2 Years Together.. Not sure where it's going.

[luna999]

Hello All,

 

I haven't posted on here in years but have always appreciated the advice and wisdom this forum has provided.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now.. it has been a great 2 years and I absolutely love him.. we have been on some amazing trips.. I absolutely love his family.. He is an amazing person and very smart, talented and just an all around good person. He has always treated me very well.

 

We have been having some issues lately because we have been talking about moving in together. This has brought up some issues with me.. We have talked about the future several times and he is very "not sure" about things in terms of marriage, etc. He says ideally, he sees that happening but is, "not sure what the future holds."

 

This kind of language doesn't really make me feel confident about moving in.. So I've been kind of reassessing things and trying to figure out if our relationship has just hit a rough patch or if things just aren't progressing any further.

 

The other night we talked about what we wanted from the relationship and what were some thing that we could do to spice things up and improve our overall relationship (we both agreed that things had felt somewhat rut-ish lately - specifically, sex has kind of dropped off and we haven't been going out & having fun as much as we used to). He basically wants me to be more cleanly and conscientious of the house when I stay over (which I have been trying very hard to do) and also to have more (and more adventurous) sex.

 

My requests were to spend more time together and not watch as much TV.

 

I am feel conflicted for the following reasons:

 

1. I feel kind of strange about his requests to improve the relationship: He wants me to clean more and have more sex with him. This just seems odd to me. I mean - I completely understand these requests but just seems odd that there aren't any more.

 

2. He has basically said that once we address the rut, then he will feel more confident about the future, etc.. and that right now there isn't really much else to discuss or work on other than making our day to day relationship better.

 

3. I feel like I am ready to make a commitment and he has expressed that this kind of frightens him but that he loves me and can't imagine being without me or a future without me in it.

 

All in all, I really really love this guy but I am confused about what is going on and whether or not things will progress. I feel like he does love me and wants to be with me, but that he is not sure if he wants that forever.

 

I know that he is a good man and I do love him .. I will wait for him as long as I can but at some point.. I know if things don't progress, I will have to move on! Please help!!!

[veggirl]

Don't move in with him! You will be basically trapped if you do.

 

Does he know you see marriage in the future? After 2 years, I'd be really upset with a partner who was wishy washy about that, at my age (late 20s). How old are you both?

 

What does "ideally" he sees that happening? What has to change for him to ACTUALLY see it happening with YOU?

 

I'd be very concerned. What if he never wants to get married? How long are you truly willing to wait? You need to figure that out and honestly be prepared to walk if he still isn't "ready" at that point.

[Ranchero44]

Don't move in with him! You will be basically trapped if you do.

 

 

Ditto!!!!! You may be even worse than trapped; you may be abandoned on short notice and up a creek financially, emotionally, and physically. I agree with veggirl; in most cases (not all) 2 years is ample time to decide whether you want to marry someone, depending on your ages (as veggirl also points out.)

 

GO WITH YOUR GUT. I hear you saying loud and clear that something doesn't sit right with you here. Listen to that! Moving in together almost never, ever solves existing problems; it only exacerbates them. Proceed with extreme caution.

[maybealone]

1. I feel kind of strange about his requests to improve the relationship: He wants me to clean more and have more sex with him. This just seems odd to me. I mean - I completely understand these requests but just seems odd that there aren't any more.

 

The more sex thing I can understand, but more cleaning? In his apartment? I... don't know what to say about that. I would pick up after myself, sure. I would occasionally clean his bathroom because my standards are generally higher than most men, sure. But clean his apartment? Uh, no. If you want a mom, call your mom.

 

2. He has basically said that once we address the rut, then he will feel more confident about the future, etc.. and that right now there isn't really much else to discuss or work on other than making our day to day relationship better.

 

If you want to stay with him, I would not, under any circumstances, move in with him until the "rut" has been addressed.

 

And, in my opinion, two years into a relationship is a bit soon for there to even be a rut, so maybe things aren't as good as you'd like them to be.

[2sunny]

If he wants it cleaner - he should clean it himself.

 

Or HE can hire a maid!

 

Where's his emotional connection to you?

 

I don't see it as a good sign that he unwilling to commit - yet holds back because he wants things cleaner and more sex!

 

He's not looking to get connected to YOU on a level that BUILDS intimacy - he's looking for a cleaning gal that will "service him the way he likes it" - I'm not seeing how that would make any gal feel loved and provide a fulfilling relationship.

[luna999]

I am 29 and he's 28.

 

He has told me that his ideal scenario is I move in, and in a few years he proposes if all goes well after that.

 

I wish I could get a more firm answer from him other than he does see us together at this point in time and that his ideal scenario is for us to get married, etc.

 

We were discussing all of this when the whole 'rut' issue came up .. kind of makes me want to just leave especially since its like pulling teeth to make him discuss marriage with me.. but at the same time he is such a catch and I do love him. it breaks my heart to think of giving up.

[norajane]

So you are feeling like something isn't right between you, and he wants you to clean more and have sex more often/more adventurously.

 

You want to spend more time together and watch less tv.

 

None of these things sound like very difficult challenges to overcome, if it's just that you're in a rut. You can get out of a rut.

 

But will these things really address the commitment issue you are concerned about? Did you tell him you are worried about his answer to the commitment question?

Edited February 27, 2012 by norajane

[veggirl]

I am 29 and he's 28.

 

He has told me that his ideal scenario is I move in, and in a few years he proposes if all goes well after that.

 

I wish I could get a more firm answer from him other than he does see us together at this point in time and that his ideal scenario is for us to get married, etc.

 

We were discussing all of this when the whole 'rut' issue came up .. kind of makes me want to just leave especially since its like pulling teeth to make him discuss marriage with me.. but at the same time he is such a catch and I do love him. it breaks my heart to think of giving up.

 

Ahh so you'll be tested for a couple years and hopefully you are a good enough wifey to pass his test and if so, he will reward you with a ring.

 

Honestly, my opinion is that he will NEVER marry you and he knows that. He will push it back and give excuses and probably start little fights to keep it from happening.

 

At your ages, he should know by now, IMO. Do you really want to wait 3 more years just to be single again? Why not just bite the bullet and leave now. I really don't think he has any intention of marrying you.

[Ranchero44]

He has told me that his ideal scenario is I move in, and in a few years he proposes if all goes well after that.

 

 

No, no, no, no, no, no, no . . . . now let me tell you what I really think.

 

There is nothing "ideal" about this scenario. Where does it leave you? He breaks up with you "in a few years", after he's taken his sweet time to work up the nerve to let you go and stop stringing you along, and by then, you are in your early to late 30s and back on the horrific dating scene.

 

I would not be preaching at you if I had not lived this exact scenario. It is wretched, and it is a huge waste of your time. Nuthin' but heartache ahead if you go down this road.

[norajane]

I am 29 and he's 28.

 

He has told me that his ideal scenario is I move in, and in a few years he proposes if all goes well after that.

 

I wish I could get a more firm answer from him other than he does see us together at this point in time and that his ideal scenario is for us to get married, etc.

 

We were discussing all of this when the whole 'rut' issue came up .. kind of makes me want to just leave especially since its like pulling teeth to make him discuss marriage with me.. but at the same time he is such a catch and I do love him. it breaks my heart to think of giving up.

 

Just saw this post - did you tell him you are worried about his answer to the commitment question? That moving in and proposal in a few years does not make you feel secure or comforted? That moving in without any kind of commitment is scary for you? That proposing "if all goes well" after moving in together seems more like an audition and playing house rather than giving serious thought to a future together?

 

Be honest with him. You both need to know what the other is thinking.

 

And do not move in with him. This has disaster written all over it, where you will be living with him, CLEANING up the messes, and waiting and waiting to see "if all goes well" according to him...only to find out that you just didn't clean enough to make him happy and he doesn't want to marry.

[xxoo]

I am 29 and he's 28.

 

He has told me that his ideal scenario is I move in, and in a few years he proposes if all goes well after that.

 

Be honest with yourself, and with him.

 

If you need more commitment before moving in together, honor that.

 

After 2 years together, he should know if he wants to marry you. If he needs a few more years, that's an answer.

[maybealone]

Ahh so you'll be tested for a couple years and hopefully you are a good enough wifey to pass his test and if so, he will reward you with a ring.

 

I'm sorry, OP, but this is exactly what it sounds like to me, too. This is some test to see if you are what he wants for a wife. In my opinion, moving in is what you do when you've already decided that marriage is likely the next step, not to audition for the role of wife.

 

I have not been in this situation and I'm not sure if he will ever marry you or not. But I will say that myself and many of my friends have been told by guys that they are not ready for commitment or scared of commitment or unsure as to whether or not they ever want to get married, only to marry the next girlfriend they have. A have read this a lot on LS and in my experience it's true: Oftentimes this means he isn't ready for these things WITH YOU.

 

You know him, I don't. Go with your gut, and at a minimum, have a lot of conversations to pin down exactly what he means. And don't move in with him, at least not until all of this is resolved in a way that makes you comfortable.

[2sunny]

Stay living on your own.

 

Start dating other men - men that find value in you - in marriage - and want to love you for the way YOU ARE NOW - not based on your ability to clean and have sex for their benefit.

 

This guy is selfish and self serving. It will always be about him wanting more - never about how to make YOU happy! Dump him - that way you can find a MAN more appropriate for what you prefer.

 

He needs aren't in alignment with yours...

[FitChick]

If the OP is a slob, perhaps he is testing her to see if she can "clean up her act." I wouldn't want to live with a slob. More adventurous sex shouldn't be a problem as most people fall into a rut.

 

However, I'd put a time limit on it -- tell him you will see how things go between the two of you over the next three months. Then you both can decide if you want to spend the rest of your lives together. Don't mention marriage. He'll assume you mean move in. After three months, if all is well, and he says you can move in, tell him you would love to once you are engaged with a ring AND a date because it will be easier to plan your wedding while you are living together. If he backs off, then plan to dump him immediately to shock him and go no contact until he proposes. If his family are on your side, they may give him the nudge he needs. He needs to realize if he loves you and misses you. If not, you need to find someone who does. Good luck!

[reallyhotguy]

There was an awesome post on this site once a long time ago, I wish I could recall exactly who wrote it. It argued said that "moving in first" is a sham. I think it ended with like "Is knowing where she likes to keep her pans really going to make a difference? If so, then you shouldn't be getting married." I had never really thought about it until then.

 

Then again, I don't think that means you shouldn't move in with someone unless you're married. It just depends on what your motivations are. If it's a "trial period" for marriage then it's probably a bad idea.

[luna999]

I will admit that I am somewhat messy.. I am not the neatest person and it's not like he wants me to clean up after him.. just clean up after myself and pitch in more. which I think is understandable and I've made a consistent effort to do so.

[Leigh 87]

I am mid 20's, and I have not been in a relationship for long enough, to figure out if the marriage time bomb should come up yet.

 

 

I am not sure that not knowing if him not knowing for certain about marrying u, is indivative that he is not trily in love with u, or does not ever want to take that step with u.

 

Ultimately, we do not KNOW him like YOU do; he might be totally blown away by u, and extremely happy.. but has never thought marriage was that important in general.

 

 

I have been 1 yr with my b/f - he is immature - ish and young in that regard, and does not want to settle down until he travels a lot more, and earns some money.

 

 

Say, in another year.... I might WANT marriange on the cards, and if his attitude is " I would love that one day, but not now; u never know what is around the corner, although if things keep going well we will obviously have no reason to part ways"

 

.. I would give him space, until he realizes if he misses me enough in his life, to realise I am the one he wants to marry. NOT ALL GUYS in their late 20's WANT to settle down; it may not mean they do not totally love you and wants these things one day, with YOU.

 

I would not give up just yet. After all, some guys just do not want to settle down, even after 2 years and in their late 20's. A lot do know by then, hwoever, not all men are the same way inclined, regarding marriage, kids, and settling down.

 

 

On the other hand: a lot of men WOULD know after 2 years, where it was going... it COULD be the case, that while he loves u, it is not the sort of love or type of relationship that is what he needs for marriage.

 

 

Lastly, while any of the above outcomes could be true, perhaps he simply is not sure about marriage in general; to him, it is a piece of paper, and he needs time to come around to the idea with ANY ONE.

 

 

It sounds like you want it after 2 years. MY suggestion: if are sure u want it, in your heart/ gut: tell him - look, I love u want want a future, and I want to know if u feel the same way about me just yet. If you rnot sure, I would like some time and space apart, so you can perhaps get a better idea of how you feel about marriage and a future with me.

 

To me, time apart will either make him realise he NEEDS you, and your the one he wants to marry; or, on the other hand, he might miss you, but still not know if your the one for him to spend the rest of hsi life with at his stage.

 

He could also realise your not the one for him. Be prepared for all out comes. Although, it may end well for you both:) Good luck whatever happens:_):)

[Ninjainpajamas]

If you keep reminding yourself of his qualities to stay in the relationship then you're just going to keep going in circles all day, because you're putting him as a person above what you two actually share together.

 

The man interpretation from my point of view is that he clearly does not want to marry you in the future, a man would know at this point...hell a man would know almost right away If you have everything he's looking for, that kind of connection or emotional level can't be bought or grown over time. So I think that even though you think he's such a great guy, It really doesn't matter, you're not going to make him choose you or feel more strongly about you than he does.

 

When he is asking you to improve the relationship by cleaning more and having more adventurous, he's thinking like a man, and for himself. Like... "what could I ask this girl to do that would make me happier or feel like It's worth marrying her...well maybe If she was more wild in the bedroom and was more cleanly then maybe I'd feel she was a better package"..but what would happen in the end is that even If you did that in the end he would say "You know what...I thought that would change things, but It really doesn't...I don't think this is going to work".

 

If there was some real or relevant relationship issue that was preventing you from being closer together like a serious personal or psychological issue, or issues with family, or living situation or something like that then at least you'd have something to work towards together and work on resolving. That would make sense If It was blocking the emotional freedom, but those high intense and loving emotions are there not trying to be earned, which is what he's trying to achieve internally so he can settle down with you...because I'm sure he eventually wants to settle down and have a family (if those are his aspirations for the future) but like all things when we say that, it always seems far down the road so there's no sense of urgency, you just kinda put everything on the backburner.

 

I think you're wrapped up into this guy to the point where you might need to move in with him, and have it blow up in your face in order to realize that this isn't going to work. You're still in a very resistant state, you keep telling yourself how great of a guy he is as if that is relevant, but in the end the you're going to find out one way or another that he doesn't really want to marry you and be with you forever.

 

I just hope you don't waste too much of your life holding onto this guy. I can have great relationships with women I'm not in love with, because it gives me the control and ability to be really rational about it...there might be a lot more drama in a real loving relationship, but that's because there are real and serious emotions involved as well. So you can't always judge the relationship by its peacefulness or general ok'ness.

 

What seals the deal for me though is what he's saying to you. It couldn't be more clear, he doesn't see a long-term potential with you, that's why he's not sure, that's why he doesn't want to talk about marriage, that's why you hit a wall with him at some point...not sure what you don't get about that. What you feel and experience in this relationship is completely different than what he feels and experiences, he may love you and care about you but he's not all emotional and in love doing these things with you, it doesn't compel him inside like it does you.

 

There is a part of him that knows you're not the one...It's just not there, so I wouldn't recommend you settle or try to make him either.

[luna999]

You might be right. I don't think I am so entwined though that I will waste my time with him any longer than I have too.

 

But there are many valid points here.. I feel like he is being self centered. Sex is his main concern but that is extremely important to him and he has told me that from the get go. it's important to me as well.

 

I think the bottom line is that while everything is calm and ok and on paper everything seems perfect, it's just not. He doesn't feel compelled to move forward and because of that, I don't want to either.

 

The more and more I think about this, the more I realize that he sees marriage as something 5-6 years down the line.. maybe it's just because he just doesn't see that with me.

[SJC2008]

He should know by know if you are marriage material if that's what he wants. The older people are when the get married the more likely it is to succeed. Why?? Because you know who you are and what you want out of life. I read somewhere that women (yes their are exceptions) do a complete 180 in values and maturity level at about age 24. I have found nothing in this regard to men. He's almost 30 and acting nonshalon about marriage because HE DOESN'T WANT IT. I'm 30 and somewhat freaking out because if I had it my way I would have been married already and don't want to be a 40 year old first time father. I know I'm somewhat young and will never force anything because of age but I do hear a clock ticking. If you want to get married analyize this hard, talk to your family and friends. Don't waste you prime years for someone who won't commit.

[ScienceGal]

I'm 30, and if my boyfriend of 2 years wasn't sure if he wanted to marry me, I'd leave. What is he waiting for? And, why are you waiting for him to figure it out?

 

If the relationship continues, this isn't the only rut you'll be in. Relationships go through rough times, but it's the unwavering desire to be together that enables couples to make it through. Both people have to want it, and to work at it. Both have to value the other completely and be willing to communicate and compromise. BOTH people, not just one, while the other goes back and forth about it.

 

Moving in together will not magically reinforce your relationship. It should have a strong foundation before you try to build on it. Don't move in with him until you've gotten out of this rut and the relationship is more stable. You deserve a real committment at this point.

 

Good luck.

[Leigh 87]

Do you see each other often? I moved in with my boyfriend well before as year. We do not like spending more than 2 days apart.

AFter 2 years, you should both NEED to see each other often.

 

SOme men hate the traditional ideals of marriage; the white dress, wedding in front of hundreds of people, the whole ceremony. A lot of men prefer to marry on a safari in AFrica, or in an exotic holiday on the beach with just them and their wives, or better still, SKY dive on their wedding day - literally make it the best day of their lives, in the way that suits THEM.

 

 

Does your boyfriend subscribe to the whole traditional wedding idea? Have you discussed it with him? Have you also discussed or considered:

 

- is he on the right path, career wise?

- does he wants to achieve certain things in his life before marrying?

- when he met you, did he express that marriage is not something he is averse to?

 

 

 

 

I WOULD HATE to advise you to break it off, when actually, he is in the minority of men, who just are not sure about the whole marriage idea, and do nto value it much, even if they really love their girlfriends. Some guys do wait extra long, just to be sure it is what they want. After all, it is marriage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WHY not have time apart?

 

 

WOuld you marry him? If it is what u want, have time apart, until he makes up his mind, Time apart will make him realise what he has.

 

He will realise, when he starts hanging out with other girls, if your the special girl he wants above any other tyoe of girl.

 

He will know if you two have something, that is special enough to keep, and consider for marriage.

 

 

I know it is hard:( I will be devastated if/when I break up with my b/f, we are so close. I feel very bad for you:(:(

 

It may seam EASIER to keep with your boyfriend - after all, you lovge him, and it is easier to stay with this; it is harder to leave, due to your hreart break and depression u will feel at first.

 

 

Just know; it WIL BE HARDER in the LONG RUN, if u stay with him JUST becasue it is easier to stay with him at this point!

 

 

 

You are not breaking up with him, you are just seeing what you both want.