I feel so lost and empty inside..

[torque]

It's been a while since I posted. I had a lot of problems that I never dealt with. I procrastinated on my decisions, and the advice I was given here and I screwed up pretty bad in my 'relationship' if that's what it can be called. I really need someone to talk to or some advice or something. I am in a really bad and dark place right now. Here's some background of what happened..

 

About five years ago I had some serious family death issues. All within a one year span of time I had lost my uncle, my cousin, my dog, my aunt, my mom, and my dad. All to cancer. I was only in my 20's at the time. My aunt had passed away two weeks before my birthday. My mom had passed away two hours after my birthday. I watched my mom take her last breath. It's the first time I ever dealt with anything like that... but the thing is I never dealt with it. I buried it deep down inside of me. A part of me froze in that time hoping she would come back. A few hours after my mom had passed away my dads daughter came to my house and stole a bunch of money, and other things. The day after that my house was raided by US Marshals because my 'brother' had jumped bail and they thought he was at my house. They continued following me, and harassing me for about 2 or 3 weeks, when they caught him.

 

So I had that happen. Then at the end of that same month, I get hit with a lawsuit that my dad's daughter was trying to take my property and kick me out on the street.

 

About 2 months later my father passed away. I was informed via Email from my attorney when I was walking out the door for work. That's not a way someone should find out that their father passed away. She had told my dad I kicked him out on the street, and he died thinking that. I never got a chance to talk to him about it.

 

I have a lot of trust issues and never really trusted anyone because I've always been afraid of getting hurt. I put as much as I could into my, at the time, girlfriend/mother of my daughter. Well.. she was sleeping with another guy a room away from where my daughter was sleeping. It came out she had cheated on me countless times. I never dealt with any of this. I bottled it up deep down, and drank it away. I ended up staying with her for my daughter.

 

So here comes where things started cracking for me..

 

I met a female online on a game I was playing. We bonded almost instantly. I went out to visit her and we ended up having a really great connection. However this girl didn't want a "relationship". She was happy with being best friends and whatever else. The girl is a perfect 10 in my eyes. She brought out the side of me that I thought was lost forever, that I never let anyone see in me. I took her to Las Vegas with me on a business trip (my daughters mother was still semi in the picture, but she didn't care at all. She knew I took her, etc.). I went out for Valentine's day last year as well.

 

We had a conversation because I wanted a relationship with her. She said she can't ever be in one, etc. So I finally set my mind to that. We will be friends and whatever else. Well a couple months goes by and out of nowhere she says "I want to be your girlfriend". It blew my mind away. I fought like hell for this girl, and then she wants to be my girlfriend. I didn't know what to say. Well needless to say I never fully asked her. I was still "technically" with my daughters mother. I never officially broke it off with her.

 

So the girl I wanted to be with, things were going downhill a little. She felt rejected by me, I was having money/work issues, just things like that.

 

A few months passed and she seemed more distant. We both did. Well I had to go to Las Vegas again this year for work. I ended up getting drugged with 2 things of extacy that was slipped into my drinks. It REALLY messed with my head. I ended up getting some kind of sickness/flu type thing as well. When I got back home is when it was really bad. It lasted for about two weeks, and this girl is the ONLY ONE to check on me. She's the only one who actually cared. She called me to make sure I was ok, to see if I could talk, etc. I didn't feel that great but I was talking to her.. mainly because that point she really needed someone to lean on.. here's why. So in the mean time this girls grandfather passed away. It's the first death she's had to deal with in her family. Everyone knew it would really affect her badly. Well the morning after she woke up and started drinking big time. She went out with her friends and ended up kissing a guy. She told me about it like two days later. She apologized and said she wouldn't blame it on the alcohol or drugs or whatever, that she was so sorry, and kept telling me to hate her, that all I'll ever see her as is the same as every other girl. (I've never been in a relationship where I haven't been cheated on. That's why she said this.). So I got mad, I have a very short fuse, and I don't think before I speak, however I was a lot more calm than I thought I'd be. I told her don't worry about it, she has more stuff to deal with in her life that she needs to focus on right now.

 

So she tells me, this is around the end of January, that "you've made me fall in love with you all over again".

 

I was busting my butt trying to make money so I could fly out to see her (other side of the country) for Valentine's day. According to her I was very distant a lot and never had time for her. I had planned on making me officially single, and asking her in person to be my girlfriend. We had been talking about getting married, and having kids, etc.. all that stuff for months. Well February 3rd comes, and she gets online and out of nowhere says "you're ok with us being friends." I snapped, I was in the wrong, and was quite defensive. She said she needed to be single and focus on herself. Things snowballed out of control from that point on for about a week.

 

I had a bunch of stuff happening to me again that brought up all the feelings from all the death I had happen in my past. The cheating of my ex, people coming up trying to steal stuff I was storing for a friend of mine who had just passed away, another pet gone, etc.. it was like I was watching history repeat itself. I couldn't handle it. I completely snapped and had a mental breakdown. The stuff that was slipped into my drinks was still in my system and messing with me. I decided to try to drink my problems away and it only made it 1000 times worse. I completely blacked out. I didn't/don't remember anything I did. I scared some of my friends that night, I have some who won't speak to me, and I had "threatened" her family. I had logged into a game and seen that she had removed me as her friend, and I said something along the lines of "you want to delete me as a friend I'll delete your family". I went over the top. I don't remember it, but it's still there. Keep in mind I would never do anything like that. I'd never threaten to hurt her family. I don't know what happened to me. Everyone I knew never understood how I dealt with it, or got through it. The thing is, I never did. It ate away at me. All the death, all of my dads daughter betraying my parents final wishes, etc.. Having a female in my house that was sleeping around non stop, etc. It just all kept building up like a ticking time bomb, and I blew up on the girl I love. I said some really mean things out of anger, and hurt, that never in my life would I have said if I was in the right frame of mind. I did something wrong to her, and hurt her really bad. I mean really bad. At this point she completely hates me. So the last time I had any contact with her was last Thursday. She basically told me off and to never contact her again when I was trying to apologize. I was so hurt and disgusted at myself for the things I said that I went to the bridge and was seriously a half a step away. My phone had rang and I answered it. My friend said she had a bad feeling and I was in tears bawling my eyes out. She talked me down and demanded I gave her this girls #. I refused for a good 20 minutes. I got back in my car and just cried again. Well she had called her once and texted her once. The girl replied yelling at her I believe. I never really found out. I just know she was really mad about it. She had said something on her facebook (before she removed me as a friend) about "people wont stop blowing up my phone trying to make me talk to someone I want nothing to do with.". I never asked people to do that. Anyway...To this day she has no idea how close I was to jumping. Another second and I would have been gone.

 

I have left her alone for 10 days now, with no contact at all with her. It eats me alive inside more and more every day. It doesn't get easier, it gets harder. I have since then officially broken up with my daughters mother. Not for the girl. For me. Because I knew it had to be done and I had to finally let go of my past, and when I did it felt like an amazing weight had been lifted off my shoulders. We talked about it some. She is fine with it. She said "we've been broken up for over a year. We don't talk. We don't go anywhere. We don't do anything.". We both knew it was over. Just making it official with no hard feelings on either side is what made the difference in myself. I've held on to so much anger, and pain, and hate, that it was consuming me. The mother of my daughter said she just wants me to fix myself and be happy. She knows it can never be with her, but I've been moping around my house, I've been in such a severe state of depression and it sucks. There's only been one person that I could turn to. My best friend. Since then I've started into counselling as well. I've went back into boxing to learn how to keep my anger under control. None of it matters to this girl though, she is so furious and mad. She said "I made a decision based on my life and where I was headed.

 

I’m proud of myself for standing my ground.".

 

I've sent her dozens of flowers, apologized countless times. It only makes her more angry. Like I said I haven't done anything for 10 days now, no contact with her at all. I know I was in the wrong with how I acted, I was just hurt and starting to crack finally. This girl and myself brought out the best in each other at one point. I think the stress and things going on in our lives just threw us both off track a little. I have hung out with one of my friends who has known every girl I've been with. She said that I finally fell in love for the first time. Which seeing how my feelings are, she's right. I've never felt like this about a girl. Not a single time in my life. I love this girl unconditionally. I know that this girl is my soul mate. It's not an after-thought either. I've thought this way deep down inside for a long time. I've never been so happy with someone in my life. I just let this stuff building up inside of me go too far. I am at the point of hating myself for how I acted. I have maybe nibbled on a few things since Feb 3rd. I haven't been able to sleep since I said all the stuff when I blacked out (feb 12th). I have barely been able to drink. I want to make it up to this girl. I want to move forward with my life, and build a life together. I don't know what to do to win her back. She was my best friend, and the love of my life. I get it's been rough but we were never "officially" boyfriend/girlfriend, so I can't hold anything against her that has happened in the past. All I can do is show her what I am willing to do in the present, and that I promise to make her happier than she's ever been in the future. I just don't know how to do so when she refuses to have anything to do with me. She's blocked me from everything so I have no contact with her. I honest to god feel like I lost my soul. I just feel like a shell of a person. I've lost a lot of the hate and anger and resentment that I've held on to for so long, and I want to fill that with love for this girl. My friends says she probably just needs time to calm down, but the way it seems she is very happy that I am out of her life, and she wants nothing at all to ever do with me. She's also bi-polar, but I don't think that has anything to do with it.

 

I have since vanished from everything in my life. I packed up Friday night, and left very early Saturday morning leaving everything behind at this point just to get away and try to clear my mind. I've drove halfway across the country just to get far away from everyone. I've pushed this girl so many times and I'm afraid that this time I may have pushed too hard. I just wish she would give me one chance just to show her how sorry I am. How much she means to me. I don't know how to keep going on without this girl in my life. I think about her every minute of the day. Wondering, hoping if she thinks of me. It sounds though that every bit of love she ever had for me has turned into pure hatred. Can anyone give me some kind of advice on dealing with this? On how to just do something? I can't seem to function, it seriously feels like half of me is gone. The best part of me. I miss her so much and I don't know what to do. It will eat me alive daily, but I am willing to take as long as it does. Because my heart is hers and will always be hers. If I have to wait the rest of my life, be single, be alone, then I will. Because my heart is already spoken for. Like I said everyone says give her space, give her time... it's hard. We've spoken every day for the last year and a half, actually a little more. I am so madly in love with her, and just don't want to give up on something that seemed so perfect. Not before our fairy tale can truly begin. I've never been more sure about anything in my life. I mean nothing. I can make this girl happy. I just don't know how to get myself out of this hole I dug, that has been getting deeper for months.. If anyone has any comments I would be so greatly appreciative of them. I'm so lost, and I don't open myself up to anyone. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[Old Flame]

Buy some chewing gum, chew it and spit it out. Pretend its her.

 

Waste your life on someone who wants you, not on someone who doesn't want you.

[NoMagicBullet]

Stick with your counseling. I hope you are addressing all your issues from the past so you can stop reacting in negative ways because of them. And you need to be doing this counseling for you, not to win this girl back. If you can put yourself and your life back together, maybe later on you and this girl can reconnect. Then again, maybe not. Who knows?

 

For now, though, you cannot move forward with her, and you have to accept that. Let her be for now and work on yourself. It's hard, it really is, but take it one day at a time. Keep up with daily routines and try to focus on things other than her. Keep moving forward on your own to make your life better, and keep doing this for the next several months at least. When you no longer feel lost and you can open yourself up to others, then try contacting her again -- only when you are whole and healthy again, and you know that your happiness is in your hands, not hers. Then if she still wants nothing to do with you, it's not the end of your world, it's just the end of that chapter of your life and you go on to turn the page and start a new chapter. Give it time.

[torque]

I am in counseling for myself. When I snapped that night, I literally felt like I had two different people inside of me. I felt like I had been storing up all this anger, hurt, hatred, etc. that I had been storing up for years all exploded and it went out on her because I was scared of losing her. It scared me enough to know I don't ever want that to come out on anyone ever again to anyone.

 

I love this girl with all of my heart. She was my best friend, and the love of my life, and for all of this to just happen it really hurts every day. I know I had pushed her away and neglected her due to work. I feel like I had a blanket over my eyes and it took this much to remove it. That I was not the guy she fell in love with, that something else was walking around instead of who I really am. Who the guy she fell in love with was. I'm working to better myself. I actually just picked up and left home and drove to a random place just to get away to clear my head. We had plans to get married, and have kids, and all that stuff. It's hard to believe she is willing to just throw it all away, and act as if she doesn't care at all..

[NoMagicBullet]

I am in counseling for myself. When I snapped that night, I literally felt like I had two different people inside of me. I felt like I had been storing up all this anger, hurt, hatred, etc. that I had been storing up for years all exploded and it went out on her because I was scared of losing her. It scared me enough to know I don't ever want that to come out on anyone ever again to anyone.

 

I love this girl with all of my heart. She was my best friend, and the love of my life, and for all of this to just happen it really hurts every day. I know I had pushed her away and neglected her due to work. I feel like I had a blanket over my eyes and it took this much to remove it. That I was not the guy she fell in love with, that something else was walking around instead of who I really am. Who the guy she fell in love with was. I'm working to better myself. I actually just picked up and left home and drove to a random place just to get away to clear my head. We had plans to get married, and have kids, and all that stuff. It's hard to believe she is willing to just throw it all away, and act as if she doesn't care at all..

 

You are already far ahead of many people -- some people live out their anger, frustrations, and insecurities during their entire lives and all of their relationships suffer from it. Knowing you don't want to do that ever again is the first step of making changes for the better.

 

After some time has passed, you may be able to put yourself in her shoes and see what it was like from her perspective. I doubt she wanted to or even felt like throwing away what you had and your plans for the future. Your neglect and the angry explosion could have made her question if you were really suited to being a good husband and father and if your relationship had a future. I'm sure she did care, maybe still does care, and is very hurt. She likely doesn't trust you like she did before. People can only take so much indifference or negativity before they decide to walk away. There are reasons behind your actions, but she had to live with your actions, not their reasons.

 

Things may look different after some more time has passed -- both to you and her. Hang in there!