WhiteChocolate Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 I have been seeing this guy. We're in the friends-but-almost-dating stage. We've spent a lot of time together over the last month studying, walking places together, lunch/dinner, random social events, etc. I'm getting the vibe that we might talk about a relationship soon. I need help responding! I prefer a man to at least be somewhat fit. You don't have to be an athlete, just have a bit of muscle. And this guy is reed-thin, like he doesn't exercise at all, and also doesn't have good eating habits. It can't be good for his health and it also makes him less attractive. I really like and admire this guy...just not his lack of exercise. And I go running about twice a week, maybe I could invite him along...? But I also don't like running with people because I like to just zone out and go at whatever speed I want. What should I do?? I would eagerly date him if he started exercising.
Voldar Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 Well I'd say that getting someone to exercise isn't easy if they don't want to. I'm as very skinny like that guy you described. As far as building muscle, it takes a lot to stick to it and work each muscle group and make sure you get enough protein and calories to even gain weight and muscle. I have been planning such a thing for a year now, but I realize how hard it's going to be trying to go to the gym alone. I've employed my brother to start going with me. So your best bet is to ask him if he'd like to go to the gym sometime, see if you can get him into it as an activity for you two to do together. As far as running goes, I've also been doing research on that and as a skinny guy running is going to hold him back gaining that muscle. Basically he needs all the calories to help gain the weight and muscle and by running he's going to be spending all that time burning off calories needed to build his muscle and at the same time exhaust himself when you need to rest to let your muscles have time to regain and grow. So it's not quite as easy as it seems if you want him to have more muscle. If you want him to just be more fit, then running wouldn't hurt. It'll build his stamina and keep him from gaining excess weight, but if he's anything like myself, he doesn't eat enough calories to gain weight. Eating better couldn't hurt either, but that's something he has to want to do once again.
TheFinalWord Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 I have been seeing this guy. We're in the friends-but-almost-dating stage. We've spent a lot of time together over the last month studying, walking places together, lunch/dinner, random social events, etc. I'm getting the vibe that we might talk about a relationship soon. I need help responding! I prefer a man to at least be somewhat fit. You don't have to be an athlete, just have a bit of muscle. And this guy is reed-thin, like he doesn't exercise at all, and also doesn't have good eating habits. It can't be good for his health and it also makes him less attractive. I really like and admire this guy...just not his lack of exercise. And I go running about twice a week, maybe I could invite him along...? But I also don't like running with people because I like to just zone out and go at whatever speed I want. What should I do?? I would eagerly date him if he started exercising. Friends but almost dating? He's about to get friend zoned, poor fella I doubt you're going to get him into bodybuilding. That is a major lifestyle change. Plus if he's skinny, it is generally harder to gain muscle. As a general rule, you should accept the person the way they are if you intend on getting in a relationship with him. Don't try to change him. How would you feel if he said he liked you but wish you had a bit more chest, or a tighter butt? You just need to do these lunges every week and take these pills...see what I mean? If you don't accept him the way he is at the outset, then it's better to just not get into a relationship. Even if he started bodybuilding for you, he'd stop and resent you for it once you got past the honey moon stage. Good luck. 2
xpaperxcutx Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 Its easier to lose weight than gain muscles. If he's reed thin then he has a high metabolism and he's going to need to eat ALOT to bulk up. Running won't help him. He needs to hit the weights to get results. He has to want to go to yhe gym not because u want him to.
EasyHeart Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 Its easier to lose weight than gain muscles.It depends on the person. Lots and lots of people have a way easier time gaining muscle than losing weight. What should I do?? I would eagerly date him if he started exercising.Nothing. You can't change people and you can't make your willingness to date someone conditional. How would you feel if a guy told you he'd date you, but only after you lost 20 lbs.? Or if someone said they'd only date you if you got a new job and made more money? We all have to accept our potential partners as they are. If you can't get over your physical requirements, then find a guy who meets them and leave this poor guy alone. He deserves to date someone who thinks he's attractive, regardless of his weight.
maybealone Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 I agree that it's hard to get someone to exercise if they don't want to. Besides, if he doesn't enjoy exercising he probably won't stick with it for the rest of his life, which is basically what he would need to do to make and keep his body the way you want it. Now, if what you really want is a partner with a more active lifestyle, that's something I think you could talk about. Maybe you could hike together or find some other physical activity that you both enjoy. That could even include going to the gym together if he wants to do something like that.
kaylan Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 Dont go into a relationship looking to change him. Be careful about that. It seems that you arent that attracted to him as it is, so I would say to keep things in the friendship area. I dont feel its healthy for people to make early dating decisions that are contingent on the other person changing something about themselves. Either you are attracted to him right now, or you arent. People fall into this trap too often where they date someone because they seem good enough, but then overlook certain things that bothered them in the beginning. And you cant just get over something like physical attraction. People end up getting led on when you do that. If something is important to you in a mate, then find a mate who has that. Dont try and change someone you arent even seeing yet. Would seem to me that you are settling on what you really want. Dont do that. People get hurt when you settle, because eventually you come across someone whos got what you want. What happens if you meet a fit, smart guy who clicks with you in the future....and this guy is still skinny and doesnt exercise? 1
Author WhiteChocolate Posted February 25, 2012 Author Posted February 25, 2012 Okay, I understand. Ty all for the replies.
denise_xo Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 Dont go into a relationship looking to change him. Be careful about that. Either you are attracted to him right now, or you arent. People fall into this trap too often where they date someone because they seem good enough, but then overlook certain things that bothered them in the beginning. If something is important to you in a mate, then find a mate who has that. Dont try and change someone you arent even seeing yet. Quoted for truth.
somedude81 Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 Burn the infidel! How dare you think he's not perfect the way he is now!
TheFinalWord Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 Okay, I understand. Ty all for the replies. PS: Sorry if that came across as blasting you. For the record, I don't think there's anything wrong with you wanting someone who has a healthy lifestyle. I work out a lot and couldn't imagine being with someone who didn't care about health. But getting someone who doesn't care about health, to change for a relationship is a recipe for disaster. I know because I've tried. haha Basically there's three body types: Ectomorph: sounds like your friend. High metabolism, hard to gain weight. The plus side is they stay lean even when eating a lot to gain weight, i.e. they'll have a 6 pack even when gaining weight. But they have to have extreme dedication to the diet. They have to consume large amounts of calories. Mesomorph: these are guys that don't even work out and have muscle. Natural athletic build. Can gain muscle easily and lose fat quickly. Most professional bodybuilders are mesomorphs. They were huge before even touching a weight. Add weights and steroids and they end up being 280 lbs at 5'9". Endomorph: these are the shorter, stockier type. They gain both muscle and fat pretty easily. Most people are a mix and match of two of these body types.
Feelin Frisky Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 PS: Sorry if that came across as blasting you. For the record, I don't think there's anything wrong with you wanting someone who has a healthy lifestyle. I work out a lot and couldn't imagine being with someone who didn't care about health. But getting someone who doesn't care about health, to change for a relationship is a recipe for disaster. I know because I've tried. haha Basically there's three body types: Ectomorph: sounds like your friend. High metabolism, hard to gain weight. The plus side is they stay lean even when eating a lot to gain weight, i.e. they'll have a 6 pack even when gaining weight. But they have to have extreme dedication to the diet. They have to consume large amounts of calories. Mesomorph: these are guys that don't even work out and have muscle. Natural athletic build. Can gain muscle easily and lose fat quickly. Most professional bodybuilders are mesomorphs. They were huge before even touching a weight. Add weights and steroids and they end up being 280 lbs at 5'9". Endomorph: these are the shorter, stockier type. They gain both muscle and fat pretty easily. Most people are a mix and match of two of these body types. Endomorphs are not "shorter". I'm one and tall. Endomorphs are just prone to weight gain or obesity and are on the opposite end of the spectrum from the ectomorph who is naturally under-weight and has trouble achieving healthier bulk. Mesomorph is where it's at--the luck folks who don't have to do much of anything to appear just right and whom readily build muscle when they try. I have pumped iron for years and though I can have big arms, strong legs, I never look "cut"--EVER. And there seems to be a ceiling where I just can't get any more muscular no matter how hard I work. Endomorphs and ectomorphs are nerds whereas the mesomorph looks the alpha. This is of course gross generality to describe body and metabolism types in three categories and has nothing to do with capacity of each type to be a wonderful and love-worthy person (or the opposite).
somedude81 Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 Also just because a guy is an ectomorph doesn't mean he has a six pack either. I'm an ectomorph and yeah it's hard for me to gain muscle and fat, but the first place any fat goes is on the stomach. And my stomach is the only place where I have fat on me, even then it's not that much.
TheFinalWord Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 (edited) Also just because a guy is an ectomorph doesn't mean he has a six pack either. I'm an ectomorph and yeah it's hard for me to gain muscle and fat, but the first place any fat goes is on the stomach. And my stomach is the only place where I have fat on me, even then it's not that much. These are generalizations fellas. Yes you can be tall and endo. Yes you can be ecto and have a pouch on your belly. You can defy any of these body types. You guys know b/c you've been training for years. Most women don't know basic male body types or how much effort it takes for men to add muscle. My main points was the OP may have unrealistic expectations even if he started working out. Like I said, very few fall exactly into these categories. Usually a blend. More info: Your Body Type - Ectomorph, Mesomorph or Endomorph? | Muscle & Strength Edited February 25, 2012 by TheFinalWord
FitChick Posted February 25, 2012 Posted February 25, 2012 You can set an example of the proper way to eat, "I love fish and it's a great way to maintain my muscle." Cook him high protein meals. Play some sport together. He really needs to eat more and many single men just don't care about food but once they are married they tend to gain weight because their wives are looking after them.
Author WhiteChocolate Posted February 26, 2012 Author Posted February 26, 2012 You may accept this guy's lifestyle today because you are infatuated with him. No crystal ball but this difference will probably be a relation killer down the road. It will 'bug you' and dissatisfaction or resentment will grow. You've only known him a short time and already you want to change him. I agree with this. It's going to be tough spending less time with him and telling him no, but I hope we remain friends. It makes me feel selfish and shallow "friend zoning" for this reason, but it'll save our feelings down the road. And TheFinalWord, no offense taken you make really good points. I really appreciate everyone's perspectives
FitChick Posted February 26, 2012 Posted February 26, 2012 (edited) What harm is there in telling this guy that you feel in his current state of unfitness, you would not be compatible and you wish he'd be more open to health and fitness like you are. He might surprise you by wanting your help. He probably is clueless like most people. If anyone is on the verge of dumping someone, why not tell them why so they can improve for you or for the next person? There are many unhappy people getting dumped over and over probably for the same reason but they have no idea what that reason is. At least give them the choice. My first boyfriend in college dumped me and I was heartbroken. Many years later I ran into him at a business function and we talked about old times. I asked him why he had dumped me. He said he hadn't found me feminine enough because I wore trousers and not skirts but he didn't want to hurt my feelings knowing how sensitive women were about their appearance. But it was okay to just dump me? Fortunately, we were both mature enough to laugh later at the "folly of youth." Edited February 26, 2012 by FitChick
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