this really hurts

[martial_arts_drummer]

Hi,

Newbie here. Just have to vent. Married 26 years. 3 kids that are older and self-sufficient.

 

We have had problems for a long time, and communication was non-existent. We tried marriage counseling, but we only went twice and she quit. I have tried talking, I have tried everything I could think of. It just didn't work. She doesn't trust me, thinking I am a lying cheating whore. (I have NEVER cheating on her)

She moved out 1 week ago and it hurts. I really want the marriage to work and I am still willing to work on it, but I realize it takes two people. It is out of my hands, but GOD DOES THIS HURT.

 

 

thanks

[standtall]

Need more info. Is there drugs/alcohol involved by either person? How about abuse? Third party? Do you/her have some kind of mental illness? Women usually don't leave marriages unless one of the above is going on.

[martial_arts_drummer]

no alcohol/drug issues. No abuse.

 

I feel she is clinically depressed. I realize my opinion is skewed, but the kids feel the same way, so there is probably some validity to it.

 

To make matters worse, she was just diagnosed with breast cancer, and got laid off from her job. To say she was stressed would be an understatement.

She chose not to share any of this with me.

Edited February 26, 2012 by martial_arts_drummer

[standtall]

Laid off, breast cancer, separating, and move out all at once? Sounds like she is running away from her problems or not being honest with you about what is really going on. You're right

 

I really want the marriage to work and I am still willing to work on it, but I realize it takes two people.

 

and therefore you cannot force her to stay or change, so the only thing you can change is yourself and the way you react to her. This includes the 180 and not being a doormat as you don't want to lose her respect. If she is depressed or bipolar, is there anyway you can get her in to see someone.

 

However, this doesn't add up..what else is going on?

[martial_arts_drummer]

Nothing that I know of. One of the major advantages to posting on the net, is that

I maintain some semblance of anonymity. I would gain nothing by adding/subtracting or

changing any of the story that I have posted so far. My wife told me that she is staying

at a friends house (female) and I believe this is true. I do not think she has been cheating

on me.

I cannot blame the bad relationship on the job or the cancer. It has been bad for several years. The kids have grown up, and we had NO communication whatsoever.

 

 

However, this doesn't add up..what else is going on?

[coopster]

I agree with standtall. She`s moved for whatever reason. Best thing to do is give her space.

From what you`ve said she`s gone through a lot but at the same time hasn`t involved you in any of it?

 

Sometimes backing off gives her time to think. And YOU .

 

Does she know how you feel about her? Have you told her?

[elfman]

Hey man, sorry to hear you're going through this. I am in no position to give much advice since I am going through something very similar. I have gone to therapy by myself for a month now, (we went together but she decided she did not need it), and also, I have read a lot of information on the net and other forums. Have you considered that your wife might be going through a "late MLC" or maybe Menopause?

 

The problem I am having is a "early MLC", she feels she did not accomplish enough during her 20's and she feels she is missing out on life by being married, not realizing that being married can offer that experience too, if sought by both parties. I tried myself, for over 2 years, to become this "perfect guy", but it wasn't enough. I think by reading your story I can relate because you show an evident care for your family, from what you write.

 

Another thing in common with your story in mine is the fact that people too believe my wife might be depressive, and the doctor even suggested doing tests, which she refused outright. One of the main steps to get help for this sort of thing is to "want" to get help... so our hands are tied until they realize our intentions are not to "institutionalize" them or commit them to an asylum, but rather to help in the process of healing. My wife doesnt trust my intentions either, so in this respect, we are SOL.

 

I can only hope this goes better for you than it has gone for me... and you're right, this hurts like a kick in the groin... only worse.

 

Best of luck bud, hang tough and remember at a certain point, when all options are spent, you have to man up and remember your self-worth.

 

E.

Edited March 27, 2012 by elfman
spell

[Owl]

Why does she accuse you of cheating? What causes her to suspect/react this way?