Marriage Guidance Needed

[ManicLove]

Please somebody help me!

 

I'm 25 years old and will have been married for 5 years this year, having been with my husband for 7. We have had our problems as all couples have but recently it has reached breaking point and last week I moved out 'for a few days'.

 

I love my husband and he is good to me and kind and looks after me. He's not perfect but then nobody is but overall he is a really good guy. I'm not sure how much or what I should tell you, but please bear with me and I will do my best to explain.....

 

I have always suffered from severe depression from the age of about 15 and have a history of self-harming. Last year I was diagnosed as having bipolar effective disorder and was put on both anti-depressants and anti-phychotics to stabalise my moods, although I am not considered an extreme case and have never been hospitalised or made any suicide attempts. My husband is very supportive of this, although I do feel that sometimes through his 'caring' he can actually be quite controlling and I feel very trapped a lot of the time.

 

I have never really been that interested in sex with my husband but I chose comfort and security over passion and thought that it would be ok although as things have gone on I have found myself hating sex with him more and more and often have to cross my fingers until it is finish and bite back the tears so he doesn't notice how much I hate it. The only way I am ever able to get involved is if I have had a drink and then I don't usually mind as much and do ocassionally enjoy it. I did think that this was because of my and my psychiatric problems and so I saw a therapist for about a year to try and work through the problems there but nothing really changed, I just got on with it and hoped for the best. My husband has a far higher (and less inhibited) sex drive than I do and used to talk to me about threesomes, etc which I would go along with because I wasn't really averse to the idea.

 

Then, about a year ago we have a threesome (twice) with a male friend which I loved but it confused things as I developed feelings for the other guy and for a while we would message each other secretly. I told my husband at the time that I had feelings for someone else and we almost split up then but decided to work at our marriage and although I would see the other guy out and about, nothing happened again and we stopped messaging. It was around 6 months later that I was put on the anti-psychotics (probably in part due to my promiscuity) I wasn't allowed to drink on my medication and about 2/3 months after that I went out for the night with my husband (I NEVER go out without him) and decided not to take a tablet so I could have a drink. I then enjoyed drinking and so didn't go back on the tablets though remained on the anti-depressants and began drinking more frequently, going out at least twice a week and getting drunk. I was aware that I was doing it because I was desperately unhappy but carried on anyway because drinking made me forget for a while. A couple of months later still, my husband and I had another threesome (again, twice) this time with a female friend (although I think I was more involved than my husband was). This didn't bother me and I found myself hoping that my husband would fall in love with her so that I could get away. That didn't happen.

 

Around the same sort of time, the previous guy kissed me and we got back in contact (despite him being in a relationship) and have met up loads of times since and I still have all these feelings for him a year later. I wouldn't say that I love him because I don't know if I do or if I am actually capable of love but I do know that I enjoy being with him and do have some sort of feelings, whatever they are.

 

I then had a mental health appointment where I was taken off the anti-depressants that I was on in order to let my system settle before evaluating any further medication as I had stopped taking one lot and not the other without getting advice from the professionals.

 

I have felt trapped, suffocated and basically not really in love anymore and so after a build up of things, last week moved out of our home and am now staying with my mum. My husband is devastated and I know that what I have done to him is killing him and he is saying all the right things to work at the marriage and has agreed to couples counselling and therapy for his own issues and says that he is willing to do whatever it takes for me to move home again. I have told him that I do want to work at the marriage and that I love him and while the latter part is true, I am not sure I want to go back and think it might be best to have a clean break, rather than go back only for the same thing to happen again as I am fairly sure it would, having been desperately unhappy for the past year. That said however, I don't know how many of my actions/reactions are down to my mental disorder, medication and lack of medication and what I actually feel. Mostly, I don't really feel anything. I worry that if/when I go back on the medication I will be more sedated and therefore able to go back and live a life that I am not happy with because I am dosed up and my feelings are hidden but then on the other hand, I don't know if I am acting irrationally because I am not being controlled medically.

 

So, in short, I don't know what to do. I am content living on my own and dream of having a flat by myself and my own independence, but I worry that I could be making a mistake either way. I am going back to my mental health team and therapist this week, but I also am acutely aware that no-one can tell me how I feel or what I should do but any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated. I want to do what is best all round and I know it would be easier to go back and live the 'comfortable' life, even if it isn't actually the one that will make me happy.

[KathyM]

You need to have your moods stabilized as a first thing, with proper medication. I always thought that lithium was what was used for bipolar, rather than antidepressants, but in any case, work with your team of therapists to get your mood stabilized as a first thing. Secondly, stop with these sexual relationships with people outside your marriage. It only makes you confused and unsure of what you want. Do get marriage counseling, to help you sort through your feelings and what went wrong in your marriage. MC is not only for those who want to improve their marriage. It is also for those who need help to clarify their feelings for themselves and to decide what they want to do, whether it be to stay together or to divorce. Lastly, stay off the alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant, and has no place in a person's life that is bipolar. Just because you don't take a pill one day doesn't mean you can drink that day. Medication stays in your system for awhile, and it is never safe to mix drugs with alcohol, especially for someone who is deeling with a mood disorder. Your life is in a downward spiral now. You need to remove these things from it that are damaging to it--the sex with outsiders, the drinking. You need to manage your illness and stick to the prescribed medication. And lastly, you need marriage counseling to help you decide what you want to do with your relationship.

[ManicLove]

Thank you so much Kathy, it feels so good to have someone to talk to. I am aware that I shouldn't have stopped my medication, started drinking or had any sexual encounters outside the marriage (the first one wasn't my idea after years of my husband asking me for a threesome, the second one was me being destructive however) and I have an appointment with my old therapist tomorrow and my mental health team in a couple of days. I was put on anti-depressants before my bipolar got diagnosed and then was given the anti-psychotics to take along side them to stabilise the manic side (not lithiam, but similar) so you are right. I just don't know how much of this can be put down to my mental health and how much is how I actually fee but I guess that will come out eventually. How long should I stay at my mum's? My husband wants me home but I just don't feel ready to go back yet and I don't know if I ever will even though I have told him that I will work at it.

[KathyM]

Thank you so much Kathy, it feels so good to have someone to talk to. I am aware that I shouldn't have stopped my medication, started drinking or had any sexual encounters outside the marriage (the first one wasn't my idea after years of my husband asking me for a threesome, the second one was me being destructive however) and I have an appointment with my old therapist tomorrow and my mental health team in a couple of days. I was put on anti-depressants before my bipolar got diagnosed and then was given the anti-psychotics to take along side them to stabilise the manic side (not lithiam, but similar) so you are right. I just don't know how much of this can be put down to my mental health and how much is how I actually fee but I guess that will come out eventually. How long should I stay at my mum's? My husband wants me home but I just don't feel ready to go back yet and I don't know if I ever will even though I have told him that I will work at it.

I would suggest going back to your home with your husband for now and working on these other issues--stabilizing your mood, marriage counseling, etc. I'm afraid I have to run so I'm not late for church, but I hope what I've said is helpful to you. Good luck. Hang in there.

[pteromom]

I wouldn't necessarily go back to your husband right now. I would take this time at your mom's to get stabilized so you can logically analyze everything you are feeling and most importantly, what you want your life to be.

 

During this time away from your husband, you also need to make sure you stop all texting and communication with the other guy and any other men/women you have any type of romantic interest in.

 

Also - NO DRINKING.

 

You need to take a little time to re-normalize yourself and figure out what you want.

 

And your husband needs to be able to commit to a monogamous relationship with you in order to move forward. No more threesomes, and no more cheating. I don't think open marriages are always bad, but I think they are bad for YOU, as you have your own issues to work on and don't need the extra drama.

[ManicLove]

I wouldn't necessarily go back to your husband right now. I would take this time at your mom's to get stabilized so you can logically analyze everything you are feeling and most importantly, what you want your life to be.

 

During this time away from your husband, you also need to make sure you stop all texting and communication with the other guy and any other men/women you have any type of romantic interest in.

 

Also - NO DRINKING.

 

You need to take a little time to re-normalize yourself and figure out what you want.

 

And your husband needs to be able to commit to a monogamous relationship with you in order to move forward. No more threesomes, and no more cheating. I don't think open marriages are always bad, but I think they are bad for YOU, as you have your own issues to work on and don't need the extra drama.

So I've been away for coming up to two weeks' now (it will be on Wednesday) and I still don't really know where I'm at or what to do. The more I stay away the more I feel like that is what I need to do and that it is the right thing for me but I am hurting my husband so much and he is making such a huge effort to win me back and get me home and has said that he is going to address all of the issues that we have had and is going to see a therapist himself to sort out his own issues of possessiveness and his controlling behaviour and on paper, everything seems good and like it could work but I just don't feel the way I used to and I think that the damage might already have been done and I'm afraid that if I go back and try and work things through I'll just end up hurting him more in the long run if I leave again and it's the old adage of if you love them, set them free, which I think applies to both of us. I want him to be happy and have someone love him as much as he loves me and as much as I want to be able to love him but I just don't think it's there anymore and it's killing us both. I've seen my therapist and the mental health team and both think that this doesn't actually have anything to do with my mental health issues and that just is what it is and the more I'm away, the less 'mental' I feel. But when I am at home I certainly do feel mentally ill. My husband thinks it's all down to my mental health and on the one hand, he is the person that knows me better than anyone and may be right, but on the other, it may be easier for him to believe that then recognise that I just don't feel the way I used to anymore. I know passion and sex go after a while in a marriage anyway and it's not that I'm looking for those things elsewhere but I don't have them with my husband and the act of sex and intimacy with him actually repulses me. I went to therapy a few years ago for that problem because I thought it was me and past experiences that made me feel that way but having had the threesome/sexual encounter with the other guy, I realise that it's not actually sex itself that I can't manage or deal with but having it with my husband doesn't feel right because the feelings aren't there. He is my best friend in the whole world and does know me better than anyone else and for years has been my support and my life and my world (we got together when I was 18) and the thing is that I want him in my life and I don't want to lose him as a friend, but I can't have both and so if I don't go back, I will lose all the other good things in him and is friendship more important than love? I don't want to be unfair to him or to myself and I don't know what to do. Somebody, please, please, help me!! Back in December I remember talking to my brother about it all and at that time I felt that I couldn't stay and I couldn't leave and there didn't seem like there was any way out other than suicide. I haven't tried to kill myself and I won't because I might fail, don't know what to do and ultimately believe that I won't get into heaven if I do (not that it looks like I will anyway now) but I don't feel at that breaking point just yet, although the point is that the fact I felt that way shows that things weren't right. I've now made the move and I've left my home and my husband but he thinks we can work on things and keeps talking about 'when' I go home, rahter than 'if' and is trying to make plans to make our lives better together but I just don't know. Please help me someone.

[Indy25]

Have you considered calling a crisis hotline? It isn't going to take away the pain you are going through right now, but it might give you the resources you need to get on the path to recovery. Most of the people who work those things have been through exactly what you have been through at one point in their lives.

 

Don't be embarrassed or afraid to ask for help!

[pteromom]

I think you are overthinking this whole thing. You don't HAVE to make a decision right now. You can take small steps toward finding out what you want.

 

First, tell your husband you are not ready to make a choice. And to STOP bringing it up because bringing it up is just making it seem as if it would be easier to run away.

 

Tell him you will go on a date with him, so that you can see if rebuilding what you had is possible. No sex, unless YOU feel inspired to do it. It will be as if it is a first date, and just fun. No talking about you moving back, and no talking about what happened in the past. The goal is just to see if you can re-build your connection. If that date goes well, you'll go on another date with him. And you'll see what happens.

 

No expectations and no promises. Tell him all that up front. In an email. So he can read it 100 times before your date and know what the purpose of the date is.

 

If you find those old feelings stirring, you can keep working toward getting back together.

 

If you find that you are still feeling nothing, you can simply say no to the next date.

 

As far as suicide, if you feel you are really thinking about it, call a hotline or hospital immediately. I'd go ahead and have the number ready next to your phone just in case.

 

BUT - know that you are in control of your own life. AND your choices. You don't HAVE to do anything you don't want to do. Your husband can cry and beg and yell and scream and you still have the choice whether you want to go back or not. It is not up to him, and you are NOT in a corner here. You have a world of opportunities in front of you, and it is completely your choice which path you take. You have the power - all you have to do is CLAIM IT.