confused_abt_nc Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 My girlfriend and I had a massive fallout three days ago. She had been acting distant for several weeks because she needed time alone. It was because she was sick and not in the mood to meet. I know for sure there is no other guy involved. She stopped seeing me and preferred to communicate via chat messages. Couple things to consider reg. our chats - 1. she would usually initiate contact - like 75% times 2. she usually wasn't her normal self and was distant/cold Friday morning, we were chatting and I asked her again as to why she was avoiding meeting me even after recovering. She flared up and in colorful language told me she hated to even see me and it is basically goodbye. She said she had stopped loving me. We have never had a situation like this in the past one year we were together, so it is dead serious. Like a sorry a$$, I pleaded and cajoled and she ignored me. Later that evening, she asked if we could meet for a few minutes. She did not apologize or offer any explanation, but I swallowed my pride and begged again. She said she will talk again on Monday. I realized I had been a wussy and decided to go NC. On Saturday evening, she messaged a hello. I ignored her and there was no communication on Sunday. Today (Monday), she again sent a hello message to which I haven't responded. Now, we are obviously close to breaking point if not beyond. I love her and want us to be together. I was leaning towards sending a message saying "i agree we should not be together... i would like to meet to say goodbye". And then be on NC thereafter. Is this a good way to proceed or should I continue NC and ignore the two messages she sent? I really want her back. Thank you for any suggestions.
CaliBabe Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 Personally, I would implement NC right away, no goodbye text, call, meeting needed.
Philosoraptor Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 She told you she stopped loving you. The relationship ended at that point. There is no reason to meet though, it will bring you more pain and give you another opportunity to lose control and humiliate yourself as you feel you have already done. Personally I would send nothing at this point. But you will do what you choose to do. In the end at least try to keep your dignity.
stillafool Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 Absolutely. Proceed as if she were already gone because if she isn't in love with you anymore, what is there to fight for?
Author confused_abt_nc Posted February 27, 2012 Author Posted February 27, 2012 Thanks Cali. Basically, I humiliated myself when we met last and wanted to restore my pride by taking a clear stand. Hence the "goodbye" thought. How long is it ok to maintain NC? At some point, won't she think I've moved on and shut me out completely?
Author confused_abt_nc Posted February 27, 2012 Author Posted February 27, 2012 Absolutely. Proceed as if she were already gone because if she isn't in love with you anymore, what is there to fight for? She said she isn't in love but she was angry at the time. I am sure she still loves me, at least somewhat. I suspect she has been trying to wean herself off me by avoiding personal meetings. I tried a small test earlier last week. We work close by. I faked a massive headache and messaged her saying I badly need a coffee but had forgotten my wallet. Could she please buy me a cup? And yes, she came and we shared a coffee. It isn't conclusive by any means, but she did care.
radiodarcy Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 (edited) i agree with the previous posters that a "goodbye" meeting is unnecessary and that it's best for you to implement NC. i don want to ask - - i noticed you mentioned that she was the one who mostly initiated contact -- 75% of the time as you said - - do you think maybe she got tired of always being the one to initiate contact and that's why she started to get annoyed with the relationship? not sure how long you have been together but that may have something to do with it. just a thought. that being said - - even if she was annoyed about being the one to initiate contact she should have spoken up sooner before becoming withdrawn and then exploding. if that's the case then sounds like there are some major communication issues there. at any rate, i think you would both do better with some time apart. Edited February 27, 2012 by radiodarcy
stillafool Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 She said she isn't in love but she was angry at the time. I am sure she still loves me, at least somewhat. I suspect she has been trying to wean herself off me by avoiding personal meetings. I tried a small test earlier last week. We work close by. I faked a massive headache and messaged her saying I badly need a coffee but had forgotten my wallet. Could she please buy me a cup? And yes, she came and we shared a coffee. It isn't conclusive by any means, but she did care. See, this is always a problem with people. When someone tells you who they are and how they feel - believe them. You chose not to believe her when she told you she wasn't in love with you. Maybe that's wishful thinking. BTW, If anyone told me they had a massive headache and messaged me to bring them coffee, I would do it. Man or woman and I wouldn't have to be in love with them to do it. It is what kind people do.
Author confused_abt_nc Posted February 27, 2012 Author Posted February 27, 2012 i don want to ask - - i noticed you mentioned that she was the one who mostly initiated contact -- 75% of the time as you said - - do you think maybe she got tired of always being the one to initiate contact and that's why she started to get annoyed with the relationship? In fact, she was getting irritated with me always being around her and asked to leave her alone for a while. That is why, only during this particular phase, did I avoid initiating contact and let her do the contacting. Before this, we would equally initiate contact. not sure how long you have been together but that may have something to do with it. just a thought. A year now.
Author confused_abt_nc Posted February 27, 2012 Author Posted February 27, 2012 See, this is always a problem with people. When someone tells you who they are and how they feel - believe them. You chose not to believe her when she told you she wasn't in love with you. Maybe that's wishful thinking. I believed her when she said she needed time alone and gave it. Now I am believing her when she said she is not in love and hence I'm posting here. So yes, I am very much believing her. BTW, If anyone told me they had a massive headache and messaged me to bring them coffee, I would do it. Man or woman and I wouldn't have to be in love with them to do it. It is what kind people do. Point taken. Well ok, at least she doesn't hate me. Now I'm trying to figure out the best way to keep her or at least open a channel of communication so I can understand what got to her and try and fix it. Thanks stillafool, I appreciate and respect your advice. Not trying to argue or anything.
coopster Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 maybe she`s just tired of you being up and down and playing games?
Author confused_abt_nc Posted February 27, 2012 Author Posted February 27, 2012 She told you she stopped loving you. The relationship ended at that point. I think she has certainly tried to stop loving me and hence maintained the distance. However, going by her reaction, I think she hasn't completed the distancing part yet. She sort of exploded and blurted out the "i don't love u anymore", like a thought that was churning in her mind but perhaps had not yet crystallized, which she may have regretted later. Couple hours after, she asked to see me and then sent two messages on separate occasions. I'm probably an optimistic fool, but I think I still have a chance...
jus d'orange Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 I'm probably an optimistic fool, but I think I still have a chance... Your best chance at happiness is more important. You can't have a happy relationship with someone who says they don't love you (whether you believe it to be true or not). Cut the contact with her. If she misses you and wants the relationship back, then the time apart will hopefully have been a time where the two of you have stepped back, learned from mistakes, improved yourselves, and can give it a better shot. The relationship cannot continue in a healthy way as it is. Likely, she will not want the relationship back if she doesn't love you; you have only been together for a year. Nevertheless, space and time are what is necessary for either of you to heal and have a brighter future. You keep the No Contact until you've really moved forward from her -- that could be a really long time, I think. Don't assume after a week or two that you're ready to talk and try to win her back with all your improvements, because then you're still just dependent on her.
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