Is it weird that i want to send my ex's stuff?

[desertsessions]

Hey all, I've felt kind of lost lately in my journey of life. I guess my story goes like this...

 

Back in 2008 I met an intelligent, beautiful, and all around amazing women. At the time I met her, my dad had just passed away so I was dealing with a lot of depression. It was perfect timing for her to come into my life actually, it helped to love someone when i felt so down all the time. Things were perfect for the first six months.

 

After that, I started getting depression again due to just not having a hold on my life or any direction. My ambition gauge was running on empty. Her on the other hand, was pursuing something she loved and inside I was really happy for her. On the outside, I showed nothing but jealousy. I was upset she was in school, going to get a good job, and I was working a bunch of dead end jobs. It's not that I was even jealous of her, as I said, I was happy for her. It's the thought of what would happen if I stayed working these dead on jobs, what she would eventually think of me...It really got inside my head while dealing with depression.

 

Long story short, I wasn't acting myself at all. I found myself lying to her, making her feel bad to make myself feel better and just being a total neglectful boyfriend. To be honest, she was wonderful through it all...Yes she fought with me, but I was always the one who started it. She was very reasonable and was the most caring person ever. I really believe she tried her hardest to see this horrible personality swing I had obtained through.

 

Sadly, one to many false promises led her to fall out of love with me. In the mind state i was in at the time of course it made my personality ten times worse. I got super upset she broke up with me, which lead to more of me being a complete jerk. She gave me many chances and i ruined them all. Even after being broken up for half a year she would call once in awhile, and try to strike up conversation. Legitimately tried to be my friend, but I just bombarded her cheesy ways to get her back...Clearly she saw no change in me...so decided it was best if I just didn't speak to her anymore. (Looking back, this is all completely understandable) I probably looked insane.

 

She contacted me once more a couple months later asking for some things back...to which i said yeah sure...but then I changed my mind and thought. You know what, she decided to just ignore me and not talk to me anymore...so I'm not doing anything for her..i guess this is it. She sent a couple emails asking if the stuff was on the way. I ignored them all. She sent one last one saying "you shouldn't say you're going to do something then not do it...i'm done with this silliness" and blocked me on facebook.

 

Which i was fine with, because i had no intent to speak to her anymore. Then last summer I saw her briefly at a music festival we used to attend. She looked at me as she walked by and completely gave me a cold shoulder. It actually felt really ****ty.

 

Ever since that, I've felt I wronged her so much...I don't know how i was so close minded to all this before...but she put up with a lot and I should respect her for that. The funny thing is, I really did love her a lot. I still hold a little feelings for her, sure feelings have faded but I love who she is as a person. I love everything she stands for. It's been 2 years now, and I know she hates me with a passion.

 

Recently with my life, I decided to stop sulking, work a crappy job and save money. Going back to school. I'm on my way to a career, and I'm steadily moving in the right direction (Before my dad passed away, I was a very chipper person haha). I'm finally feeling much much happier everyday again, I've gone back to being a respectful caring person. I'm mortified with how i used to act. I will never ever revert back to how negative I once was. I don't even know myself how I let myself get that low. With getting myself back comes my morals, and I believe everybody is equal and should be treated with respect.

 

This has me thinking about my ex lately...

 

I really want to send her stuff back to her, and a little bit of money I owed as well. I'm ashamed of how I acted, and how neglectful I was. I'd love to talk to her again, but I definitely don't expect it. I truly just want to do this from my heart because it's the right thing to do. I want to do it for her, not me. I always had ulterior motives before, but for once I have none. It's okay if she never forgives me, I still want to send the stuff.

 

I just want to get some thoughts on all this and sorry for the long read.

Edited February 26, 2012 by desertsessions

[AlexanderMaritana]

After reading your story I don' think its weird to want to send her stuff back.

 

It sounds like you are growing as a person, and that feeling inside you have of needing to get back in touch with her is probably to do with this.

 

Thinking about it from her angle you probably damaged her self esteem a bit. You feel bad about this from what I gathered. My advice- find her, get her stuff back to her and somehow communicate to her (in person would be good if you get the chance) that you really did love her and the way you treated her was just where you were at in your life at that stage. She might really appreciate it. At the end of the day you will feel better for letting out the truth and making something right by returning her stuff regardless of her reaction.

 

Sorry to hear about your Dad. You learn a lot when you get that low. Congratulations on getting yourself back up and creating what sounds like an exciting future.

[desertsessions]

After reading your story I don' think its weird to want to send her stuff back.

 

It sounds like you are growing as a person, and that feeling inside you have of needing to get back in touch with her is probably to do with this.

 

Thinking about it from her angle you probably damaged her self esteem a bit. You feel bad about this from what I gathered. My advice- find her, get her stuff back to her and somehow communicate to her (in person would be good if you get the chance) that you really did love her and the way you treated her was just where you were at in your life at that stage. She might really appreciate it. At the end of the day you will feel better for letting out the truth and making something right by returning her stuff regardless of her reaction.

 

Sorry to hear about your Dad. You learn a lot when you get that low. Congratulations on getting yourself back up and creating what sounds like an exciting future.

 

Yeah i just have a feeling the resentment she holds towards me is very high. She actually told me when she broke up with me that I've scared her self esteem cause i always made her feel like ****. People do change though, and people do go through tough times that makes them do things they never would. I'm a prime example of that and I'm not even speaking highly of myself.

 

I wouldn't spring anything on her, I actually want to give her the respect of never speaking to her again because I'm sure that's what she wants. And i care about her enough that I want to follow that through. I have to contact her though if i was sending her stuff to her, just to make sure she's still at the same address and I'm kind of worried too. I know she would probably appreciate it, but I know she hates me so much.

Edited February 26, 2012 by desertsessions

[CC12]

Apologizing and sending her stuff back plus the money you owe her would be the right thing to do, but don't do it at all if you're using this as an opportunity to get back in. Usually people do these things for selfish reasons, for their own closure or peace of mind, or whatever, but if that's not the case with you, it might somehow benefit her to know you're sorry. And I'm sure she'd appreciate having her things back.

 

That said, I don't think she owes you a gosh darn second of her time or energy. Just send her an email so that she can simply click delete and ignore you if she chooses.

 

Some suggestions: Be brief, apologize for your behavior and be very careful not to use language that might make her feel guilty (don't say any sad sack lines like, "If you never want to have anything to do with me, I'll understand.") and don't make it sound like she's going to owe you anything if she wants her things back. There's no need to go on about how much you've changed and how you're a better person now. That doesn't concern her and it usually just sounds like BS.

 

Basically, only say you're sorry for being so rotten to her and for not sending her things back sooner. Ask if she'd like them back now and if so, how she'd like for you to get them to her. That's it. Seriously, you should not bother her with a long email full of emotion that will dredge up the past. She does not deserve any more crap from you.

 

You sound like you're doing much better now, so that's good. Be careful, though, because she might just ignore you or she might send back an email full of hate. If a bad reaction from her will ruin the personal progress you've made, then maybe you're not ready for this yet.

[desertsessions]

Apologizing and sending her stuff back plus the money you owe her would be the right thing to do, but don't do it at all if you're using this as an opportunity to get back in. Usually people do these things for selfish reasons, for their own closure or peace of mind, or whatever, but if that's not the case with you, it might somehow benefit her to know you're sorry. And I'm sure she'd appreciate having her things back.

 

That said, I don't think she owes you a gosh darn second of her time or energy. Just send her an email so that she can simply click delete and ignore you if she chooses.

 

Some suggestions: Be brief, apologize for your behavior and be very careful not to use language that might make her feel guilty (don't say any sad sack lines like, "If you never want to have anything to do with me, I'll understand.") and don't make it sound like she's going to owe you anything if she wants her things back. There's no need to go on about how much you've changed and how you're a better person now. That doesn't concern her and it usually just sounds like BS.

 

Basically, only say you're sorry for being so rotten to her and for not sending her things back sooner. Ask if she'd like them back now and if so, how she'd like for you to get them to her. That's it. Seriously, you should not bother her with a long email full of emotion that will dredge up the past. She does not deserve any more crap from you.

 

You sound like you're doing much better now, so that's good. Be careful, though, because she might just ignore you or she might send back an email full of hate. If a bad reaction from her will ruin the personal progress you've made, then maybe you're not ready for this yet.

 

Well when she asked for her stuff back a year ago, I was sending it back for selfish reasons. I thought hey, this might be another in. Partly why i said screw it, this can't go in anymore and just ignored her after I said I would. I want to actually do this for her, not me. I was full of ulterior motives before and I'm sure she will think this is just another one, but it's not. If she doesn't respond that's fine cause I'm just sending an email telling her it's on the way. (I know she probably hasn't moved, since she just moved into this place in 2009) but it's just a heads up. I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't be happy that she has had time to heal a bit, and was friendly. I don't expect it though.

 

Hows something like this,

 

 


This may seem out of left-field, but I handled things like a jerk when you asked for your stuff last year. You’re right, I wasn’t a 100% honest with you. It was beyond selfish of me, and you didn’t deserve that one bit. I thought about myself, and what i wanted more than I liked to believe at the time. I’ve sent a package in the mail with your stuff in it. I also put a money order in the package, it should cover whatever i still owed you. I don’t expect any kind of forgiveness. 



 

I just really let myself spiral, when I should have kept my composure.



 

Take care, 


 

 

 

Does this seem free of BS? I want it to be sincere, and short.

Edited February 26, 2012 by desertsessions

[leoc1973]

Hey you sound like you have done a lot of growing up and that is great. I can tell just by your writing that you are reasonably intelligent. I am sure that is another thing that tore her up is a smart guy working in dead end jobs.

 

She must have really loved you if she put up with you while you put her through what you did. That being said I am sure that if she were to hear from you or see you her heart would skip a beat.

 

I think you are handling it right but the wording is all wrong. If you write her a note like that you are pointing out all the reasons she broke up with you. You don't want to remind her of the bad you want her to remember the good and the love she had for you.

 

I think you should word it a lot differently with all positive comments. Tell her you are sorry sure but don't point out your shortcomings. Tell her all the things you have done to better your life and tell her thank you because it was losing her that made you do it.

 

Do not give excuses women hate that! Own up to everything and say how and why you fixed it. Tell her that you wish she had met the man you are today. Maybe she will be intrigued. And if you do get to meet her look sharp!

[desertsessions]

Hmm yeah I thought what I had was okay, but on a second scan thru it may be basing to much on the past. Thing is, I want her to know I am sorry for that stuff. Also, I have said sorry many many times in the past but would always fall through to the same patterns...so I was thinking of maybe not even saying sorry?

 

How would you guys word the message? I want it sincere, but not over the top. I find what you said a little confusing because, i've heard from so many you don't want to go on about yourself in a message. To not tell her how your doing much better blah blah. I don't want to come off like OH LOOK AT ME, I'VE CHANGED.

Edited February 27, 2012 by desertsessions

[Frank13]

What I would send is -

 

"I’ve sent a package in the mail with your stuff in it. I also put a money order in the package, it should cover whatever i still owed you. I am sorry how I acted about this last year. "

 

 

I wouldn't even put "take care". I would leave out the sentence " I don’t expect any kind of forgiveness." as that makes it seem like you are fishing for forgiveness.





[CC12]

Frank13's briefness is right on, I think.

 

But I think you should ask her if she'd like to even have those things back, instead of just sending them to her. Give her the choice.

 

Here's basically what I would write:

 

"I've been doing some reflecting, and I realized that I treated you poorly. I sincerely apologize for my behavior. You were good to me, and you didn't deserve any of that. I still have your things. If you would like them back, please let me know how you'd like them sent to you."

 

For sure I think take out these parts:

 

I don’t expect any kind of forgiveness. 



 

I just really let myself spiral, when I should have kept my composure.



 

Those statements are (hopefully) irrelevant to her. They only apply to YOU, and that's not why you're writing her. Take yourself out of it.

[leoc1973]

Something like: I just wanted to make sure you got your belongings back. I also wanted to thank you. I have done a lot of growing this past year and if it weren't for you I may have never got that push to get back in school and find a better job. Straighten out my credit and getting myself in better shape(or whatever else you did positive) You were always there for me and I will always cherish our time together. I would really like to catch up sometime.

 

X

 

This way she knows you have changed its not just words. Women don't like when they had you broken and think of a new person having you fixed. They also like to fix guys and the though of fixing you will flatter her. Also you are showing her that she is special. And then saying she was always there for you. the thought of being there for you again will be irresistible.

[CC12]

the thought of being there for you again will be irresistible.

 

Hang on, irresistible? I thought the point was to not manipulate her or to persuade her in any way, and just say, "Sorry, here are your things back."

[desertsessions]

so i shouldn't apologize for lying to her at all? cause i know that hurt her quite a bit when she found that out.

[leoc1973]

CC12 I think he wants another chance with her. If he is just trying to get some stuff off his chest with no chance of reconnection then he should just say what he feels and get it all off his chest but I really think that he would love another chance with her.

 

I think if you word it right she will know you are sorry and know that you know that you screwed up a good thing but if you read about how humans work we all forget the bad and remember the good. You wanna be careful what you apologize about because you don't want to start reminding her of the bad stuff. I think when she gets your package you want her to have a nice smile on her face not a look of disgust. You want her to start thinking not just dismiss it as some a-hole she used to date.

 

But again if you just want to clear your conscious then say whatever you have on your mind.

[stillafool]

I like Frank's suggestion. Don't call her because that will seem like you are just using sending her stuff back as an excuse to call. Just send the stuff back. But if that happened back in 2008 she probably has a boyfriend by now. BTW, when she gets her stuff back through the mail, you will know she is interested if she calls you. I wouldn't suggest you call her. Get a 'confirmation of mail delivery' when you mail the box at the post office so you won't have to wonder if she got the box, you will know.

Edited February 27, 2012 by stillafool