CarrieInNYC Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 I just found out that I make 3x as much money as the guy I've been dating for the last few months. I found out completely by accident (he's applying for jobs and asked me to proofread his resume and instead accidentally sent me a cover letter that included his salary requirements). It wasn't totally unexpected--I have a graduate degree, and he has a BA, and it's obvious from our relative job titles and relative living situations that I make more than he does. But neither of us is terribly familiar with the field in which the other works, so I assume neither of us had any idea (and I guess he still doesn't have any idea) the degree of the salary differential. Personally, I honestly don't care. I'm definitely not looking for a man to support me, and as long as a guy lives within his means and is reasonably financially responsible, I don't really care how much he makes. The thing is, I don't really know how he feels about the situation--or rather, how he would feel if he were aware (which I am pretty sure he is not). In terms of paying for things, after the first couple of dates (where he paid), we've taken turns, and he's never indicated to me that he was stressed/worried/couldn't afford whatever we were doing. But then, I don't know if he would speak up even if he were concerned. Knowing how much he makes and how much things cost around here, I am aware that can't have just a ton of extra money left over every month. Before I went to grad school, I had a much lower-paying job, and I often dated guys who made a lot more money than I did, and I let them pay for more things as a result. Now that the situation is reversed, I feel like I should be paying for more, though I have no idea how I could bring something like that up, or even if I should. I guess this is just a new dynamic for me, and I don't want to screw it up. Guys, have you ever dated a woman who make a lot more money than you did? If so, how did you feel about it? Do you think the fact that the woman makes more changes the situation with respect to who pays for what?
reallyhotguy Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 Hey you're at the right place. Welcome to LoveMansion! The going knowledge on this is that it's uncomfortable if the woman is making 30k or more than the man, according to our esteemed financial guru Star Gazer (this is not legal advice)
kaylan Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 ^ Lol....dont listen to him...hes the new resident funny guy. Anyways, look OP....if how much you guys make hasnt come up, and you guys both pay for your share of things, then everything fine. I mean he knows you have a grad degree, so he must know you make more than him. He hasnt made it an issue, so I think everythings fine. This thread is right on time, since a few of us were just in another thread talking about professional women with grad degrees and good salaries.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 Based on my own experience, I'd recommend keeping the subject of salary mum for as long as possible. No matter what the guys on LS say, in my experience, the vast majority of men are very threatened if the woman earns more or is more "successful". If I were in your position, I would continue to split things equally, I'd avoid buying him expensive gifts with a price tag he couldn't match, and I'd enjoy the more modest-budget things you can do together. I think the more attached the two of you get without him learning of this possible threat, the better the odds he can deal with it better down the line. Given that my business is doing so well and I just got an angel investing offer (!), this is a huge concern for me, too. 1
kaylan Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 Also OP, If you dont mind my asking, what do you do actually? And how much do you make? Im surprised a guy with a bachelors is making 3 times less than you with a grad degree. Im guessing the fields youre in, and the experience you each have, has some to do with all that.
Star Gazer Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 Hey you're at the right place. Welcome to LoveMansion! The going knowledge on this is that it's uncomfortable if the woman is making 30k or more than the man, according to our esteemed financial guru Star Gazer (this is not legal advice) I love you. P.S. It's not 30k for everyone (just me), it's 25%.
Nightsky Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 Also OP, If you dont mind my asking, what do you do actually? And how much do you make? Im surprised a guy with a bachelors is making 3 times less than you with a grad degree. Im guessing the fields youre in, and the experience you each have, has some to do with all that. She's probably some kind of government bureaucrat or in a field like medicine that is highly government funded. Maybe a securities lawyer...
kaylan Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 (edited) Based on my own experience, I'd recommend keeping the subject of salary mum for as long as possible. No matter what the guys on LS say, in my experience, the vast majority of men are very threatened if the woman earns more or is more "successful". If I were in your position, I would continue to split things equally, I'd avoid buying him expensive gifts with a price tag he couldn't match, and I'd enjoy the more modest-budget things you can do together. I think the more attached the two of you get without him learning of this possible threat, the better the odds he can deal with it better down the line. Given that my business is doing so well and I just got an angel investing offer (!), this is a huge concern for me, too. How old are the men you are dating? Guys my age, in their 20s, havent cared about that. At least my friends havent. They welcome a professional gal...and her finances dont bother them. I really think its generational, because Ive only heard older men express any sort of insecurity when it comes to a womans income. Maybe its just the company I keep is different....dunno. Also, the OPs guy already knows she has a graduate degree....so he must be able to deduce from that, that she probably makes more than him. Especially if hes not making too much as it is. Im 25 with a Bachelors and just graduated last summer. Given my lack of work experience, Id totally expect a chick who has her Masters at my age to be making a good but more then me. Like I said OP, in my experience, younger guys arent insecure about a womans finances. At least not the young guys I know here in NY. Edited February 27, 2012 by kaylan
Star Gazer Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 Guys my age, in their 20s, havent cared about that. At least my friends havent. They welcome a professional gal...and her finances dont bother them. I really think its generational, because Ive only heard older men express any sort of insecurity when it comes to a womans income. Maybe its just the company I keep is different....dunno. I don't think it's generational at all. I'm only a few years older than you. Moreover, when I had a problem with it, it was in my 20's. Men in their 30's actually tend to be less threatened by my income/earnings. But I do think it's you and the company you keep. Most men I know don't want a sugar mama.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 How old are the men you are dating? Guys my age, in their 20s, havent cared about that. Yeah, guys in their 20s don't seem to care much at all. They're much more like, "You rule! That's awesome." Which is great. But they're just not on my level of maturity, clearly not ready to settle down. I'm 35. Guys my age and older are almost always threatened by it. UNLESS they are super alpha guys who are no way going to commit to one woman until at least 40, or even later. So basically, guys in my ideal age and personality range (35-40, not alpha players) are usually threatened by it.
kaylan Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 I don't think it's generational at all. I'm only a few years older than you. Moreover, when I had a problem with it, it was in my 20's. Men in their 30's actually tend to be less threatened by my income/earnings. But I do think it's you and the company you keep. Most men I know don't want a sugar mama. I think it is generational. You realize how quickly gender roles and attitudes have been changing? Ten years is definitely enough time for thing to switch up. Ten years ago guys couldnt really get away with wearing skinny jeans and being metro without everyone labeling them gay. Also, back when my friends older cousins were dating in the late 90s and early 00s, they could never go dutch on date. Nowadays its more common. And who anything about a sugar mama? My friends and I dont see women who make decent or good money as sugar mamas. We are independent and want to take care of ourselves. If she has money, thats her money. However, if a rich hollywood type girl like Scarlett Johanson wanted me to be her sugar baby....I def aint saying no...lmao
Author CarrieInNYC Posted February 27, 2012 Author Posted February 27, 2012 I have an MBA and one of those job titles like "consultant" or "analyst" that doesn't mean much if you aren't familiar with the industry. He works in something or other having to do with computers that I don't really understand. I really know nothing about his field and had no idea how much jobs like his would pay (though obviously I was aware it would be less than I make). I'm guessing he's more or less in the same position with respect to my job.
kaylan Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 Yeah, guys in their 20s don't seem to care much at all. They're much more like, "You rule! That's awesome." Which is great. But they're just not on my level of maturity, clearly not ready to settle down. I'm 35. Guys my age and older are almost always threatened by it. UNLESS they are super alpha guys who are no way going to commit to one woman until at least 40, or even later. So basically, guys in my ideal age and personality range (35-40, not alpha players) are usually threatened by it. That sucks. Shame you couldnt have been born ten years later...then you be doing better. Youre spot on with what you say about our reaction to a successful chick. I always think its cool haha. You gals do rule. But I do admit I have some maturing to do =P
Ruby Slippers Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 I think it is generational. You realize how quickly gender roles and attitudes have been changing? Ten years is definitely enough time for thing to switch up. Ten years ago guys couldnt really get away with wearing skinny jeans and being metro without everyone labeling them gay. I agree. When I was in my 20s, guys in their 20s were a lot more old-fashioned about this stuff than the guys in their 20s now. And yes, they are so metro. I'm old-fashioned in my own ways, too. For one, I don't like metro style. Too bad for me, since I live in a big city where many men are more fashionable and use more personal grooming products than I.
2sunny Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 I don't think it's generational at all. I'm only a few years older than you. Moreover, when I had a problem with it, it was in my 20's. Men in their 30's actually tend to be less threatened by my income/earnings. But I do think it's you and the company you keep. Most men I know don't want a sugar mama. The only reason any man would feel "threatened" by anyhing - including money- is only because they are insecure! If they are insecure - I can't see a good reason to date them anyway... These days - whether any man OR woman makes more than another - there's really no reason why it needs to show or be obvious - unless to feed a big ego. A big ego never was desirable to me anyway! I know many - and even have many siblings who make a TON of money - always did- but you'd never know it. They don't flash or show their money... They save it a lot... And find other less fortunate people to give it to regularly... Anonymously. OP - just keep dating the way you have been... Since it doesn't bother you - don't worry about it! Have fun! 1
2sunny Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 I have an MBA and one of those job titles like "consultant" or "analyst" that doesn't mean much if you aren't familiar with the industry. He works in something or other having to do with computers that I don't really understand. I really know nothing about his field and had no idea how much jobs like his would pay (though obviously I was aware it would be less than I make). I'm guessing he's more or less in the same position with respect to my job. But he's looking for new job opportunities - and taking action to get something new - I like that!
Badsingularity Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 I hope my GF makes more money than me one day so she can buy me cool stuff.
Author CarrieInNYC Posted February 27, 2012 Author Posted February 27, 2012 And btw, I definitely don't flaunt it and won't be buying him expensive gifts any time soon. I'm digging myself out from under a mountain of student loan debt. That alone keeps our incomes more "equal" than they would otherwise be, at least until my loans get paid off (hopefully within the next couple of years).
kaylan Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 (edited) I have an MBA and one of those job titles like "consultant" or "analyst" that doesn't mean much if you aren't familiar with the industry. He works in something or other having to do with computers that I don't really understand. I really know nothing about his field and had no idea how much jobs like his would pay (though obviously I was aware it would be less than I make). I'm guessing he's more or less in the same position with respect to my job. Ya dont say? I just got my BS in International Business. Ive thought about doing consulting but havent been called in for any of the entry level positions Ive applied to. Im gonna start my MBA this fall or next year. Dunno whether I wanna concentrate in International Business or Human Resources though. Its great youve got youre MBA. I love a gal in a business suit. You say he has a BA and works on computers ey? Thats odd that he doesnt make decent change. From what ive seen, NYC tech folks are in demand and I see tons of postings for these jobs...and for good coin too. Oh wells. Not many people are making lots of cash in this economy. Like I said before. He knows youre educated, and he should expect you to be making more than him if you have an MBA. If he hasnt acted weird about anything, then dont worry about the income stuff. Edited February 27, 2012 by kaylan
Sanman Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 It is not just about insecurity, but about lifestyle as well. If he is making 1/3 of your income, I am guessing you guys live in different areas of the city. Are you the type to eat at Nobu, Tao, etc regularly or are you more low key? Do you like to take nice vacations? This guy is not going to be able to afford those types of things on his salary. I know a couple who struggled with these things and it became a serious issue in their relationship. However, if you are the type that keeps a more low key lifestyle, it may not matter at all. My gf makes significantly more than I do as I am still on fellowship and she is settled in her career and it really is not a problem as we are both more low key.
Soxfaninfl Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 (edited) Yeah, guys in their 20s don't seem to care much at all. They're much more like, "You rule! That's awesome." Which is great. But they're just not on my level of maturity, clearly not ready to settle down. I'm 35. Guys my age and older are almost always threatened by it. UNLESS they are super alpha guys who are no way going to commit to one woman until at least 40, or even later. So basically, guys in my ideal age and personality range (35-40, not alpha players) are usually threatened by it. Really? My ex-wife made more money than I for most of our marriage. I started to make more at the end. We married when were 24 and divorced at 35. I'm 36 now, and it has never bothered me. I just recently dated a girl that made more than I, and it still didn't bother me. My friend who has been married for 15 years, and his wife makes more. It has never bothered him either, and he's 38. Edited February 27, 2012 by Soxfaninfl
FrustratedStandards Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 The only way to find out is to ask him. Tell him he accidentally sent you his cover letter and you noticed he makes far less. Then again, there's no point in bringing it up if it hasn't really been an issue in your relationship. Your mentioning it might make him insecure about it, and he might wonder if it really affects you since you want to talk about it. Personally, I couldn't date a man who makes less. I want my man to excel and exceed in things that I can't. To me, that's what makes him manly and strong. I want him to be capable of things that i'm not. Otherwise, what can he offer me that I can't offer myself?
FrustratedStandards Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 Really? My ex-wife made more money than I for most of our marriage. I started to make more at the end. We married when were 24 and divorced at 35. I'm 36 now, and it has never bothered me. I just recently dated a girl that made more than I, and it still didn't bother me. My friend who has been married for 15 years, and his wife makes more. It has never bothered him either, and he's 38. I don't think it would bother the men as much as it would the woman. Men could use the help, and there is less pressure on them to be the provider. However, most women want a provider and a man who makes more is a turn on. At least, that's my take on it. I know lots of women are into the whole "equality" thing, but I think they take it too literally. As in, men and women are equal, yes. But that doesn't mean the responsibilities have to be absolutely equal. The equality rests in the fact that each partner takes on responsibilities they are capable of and willing to do. Both bring to the table what they are good at, therefore both make the relationship work. Equality doesn't mean "you pay half the rent, I pay half the rent. You cook half the meal, I cook half the meal". Women want to be spoiled, and to many that equates to money (for myself too to a certain extent). So obviously a man won't have a problem, it means he doesn't have to work as hard.
Soxfaninfl Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 Personally, I couldn't date a man who makes less. I want my man to excel and exceed in things that I can't. To me, that's what makes him manly and strong. I want him to be capable of things that i'm not. Otherwise, what can he offer me that I can't offer myself? Well my wife was the bread winner in our marriage for 6 of the 11 years, but that changed when my career started to take off. Money isn't every thing. If he's good to you, treats you like a lady and is loving that's what really matters not how many zero's he brings home.
FrustratedStandards Posted February 27, 2012 Posted February 27, 2012 Well my wife was the bread winner in our marriage for 6 of the 11 years, but that changed when my career started to take off. Money isn't every thing. If he's good to you, treats you like a lady and is loving that's what really matters not how many zero's he brings home. You're right. But from a personal standpoint, it's a turnoff. (This excludes extreme circumstances, like he lost his job or something serious has happened in his life where he can't provide. These instances don't count. I mean in general). But who am I to judge. It works for some people. I just think the OP might be bothered by it, because she posted about it and whether or not to confront her significant other. I just want to bring to light that there is nothing wrong with wanting a man who earns more.
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