Author J322Y Posted February 28, 2012 Author Posted February 28, 2012 I think you should approach it the way that works for you... The women who don't dig it - they will step away if your style doesn't work for them. True, but I still haven't figured out how to approach dating now. I'm seriously considering dating multiple people and having sex with none. I'm not sure if I can pull it off (pun intended ), but it does simplified everything else if I can do it.
FrustratedStandards Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 I made it clear that I was dating others, and they let me know that was fine, but that if the relationship became sexual they would expect me to stop dating others. So far I've told my favorite date that I'm very attracted to her sexually but that I'm not ready to commit now. She said she still wants to see me but that she won't have sex with me under those circumstances. In that case, I would suggest you tell her you can't see her anymore. Tell her that although you really like her, it's unfair that you have to continue with all this sexual tension. Because by what you told me, it sounds like she's saying "I won't have sex with you until you commit." To my ears that sounds like a way of manipulating you to commit, especially since she said this after you told her how sexually attracted you were to her. On a side note, I would suggest a great one night stand
Author J322Y Posted February 28, 2012 Author Posted February 28, 2012 In that case, I would suggest you tell her you can't see her anymore. Tell her that although you really like her, it's unfair that you have to continue with all this sexual tension. Because by what you told me, it sounds like she's saying "I won't have sex with you until you commit." To my ears that sounds like a way of manipulating you to commit, especially since she said this after you told her how sexually attracted you were to her. On a side note, I would suggest a great one night stand I like sexual tension. I'm going out with her tonight and next Saturday. I'm going to tell her that I'm not having sex with anyone. She wants it as much as I do, so we can enjoy the tension together.
maybealone Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 Because by what you told me, it sounds like she's saying "I won't have sex with you until you commit." To my ears that sounds like a way of manipulating you to commit, especially since she said this after you told her how sexually attracted you were to her. I'm not entirely sure all of these women are trying to force him into committing to a LTR. I think many, if not all, just don't want to have sex with someone who is sleeping around. OP, if you really aren't interested in sleeping around, why not just tell this woman that? Say that you aren't ready for any kind of commitment, and you still want to date other women, but you are willing to have sex only with her. Let her know that if that changes, you will tell her before you sleep with anyone else. If she's okay with that, then I think you may have found a good match.
Arkaeology Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 (edited) Not everything is about sex. I'm committed and not having sex... For the freaking first time in my life... I know it's something special when I try my best to not just grab her and give ourselves what we both want. This sexy body is going to waste. Go ahead, feel sorry for me... Edited February 28, 2012 by Arkaeology
Author J322Y Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 I'm not entirely sure all of these women are trying to force him into committing to a LTR. I think many, if not all, just don't want to have sex with someone who is sleeping around. That's correct. OP, if you really aren't interested in sleeping around, why not just tell this woman that? Say that you aren't ready for any kind of commitment, and you still want to date other women, but you are willing to have sex only with her. Let her know that if that changes, you will tell her before you sleep with anyone else. If she's okay with that, then I think you may have found a good match. I spoke with my favorite date about this last night (6th date) and she described exclusive dating exactly the way you did: Exclusive dating: You aren't sleeping with anyone but me, but that doesn't mean I have to be the priority in your life. We are independent people who go out with friends, focus on ourselves, see each other when we can, and have as much sex as possible (obviously, since we aren't getting any from anyone else ). It might evolve into something more, it might not. Basically, it's just dating one person at a time with no promises other than not having sex with other people. In the past I've been either all or nothing in terms of relationship, but I see the benefit of this approach. I guess this concept is obvious to most people, but I was stuck on focusing on the commitment aspect and missed the idea of lower expectations. By lower expectations I mean less pressure because the couple hasn't spent much time together, so it's kind of an experiment to see if a LTR is a good choice. I've decided to start exclusively dating the women I've been referring to. Thanks for helping me work this out.
maybealone Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 By lower expectations I mean less pressure because the couple hasn't spent much time together, so it's kind of an experiment to see if a LTR is a good choice. That's a good way to look at it. Really, I don't think you will miss too many opportunities because you'll probably know in a few months or less whether or not you think there is potential for a relationship there. And yes, it should be low pressure. You should be free to still put yourself first and not have to be "all in" like in a LTR. I've decided to start exclusively dating the women I've been referring to. Is it wrong that my first response to this is "Woo hoo! SEX!!"?
Author J322Y Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 Is it wrong that my first response to this is "Woo hoo! SEX!!"? Funny, that was my first response too!
2sunny Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Yeah, in reality I'm on good terms with my ex GF, but it's not at the level of a good friendship yet. That's because she's having trouble moving on. I'm ready to be that type of friend for her though. My ex wife on the other hand is a great friend. Last summer we went down a river on an inner tube with her 10 year old daughter and husband. I'll change my profile. Thanks. Since your exGF is having trouble moving on ( or forward) the cause of her not moving forward could be that she needs to realize the R ended... And ended for a reason. At times, people keep hoping it has a chance of reigniting - but that's usually when the dumper keeps stepping in and sending mixed signals to the dumpee. You could be messing up her ability to get past this by participating. When a R ends - the two people heal FASTER when ties are cut. THAT send the clear message that it's OVER. When it's over I don't keep stepping back in - I do believe my exH thinks we are good friends - but I don't see it that way. I feel neutral - but I don't try to socialize with him (that would be stepping into his M). He would also get an idea that he wants to see me more if I did it that way... Which I don't want. IF I am to find a new person for that void - I find it best to eliminate the person that previously filled that role. Even then, the NEW person gets an idea that there is room for them in my life (not me squeezing them into a space that is already half filled with my exH). It's a matter of allowing the new person to feel "special" and that they are my "top priority" - otherwise they get the feeling half my priority is my ex. Does that make sense?
2sunny Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 From my perspective I have had experience on both sides. Casual sex with no ties - (same person with an agreement for no ties) and sex with a solid agreement. Both scenarios offer different results/feelings. Sex with no ties offers freedom while obtaining fun sex... But knowing limitations aren't to become "close" mentally and emotionally to that person - its just for fun. Sex with ties offers the ability to become close mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually - its a whole different world. With ties definitely requires honesty and for BOTH people to be vulnerable and honest while understanding what the expectations are from the R and the other person. IF that agreement changes over time - its also best for one to allow the other to understand the terms of the agreement are changing. I think this is where most people fail to communicate = when they no longer agree to the prior terms of what they previously agreed to. Relationships do change over time - its communicating honestly when there is change that makes or breaks most relationships. Whatever it is that you desire - express it - when it changes as you go along - express that too! It gives the other person room to decide if that's what they have in mind at that time too...
Author J322Y Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 Since your exGF is having trouble moving on ( or forward) the cause of her not moving forward could be that she needs to realize the R ended... And ended for a reason. At times, people keep hoping it has a chance of reigniting - but that's usually when the dumper keeps stepping in and sending mixed signals to the dumpee. You could be messing up her ability to get past this by participating. When a R ends - the two people heal FASTER when ties are cut. THAT send the clear message that it's OVER. When it's over I don't keep stepping back in - I do believe my exH thinks we are good friends - but I don't see it that way. I feel neutral - but I don't try to socialize with him (that would be stepping into his M). He would also get an idea that he wants to see me more if I did it that way... Which I don't want. IF I am to find a new person for that void - I find it best to eliminate the person that previously filled that role. Even then, the NEW person gets an idea that there is room for them in my life (not me squeezing them into a space that is already half filled with my exH). It's a matter of allowing the new person to feel "special" and that they are my "top priority" - otherwise they get the feeling half my priority is my ex. Does that make sense? I'm sure it makes sense for you. I don't live near my ex so it's mostly a self limiting thing. I don't think about her much and she isn't infringing on my life. She's getting help from a great therapist so I'm leaving that to him and if she wants to talk with me I talk. I'll always be there for her as a friend.
Author J322Y Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 With ties definitely requires honesty and for BOTH people to be vulnerable and honest while understanding what the expectations are from the R and the other person. IF that agreement changes over time - its also best for one to allow the other to understand the terms of the agreement are changing. I think this is where most people fail to communicate = when they no longer agree to the prior terms of what they previously agreed to. Relationships do change over time - its communicating honestly when there is change that makes or breaks most relationships. Now I'm confused again. The agreement in exclusive dating is that you don't have sex with others. Assuming that the monogamy continues what can change over time in terms of the commitment? I will always only commit to being faithful and nothing else other than common respect that am committed to showing all of my friends.
2sunny Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 Now I'm confused again. The agreement in exclusive dating is that you don't have sex with others. Assuming that the monogamy continues what can change over time in terms of the commitment? I will always only commit to being faithful and nothing else other than common respect that am committed to showing all of my friends. Things constantly change. Whether you want them to or not. If you two are dating and one of you meets someone new you want to explore new possibilities with - its best to change your prior agreement.
ariadne999 Posted February 29, 2012 Posted February 29, 2012 I hope she finds someone young and emotionally healthy and dumps your ass quick. You sound like a train wreck.
Author J322Y Posted February 29, 2012 Author Posted February 29, 2012 I hope she finds someone young and emotionally healthy and dumps your ass quick. You sound like a train wreck. Maybe I am a train wreck, but I didn't register to a forum and make my first post a hostile attack on a stranger.
Author J322Y Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 Maybe I am a train wreck, but I didn't register to a forum and make my first post a hostile attack on a stranger. And by the way, I'm 53 and my date is 55.
InJest Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 This thread has gone on for 8 pages. You're just repeating yourself now. All options have been explored, and things are as clear as they're going to get for you. Make a decision.
Author J322Y Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 I've decided to start exclusively dating the women I've been referring to. Thanks for helping me work this out. This thread has gone on for 8 pages. You're just repeating yourself now. All options have been explored, and things are as clear as they're going to get for you. Make a decision. I don't expect you to read the entire thread, but I also don't think it's wise to make snarky comments in ignorance.
InJest Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 I did read most of it. That's how I know it's repetitive at this point. It's gone on 8 pages and you're still at square one. For once, there actually wasn't anything snarky about what I said. Please tell me how the **** you are exclusively dating two people at the same time??
Author J322Y Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 I did read most of it. That's how I know it's repetitive at this point. It's gone on 8 pages and you're still at square one. For once, there actually wasn't anything snarky about what I said. Please tell me how the **** you are exclusively dating two people at the same time?? My bad. I meant to type "woman" and not "women". You might have understood that with from the context, but the mistake is mine. Sorry. In light of that your comment wasn't exactly snarky, although it wasn't very helpful either. Venting your frustration with a thread seems pointless to me.
InJest Posted March 1, 2012 Posted March 1, 2012 It isn't even that I was frustrated. I just wanted you to make a decision before you died, is all(snark,snark). I've been on your side for this thread, when all these wenches were talking ****.
Author J322Y Posted March 1, 2012 Author Posted March 1, 2012 It isn't even that I was frustrated. I just wanted you to make a decision before you died, is all(snark,snark). I've been on your side for this thread, when all these wenches were talking ****. Ok, thanks then. My next date with the lucky lady is Saturday.
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