Why do women put up with BS in their relationships?

[somedude81]

OK, I'm frustrated, confused, and maybe just down right angry tonight.

 

For the life of me, I can't understand why women tolerate BS, rudeness, abuse, emotional unavailability, withholding sex, whatever in a relationship.

 

It's not like it's actually hard to find another guy who wouldn't do those things.

 

If a guy doesn't make you feel good, why are you with him? Go find somebody who will.

[TheBigQuestion]

OK, I'm frustrated, confused, and maybe just down right angry tonight.

 

For the life of me, I can't understand why women tolerate BS, rudeness, abuse, emotional unavailability, withholding sex, whatever in a relationship.

 

It's not like it's actually hard to find another guy who wouldn't do those things.

 

If a guy doesn't make you feel good, why are you with him? Go find somebody who will.

 

Plenty of dudes put up with the same stuff. The answers are simple.

 

Their self-esteem sucks, they have mommy/daddy issues, it's all they're used to and they don't understand or expecting anything different/better in a relationship, and so forth.

 

And yeah, it isn't hard to find other partners who wouldn't do the same thing, but the emotional investment can certainly get in the way of just immediately tossing the relationship.

[somedude81]

Plenty of dudes put up with the same stuff.

Oh I'm not questioning why men put up with BS, but that's something for another thread.

The answers are simple.

 

Their self-esteem sucks, they have mommy/daddy issues, it's all they're used to and they don't understand or expecting anything different/better in a relationship, and so forth.

 

And yeah, it isn't hard to find other partners who wouldn't do the same thing, but the emotional investment can certainly get in the way of just immediately tossing the relationship.

All that their used to and don't expect anything better?

 

That just tells she's been in one bad relationship after another, so why not end it when things first start getting bad? Which I'm sure didn't take long.

[Ruby Slippers]

Here's why I put up with BS in past relationships:

 

• I was too young to know any better.
  
• I didn't think I could do any better.
  
• I thought he would change.
  
• I thought some BS is part of every relationship (kinda true, from what I see).
  
• I thought no relationship is perfect, and the benefits outweighed the drawbacks.
  
• I thought he was The One, and things would get better.
  

Now that I don't put up with any crap, I'm single a lot more often, and my dating periods are shorter. By my life has much less drama, and I get a lot more done.

[oldguy]

We are creatures of habit, or learned behavior, who generally seek out our comfort zones even if those habits & behaviors bring us repeated pain. Both men & women do exactly the same thing. Even when we cognitively reject a behavior as being bad or counter productive we will resort to it in times of stress or weakness because it is a learned behavior that has worked for us in the past or one we have seen used with some success.

Edited February 27, 2012 by oldguy

[verhrzn]

OK, I'm frustrated, confused, and maybe just down right angry tonight.

 

For the life of me, I can't understand why women tolerate BS, rudeness, abuse, emotional unavailability, withholding sex, whatever in a relationship.

 

It's not like it's actually hard to find another guy who wouldn't do those things.

 

If a guy doesn't make you feel good, why are you with him? Go find somebody who will.

 

I broke up with a guy who I thought was emotionally abusive and didn't treat me well. I'm still single, and he's upgraded to dating a hot, super smart nerd. So that whole "you'll find someone else to treat you better" isn't necessarily true.

 

Additionally, in my case, my ex had made me feel like it was my fault he abused me. That if I just acted better, and was a better person, he would stop the hot/cold behavior. In other words, even though he made me feel awful, I thought it was MY fault. It's actually very difficult to leave when you are convinced that you are the problem, and that you're the terrible person.

[Els]

I'm really not sure why you think it's so easy for women to find good relationships and so difficult for men, when for every woman in a relationship, there is also a man in one. Your personal experience does not negate pure statistics, SD. Unless you believe that men are generally much better behaved in relationships than women, logic simply does not allow your hypothesis to exist.

 

I do agree that both men and women put up with far more than they should sometimes. And sometimes they put up with a lot less than they should be prepared to in the case of LTRs. Basically, the balance between the two is a fine line, and while some extremes are obvious to most people (leave if there is abuse, stay if he/she gains 5 lbs), the rest of it tends to be a rather grey area. What and how much people put up with depends on many factors, such as self-esteem, priorities, tolerance, etc.

Edited February 27, 2012 by Elswyth

[zengirl]

Ruby's list is pretty definitive, and I don't think it's only women that stay in 'bad relationships.' Also, while sometimes there is just a "bad guy" (or girl) in a relationship, it's usually not quite THAT simple. Most dynamics are more complex than that, and many toxic relationships subsist because of an already-formed bond or idealized notions on both parts or just plain fear of being alone.

 

It IS just as hard for many women to find a good relationship as it is for you, Somedude. Heck, there are many women who haven't even been in relationships too. You probably just don't view them as dating material or notice them much. As Elswyth says, you have a skewed idea of how women can find relationships. Yes, women can get sex easier than many men, but relationships? Definitely not.

 

I think once I got out of my own way, I probably had it easy compared to most girls I know, and even I had a lot of struggles with frogs (many of whom are/will be princes for someone else, mind you) along the way. Women struggle in relationships too, and they are taught to require relationships even MORE than men are. A woman without a man is still viewed as 'sadder' socially than the other way around, though it's gotten better and permanently single women are less stigmatized now. And perhaps permanently single men are being stigmatized a bit more than they used to be, but we still haven't found it socially even. (Really, I think we should stigmatize neither in most cases, but that's just me.)

[stillafool]

Men put up with a lot as well. Just read around LS and you will see thread after thread about men who's girlfriends and wives are cheating on them, not interested in a relationship and won't return calls and texts. The question shouldn't be why do women put up with BS in their relationships, but why do people put up with such.

[Ranchero44]

One reason both men and women put up with BS? Refer to the thread entitled "Dating Sucks" elsewhere in the forum.

[fortyninethousand322]

I wonder about this all the time. I often look at men who are complete a-holes to their girlfriends and think "gee, I must be a worse catch than that guy". Not a big confidence booster let me tell you.

[make me believe]

I wonder about this all the time. I often look at men who are complete a-holes to their girlfriends and think "gee, I must be a worse catch than that guy". Not a big confidence booster let me tell you.

 

When I read threads on LS about the sh*t some of the women here are willing to put up with because they "love" their boyfriend and he's "such a great guy" (except for when he's being emotionally abusive/ignoring her/working on his online dating profile/etc....), I understand why guys get upset & say that women like as*holes. As a woman I get frustrated reading about it, so I can imagine how maddening it might be for a legitimately decent guy to read about someone who treats his gf like sh*t but she stays with him anyway.

 

I think girls put up with guys like that because of desperation, and it's often easier to just put up with a jerk than go through the process of leaving him, maybe moving out of a shared apartment, dating new guys, and so on. So, a combination of laziness, low self-esteem, an assumption that all relationships are like theirs, and fear of being alone. Blah.

[somedude81]

Here's why I put up with BS in past relationships:

 

• I was too young to know any better.
  

I have serious issues with that.

 

How old would you have to be to know that somebody is treating you like crap?

 

Why would you not take off as soon as things got bad the first time you experienced it?

 

• I didn't think I could do any better.
  

And this is the issue that get me the most flack on this forum. The belief that women have options.

 

So when you were in a bad relationship, you had absolutely no other guys interested in you? Or did they all seem worse than the current BF?

 

• I thought he would change.
  
• I thought he was The One, and things would get better.
  

I can kind of understand these. And I'm sure the guy wasn't bad right away, so you were in love and you thought things would get better. My guess is somebody in that situation, excuses a lot of crap because it doesn't seem like a big deal.

 

I thought some BS is part of every relationship (kinda true, from what I see).

I thought no relationship is perfect, and the benefits outweighed the drawbacks.

The outweighed the drawbacks? What benefits? And how could they be more important and stronger than the negatives?

 

Now that I don't put up with any crap, I'm single a lot more often, and my dating periods are shorter. By my life has much less drama, and I get a lot more done.

That's great.

We are creatures of habit, or learned behavior, who generally seek out our comfort zones even if those habits & behaviors bring us repeated pain. Both men & women do exactly the same thing. Even when we cognitively reject a behavior as being bad or counter productive we will resort to it in times of stress or weakness because it is a learned behavior that has worked for us in the past or one we have seen used with some success.

In order for something to be a learned behavior, you have to go through it several times.

 

When things go bad the first time, it's not a learned behavior. So why tolerate it from then on?

 

I broke up with a guy who I thought was emotionally abusive and didn't treat me well. I'm still single, and he's upgraded to dating a hot, super smart nerd. So that whole "you'll find someone else to treat you better" isn't necessarily true.

 

Additionally, in my case, my ex had made me feel like it was my fault he abused me. That if I just acted better, and was a better person, he would stop the hot/cold behavior. In other words, even though he made me feel awful, I thought it was MY fault. It's actually very difficult to leave when you are convinced that you are the problem, and that you're the terrible person.

That's pretty crazy, a total mind fu*k.

Ruby's list is pretty definitive, and I don't think it's only women that stay in 'bad relationships.' Also, while sometimes there is just a "bad guy" (or girl) in a relationship, it's usually not quite THAT simple. Most dynamics are more complex than that, and many toxic relationships subsist because of an already-formed bond or idealized notions on both parts or just plain fear of being alone.

Can you clarify that?

 

It IS just as hard for many women to find a good relationship as it is for you, Somedude.

When I see women who aren't single for longer than a month, then it's really hard to believe what you and E said.

A woman without a man is still viewed as 'sadder' socially than the other way around, though it's gotten better and permanently single women are less stigmatized now. And perhaps permanently single men are being stigmatized a bit more than they used to be, but we still haven't found it socially even. (Really, I think we should stigmatize neither in most cases, but that's just me.)

Perhaps?

 

How about this

 

There is no question which one is more stigmatized now.

Men put up with a lot as well. Just read around LS and you will see thread after thread about men who's girlfriends and wives are cheating on them, not interested in a relationship and won't return calls and texts. The question shouldn't be why do women put up with BS in their relationships, but why do people put up with such.

I already know that men put up with crap and being a man myself, I have a pretty good idea why they do.

 

But I'm not a woman, hence why I'm asking why women put up with it.

When I read threads on LS about the sh*t some of the women here are willing to put up with because they "love" their boyfriend and he's "such a great guy" (except for when he's being emotionally abusive/ignoring her/working on his online dating profile/etc....), I understand why guys get upset & say that women like as*holes. As a woman I get frustrated reading about it, so I can imagine how maddening it might be for a legitimately decent guy to read about someone who treats his gf like sh*t but she stays with him anyway.

Yeah, I definitely go through that. Mainly because I know that I would never do any of that sh*t to my GF. I just boggles my mind why anybody would want to hurt somebody they love.

I think girls put up with guys like that because of desperation, and it's often easier to just put up with a jerk than go through the process of leaving him, maybe moving out of a shared apartment, dating new guys, and so on. So, a combination of laziness, low self-esteem, an assumption that all relationships are like theirs, and fear of being alone. Blah.

If they're living with the guy, I can see how things might be a little bit harder to end it.

 

But all others no. Except for laziness and even then, how hard is it to end a new relationship.

 

Or is the fear of being alone that strong in women? Why when there is almost always another guy just waiting for her to be single.

[turt]

Or is the fear of being alone that strong in women? Why when there is almost always another guy just waiting for her to be single.

 

Some become very dependent and are afraid to live on their own.

[kaylan]

Simple answer OP.

 

Love and good sex can make one put up with BS.

 

Rhymes...holla lolz

[somedude81]

Simple answer OP.

 

Love and good sex can make one put up with BS.

 

Rhymes...holla lolz

That's actually not the first time I heard that sex could make women stay in a relationship.

 

And that just makes me shake my head.

[Cypress25]

Why when there is almost always another guy just waiting for her to be single.

 

Jesus Christ, somedude! You really need to get over this belief that every woman has a long line of available men just waiting to go out with her. It's not true. There may be a few women who jump from one relationship to another, but for most women, it takes a good deal of time and effort to find another partner. It's not nearly as easy as you think, so get your head out of your ass and stop insisting that women can have their pick of men. Most women are SINGLE between relationships, usually for several months to a year. They don't have other men lying around like spare tires.

 

As for your original question, it can be very hard to let go when you've already invested so much into a relationship and you're emotionally attached to your partner. You should understand that, since you've spent so much of your life pining after women who never even dated you in the first place. If you can get that attached to a woman without even going on one date with her, surely you can understand how women get attached to men that they've been romantically involved with for quite some time. There are very strong emotions involved.

[somedude81]

Jesus Christ, somedude! You really need to get over this belief that every woman has a long line of available men just waiting to go out with her. It's not true. There may be a few women who jump from one relationship to another, but for most women, it takes a good deal of time and effort to find another partner.

I'll believe it when I see it. And I have yet to see a woman who wants a relationship but can't find one.

 

It's not nearly as easy as you think, so get your head out of your ass and stop insisting that women can have their pick of men. Most women are SINGLE between relationships, usually for several months to a year.

That's because they WANT to be single.

 

As for your original question, it can be very hard to let go when you've already invested so much into a relationship and you're emotionally attached to your partner.

I really have no idea, but do guys who are bad in relationships suddenly go bad or were things always that way?

 

Like the guy in V's example, were things good for a year then he just changed, or was he always like that? If so, why get emotionally attached to an a-hole?

 

You should understand that, since you've spent so much of your life pining after women who never even dated you in the first place. If you can get that attached to a woman without even going on one date with her, surely you can understand how women get attached to men that they've been romantically involved with for quite some time.

That's because I've been dying to get a girl to love me since I was 13. I've always easily got attached to girls. Also it's freaking rare that a girl actually lets me get close to her. So when it finally happens I get stuck fast.

 

I really don't think that happens to girls for reasons I stated above.

[Gaby7162]

OK, I'm frustrated, confused, and maybe just down right angry tonight.

 

For the life of me, I can't understand why women tolerate BS, rudeness, abuse, emotional unavailability, withholding sex, whatever in a relationship.

 

It's not like it's actually hard to find another guy who wouldn't do those things.

 

If a guy doesn't make you feel good, why are you with him? Go find somebody who will.

 

to answer your question from my perspective and current experience, it's hard if you really care about that person. That's what i think .....

[xxoo]

That's actually not the first time I heard that sex could make women stay in a relationship.

 

And that just makes me shake my head.

 

Just go to the OW board, and look at how many of those women are stuck on the married guys because it is THE best sex of their life.

 

Intense sexual chemistry can hook men and women, alike. And a roller coaster relationship (lots of lows and highs) can intensify the sex. For a while, at least.

 

It isn't healthy, but it is fairly common.

[kaylan]

That's actually not the first time I heard that sex could make women stay in a relationship.

 

And that just makes me shake my head.

Guys do it too. Ive done it.

 

A physical connection is really powerful. Especially when the physical connection deepens an emotional connection.

Edited February 27, 2012 by kaylan

[fortyninethousand322]

Maybe you should start wearing a ring SD and make like you're married. That will get all the girls trying to pry you away from a fictitious wife.

[Stellar Wench]

OK, I'm frustrated, confused, and maybe just down right angry tonight.

 

For the life of me, I can't understand why women tolerate BS, rudeness, abuse, emotional unavailability, withholding sex, whatever in a relationship.

 

It's not like it's actually hard to find another guy who wouldn't do those things.

 

If a guy doesn't make you feel good, why are you with him? Go find somebody who will.

Many, sadly, don't think they deserve any better.

 

Or they are just too damn lazy.

[sigurpol]

Without getting into any differences between male and female, I would start to answer this by saying that if there was one universal answer that was totally explained (and correct), whoever was behind the explanation would be an ****ing millionaire. There isn't text-book reason that applies to everyone or as to why anyone, old or young, male or female, educated or uneducated, would stay with someone while they experience abuse.

 

In some cases, it isn't about the person who takes the abuse, but the person who supplies it. They're manipulative in that sense (check out the cycle of abuse, it explains it). You can be smart and vulnerable at the same time.

 

I guess my point is, there is an infinite amount of explanations why people put up with that crap. I had a friend who got married after he put with non-stop craziness with his fiance. I won't even get into the details. And they're married. Why? Because the parents of both parties reminded them how this marriage HAS to work. That they have no choice. So it wasn't even the mind of one of the parties, but families instead.

 

People will go into theories, personal accounts, and other first hand advice that might shed some more light on something like this. But I've always looked at it as, I can't put my head inside the head of the one being abused. Because if I did, I would be out of there in a second. So it would be unfair of me to beat my chest and tell this person that they should know better. Some people simply don't.

[stillafool]

Just go to the OW board, and look at how many of those women are stuck on the married guys because it is THE best sex of their life.

 

Intense sexual chemistry can hook men and women, alike. And a roller coaster relationship (lots of lows and highs) can intensify the sex. For a while, at least.

 

It isn't healthy, but it is fairly common.

 

Or the infidelity section of LS. It's incredible how much people will put up with.