. This behaviour is called 'enabling'. I bought a book recently called 'The Enabler'. REALLY eye opening. I didn't realise just how codependent I was. Go suck a lemon is also an awesome book that I am reading now. You 'enable' when you want to avoid dealing with your own internal stuff. The book is a great way of overcoming this kind of detrimental behaviour in a relationship.

 

So between my enabling and low self esteem/insecurity issues, I gradually pushed her away. I know I am trustworthy and a great partner, but she rarely got to see that side of me. Yes she has an inability to trust and she has anger issues, but the right guy will just get her. He won't need the help of books to understand her and he will approach her in such a way that she doesn't feel threatened and her trust will build slowly with him. I just wasn't right for her when we met. That's what I mean about timing in life. Between her issues and my issues our communication was non existent. Every fight was a drama and usually my fault. Mountain out of a molehill. So many times she would mis interpret/wrongly assume something I said and she constantly over analyzed every little thing. More often then not taking up what I said completely in the wrong way. At the end I was watching what I was saying, in fear she would either take it up wrong, or use it against me in an argument.

 

For me, I learnt some costly lessons. Copendency leads to Enabling. Insecurities lead to obsessing, low esteem leads to being single and sad inside. The article is a great article and I am glad you posted it. I just wanted to add, no one person is 100% responsible for a breakup..It always takes two..

Edited February 28, 2012 by Mack05

[NeverAgainDC]

It's amazing how common that is. For me I don't believe my ex was over her last boyfriend when we met. The gap wasn't very big to them breaking up and me arriving on the scene.

 

I was going through a tough time in my own life. Therefore I can relate to the article you provided in the thread and why I also know I am not fully at fault. Whether I was at my best or not, my ex would have found it hard to trust me. That is from problems before we ever met.

 

I believe life is about timing. I think if I met my ex 12 months after we met, then it could have worked out. A big thing for me is my ex's refusal to admit the extent of her problems. If I was in any way negative about her, it was met with a wall of anger or quiteness. It was always my fault. Everything was blamed on my low self esteem and insecurites. That is why I am working so hard now on my flaws. I never want a woman to use these faults against me in a relationship again. It is why I will remain single for at least a year, if not more until I am 1000% sure I have resolved these issues.

 

I really wanted to help her, but the BIG problem in my relationship was that she didn't want any help. To more I would try to 'help' the more I pushed her away. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with my ex, but in my head there was and it was my job to 'fix' her. This behaviour is called 'enabling'. I bought a book recently called 'The Enabler'. REALLY eye opening. I didn't realise just how codependent I was. Go suck a lemon is also an awesome book that I am reading now. You 'enable' when you want to avoid dealing with your own internal stuff. The book is a great way of overcoming this kind of detrimental behaviour in a relationship.

 

So between my enabling and low self esteem/insecurity issues, I gradually pushed her away. I know I am trustworthy and a great partner, but she rarely got to see that side of me. Yes she has an inability to trust and she has anger issues, but the right guy will just get her. He won't need the help of books to understand her and he will approach her in such a way that she doesn't feel threatened and her trust will build slowly with him. I just wasn't right for her when we met. That's what I mean about timing in life. Between her issues and my issues our communication was non existent. Every fight was a drama and usually my fault. Mountain out of a molehill. So many times she would mis interpret/wrongly assume something I said and she constantly over analyzed every little thing. More often then not taking up what I said completely in the wrong way. At the end I was watching what I was saying, in fear she would either take it up wrong, or use it against me in an argument.

 

For me, I learnt some costly lessons. Copendency leads to Enabling. Insecurities lead to obsessing, low esteem leads to being single and sad inside. The article is a great article and I am glad you posted it. I just wanted to add, no one person is 100% responsible for a breakup..It always takes two..

 

Wow. What you just described practically mirrors my last relationship. She didn't have anger issues, but she was extremely sensitive and did not communicate well which just festered until it all came out. I was also insecure which is something that I vow to work on until I will allow myself to date again. I don't want to keep making the same mistakes and ruin something with the woman who is meant for me.

 

I too believe, or at least like to think, that had I met my ex at a later time things would have worked out. Like I said in my earlier post, she suffered a tough broken engagement several years ago and it still affects her to this day. I was willing to work with her through it all, but she decided that wasn't going to work.

 

Relationships like these are the toughest to get over since no one party did something so horribly wrong to the other. She's my best friend and it hurts to lose her, but I also don't want to impeded either of our progress in the long run.

[Mack05]

Yeah me too mate, I was willing to stay till the end and work through our problems. To be honest I may need another year, to know the full extent of what those problems actually were. Time is amazing when it comes to clarity like that. When you overcome some flaws you tend to view the world very differently, from the way you once did.

 

You can only work at something though when two people recognise the problems in front of them and come together as a team to resolve them. If someone is very sensitive, it is very hard to do that. It requires great skill in communication, understanding and empathy (area's right now I am lacking in). Sensitive people view everything as an 'attack' on them. The book I am reading now 'The Enabler' explains why.

 

My biggest problem is that I think I have the solution for everything, when the harsh reality is I don't. I never walked a mile in my ex's shoes, or really tried to understand where she was coming from. If I did, MAYBE I could have communicated in such a way that she felt not under attack. But people with low self esteem and insecurities can become selfish, even if it is not in their nature to be selfish people.

 

I can't say for sure when my ex disconnected. Maybe after month 4 of 7 but who knows. I do know it takes two to make something work and if one person emotionally checks out then there is no amount of begging, pleading, promise of change you can do to get her back. Trust for them is huge and when its broken, the damage is usually irreversible.

 

What you need to do DC is just gain acceptance. Understand why the insecurities effected the relationship like it did. Don't worry about your ex. She will do just fine. Accept she has chosen to move on and respect her right to do that. Don't over analyze that decision. No good can from it. Just wish her well and bring it inwards. You are on the right track. So am I. Sure I hurt like bloody hell still, but my response to adversity and sadness is the correct one. Just took me longer then most to mature!

 

I think we both know we need to beat these insecurities once and for all. I have a funny feeling the way we communicate within relationships will improve drastically as a result..

Edited February 28, 2012 by Mack05

[NeverAgainDC]

Yeah me too mate, I was willing to stay till the end and work through our problems. To be honest I may need another year, to know the full extent of what those problems actually were. Time is amazing when it comes to clarity like that. When you overcome some flaws you tend to view the world very differently, from the way you once did.

 

You can only work at something though when two people recognise the problems in front of them and come together as a team to resolve them. If someone is very sensitive, it is very hard to do that. It requires great skill in communication, understanding and empathy (area's right now I am lacking in). Sensitive people view everything as an 'attack' on them. The book I am reading now 'The Enabler' explains why.

 

My biggest problem is that I think I have the solution for everything, when the harsh reality is I don't. I never walked a mile in my ex's shoes, or really tried to understand where she was coming from. If I did, MAYBE I could have communicated in such a way that she felt not under attack. But people with low self esteem and insecurities can become selfish, even if it is not in their nature to be selfish people.

 

I can't say for sure when my ex disconnected. Maybe after month 4 of 7 but who knows. I do know it takes two to make something work and if one person emotionally checks out then there is no amount of begging, pleading, promise of change you can do to get her back. Trust for them is huge and when its broken, the damage is usually irreversible.

 

What you need to do DC is just gain acceptance. Understand why the insecurities effected the relationship like it did. Don't worry about your ex. She will do just fine. Accept she has chosen to move on and respect her right to do that. Don't over analyze that decision. No good can from it. Just wish her well and bring it inwards. You are on the right track. So am I. Sure I hurt like bloody hell still, but my response to adversity and sadness is the correct one. Just took me longer then most to mature!

 

I think we both know we need to beat these insecurities once and for all. I have a funny feeling the way we communicate within relationships will improve drastically as a result..

 

It does take two to tango, as they say. I've accepted the reality of the situation and even told her that I agree that it's best that we go our separate ways. But now that I'm about to move out, she's become a lot more emotional about the reality and is asking if we can stay friends. I told her that we'll just take things day to day. I truly believe that I can't move forward if she's still in contact with me.

 

I applaud your decision of taking some time off dating to work on yourself. If only more people would do this, relationships could be much better. I'm going to do the same. Since the breakup (3 weeks ago) I've gone out and gotten a few girls' numbers but I think that it was more of an ego boost than anything. Realistically, I'm nowhere near ready to jump into another relationship right now.

 

Best of luck with your situation and it sounds like you're already well on the road to better times. One thing I've learned throughout this whole ordeal is that in the end, we're all we have. And if we neglect ourselves, we're left with nothing. I CANNOT be something for someone else if I'm not something for myself.

[leoc1973]

I loved that article because it is so true with my situation. I fell in love and my world completely revolved around her. The funny thing is that have you ever met a new girl and had her be crazy about you? Try to tell them that you are going to hang out with your friends or go to a stag or bachelor party or go watch a game with the guys. Most of the time they just wont stand for it. I actually have gone through the stages of the break up, hitting rock bottom and now am in the process of bettering my life.

 

Meanwhile, I met a new amazing woman. Last week I told her I was going to the bar to watch the game with a few of my friends. What did she do? she invited herself along. I didn't know how to tell her she wasn't invited so I let her come. Now this week coming up I have a stag party for one of my best friends. I told her I was going and I got the silent treatment for 2 days.

 

I guess my point is that its not all "our" faults. Most women out there when they meet a new guy that they really like want to be with us 24/7 so to avoid conflict we let them. Then 2 years later they give us the speech that we don't have any friends and we are smothering them and they need space and all that when they are the ones that chased our friends off in the first place.

 

I guess my question from all of this is how do we balance this. How do we "make them happy" while still not letting them become our lives when they are trying so hard to from day one?

 

Oh and don't anyone tell me that I am dating the wrong women and I need to find a woman that has her own life and is not co dependent and all that stuff because 99% of women do this. Think back of any girl that really liked you and how she reacted when you told her you were going to a stag/bachelor party. Did she tell you how "disgusting" it is? Did she insist on meeting you out after?

[NeverAgainDC]

I loved that article because it is so true with my situation. I fell in love and my world completely revolved around her. The funny thing is that have you ever met a new girl and had her be crazy about you? Try to tell them that you are going to hang out with your friends or go to a stag or bachelor party or go watch a game with the guys. Most of the time they just wont stand for it. I actually have gone through the stages of the break up, hitting rock bottom and now am in the process of bettering my life.

 

Meanwhile, I met a new amazing woman. Last week I told her I was going to the bar to watch the game with a few of my friends. What did she do? she invited herself along. I didn't know how to tell her she wasn't invited so I let her come. Now this week coming up I have a stag party for one of my best friends. I told her I was going and I got the silent treatment for 2 days.

 

I guess my point is that its not all "our" faults. Most women out there when they meet a new guy that they really like want to be with us 24/7 so to avoid conflict we let them. Then 2 years later they give us the speech that we don't have any friends and we are smothering them and they need space and all that when they are the ones that chased our friends off in the first place.

 

I guess my question from all of this is how do we balance this. How do we "make them happy" while still not letting them become our lives when they are trying so hard to from day one?

Oh and don't anyone tell me that I am dating the wrong women and I need to find a woman that has her own life and is not co dependent and all that stuff because 99% of women do this. Think back of any girl that really liked you and how she reacted when you told her you were going to a stag/bachelor party. Did she tell you how "disgusting" it is? Did she insist on meeting you out after?

 

I think it's all about setting boundaries from the beginning. Like in your situation, I would have politely told the girlfriend that while you appreciate her wanting to go the bar to watch the game with you, you're just going with your friends. I know it sounds "tough" or whatever, but you need to set those boundaries from the beginning so that she knows where you stand on things like that. And if she's really into you, she's be upset, but she'll get over it and accept it for what it is.

[NeverAgainDC]

Don't do the friends thing..It will lead to even worse heartbreak. For your own emotional health you need to fully disconnect as hard as it is to do)...

 

That's what I think as well. However, she's the one asking to stay in contact, etc. I plan on going NC as of tomorrow when I move out. It sucks because we've been totally cool with each other throughout the whole ordeal (dinners, gym) and we're best friends. But SHE is the one who decided that the relationship cannot work and she'll now have to deal with the consequences.

 

I went out last Friday until 3 a.m. and I walked in the door to her tears about me going out and moving on so easily. That's not healthy. It's also why I think NC is the best route for both of us.

[Cmac]

Some of this certainly rings true. I feel like I kinda defined myself by being in a relationship if that makes sense, like I lost sight of my own identity and instead just identified as being part of a couple rather than my own person. I depended on my ex for happiness I suppose. It's difficult to put into words, hope what I'm trying to say comes across. I also don't have many friends and don't have much of a social life, I guess I kinda feel like being in a relationship and having someone there who cared for me sort of validated me as a person. I've slowly realised these things even before reading this article, but this kinda reaffirms what I've been thinking about recently.