I dont think he knows what he wants...

[clin]

I meant my boyfriend on POF about 4 months ago. We've had a pretty normal relationship and we both thought it was going pretty good. We took things slow at first an took the time to really get to know each other before rushing into "love" After dating about 2 and a half months I told him I love him and he said it back and things continued to be good... Up until about 3 weeks later right after i moved to Ohio to be closer to him then crashed my car on the freeway. He kinda freaked out and I guess panicked, even though I was fine and I tired to reassure him I would figure out the car thing and be fine. So a few days after my accident he said he needed space/a break cause he couldn't handle the situation. He was still there for me, he still helped me out a lot and continued to emotionally support me (the best he could) But he did become very distant and I knew he was freaking out from the situation. So finally I moved back out of state (still only about 35 minutes from him) and got back on my feet and we took a week of NC (my idea) and he was the 1st one to contact me only 5 days later saying he missed me... And since then we have been going through a flip flop situation where one day he will text/call me and say he misses me and loves me, then another day he will act weird and not wanna kiss or hug.. He says he wants to take things slow and not put a label on it. Which is fine, I knew when I met him he had commitment issues and hes not gonna be ready for marriage and kids for awhile, which is fine with me cause im only 22 and I'm not ready either. I just dont understand what he wants and Ive asked him flat out what he wants/needs from me and it changes, one time he told me to just move on cause he doesn't wanna hurt me by making me wait til hes ready to be together again, other times he will tell me he loves me and he does want me hes just want to focus on school (I know he does care about me cause i know how he was with all his exes and if he didnt i wouldnt still be in the picture).... the last 2 weeks have been fine, its like things were before and he even tells me he loves me more than he used to and he we go on little mini dates and see each other 2-3 nights a week and he hasnt flip-flopped on me...

 

So basically part of me feels I should continue to do what we have been doing til he comes around and is ready to be with me again. But part of me is still hurting and afraid hes gonna do this again whether its 2 months down the road or 5 years down the road... I'm so afraid hes never gonna be "ready" and all this time, love, and wait will be wasted. Part of my heart is telling me to walk away and deal with the pain now so I can get over it and move on. But a bigger part of my heart and soul is telling me he is the one and I love him so much I just dont wanna walk away. I would walk away if the relationship was bad but my relationship with him is the best relationship Ive ever had, its the only normal healthy relationship Ive ever been in. He would never cheat, or hit me. He has the same goals in life as me. He doesnt smoke, drink or do drugs. He's in college, had his job for over 6 years. He's just all around everything I've ever wanted and he treats me so good and we click on every level imaginable. Hes literally my best friend and we are so close that I cant bring myself to walk away from him and our relationship only cause he has a fear of commitment and moving to fast.... As of right now we both decided to take things slow, not rush back into anything and see where it goes but its hard dealing with the pain I feel every day cause i have all these fears that something is gonna happen (hes gonna walk away, or start dating, or continue to do this and I feel like im being strung along so he can have his cake and eat it too) and Im gonna get hurt again.... Ive told him all this many times and I dont blame him for any of this, but I cant continue to tell him how I feel about this situation cause i know he's getting tired of hearing it and its just gonna drive him farther away

 

 

Any advice?

Thanks

[Philosoraptor]

He probably doesn't know what he wants. You moving closer likely made things "real" for him and crashing a car is no excuse to start questiong a relationship. It likely became an easy out rather than actually discussing the issues.

 

The truth is you are four months into a relationship and things were lovey dovey in the honeymoon phase. It seems to have ended for him. The back and forth is him being confused. He is unhappy within the confines of the relationship but doesn't want to lose the comfort of having someone. A fear to be alone so to speak... which is a very unhealthy thing but is something many people go through at one point or another.

 

Either way you are well more invested in this than he is so if you are going to wait, then I'd suggest spending that time apart bettering yourself and growing into a stronger and more self sufficient person. Sadly though he will likely leave at some point as he doesn't seem to have matured enough to know what he wants out of life.

[veggirl]

He definitely doesn't know what he wants. Which is fine because it's only been FOUR MONTHS. Nothing you posted indicates taking ANYTHING slow. I think you need to step waaay back and do the twice weekly dates and stuff...basically, ACTUALLY DATE before rushing into insta housewife / married couple type of stuff (ie moving in ) You need to make sure you have cultivated and are nurturing your life OUTSIDE of him as well.

[jus d'orange]

I'd advise that you take it slower for a while -- let things be more organic. Get to know each other more. However, if the issues of him not knowing what he wants / commitment issues continue... just move forward without him. If someday he wants you for real, he'll come looking for you. When someone has commitment issues, they can become buried, but they'll always resurface later. It sucks when you've had them tell you they're absolutely committed but the issues return years down the road.