sex = commitment?

[J322Y]

First I'll state that I'm probably not the type to sleep around with a lot of women at the same time. Or maybe I am but just don't know it yet.

 

I'm newly single after a 13 year committed relationship. I want to give myself time to meet a variety of people before getting back into a relationship. I'm dating two women now but haven't had sex with either yet. I've kissed both and there is chemistry with both. They each know that I'm dating others.

 

The women both share the opinion that once sex is involved a commitment is made to see only that person. I understand, but that means that the act of having sex once with someone is equal to making a commitment to that person.

 

I think most women, at least in my age group (50's), think that way. Doesn't that put an awful lot of pressure on the sexual act? Why is sex the defining event in a relationship, especially at my age when children aren't a factor?

 

I've been on 5 or 6 dates with one of the women and we really want to have sex, but I'm hesitant because I don't want to commit too quickly; I want to avoid a relationship on the rebound.

 

I'm not sure exactly where I'm going with this question, but I'm curious what other people might say.

[J322Y]

Sex does not equal commitment. Unless there has been some form of agreement to be in a monogamous relationship with each other, it's just sex.

 

I agree, but the women I'm attracted to seem to feel differently.

[veggirl]

So they have told you that they won't have sex outside of a committed relationship? That's fine, lots of women (and men) feel that way. You just aren't compatible with them in this area, so why continue to see them? There are plenty of women out there who will have sex before committment, you need to find one of those gals.

[J322Y]

So they have told you that they won't have sex outside of a committed relationship? That's fine, lots of women (and men) feel that way. You just aren't compatible with them in this area, so why continue to see them? There are plenty of women out there who will have sex before committment, you need to find one of those gals.

 

I think this shows why my question is complicated. I don't want a chain of casual relationships, I would like to date people who have the potential to be a LTR for me, I'm just trying to understand what makes sex the defining moment for so many of us?

 

I almost had sex with one of the women last night. I think she and I might be very compatible on many levels. When we connected on the subject of politics we didn't create a commitment. When we connected on religion we didn't create a commitment. Why, if we connect in a sexual way, does that create a commitment?

 

You can easily say that it doesn't but I think that ignores the reality of most women, including the type I'm attracted to. I'm not trying to be difficult, I'm just in a confusing place and I'm looking for help. I do appreciate your input.

[ScienceGal]

Sex to me equals a commitment, at least on my end.

 

Topics of discussion can get heated and emotional, you can feel like you're connecting, but that is not the same as a physical connection. That, is the most intimate. It's the closest you can get to another person and it takes a certain level of trust. If I let a man that close to me, it's because I want to be intimate with him, and not just that one time. It's a big deal to me. I have zero interest in casual sex.

 

Not everyone feels this way though. It really depends on what you're looking for and where you're at in life. Just coming out of a long relationship means you need time to be you and be on your own. I don't think it's wise for you to get into another relationship quickly. Just be honest about what your intentions are. Perhaps you should move on and date women that are open to sex without being exclusively together. But let me ask you, how would you feel about a woman you're dating having sex with you and with someone else? Would you really be ok with it?

[reallyhotguy]

I don't lease property, hire employees, or lend money with signing contracts or verbal agreements anymore. Instead, the other party and I just have sex once, because, as people say, that basically guarantees commitment.

[J322Y]

Then why continue to see them?

 

Ok, here's the problem stated a different way:

 

I really like one of the women in particular, we're attracted to each other sexually, but I'm concerned that it's too soon for me to commit. NOT having sex with each other creates an artificial strain on the relationship, and having sex also creates a strain on it because I'm concerned about rushing into something.

 

But let me ask you, how would you feel about a woman you're dating having sex with you and with someone else? Would you really be ok with it?

 

This question does a good job at defining my problem here. No, I wouldn't feel great about her having sex with other men, but committing to her now seems risky to me since I'm just out of a LTR. In a way I wish I didn't feel so attracted to her because I'm afraid it's clouding my judgement.

 

Maybe that's the crux of the matter; our strong physical attraction brings the risk that we're missing other important aspects of relationship. We seem very compatible on all levels, but I've only known her for a few weeks and 5-6 dates.

[Ninjainpajamas]

A lot of women work this way without even saying it...many want exclusivity with one person, in your generation I'm sure that gets bumped up to commitment because of values. I think commitment for them means they won't feel like they're sleeping around and are investing in a person on an emotional level and they don't want that to feel like just an act of sex. Women tend to connect and create a stronger bond through intimacy than men (for the most part I would say), they tend to lose themselves in their emotions quickly so they want some sense of security as they're not looking for just a quick fling.

 

I would suggest dating women that are possibly younger and not in a situation where they are looking for a committed relationship. You just got out of a 13 year relationship, you're in no shape or emotional position to dive right into a sexual relationship with these kind of women. What will happen Is you will overstep your boundaries for them, give them hope for a relationship then start to back-pedal when you feel like things are moving too quickly and It's something you're not ready for. So you're basically asking for trouble engaging in a sexual relationship with these women, you can't drink from this well without buying the land it sits on...stop trying to manipulate the situation in your head so that you can go ahead and sleep with them and hold onto your independence.

 

Tell women what you are looking for and where you coming from, and that you're out of a 13 year relationship. Be honest and upfront about what you want, If they want to continue that's partly up to them, If not don't try and convince them, they know how they work and what they want regardless of whether you feel it's justified or not, they can make their own irrational decisions...It's their right.

 

Don't be one of these guys that comes out of a relationship and starts dabbling with women who insist on a committed relationship so you lie and omit the truth so you can get what you want and then complain when they want more from you and like you never offered them more when right now...It's clear as day and you already understand what they want and that won't change no matter how you try and rationalize it...It's not going to work.

 

Hell you shouldn't even be dating, but getting yourself together emotionally and settling into to being single, but if you're going to jump from one horse to the next at least be with a woman who is doing the same thing or not looking for something serious...because you will ruin it, almost guaranteed.

Edited February 26, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[threebyfate]

My impression, you want it all, your way, with your timing. Not going to happen, unless you choose the path of deceit.

[J322Y]

A lot of women work this way without even saying it...many want exclusivity with one person, in your generation I'm sure that gets bumped up to commitment because of values. I think commitment for them means they won't feel like they're sleeping around and are investing in a person on an emotional level and they don't want that to feel like just an act of sex. Women tend to connect and create a stronger bond through intimacy than men (for the most part I would say), they tend to lose themselves in their emotions quickly so they want some sense of security as they're not looking for just a quick fling.

 

I would suggest dating women that are possibly younger and not in a situation where they are looking for a committed relationship. You just got out of a 13 year relationship, you're in no shape or emotional position to dive right into a sexual relationship with these kind of women. What will happen Is you will overstep your boundaries for them, give them hope for a relationship then start to back-pedal when you feel like things are moving too quickly and It's something you're not ready for. So you're basically asking for trouble engaging in a sexual relationship with these women, you can't drink from this well without buying the land it sits on...stop trying to manipulate the situation in your head so that you can go ahead and sleep with them and hold onto your independence.

 

Tell women what you are looking for and where you coming from, and that you're out of a 13 year relationship. Be honest and upfront about what you want, If they want to continue that's partly up to them, If not don't try and convince them, they know how they work and what they want regardless of whether you feel it's justified or not, they can make their own irrational decisions...It's their right.

 

Don't be one of these guys that comes out of a relationship and starts dabbling with women who insist on a committed relationship so you lie and omit the truth so you can get what you want and then complain when they want more from you and like you never offered them more when right now...It's clear as day and you already understand what they want and that won't change no matter how you try and rationalize it...It's not going to work.

 

I'm extremely honest, to the point where I make sure people aren't assuming something about me that isn't true. The women I'm mainly referring to here knows what I'm going through because I explained it to her.

 

I feel like I'm in a catch-22 because this women fits me so well on so many levels, but as you say, it's too early for me to jump into something long term. So do I just turn my back on a women that seems like a great fit?

[J322Y]

My impression, you want it all, your way, with your timing. Not going to happen, unless you choose the path of deceit.

 

I won't lie. So what part of "it all" do I give up?

[carhill]

How long have you been 'newly single'?

 

Also, what precipitated the ending of your last LTR?

[J322Y]

Hell you shouldn't even be dating, but getting yourself together emotionally and settling into to being single, but if you're going to jump from one horse to the next at least be with a woman who is doing the same thing or not looking for something serious...because you will ruin it, almost guaranteed.

 

I didn't go looking for a LTR. If I shouldn't be dating what should I being doing instead? Going to bars and picking up strangers, or living like a monk?

 

It's only been a few months since I left my last GF, but I had been preparing for it for a long time. I don't think about her much at all.

[J322Y]

How long have you been 'newly single'?

 

Also, what precipitated the ending of your last LTR?

 

It's been about 5 months. I live with my sister now (we co-own a house) and I've been in limbo with women until I started seeing a few people about a month ago via OLD.

 

I left because my GF wasn't investing time in the relationship or in taking care of her own mental and physical health which created a lot of stress. She is a career women and devotes the vast majority of her time to work which left little for herself or for me.

[threebyfate]

I won't lie. So what part of "it all" do I give up?

I can think of three paths you can take of which there will be at least two consequences per path. But I'm not going to state them since this is something you'll have to work out on your own, hopefully maintaining some form of integrity to reasonably unselfish values.

[J322Y]

I can think of three paths you can take of which there will be at least two consequences per path. But I'm not going to state them since this is something you'll have to work out on your own, hopefully maintaining some form of integrity to reasonably unselfish values.

 

Why post a reply but not outline some options? I can see benefits to working somethings out on my own, but I also see benefit from sharing ideas with other people who may have some more informed perspective.

[threebyfate]

Why post a reply but not outline some options? I can see benefits to working somethings out on my own, but I also see benefit from sharing ideas with other people who may have some more informed perspective.

My choice to share or not. I'm not paid to be your counselor.

[carhill]

Would you say you tend to be relationship-oriented?

 

What I'm hearing is that, currently, you'd like to have sexual relationships without commitment or exclusivity. If correct, does that align with your past perspective on relationships or is this something new? IOW, in the past, when exiting a LTR, would you have casual sexual encounters for a period prior to engaging in another LTR?

 

If yes, then the priority is to communicate that perspective and triage potentials to match up with what you want right now. IME, being your age, there are plenty of women who like casual sex. It's not my thing so, correctly, I pass on such opportunities. Your perspective may be different, so go with what works for you, transparently.

[J322Y]

My choice to share or not. I'm not paid to be your counselor.

 

Yes, you're free to enter my thread and make noise just to hear yourself chatter.

[threebyfate]

Yes, you're free to enter my thread and make noise just to hear yourself chatter.

Straight up, I think you have very poor boundaries, lack ethical integrity and have control issues, as it relates to interpersonal boundaries. With this in mind, I once again, choose not to share.

[J322Y]

Straight up, I think you have very poor boundaries, lack ethical integrity and have control issues, as it relates to interpersonal boundaries. With this in mind, I once again, choose not to share.

 

You're choosing to share, but you act like you have knowledge/experience that's too precious to share with a person such as myself. And you have the nerve to point out MY issues.

 

Poor boundries? Maybe but I don't have a clue what you mean.

 

Lack of integrity? I don't lie or abuse people. Where do you get that?

 

Control issues? I'm being honest about my feelings, but still trying to protect myself. How does that equate to control issues?

[Jane2011]

You seem to want all the benefits of a relationship (including the emotional security, companionship, devotion on the part of the other person, and physical intimacy) without commitment. What you want is pretty common. Many men want the same thing, even ones who didn't just get out of a relationship.

 

There's nothing wrong with that, necessarily. Men are allowed to want what they want. But you must know you are going to clash with women who want all of the things described above and commitment, to boot.

 

It's perfectly possible that you could find a woman who does want the same thing you want. It doesn't have to mean casual sex. Perhaps there's another woman out there who wants all the benefits of a relationship without the commitment -- maybe a woman who is also just out of a long-term relationship and feels similarly disinclined to be committed to someone but doesn't want casual sex either. That should be the woman you look for right now.

Edited February 26, 2012 by Jane2011

[Cypress25]

I don't want a chain of casual relationships, I would like to date people who have the potential to be a LTR for me, I'm just trying to understand what makes sex the defining moment for so many of us?

 

I can't speak for other women, but for me, sex is a defining moment because I get more emotionally attached to my partner after we have sex. It's the most intimate thing I could do with another person and it puts me in a very vulnerable position. I don't have sex with a man unless I have very strong feelings for him and care deeply about him. I need to know that he feels the same way about me.

 

My situation may be different because I'm much younger than you, but that's why sex is so important to me. It could never be a casual thing for me, it's way too personal and intimate. I need to be in a committed, exclusive relationship before I even think about having sex with the guy (like, several months before). I don't do the whole "we just had sex, so now we're in a committed relationship" thing. To me, that's backwards. If the man is still dating other women and exploring his options, that's fine, but there's no way in hell I'd have sex with him while he's doing that.

[J322Y]

Would you say you tend to be relationship-oriented?

 

I've spent almost all of the past 25 years in 2 relationships. Before that I had only casual sex with people who I knew, not one night stands. I think my problem now is figuring out what I want at this stage in my life.

 

What I'm hearing is that, currently, you'd like to have sexual relationships without commitment or exclusivity. If correct, does that align with your past perspective on relationships or is this something new? IOW, in the past, when exiting a LTR, would you have casual sexual encounters for a period prior to engaging in another LTR?

 

If yes, then the priority is to communicate that perspective and triage potentials to match up with what you want right now. IME, being your age, there are plenty of women who like casual sex. It's not my thing so, correctly, I pass on such opportunities. Your perspective may be different, so go with what works for you, transparently.

 

The puzzle I'm facing is that I simply don't want sex to be the defining act that automatically creates commitment. While that would seem to suggest a string of casual relationships, I want to remain open to a LTR.

 

I did experience a similar quandary before my last LTR. I was seeing a few women and I was honest about being sexually involved with others. One of them was the women who I just left. She told me that she only wanted a monogamous relationship and I made the choice to commit. I think that experience has me worried about my current situation.

 

I think this brings me back to the original problem; I've found someone very quickly after starting to date that seems like a great match in all ways, but I'm concerned that I haven't given myself enough time.

[carhill]

I've found someone very quickly after starting to date that seems like a great match in all ways, but I'm concerned that I haven't given myself enough time.

 

IMO, as long as you're transparent about the process and your partner clearly understands your perspective and finds synergy with it, then it is what it is. If it works out, that. If not, that. By the time we get to our 50's, we should be able to communicate and handle such aspects of interpersonal relations.

 

A like-minded (based on your description of past experiences) women will also be examining her options and perhaps having sex with other men. Again, transparency is the key. You're comfortable with that, yes? By 'that', I mean a woman exercising the same prerogatives you appear to espouse. She, too, may not be 'ready' or thinks she might not be, and wants to experience other men before committing. Communication is key.