Untouchable_Fire Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I think my xGF was emotionally abusive. I believe there is a good chance that is why I struggled so hard coming out of that relationship. Those who say women are not emotional abusers are full of crap. Just as many of them as the men. OP... if you feel like this guy is emotionally abusive... please take my advice and walk away. I spent 2 years with it... and 2 years getting over it. Even now it feels weird to have someone treat me good. Just pisses me off thinking someone else has to go through that.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 All of this because I, harmlessly, went out with 3 friend's and one of their boyfriend's, to which he was invited to! He literally made me feel, for a minute, that I was in the wrong. Can someone verify for me that I did NOTHING wrong?! I didn't even call him a single mean thing or get angry with him. I'm going to have to ask him to move out. I know I don't deserve this crap. He has nowhere to go right now. So do I make him get his stuff and get out right away, anyway? Or give him a time frame of when he needs to be out by? You are not wrong! He should have gone out with you... or politely declined and done something else. I would bet MONEY that he is trying to isolate you. What is making him upset is his inability to control you. He wants to remove your friends from the picture so that you are more dependent on him and so it will be easier to control you. He may do this subconsciously without really thinking about it. Don't fall into the trap of thinking he is just depressed because he has to live with your parents. That would manifest itself in a different way. This is abnormal behavior. You need to start getting out of this situation.
LZ2000 Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 (edited) It's not "just how men are." Good men can deal with hurt pride without lashing out at others. Not entirely true. Even good men can lash out at others. It's just they don't know any better or they have been tested to a point beyond their tolerance where they could explode. Just speaking from experience. My recent ex drove me past that point by making an accusation against me, saying that I did a despicable deed against her, which I didn't do. I had to leave her. It was a very horrible time, and in spite of all the things I did for her with 100% affection (and she was so incredibly stubborn and didn't live up to the words she speaks, which is questionable), she chose to say and accuse me of something like this. Needless to say, I was incredibly tempted to lash out at her, verbally. But I chose not to because I love her. I felt I was being manipulated and toyed around with. I had to go No Contact after sending her a stern but polite email saying that I didn't do what she accused me of. And then I just didn't contact her anymore, I felt my relationship was a hopeless cause. And guess what, I never heard from her ever again. Edited March 4, 2012 by LZ2000
gaius Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 Being a normal proud man doesn't include calling his girlfriend stupid, disgusting, a bitch, etc. Whether he feels okay or horrible about living with her and her mom, this behavior is unacceptable and it IS abusive. It's not "just how men are." Good men can deal with hurt pride without lashing out at others. He is trying to tell her he doesn't want to live there anymore. Why he isn't moving out himself, I don't know. But none of this is actually about her going out without him or not. Where you see abuse I see a conversation. And yes, the vast majority of men I know get resentful if you help them out and they have no way to repay you. It's normal. I don't know enough about you denise to comment or speculate. I have never seen you go into detail about your history and situation.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 He is trying to tell her he doesn't want to live there anymore. Why he isn't moving out himself, I don't know. But none of this is actually about her going out without him or not. Where you see abuse I see a conversation. And yes, the vast majority of men I know get resentful if you help them out and they have no way to repay you. It's normal. I don't know enough about you denise to comment or speculate. I have never seen you go into detail about your history and situation. I completely disagree with you. If he was upset about not having a place he would be focused on that and their fights should revolve around it. Additionally the words he uses are specifically targeted to make her feel bad about seeing her friends. This is an attempt to isolate. Why can't you see that?
gaius Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I completely disagree with you. If he was upset about not having a place he would be focused on that and their fights should revolve around it. Additionally the words he uses are specifically targeted to make her feel bad about seeing her friends. This is an attempt to isolate. Why can't you see that? And if people want to commit suicide they would just do it, it's not like they would point a gun at cop or anything. Suicide by cop never occurs.
denise_xo Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 I don't know enough about you denise to comment or speculate. I have never seen you go into detail about your history and situation. There is nothing you need to know about me. I was making a general, simple point: there is no excuse for using that kind of language against a SO. The OP has explained that this is not a matter of a single incident.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 And if people want to commit suicide they would just do it, it's not like they would point a gun at cop or anything. Suicide by cop never occurs. This isn't like pointing a gun at a cop. You are guessing that he is depressed and directing his anger towards his GF. That might be the case, but that doesn't make this type of behavior acceptable. Additionally, he seems to have a pattern of triggers that don't match standard depression. I find most guys like myself respond with much more apathy and irritability than outright hostility.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 4, 2012 Posted March 4, 2012 Where you see abuse I see a conversation. Are you being deliberately obtuse, or do you truly believe that a "conversation" about a guy's hurt pride and negative feelings could ever appropriately include calling his girlfriend crazy, stupid, disgusting and a bitch? I hope you don't. And yes, the vast majority of men I know get resentful if you help them out and they have no way to repay you. It's normal. Getting resentful is something I can understand. Reacting to ones own resentment by name calling and isolating your girlfriend - no. An emotion does not justify mistreating other people. 2
Author t0ri Posted March 4, 2012 Author Posted March 4, 2012 He could have also been less stubborn but his pride and making a point was more important to him. He can't get over something unless he vents out his frustration and disappointment first and likely will ruin the occassion if you let him. Which he will be very persistent until he does. Exactly. It's seriously ALL ABOUT HIM. He told me I should have waited to go until his clothes were washed, which he didn't even tell me about until I was already back home. He got up and went to work this morning and text me the following this afternoon: "I'm sorry if I hurt you last night. This isn't working though. I'm tired of being the only one who is sorry, and the only one who does any wrong, and not being understood at all. You are just as rude and you don't see it. I don't know what to do anymore." So obviously he's thinking of breaking up with me? I'm actually very understanding, and am the first to apologize if I did wrong, and am blamed for absolutely everything, while he acknowledges nothing he did wrong, or gives a quick sorry and expects me to "get over it." I really feel like I should be defending myself right now, when I know I've been a really amazing girlfriend to him. He was mad I went out with friends, but when he first started going out, he'd complain that I was such a home-body. He makes his own plans, and invites me along, but will go regardless, and I don't get bothered. He buys me things, then shoves them in my face later. (In fact, he blamed the fact that he couldn't wash his underwear the past two days on ME, because he was too busy "taking my a** out." I do think he'd rather move out right now, so I don't know why he doesn't just do it. However, I don't think the living situation reflects on why he got mad about me going out, and was nasty to me. I think he'd do the same thing if he lived in his own apartment. He doesn't like me to be at bars without him, yet he can go whenever he wants! Anyway, you guys get the point. Whoever said it, is 100% right - I cannot win. Does any of this have to do with the fact that I'm his first serious girlfriend? He's almost 25. Does his text today relay to you guys that he wants to break up?
somedude81 Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 He knows he screwed up but it sounds like he doesn't want to fully admit it. I also think he's considering breaking up with you. But most importantly, he needs to move out. It's not a good environment in the house for anybody with him there.
Author t0ri Posted March 5, 2012 Author Posted March 5, 2012 We barely spoke today. He didn't even remember what he did last night because he was too drunk, nor did he care to ask what happened. He opted to stay somewhere else tonight. Where, I have no clue. I don't understand how guys seem to flip a switch (seemingly around the 2 year mark) and not give a crap anymore about their girl. He got a job, a new car, and is making pretty good money although living with my mom and I, and all of a sudden he treats me like dirt. Awesome.
denise_xo Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 We barely spoke today. He didn't even remember what he did last night because he was too drunk, nor did he care to ask what happened. He opted to stay somewhere else tonight. Where, I have no clue. I don't understand how guys seem to flip a switch (seemingly around the 2 year mark) and not give a crap anymore about their girl. He got a job, a new car, and is making pretty good money although living with my mom and I, and all of a sudden he treats me like dirt. Awesome. What are you going to do about it?
gaius Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 This isn't like pointing a gun at a cop. You are guessing that he is depressed and directing his anger towards his GF. That might be the case, but that doesn't make this type of behavior acceptable. Additionally, he seems to have a pattern of triggers that don't match standard depression. I find most guys like myself respond with much more apathy and irritability than outright hostility. No, I am guessing that he was abusive towards his girlfriend because he knew that by doing so he would probably get the reaction he really wanted from her. Either broken up with or thrown out of her house. Just like a guy who points a gun at a cop. Are you being deliberately obtuse, or do you truly believe that a "conversation" about a guy's hurt pride and negative feelings could ever appropriately include calling his girlfriend crazy, stupid, disgusting and a bitch? I hope you don't. Getting resentful is something I can understand. Reacting to ones own resentment by name calling and isolating your girlfriend - no. An emotion does not justify mistreating other people. If you want to talk about being deliberately obtuse Mme, I have not said it was appropriate of him to say what he did. I said his feelings of resentment were normal for a man who was helped out financially by his girlfriend, and that he had a purpose in saying what he said to her. He is trying to tell her something in his own way and she is not listening. Honestly I don't know their situation well enough to know exactly what he's so upset about. Whether it's having to live with his girlfriend and her mom or he's just sick of the relationship and doesn't know how to break up. Either way she would save herself a lot of hassle realizing what he's trying to do and just get rid of him right now. It's what he really wants. Be very hesitant to help out a boyfriend financially in the future also. 95% of the time it doesn't end well. Denise being in the other 5%.
PinkInTheLimo Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 So obviously he's thinking of breaking up with me? Consider it a blessing. He feels he can't get a grip on you and that drives such a guy mad. And so typical: his behaviour is totally out of line yet he wants you to apologise. Kick him out of your mom's house. And read the books by Patricial Evans and Lundy Bancroft. You will recognise your story there.
PinkInTheLimo Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 I said his feelings of resentment were normal for a man who was helped out financially by his girlfriend, and that he had a purpose in saying what he said to her. The only feelings which are appropriate in that situation, are feelings of gratitude. If he feels resentment it's because he is a weakling with a fragile ego. But even in the case he has resentment, he has no right to talk to his girlfriend that way and if he talks that way, she should NOT listen.
PinkInTheLimo Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Does any of this have to do with the fact that I'm his first serious girlfriend? NO. He is a bad person and an anger addict. Maybe that is why he had his first girlfriend late. Break up with him. You don't deserve to be treated like this. This is going to get worse.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 It's definitely time to gather your strength and use it. Why are you even asking whether we think he is planning to break up with you? We are strangers. You are supporting a person who is not only ungrateful and rude about the help he's receiving, but abusive. YOU need to do something about it, and the number one thing is to tell him he can no longer live with you and your mom. Get your mom to back you up on this and to present him with the information with you. From all you have said, this guy is in NO WAY offering you ANYTHING positive, but the main thing to start with is to tell him to move out. He is a young healthy man, he will figure out where to land. I think you should just completely break up with him, but that's probably too much to hope for from the tone of your posts. But grow a backbone (your mom, too) and tell him to find another place to live.
Appleanche Posted March 5, 2012 Posted March 5, 2012 Consider it a blessing. He feels he can't get a grip on you and that drives such a guy mad. And so typical: his behaviour is totally out of line yet he wants you to apologise. Kick him out of your mom's house. And read the books by Patricial Evans and Lundy Bancroft. You will recognise your story there. Lundy writes a great book on abuse... I believe the title is "Why Does He Do That: Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". It is very good and will be a real eye-opener for you. It will put everything you're going through into perspective. Tell him to move out. Who cares if he doesn't have a place lined up? That's not your problem: it's not your responsibility to look after him. He is abusive. Drunkenness is no excuse for his behavior, nor is feeling crappy for relying on your girlfriend for housing accommodations. You don't need someone like this in your life. As far as whether it sounds like he is thinking about breaking up with you: yeah maybe, but just like everything else he says, I'll bet it's nothing but a ploy.. another tactic to gain the upper hand by making you stress out (which is exactly what you're doing). Don't give him that control... don't fall into his trap. Don't worry about what he is thinking anyway... worry about yourself and what you should be doing to get him out of your life. You can move on from him and things will get better even if right now you feel stuck. I empathize with you because I was in your shoes some years back and it took alot of faith in myself to finally leave him. Nobody deserves this abuse.
PinkInTheLimo Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Lundy writes a great book on abuse... I believe the title is "Why Does He Do That: Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". It is very good and will be a real eye-opener for you. It will put everything you're going through into perspective. That is indeed THE book you have to read about abuse. It helped me tons to understand what a past abusive boyfriend did to me. Abusers know what they are doing.
zengirl Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Yes, even good men could lash out verbally --- on occasion -- given truly stressful conditions. And they are contrite afterwards! They are sorry and understand why what they did was wrong and don't "excuse" the behavior by saying they had stressful conditions. They move to remedy the situation. Unlike abusers, they're not only sorry because they might lose their victim, but truly sorry because they said something ****ty. The difference is pretty evident after awhile. I don't think anyone's saying that people who say mean things are always terrible people. However, someone who has a distinct pattern of continually saying mean, cruel, terrible, hateful things and manipulating their partner is probably engaging in some emotional abuse and not just a "good man" having a "bad spell." OP: Your BF's behavior sounds like emotional abuse. Don't worry about why --- know it's NOT YOUR FAULT (and seriously say that Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting style to yourself till it really kicks in, because it is NEVER the victim's fault and, in times of abuse, the victim usually thinks it is on some level---that's why they take it)---and move away from the toxic situation. The only person you can save is yourself. The Journey is a lovely poem about realizing what to do about emotional abuse and toxicity (at least that was always my take). I particularly like the last verse: But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do -- determined to save the only life you could save.
pteromom Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Yes, he is abusive. And controlling. And yes, if you were to move into a place with him where he had more control, he'd be worse, and possibly even physical. You need to kick him out today and move on with your life. You can find a man who cherishes you. Another thing to consider is that he may have a personality disorder, such as BPD. I don't think we are allowed to link here, so you can do a search for bpdfamily and you'll find a site that is focused on those in relationships with people with BPD... read and see if you see your bf in it. If so, maybe it will help you choose a different type of partner next time, as there is sometimes a reason certain people are attracted to damaged people. BUT no matter what is going on with him, the end result for you is the same. You end up feeling confused and guilty about something you should not feel guilty about. You end up feeling beaten down and degraded and hurt. And like you can't just spread your wings and be yourself. You are in the best possible situation. You have your mom, you don't have kids or financial entanglements, and you have complete power to KICK HIM OUT. So use it! Good luck, and please report back. I want to hear about what comes next for you....
curlygirl40 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 I actually couldn't read everything you wrote because it was too tough for me to re-live it. You teach people how to treat you. Period. I married a man just like this. Some of the signs were there in the beginning but not all of them. It got MUCH worse over time. In my experience let me tell you this. He will not change without serious intervention. And to get that serious intervention, he will have to acknowledge that he has a problem. Something he will probably never do. I knew it was finally my time to leave when my now ex husband started turning his nastiness onto our children. Done!! There were a few books that I read that made me realize that the choice was simple really. Live like that for the rest of my life or leave and live the rest of my life in peace. I've been divorced now for 1.5 years. (married 18) I have never looked back and have no regrets about leaving. The choice is really that simple. Can you live like that for the rest of your life if you're considering staying with him? I think you can't. You shouldn't have too. You deserve much more. Maybe it will be a wake up call for him and he will get the help he needs so he won't inflict this pain on the next girl. But for the two of you, you've already set a pattern. It will be like moving mountains to change this behavior. Here is a book I would HIGHLY recommend: 'Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men' by Lundy Bancroft. If you only buy one book, get this one!! Actually, PM me with your address and I will mail it to you. I still have it and would love to give it to someone who could use it. I'm done with it because I will NEVER get myself in this situation again. I love myself too much. 1
curlygirl40 Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 All of this because I, harmlessly, went out with 3 friend's and one of their boyfriend's, to which he was invited to! He literally made me feel, for a minute, that I was in the wrong. Can someone verify for me that I did NOTHING wrong?! I didn't even call him a single mean thing or get angry with him. I'm going to have to ask him to move out. I know I don't deserve this crap. He has nowhere to go right now. So do I make him get his stuff and get out right away, anyway? Or give him a time frame of when he needs to be out by? I went back and read this post since I didn't read it before and had to comment. This is how it works. My ex would NEVER tell me what I could or could not do. But when I did something that he didn't like (something innocent really) he would make my life MISERABLE. I would think in my head 'well, I won't be doing that again' (even though I know I didn't do anything wrong!). That's how it works. He's conditioning you to act the way HE wants you to act. And when you don't act the way he wants you to act, he will punish you with his words and manipulate you into believing that you did something wrong when you didn't. Just to make sure that the next time he gets his way. It's sickening! By the end of my 18 years, we rarely went out with friends, we never had people over, my family didn't come over much. It was just the way he wanted it (and I felt like I was in a prison). He engineered our lives the way he wanted it. With his manipulating, controlling behavior. Then he would have the nerve to tell me that I 'always get my own way'. Apparently I was supposed to be grateful. Ugh!!! Walk away while you can, before you get married and have kids with this guy.
Recommended Posts