He Laid Things On The Table...

[tenbee]

...Now what?

 

My boyfriend laid everything out on the table for me because he likes transparency. I did the same in return, but I'm a bit unsure of what I should make of what he told me.

Background info:

He's 29, I'm 26.

Dating for 6 months.

Living in the same city, but he's probably going to have to relocate soon for employment reasons.

 

Conversation:

It was a 40 minute conversation so here are the key points from each of us.

He:

-my heart is broken and I didn't realize that until now (Referencing a relationship from 7 years ago in which he truly planned to marry a woman that TOTALLY betrayed him in front of a lot of people including his own parents.)

-I've never talked about these things to anyone, but I think you should know.

-You are one of my bestfriends.

-You're beautiful, intelligent, sexy, funny, caring and I like those things about you.

-I care about you and want you to have a fulfilling life whether that's with me or not.

-It's going to take some time for me to get through this and I'm just not sure if I want to be married and have kids. My heart is like iron and I don't want to hurt you. So if something catches your eye while we are together don't hesitate to break things off with me.

 

The rest of what he said was basically talking about how he wants to be with me, but not to expect him to be there for me emotionally because he's afraid to fall in love again.

 

I:

Well honestly I don't really remember what I said... I didn't say much as I did a lot of listening. I told him that I understood what he was saying and that I was aware he had a broken heart very early in our relationship. I told him that I appreciate the things that he does for me and that he is a good man. I told him why I thought he was a good man and so-on.

 

I asked him just to tell me if anything changes between the two of us and that I'm not asking him to spend the rest of his life with me, but instead to allow our relationship to take it's course naturally.

 

Now here's my interpretation...

 

On one hand I was flattered by his openness because it does show that he cares enough to tell me what he's thinking romantically. On the other hand something about the conversation literally felt like a break up although HE said that he wanted to be with me and that I was a bestfriend to him.

 

Thus I'm baffled.

 

I look at a man that takes care of my dog when I'm not around. That makes sure I'm safe if he's not with me. Someone that gets involved in my activities by coming and supporting me at my job and extracurriculars without me asking. He coos over children when we are out... but is unsure if he wants them. He says he wants a long term relationship... but is not sure if he wants to be married. He says he can't provide emotional support of a husband... but does it daily.

 

I don't know what to even think about the whole thing. I didn't even bring up marriage! So... is there something I should do? Or should I just act like that was an everyday conversation and move on and not worry about it?

 

Never been with anyone that inspires me to reach my dreams and be a better person.

[laotzu]

I'm not trying to be a jackass here, just honest. You should prepare yourself for the possibility, and perhaps, the likelihood, that he's gearing up to breakup with you. This is the justification phase, and now it might evolve.

 

I would suggest pulling back, both emotionally and physically, and seeing how he reacts. If you withdraw from him it may make him realize that he could lose you, and he may do a 180. If you become clingy, he'll withdraw. He's in a weird place right now, and he's thinking he doesn't need you.

 

Show him he needs you by showing him what it's like for him to not have you.

 

This is coming from a guy who's broken up with a lot of girls.

[mortensorchid]

I am sorry to hear this. And I also, like the previous poster said, do not mean to be a jakeass, but this is not going to last. If you don't break it off, he will, because he feels too insecure to go any further. I was in the same situation years ago, and I assure you someone who does something like this is full of s---. They will break it off with you because they feel too insecure and refuse to do anything but cling to the past, then the guy married another woman about a year later. Not the same one he was hung up on, but someone else. What exactly is this about? Contradictions. People do what they want if and when they want, and it's a shame that they have to play with other people's emotions. It's best to move on ASAP from this, otherwise you are walking into a train wreck.

[Yookie]

...Now what?

 

My boyfriend laid everything out on the table for me because he likes transparency. I did the same in return, but I'm a bit unsure of what I should make of what he told me.

Background info:

He's 29, I'm 26.

Dating for 6 months.

Living in the same city, but he's probably going to have to relocate soon for employment reasons.

 

Conversation:

It was a 40 minute conversation so here are the key points from each of us.

He:

-my heart is broken and I didn't realize that until now (Referencing a relationship from 7 years ago in which he truly planned to marry a woman that TOTALLY betrayed him in front of a lot of people including his own parents.)

-I've never talked about these things to anyone, but I think you should know.

-You are one of my bestfriends.

-You're beautiful, intelligent, sexy, funny, caring and I like those things about you.

-I care about you and want you to have a fulfilling life whether that's with me or not.

-It's going to take some time for me to get through this and I'm just not sure if I want to be married and have kids. My heart is like iron and I don't want to hurt you. So if something catches your eye while we are together don't hesitate to break things off with me.

The rest of what he said was basically talking about how he wants to be with me, but not to expect him to be there for me emotionally because he's afraid to fall in love again.

I:

Well honestly I don't really remember what I said... I didn't say much as I did a lot of listening. I told him that I understood what he was saying and that I was aware he had a broken heart very early in our relationship. I told him that I appreciate the things that he does for me and that he is a good man. I told him why I thought he was a good man and so-on.

 

I asked him just to tell me if anything changes between the two of us and that I'm not asking him to spend the rest of his life with me, but instead to allow our relationship to take it's course naturally.

 

Now here's my interpretation...

 

On one hand I was flattered by his openness because it does show that he cares enough to tell me what he's thinking romantically. On the other hand something about the conversation literally felt like a break up although HE said that he wanted to be with me and that I was a bestfriend to him.

 

Thus I'm baffled.

 

I look at a man that takes care of my dog when I'm not around. That makes sure I'm safe if he's not with me. Someone that gets involved in my activities by coming and supporting me at my job and extracurriculars without me asking. He coos over children when we are out... but is unsure if he wants them. He says he wants a long term relationship... but is not sure if he wants to be married. He says he can't provide emotional support of a husband... but does it daily.

 

I don't know what to even think about the whole thing. I didn't even bring up marriage! So... is there something I should do? Or should I just act like that was an everyday conversation and move on and not worry about it?

 

Never been with anyone that inspires me to reach my dreams and be a better person.

 

...he wants to be with me, but not to expect him to be there for me emotionally because he's afraid to fall in love again.

 

Wow this is huge! Do not continue as if nothing has happened. He's basically breaking up with you but keeping you around because he likes you enough to keep things going until something catches HIS eye. All that talk about how great you are was just to soften the blow (and keep you around).

 

If I were you, I would do exactly what he said and that is to NOT expect him to be there for you. This one's a wrap... time to move on.

[tenbee]

laotzu and mortensorchid

 

Thanks for being honest - I don't think either of you were being a jackass. It is what it is. I think I'll take your advice laotzu and start to pull away a bit. Maybe go on a weekend trip without him and become engulfed with work or something to make myself less available like you said.

 

Thank you.

[Oxy Moronovich]

I agree with laotzu. It sounds like he wants to break up. Perhaps he is unsure.

 

When I was 19, my longtime girlfriend got pregnant with another dude. But she pointed me out as the father. All hell broke loose between my family and her own until it was firmly established that I was not the father. Never mind the fact that I was still a virgin at the time.

 

After that, I became more distant toward women I've dated. I've kept my emotions in check and done what I can not to fall in love. I've even broken up relationships when I felt I was falling in love.

 

This is what happens to men after they experience a devastating breakup. We become more distant toward subsequent lovers. Many of us turn our backs on it and run away when it comes around. Your man seems like he's going through the same thing.

[Ninjainpajamas]

This is extremely clear...he's basically telling you that he isn't moving on with you and isn't interested in marrying you or even being long-term.

 

There was nothing romantic about what he said or how open he was being, that was done out of guilt, of how he feels inside, stringing you along, seeing that you want more. Maybe a certain situation where he was with you hit him that...maybe things are getting too far, maybe you're being too emotionally involved.

 

The reason he treats you well is because of what he wants, what he misses from his ex. He tries to treat you well so that he can tell himself that he's not a bad guy and he's just doing his best. But honestly he knew from the very beginning that this was just a reenactment of his past relationship that left him so bruised. He hasn't moved on, and he knows he shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with you in the first place...but for him, the infamous words "it just happened" so he went along with it.

 

I wouldn't feel empathy for his sad sob story with his ex-gf, that is for him to reconcile and get over with, within himself. That doesn't give him the right to use you as a platform for building himself up and together while you sit there and have genuine hopes and feelings...essentially he used you. Now he's trying to dispose of you but make it look like a one big "mistake"...he's not 12, he's 29...he already knows better than that, he knew.

 

I know you'll think differently because you know the man, and all those little things he has done and said, moments you felt made you feel special and important but what you felt in those moments were far more powerful than what he felt inside of himself. With men like this there is a wall, you don't penetrate that wall when he is still wrapped up in someone else, in fact he thinks about her a lot, you can bet on it.

 

You have to realize he's an older guy too, 3 years is significant in that age range....so I wouldn't give him so much credit, I could screw over a lot of women and come out looking like gold, that's because you have no idea what happens behind the scenes in a mans mind and you just victimize yourself so that women will feel sorry for you and compassion, which their suckers for. Especially when women always want to see the good in what a man does rather than the blatantly wrong, because of their denial and their insistence that It was something more than it actually was, It was "special".

 

I could write a book about this guy just based off the things you have written that you posted here in your post.

 

He's going to string you along, and he's basically excusing himself from guilt by telling you all of this that was on his chest for a while now. Don't misinterpret his behavior with you and genuinely romantic and loving, he may love and care for you but not in the same way he has with his ex.

 

Don't fool yourself with the "good guy" routine, the guy has deceived you. He knew it wouldn't go anywhere, this is just an excuse to pull himself out of the situation he has gotten in with you. He is hoping you will leave him so he doesn't have to break your heart and reveal his true intentions when he finds himself coincidentally with another woman.

 

Print this out and leave it somewhere he could see it, I bet you this would hit right home with this guy and It'll send tingles down his spine, and he'll have to take a big gulp knowing someone you know sees right through it.

 

If he's really as good of a good guy you says he is, then he won't deny it. At least for once he'll be truthful.

 

What this guy is doing is typical tenbee, It's childs play...just another page out of the man book. He had fun with you while it lasted and he enjoyed your time and companionship, but now that ship has sailed and he needs to figure out how to get out of it without looking like an ******* but buttering you up and coming out unscatched so he can put it behind him and not feel guilty about it.

Edited February 26, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[chelsea2011]

...Now what?

 

My boyfriend laid everything out on the table for me because he likes transparency. I did the same in return, but I'm a bit unsure of what I should make of what he told me.

Background info:

He's 29, I'm 26.

Dating for 6 months.

Living in the same city, but he's probably going to have to relocate soon for employment reasons.

 

Conversation:

It was a 40 minute conversation so here are the key points from each of us.

He:

-my heart is broken and I didn't realize that until now (Referencing a relationship from 7 years ago in which he truly planned to marry a woman that TOTALLY betrayed him in front of a lot of people including his own parents.)

-I've never talked about these things to anyone, but I think you should know.

-You are one of my bestfriends.

-You're beautiful, intelligent, sexy, funny, caring and I like those things about you.

-I care about you and want you to have a fulfilling life whether that's with me or not.

-It's going to take some time for me to get through this and I'm just not sure if I want to be married and have kids. My heart is like iron and I don't want to hurt you. So if something catches your eye while we are together don't hesitate to break things off with me.

 

The rest of what he said was basically talking about how he wants to be with me, but not to expect him to be there for me emotionally because he's afraid to fall in love again.

 

I:

Well honestly I don't really remember what I said... I didn't say much as I did a lot of listening. I told him that I understood what he was saying and that I was aware he had a broken heart very early in our relationship. I told him that I appreciate the things that he does for me and that he is a good man. I told him why I thought he was a good man and so-on.

 

I asked him just to tell me if anything changes between the two of us and that I'm not asking him to spend the rest of his life with me, but instead to allow our relationship to take it's course naturally.

 

Now here's my interpretation...

 

On one hand I was flattered by his openness because it does show that he cares enough to tell me what he's thinking romantically. On the other hand something about the conversation literally felt like a break up although HE said that he wanted to be with me and that I was a bestfriend to him.

 

Thus I'm baffled.

 

I look at a man that takes care of my dog when I'm not around. That makes sure I'm safe if he's not with me. Someone that gets involved in my activities by coming and supporting me at my job and extracurriculars without me asking. He coos over children when we are out... but is unsure if he wants them. He says he wants a long term relationship... but is not sure if he wants to be married. He says he can't provide emotional support of a husband... but does it daily.

 

I don't know what to even think about the whole thing. I didn't even bring up marriage! So... is there something I should do? Or should I just act like that was an everyday conversation and move on and not worry about it?

 

Never been with anyone that inspires me to reach my dreams and be a better person.

 

Wow, this guy is basically telling you not to expect anything from him...at all. The biggest red flag that stands out to me is that you are hoping he will change his mind eventually. You may not have said it directly, but it is inferred throughout your post. Don't waste another moment on this guy because it will never be what you want it to be. If you have hope that it will change, then you will end up bending and contorting who you are hoping for a different outcome. Don't allow yourself to fall into that trap. Look at why you would be willing to accept these circumstances that, if you really think about it, would be emotionally abusive to you instead. He is making you pay for his past relationship, which had nothing what so ever to do with you. His past is his problem...not yours.

 

You should drop this guy like he is a hot potato. Totally not worth the emotional angst you will go through.

[LSgirl]

I'm replying to this because I could have written this myself. I've been with my bf for over a year now, and he has done and said the same thing. He was engaged with a girl and with her for about 8-9 years until she cheated on him and he broke it off. To this day I know he still hurts. I know he cares about me and thinks I'm special, but I don't think he will ever love me as much as he loves her. Sad part is, he's never told me he loves me. While I don't want to rush something like that and like you want to let things happen naturally, it's been a huge rollercoaster ride with this man.

 

If you want to stay on this ride, be prepared for some heartbreak. I've even flat out asked him if he loved me and he said he wasn't there but that we grow everyday. Sometimes I tell myself to detach and one day I can break it off, other days he opens up to me and I feel closer and want to stay with him. I'm still at a loss with myself, too.

[xpaperxcutx]

So taking away all the sweet words and putting everything in a clearer perspective, all he's really saying is " So tenbee, f-k me, be my girlfriend.but don't expect me to be a boyfriend to you. You're nothing but a flavor of the month as far as I'm concerned."

 

That doesn't sound very enticing does it?

[Ninjainpajamas]

I'm replying to this because I could have written this myself. I've been with my bf for over a year now, and he has done and said the same thing. He was engaged with a girl and with her for about 8-9 years until she cheated on him and he broke it off. To this day I know he still hurts. I know he cares about me and thinks I'm special, but I don't think he will ever love me as much as he loves her. Sad part is, he's never told me he loves me. While I don't want to rush something like that and like you want to let things happen naturally, it's been a huge rollercoaster ride with this man.

 

If you want to stay on this ride, be prepared for some heartbreak. I've even flat out asked him if he loved me and he said he wasn't there but that we grow everyday. Sometimes I tell myself to detach and one day I can break it off, other days he opens up to me and I feel closer and want to stay with him. I'm still at a loss with myself, too.

 

Everything you think to be real is lies LSgirl...there's only one person who believes in that relationship, and that's you. The sooner you realize that It isn't what you thought it was, and it's not the real...the sooner you'll be able to move on.

 

Otherwise just chain yourself around the neck to shackles on his bedpost, because you're a slave, and he's feeding your scraps to survive.

 

Growing everyday? What are you..a plant?

[chelsea2011]

Everything you think to be real is lies LSgirl...there's only one person who believes in that relationship, and that's you. The sooner you realize that It isn't what you thought it was, and it's not the real...the sooner you'll be able to move on.

 

Otherwise just chain yourself around the neck to shackles on his bedpost, because you're a slave, and he's feeding your scraps to survive.

 

Growing everyday? What are you..a plant?

 

This is so on target. Thank you, ninja, for taking the time to share your honest perspective regarding men. It's very refreshing.

[Ranchero44]

Sad part is, he's never told me he loves me. While I don't want to rush something like that and like you want to let things happen naturally, it's been a huge rollercoaster ride with this man.

 

If you want to stay on this ride, be prepared for some heartbreak. I've even flat out asked him if he loved me and he said he wasn't there but that we grow everyday. Sometimes I tell myself to detach and one day I can break it off, other days he opens up to me and I feel closer and want to stay with him. I'm still at a loss with myself, too.

 

 

Yes, if you want to stay on this ride, you are in for a big, fat broken heart. I don't think men who do this are necessarily bad people, but, having survived a situation like this myself, I do believe it is a type of emotional cruelty. What LSGirl described above is especially tormenting: Withholding one's love whilst making sure the gal has enough of a carrot in front of her to keep her around, i.e., "I don't love you but I COULD love you. Someday. Maybe. Stick around! Stay tuned! Make sure you waste as much of your life as possible waiting around for me to declare that I love you!" Ugh. Situations like this make me sick. Trust me. Get out. You are going to wake up one day and YEARS will have gone by. Don't waste your precious time or life.

[Old Flame]

1. Never believe ANYTHING man tells you.

2. well.......... enough said.

[travelbug1996]

I could have written this story. He is stringing you along and if you go along for the ride you will have no one to blame except yourself.

 

Cut him OFF.

[NoMagicBullet]

Ninjainpajamas is totally right.

 

Having this "honest talk" after dating you for 6 months isn't that honest. Let's face it, if he fessed up to being emotionally unavailable at the start, it would have ruined his prospects for a steady source of female companionship, in or out of the bedroom.

 

I hate to say it, but I've been through something like this recently, but it never got to the level of boyfriend/girlfriend. After sex, he confessed to not being ready for a relationship. There were a few nice things he did for me, but he was obviously only interested in hooking up. It was quite a dry spell since my last lover, so I don't regret my choice to sleep with him. But I don't think much of this man's character for not being honest about what he wanted beforehand. I likely would have slept with him anyway if he had been honest about just wanting sex. He didn't have to hide the truth. Not a keeper and likely never will be: long-time girlfriend dumped him with no other man in the picture, and I suspect he contributed to that more than he will admit. If I'm going to have a good relationship that actually has a chance of going somewhere, I know I have to look elsewhere.

 

I think you need to look elsewhere, too, tenbee. You, too, LSGirl. Thanks for telling it like it is, Ninjainpajamas.

[Alexanda]

Ninjainpajamas is right.