DontWorryBHappy Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 (edited) So yeah.. I barely know what to make of wtf just happened. My boyfriend and I have been together for one month - he's 20 and I'm 22. I'll just jump right into what happened, and you can read a little more of the backstory afterward. Tonight he randomly texted me: "Do you still love me?" and immediately, I knew this was probably trouble. Mostly because, I honestly was not sure.... This week was racked with various heavy discussions and misunderstandings, and I had really begun to question whether I should continue the relationship. To be honest, I didn't know if I could really say I LOVED him still... I thought that I might have said it too soon, before getting to know him well enough.... Almost as if I had said "I love you" before working through some key things and really getting comfortable with him. And that's NEVER happened to me before (where I said "I love you" to someone then questioned it later). Anyway, the following ensued: Me: [his name]... can you relax a bit? (I was fearful at this point) Him: Who's to say I'm not relaxed? I just asked what was on my mind. Me: It's just those kinds of questions... Well, I'll say what I said before... I need to feel like I know where this is going before I'm sure how I feel. Him: So the love you said you had for me is gone? Me: I don't know...Remember I said I thought we moved fast. I want us both to step way back and get to know each other for real. (several minutes without a response... I start to think this is really bad) Me: Are you ok? (still no response... I'm thinking this is definitely bad) Me: Listen, I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. But in my opinion relationships aren't a black and white thing where suddenly you realize you're in love with someone... I felt I meant it when I said it, but I've realized that we were being a little fast. With the marriage talk, living together talk, saying we loved each other bunches of times a day. And then hearing you say that you weren't totally showing me your real self... I just need more time. And I think we both do. That's all I'm saying. Him: I don't want any drama! So don't say something then take it back after all that like it's an item you can return. Don't play with me. Me: I'm not playing with you. I'm trying to be honest . I felt I meant what I said at the time but now I've been confused and am trying to work through it. Him: You know each day I felt I was getting closer to you. But it seems I've only been a stranger from your eyes. Me: That isn't true. I am just confused and I need more time, that is all.. you are not a stranger, you are someone that I'm trying to get to know... We moved too fast... I tried to tell you that before Him: Why don't you figure out your details and when you're back to not being confused try being human to me and mean what you say. And not say what you mean. Me: I have felt that I meant everything that I have said to you... Including right now, and including the past... we have known each other for a short time... I can't be sure of everything right away... Him: Okay, you're drilling this into my head over and over. I get it. We moved too fast. You can stop saying it now. It's not a quiz that we need to study and remember. You don't have to include it to every other text you send. Me: Alright. Apparently I can't say anything right at the moment. Him: Look if you wanna start over fine so it be. But quit acting with me. Just try being yourself and maybe things won't go so totally wrong. Me: What does "quit acting with me" mean Him: Right now I'm just so hurt that it's just at the point where I just want to stop caring, because the more I care the more I feel like you're killing me. Him: It means don't say something and then take it back. Me: I don't want to hurt you.. And my intention was never to play with you.. I do care about you.. But I am not sure who you are yet.. You told me yourself you haven't been totally yourself.. I've been confused.. And it wouldn't be this way if it was more months along.. But this has been a short relationship... Him: Look I don't even want to talk anymore goodnight. Seriously I'm just sick and disappointed with myself for even trying to put up with you and then to hear you say all this. Me: You shouldn't have asked a question if you were going to fall apart if I didn't give you the right answer... That wasn't fair... Him: You know I listen to everything you tell me, I try to make you happy. But it doesn't seem to work with you like that. It just seems like I put in too much only to get back so less. Him: I've always tried to make changes in myself just for you. You ask for a lot and I never complain at all. I just say I'll work on it or I'll do it. Why can't you just accept me for me. I've accepted you for you! Me: It sounds like you want to break up. Him: No I don't want to break up. I'm just really upset that you felt this way all along and kept it away from me. Me: I didn't feel this way all along. And I don't even see how this can work anymore after you've told me all of this. And what's this crap about not accepting you for you? There's stuff that you have pointed out to me to work on, and I did the same for you. Him: So you don't see how what can work anymore? Be clear I don't want to jump to conclusions! Him: I've never judged you once. I was always proud of you. Even when you weren't proud of yourself. I looked up to you and what you've done from your past as you've told me. Five qualities I can point out about you that I've seen: Very intellectual, spirited mind, goal oriented, heartfelt person, down to earth. I've paid a lot of attention, only because I've tried all it is that I have to make this work. Me: Ok. But you also accused me of playing you just because I felt confused about my feelings. Not feeling very good either right now. Him: Just drop that. That's not the case here. What I'm saying is I don't want to lose you. Can we just start over? (collecting my thoughts) Him: I guess you're not gonna talk... goodnight. Before I go, just asking to be clear do you want to see me tomorrow? Me: I think after tonight, seeing each other tomorrow is a bad idea. We need time to think... Or at least I do Him: Goodnight .. Brief backstory: My boyfriend is 20 and I'm 22, and we have been together for a month. It moved fast. At two weeks in he told me he loved me and started talking about marriage. My feelings were slower growing, but I felt that I loved him maybe a week after he said it to me. Sometimes the marriage talk freaked me out, and other times I thought it was extremely sweet and awesome. But then we started having a bunch of issues and misunderstandings.... Many times it seemed like we really didn't understand each other. I would overreact to certain things and he would get frustrated and a little uncooperative about having discussions. I began to question if we had moved way too fast, and told him that I felt we both needed more time to really know our feelings. I also requested that we not talk about marriage and our future or any of that, because at one month in maybe we really didn't know enough about each other to know how we feel. So I know he fell apart here when he learned I wasn't sure if I loved him still... and it still seems that we wants to hang in there with me... But I feel like we're under a pile of rubble and I don't know how to proceed. What do I do??? Edited February 27, 2012 by DontWorryBHappy
Eclypse Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 Your boyfriend reminds me of me actually, I too got quite attached to my girlfriend... was the same age too. The marriage thing is obviously a little too fast but maybe you should give him a chance? You have a guy here who loves you very much and is willing to do anything to be with you. What's making you feel ambivalent about him? But then again, if you're just not feeling it with him there's no point continuing and you should just let him down gently without hurting his feelings.
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted February 27, 2012 Author Posted February 27, 2012 (edited) I guess I just don't quite understand why he got SO upset about this.... I mean, he said things like "don't play me" and that he felt "sick and disappointed for putting up with me" when I wasn't sure of my feelings..... I mean that comment hurts. Maybe I shouldn't judge though, because he obviously loves me so I know he was hurt. I do question his frustrations at times... I was on the phone with him yesterday and I wasnt in a "phone mood" or something, which happens at times with me.... and when I was being too quiet he told me the conversation was boring. Then later on I told him I'm bad at phones and that I'll start writing him emails. And he was like "wow, stop it".. and I didn't understand his frustration. He said he thought I meant we wouldnt talk on the phone anymore. That wasnt what I meant but even if it was, why get frustrated? I don't know if I'm overthinking all of this. In any case, I feel really bad for already hurting his feelings by telling him I wasn't sure if I truly love him. I still feel like I could, but I just need more time Edited February 27, 2012 by DontWorryBHappy
kiss_andmakeup Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 One month is awfully fast to be worrying about whether the other person loves you or not. This really doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. The level of emotional involvement for only having been together ONE MONTH is way too much. He said "I love you" after two weeks? And was discussing MARRIAGE?! Sorry but this would be a major red flag to me. I probably would have ended it because he sounds clingy, co-dependent and emotionally unstable. 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 You guys messed up, both of you. That whole conversation was way too much of a drama-fest to actually resolve anything, for starters. Beyond that, I can't imagine what would posses you to say "I love you" before knowing someone for even a month. You did, though. Of COURSE you are not going to be able to backpedal from that without creating a great deal of insecurity and probably just decimating the relationship. You had not developed enough between you to be "in love," and you certainly had not developed enough between you to survive the blow of your efforts at backpedaling from love. On top of that, your boyfriend sounds very insecure and immature, and that's probably normal for his age. Neither of you really sound ready for such a serious relationship. HE definitely moved way too fast, but you did too. I'm old, but I can't really imagine how I would handle being told that someone was in love with me and then being told that they moved too fast and that we needed to backtrack. I think I'd be out. 2
veggirl Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 One month is awfully fast to be worrying about whether the other person loves you or not. This really doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. The level of emotional involvement for only having been together ONE MONTH is way too much. He said "I love you" after two weeks? And was discussing MARRIAGE?! Sorry but this would be a major red flag to me. I probably would have ended it because he sounds clingy, co-dependent and emotionally unstable. Co-signed! You both sound VERY immature and caught up in a fantasy land. You barely KNOW each other at this point yet you are in love and talking marriage? Listen, at this point you should be in the happy, fluttering, getting to know one another stage. Not "under a pile of rubble". Just break up. It's been a MONTH, just...break up. And try to not race full steam ahead with the next one, it generally only leads to stuff like this! 1
dreamingoftigers Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 At this point in an R, neither one if you should be feeling sick to the stomach over the fate or the R or if the other really loves you. Jeez. This is surely a sign of things to come. As well, you both could benefit from learning assertive communication and empathy techniques. Very very much. Too many emotions and not enough regulation of them. Seems to be an earmark of young relationships though.
Author DontWorryBHappy Posted February 27, 2012 Author Posted February 27, 2012 thanks for the responses.... I know I got myself into a mess here. when he said he loved me then started saying it all the time, the second that I thought I loved him, I told him. I'm not sure that I can say it's never acceptable to say you love someone early.. It came back to bite me in this case, but in my last relationship I knew I was in love after a couple weeks and that feeling never faded. He text me today asking to talk, and said he is sorry for being angry last night.. And that he wants to start over and get to know me one day at a time... I'm not sure of what to do still.. Thinking about it.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 So you guys had this whole fight over text? I think it's irrational to have such an intense conversation over text, it's not practical and it's hard to assess any sort of emotional response. As for his behaviour, he's jumping into this too fast and expecting too much from you too soon. The one month mark is still the honeymoon phase and for him to act so emotional so soon tells me he's still immature when it comes to handling relationships. Tell him you accept his apology but that this relationship needs to slow down and build from a stronger foundation first before the need to bring ILYs into the factor. 1
Almond_Joy Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 So yeah.. I barely know what to make of wtf just happened. My boyfriend and I have been together for one month - he's 20 and I'm 22. I'll just jump right into what happened, and you can read a little more of the backstory afterward. Tonight he randomly texted me: "Do you still love me?" and immediately, I knew this was probably trouble. Mostly because, I honestly was not sure.... This week was racked with various heavy discussions and misunderstandings, and I had really begun to question whether I should continue the relationship. To be honest, I didn't know if I could really say I LOVED him still... I thought that I might have said it too soon, before getting to know him well enough.... Almost as if I had said "I love you" before working through some key things and really getting comfortable with him. And that's NEVER happened to me before (where I said "I love you" to someone then questioned it later). Anyway, the following ensued: Me: [his name]... can you relax a bit? (I was fearful at this point) Him: Who's to say I'm not relaxed? I just asked what was on my mind. Me: It's just those kinds of questions... Well, I'll say what I said before... I need to feel like I know where this is going before I'm sure how I feel. Him: So the love you said you had for me is gone? Me: I don't know...Remember I said I thought we moved fast. I want us both to step way back and get to know each other for real. (several minutes without a response... I start to think this is really bad) Me: Are you ok? (still no response... I'm thinking this is definitely bad) Me: Listen, I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. But in my opinion relationships aren't a black and white thing where suddenly you realize you're in love with someone... I felt I meant it when I said it, but I've realized that we were being a little fast. With the marriage talk, living together talk, saying we loved each other bunches of times a day. And then hearing you say that you weren't totally showing me your real self... I just need more time. And I think we both do. That's all I'm saying. Him: I don't want any drama! So don't say something then take it back after all that like it's an item you can return. Don't play with me. Me: I'm not playing with you. I'm trying to be honest . I felt I meant what I said at the time but now I've been confused and am trying to work through it. Him: You know each day I felt I was getting closer to you. But it seems I've only been a stranger from your eyes. Me: That isn't true. I am just confused and I need more time, that is all.. you are not a stranger, you are someone that I'm trying to get to know... We moved too fast... I tried to tell you that before Him: Why don't you figure out your details and when you're back to not being confused try being human to me and mean what you say. And not say what you mean. Me: I have felt that I meant everything that I have said to you... Including right now, and including the past... we have known each other for a short time... I can't be sure of everything right away... Him: Okay, you're drilling this into my head over and over. I get it. We moved too fast. You can stop saying it now. It's not a quiz that we need to study and remember. You don't have to include it to every other text you send. Me: Alright. Apparently I can't say anything right at the moment. Him: Look if you wanna start over fine so it be. But quit acting with me. Just try being yourself and maybe things won't go so totally wrong. Me: What does "quit acting with me" mean Him: Right now I'm just so hurt that it's just at the point where I just want to stop caring, because the more I care the more I feel like you're killing me. Him: It means don't say something and then take it back. Me: I don't want to hurt you.. And my intention was never to play with you.. I do care about you.. But I am not sure who you are yet.. You told me yourself you haven't been totally yourself.. I've been confused.. And it wouldn't be this way if it was more months along.. But this has been a short relationship... Him: Look I don't even want to talk anymore goodnight. Seriously I'm just sick and disappointed with myself for even trying to put up with you and then to hear you say all this. Me: You shouldn't have asked a question if you were going to fall apart if I didn't give you the right answer... That wasn't fair... Him: You know I listen to everything you tell me, I try to make you happy. But it doesn't seem to work with you like that. It just seems like I put in too much only to get back so less. Him: I've always tried to make changes in myself just for you. You ask for a lot and I never complain at all. I just say I'll work on it or I'll do it. Why can't you just accept me for me. I've accepted you for you! Me: It sounds like you want to break up. Him: No I don't want to break up. I'm just really upset that you felt this way all along and kept it away from me. Me: I didn't feel this way all along. And I don't even see how this can work anymore after you've told me all of this. And what's this crap about not accepting you for you? There's stuff that you have pointed out to me to work on, and I did the same for you. Him: So you don't see how what can work anymore? Be clear I don't want to jump to conclusions! Him: I've never judged you once. I was always proud of you. Even when you weren't proud of yourself. I looked up to you and what you've done from your past as you've told me. Five qualities I can point out about you that I've seen: Very intellectual, spirited mind, goal oriented, heartfelt person, down to earth. I've paid a lot of attention, only because I've tried all it is that I have to make this work. Me: Ok. But you also accused me of playing you just because I felt confused about my feelings. Not feeling very good either right now. Him: Just drop that. That's not the case here. What I'm saying is I don't want to lose you. Can we just start over? (collecting my thoughts) Him: I guess you're not gonna talk... goodnight. Before I go, just asking to be clear do you want to see me tomorrow? Me: I think after tonight, seeing each other tomorrow is a bad idea. We need time to think... Or at least I do Him: Goodnight .. Brief backstory: My boyfriend is 20 and I'm 22, and we have been together for a month. It moved fast. At two weeks in he told me he loved me and started talking about marriage. My feelings were slower growing, but I felt that I loved him maybe a week after he said it to me. Sometimes the marriage talk freaked me out, and other times I thought it was extremely sweet and awesome. But then we started having a bunch of issues and misunderstandings.... Many times it seemed like we really didn't understand each other. I would overreact to certain things and he would get frustrated and a little uncooperative about having discussions. I began to question if we had moved way too fast, and told him that I felt we both needed more time to really know our feelings. I also requested that we not talk about marriage and our future or any of that, because at one month in maybe we really didn't know enough about each other to know how we feel. So I know he fell apart here when he learned I wasn't sure if I loved him still... and it still seems that we wants to hang in there with me... But I feel like we're under a pile of rubble and I don't know how to proceed. What do I do??? Hi Don'tWorry, This is a real mess . I agree with some here in that you both were wrong to say "I love you" so early in the relationship. I made the same mistake in my last serious relationship (which brought me to LoveShack). At the time, I didn't think anything was wrong with it. I jumped into a relationship 2 months after I broke up and did the same thing again:-/. Like the relationship you're having now, that relationship hit trouble (and ultimately ended) in a month also. I realized, after that second breakup, that the phrase "I love you", for many, carries the implication that you know the person very well. It doesn't sound like that's where you were at with this guy when you said I love you in return - just that you really enjoyed being with him and loved alot of things about him. It's not really feasible to know a person thoroughly enough within a month to say "I love you." I think it was really mature of you to realize you made a mistake and be upfront and straightforward with him about your doubts. There's no way to have avoided hurting him in doing so. When you renig on love, it burns. I don't think it was fair of you to expect him to be in a state of mind to rationally discuss this at the time you told him, because he's very much in love with you. Of course he would be hurt and angry. Honestly, I think you've done all you can do. You explained yourself very clearly. It would be really great if he takes some time to think about what you explained and is willing to try and rebuild the relationship/start over. It's not highly likely though. If he chooses instead to accuse you of intentionally lying and playing with his emotions.....so be it. You can't really erase the hurt that's prompting him to make those accusations. Just learn from the mistake and be more cautious in the future about saying "I love you". It may feel awkward not to return the phrase when it's said to you....but it's better to be honest with yourself and take things slow than to have this happen again. It's perfectly OK to say "I love alot of things about you, but it's too early for me to be comfortable saying 'I love you.'" You can also have a discussion about what love means to the both of you. That would ensure that you both mean the same thing when you say it. I'd have been freaked out too if the guy tells me afterwards that he's not being his true self and then jumps to making plans for marriage. For him love = marriage. If that's not the case for you, you two weren't on the same page to begin with. I know this kind of stuff is always easier said than done, but I hope you two can continue to relate on good terms, whether it be in a relationship or as friends or whatever. Good luck!
sigurpol Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 To be honest but brutal: You are both too immature for a serious relationship. You are still developing communicatiions and empathy skills. That's an ok thing. Take your time in life..you have decades of living ahead of you. Your relationship is mired in petty word games, emotional power struggles, etc. Nothing is salvageable. I disagree with an above posting about being 'friends'...that will just draw out the drama. DOOMED...so move on. You seem like an intelligent woman so you will learn from this experience to be more certain of your feelings and expectations. This. You knew what was up, and you still do, by saying that you wanted time for things to slow down a bit. A few weeks, in you're early 20's, and already its talking about marriage? Give yourself a little freedom first. Don't file your life away just yet. But you know this already. Do not do the friends thing. Like Yukon said, this echos of a power struggle and shaky foundation.
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