Do emotional abusers treat different partners differently?

February 25, 2012

I started posting on this forum in an effort to get over this one guy but its been really hard because i see him regularly at work (i work with him). Now i think i am mostly over him but there is just ONE ONE ONE thing that really really haunts me and has me in tears all the time.

I consider myself a nice girl and sometimes too nice. People have said this to me before. I don't have any enemies and if someone is not nice to me then i make every effort to stay away from any interaction with them. I would never do anything intentional or consciously to hurt someone ever.

Now i met this guy last year, we dated for a couple of months and then i (yes, me) ended our daily communication because it had dawned on him that he (yes, him) didnt want to be with me long term because of our age difference/different times in our lives (he's younger). Even after he told me this, he was still happy to chat to me everyday but i could feel myself falling for him so i had to end our communication. Now at the time he was seeing me he was in a long distance r'ship which had been going on for four years (2 years non-LDR and 2 years LDR) but when he met me he had talked about ending his LDR so that was why i got involved (mistake in hindsight).

Anyway, in the couple of months we were seeing each other there was some emotional abuse (name calling, jealously, not answering my phones calls, rudeness when talking to me, getting angry with me, disrespect). I never confronted him about this and just let it pass.

What i keep questioning (and what troubles me the most) is whether he was like this with his LDR girlfriend of four years or previous r'ships. They finally broke up at the end of last year and she is having ALOT of trouble moving on. He seems to be fine and he is currently consoling her/being there for her via long distance. However I am in tears wondering whether it was ME that brought out this emotional abuse in him? It seemed that he was very respectful of her and sensitive to her but was able to treat me like crap during out time together.

I am racking my brains wondering whether i could have brought out this behaviour in him. I understand that cheating on her with me is also disrespectful but i think he feels that it was ok to be with me because he was going to break up with her anyway.

Can anyone tell me whether its possible for someone to bring out bad behaviour in others? Would an emotional abuser behave nicely to one person but not to another? Or is their behavour innate and comes out depending on situation and people?

February 25, 2012

How can you conclude that somehow you had anything to do with inspiring that behavior in him? There seems to be such a geographical difference in where you and the LDR woman are physically located, in relation to him, that you couldn't eliminate the chance that it is distance, and not you, which brought about the change in his behavior toward women.

February 25, 2012

Who you are and what you demand determines how someone treats you.

I have been told on a number of occasions how men have negatively treated the women they were with before me but that they would not treat me that way because I would not allow it.

Respect yourself and demand it from those around you.

Nothing you did encouraged his behaviour....he is what he is. Never blame yourself for someone else's behaviour. If you are a nice person, you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.

Edited February 25, 2012 by Ghosst

February 25, 2012

No, they don't. They treat all people the same eventually. Just takes time - they size you up, figure out their power over you and use it to their advantage. He doesnt have the power over her right now, but he has it over you.

Run for the hills and don't look back. He is/was exerting power by treating you badly and undoubtably does with everyone in his life that loves him.

Sorry to be blunt, but if you know/suspect you are being abused, emotionally or otherwise, get out... life is short. No one deserves it, nor should they worry if they caused it. Trust me, you didnt.

February 25, 2012

Who you are and what you demand determines how someone treats you.

I have been told on a number of occasions how men have negatively treated the women they were with before me but that they would not treat me that way because I would not allow it.

Respect yourself and demand it from those around you.

Nothing you did encouraged his behaviour....he is what he is. Never blame yourself for someone else's behaviour. If you are a nice person, you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.

Excellent post, cannot agree more.. btw, your quote is my fav quote too - "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

February 25, 2012

How can you conclude that somehow you had anything to do with inspiring that behavior in him? There seems to be such a geographical difference in where you and the LDR woman are physically located, in relation to him, that you couldn't eliminate the chance that it is distance, and not you, which brought about the change in his behavior toward women.

I don't think i understand what you are saying sincereOG. I wonder whether brought out this behaviour in him because this guy has heaps of friends, is very popular and has told me that his ex was a close to being a perfect girl for him despite her religion. I hate to think that my behaviour/interaction with him had anything to do with the way i was treated. Although i know we are not ever going to be together nor will he ever want to be with me, it really eats me up wondering whether i could have brought on this emotional abuse. My self-esteem has taken a HUGE plunge over the last few months.

February 25, 2012

So he cheats on his long-distance girlfriend for months and you consider this respectful behaviour?

petal, before you go down this road, it's also time to consider your own complicity within this triangle. You knew he was already with someone but chose to date him anyways, fine to have caused the supposed break up. Then, you allowed him to abuse you and didn't make issue over any of it.

Forget the idiot. It's time to work on yourself, including the belief of niceness. What you did wasn't so nice.

February 25, 2012

So he cheats on his long-distance girlfriend for months and you consider this respectful behaviour?

petal, before you go down this road, it's also time to consider your own complicity within this triangle. You knew he was already with someone but chose to date him anyways, fine to have caused the supposed break up. Then, you allowed him to abuse you and didn't make issue over any of it.

Forget the idiot. It's time to work on yourself, including the belief of niceness. What you did wasn't so nice.

Threebyfate, the day we spoke about "us" was the day he told me that he had a GF and was soon going to break up with her. I thought this was going to happen soon but in the end it happened several months later and was half of the reason for me stopping communication with him. I was not the reason/trigger for him breaking up with her. He had this planned this before me. I never would have engaged in this behaviour if he had told me he had a GF that he wasn't breaking up with.

February 25, 2012

Threebyfate, the day we spoke about "us" was the day he told me that he had a GF and was soon going to break up with her. I thought this was going to happen soon but in the end it happened several months later and was half of the reason for me stopping communication with him. I was not the reason/trigger for him breaking up with her. He had this planned this before me. I never would have engaged in this behaviour if he had told me he had a GF that he wasn't breaking up with.

So after the one discussion, you never spoke about the issue afterwards for months?

February 25, 2012

I don't think i understand what you are saying sincereOG. I wonder whether brought out this behaviour in him because this guy has heaps of friends, is very popular and has told me that his ex was a close to being a perfect girl for him despite her religion. I hate to think that my behaviour/interaction with him had anything to do with the way i was treated. Although i know we are not ever going to be together nor will he ever want to be with me, it really eats me up wondering whether i could have brought on this emotional abuse. My self-esteem has taken a HUGE plunge over the last few months.

Dangerous thinking Petal... YOU do not cause yourself to be abused, others that abuse CHOOSE to. We are all responsible for our own behaviour and actions.

That being said, you DO have a choice to either accept it or not. I know this from many yrs of struggling with abuse.

Abusers are very good at looking "perfect" on the outside. They hide this part of their personality to the outside world and only hurt the ones that they know love them and will tolerate it.

February 25, 2012

My ex treated me differently from the woman he cheated on me with. With me, he kept telling me he wanted to be with me and wish he had more time. He had all kinds of walls up and kept me away from him son.

I knew he had issues, but I tried to understand and bought his reasons for doing things...which were lies.

With her, he barely knew her but moved to the same city she lived in...which was my city too. He told me be build his life around her and brought his son into their lives. It was the one of the most painful things I had ever witness. With her, he let her get close to his son. With me, he used his son as an excuses to cheat on me.

But in the end, I think he was lying to her. One time I was in his car and she called. He did not tell her I was in his car. He just said he was not there yet because he got "held up." I also think he lied to her and told her that he was single when they started seeing each other.

Overall, I think he treated her much better than he did me, but the therapist said it was not about her...it was about him and what he could get from her. She was old, ignorant, disabled, a smoker (he hates cigarette smoke) and a recovering alcoholic. The therapist said he might want to get her disability money. I think it was the fact that she only knew him for a very short time and did not require him to use condoms.

February 25, 2012

Maybe they abuse them in different ways . My ex called me names , witheld affection as a form on punishment , told me how to cook , clean etc , and he was threatening towards other people too .

So I do not think that they ever change , unless they go and get help and admit that they are ****ed in the head . But they hardly ever do .

Even after the relationship ends , they still have a hold on you . You will get through this x

February 25, 2012

So after the one discussion, you never spoke about the issue afterwards for months?

yes I raised it a month and a half later and at that point he said that he was going to break up with his GF the end of the year (which he has now done). he had to buy time because she was in the final year of her degree and he didn't want to stuff the year up for her.

i guess the mistake i made was not asking him about his breakup timeline. I thought he was going to break up within the next month of us starting to see each other.

when he told me when he was going to actually break up with her at the end of the year, it started the rollercoaster ride we went on (emotional abuse) which eventually lead to me stopping all communication with him exactly a month later.

But leading up to me stopping communication, i told him that we could not continue to engage in "emotional infedility" because

1. i was guilty for what i was doing to his GF

2. i questioned him on how he could continue with this "emotionally infedility" after saying his GF was such a great girl whom he respected.

3. i was also concerned about his emotional abuse towards me but i never told him this

I believe the reason the emotional abuse was when i asked him about (2). I know i am to blame just as much as he however i think could have approached (2) differently. That's why i believe i brought on this emotional abuse.

To this day he is disrespectful to me.

Edited February 25, 2012 by petal28

February 26, 2012

I just broke up with a girl who is bipolar. It was my first bipolar experience, and it was one too many unfortunately. Anyway, when we split, she said the nastiest things to me I have ever heard in my 41 year old life. I mean just nasty crazy things like no girl could ever love me, that's why I need my dog because it doesn't know any better than to love me, and she hopes my dog dies so that I have to deal with not having anyone around who loves me, blah blah blah, go on for 5 more pages of writing.

What did I do? I blocked her from facebook, blocked her number, and avoid any place she goes. Dignity is not about how somebody responds when they are treated right, it is about how they act when they are treated poorly. This girl had a 100 pages of flaws I could have thrown in her face, to pay her back for the terrible things she said to be but..... no thanks.

If you said all the worst things, to a dignified mature man, he still wouldn't mistreat you in return.

February 26, 2012

I just broke up with a girl who is bipolar. It was my first bipolar experience, and it was one too many unfortunately. Anyway, when we split, she said the nastiest things to me I have ever heard in my 41 year old life. I mean just nasty crazy things like no girl could ever love me, that's why I need my dog because it doesn't know any better than to love me, and she hopes my dog dies so that I have to deal with not having anyone around who loves me, blah blah blah, go on for 5 more pages of writing.

What did I do? I blocked her from facebook, blocked her number, and avoid any place she goes. Dignity is not about how somebody responds when they are treated right, it is about how they act when they are treated poorly. This girl had a 100 pages of flaws I could have thrown in her face, to pay her back for the terrible things she said to be but..... no thanks.

If you said all the worst things, to a dignified mature man, he still wouldn't mistreat you in return.

Thanks fucpcg. You're are right. And you know what, even if i had hurt him when i "blamed" him for what he was doing to his GF (emotional infidelity wiht me) which was followed by him being disrespectful towards me (emotional abuse), he still continued to be in contact with me and still continued to be rude/disrespectful and punished me (ignoring my phone calls, not calling me back, etc).

I'm sorry you went through what you did and it's very nice to hear how you behaved towards thsi girl despite how she treated you.

February 27, 2012

I don't think i understand what you are saying sincereOG. I wonder whether brought out this behaviour in him because this guy has heaps of friends, is very popular and has told me that his ex was a close to being a perfect girl for him despite her religion. I hate to think that my behaviour/interaction with him had anything to do with the way i was treated. Although i know we are not ever going to be together nor will he ever want to be with me, it really eats me up wondering whether i could have brought on this emotional abuse. My self-esteem has taken a HUGE plunge over the last few months.

OK, one thing we know for certain, YOUR BEHAVIOR had exactly zero to do with bringing out this guy's abusive traits.

Although you did not give us the tiny details relating to just when and for how long he was in a LDR... to the extent which I can tell, HER unavailability to him could well have heightened his unsavory and immature frustration, which then came out full force in front of you (because you were the person nearest at the time).

You seemed at first to be ever so eager to see in yourself the reason why HE went berzerk, and as near as I can tell, we can't eliminate the chance that it was the effect of his being so far from this other woman, that heightened his abusive acting-out.

(it's a lot easier to fawn over another woman when the woman to whom you're supposedly committed isn't sleeping beside you every night, and across from you at breakfast and dinner every day)

(it might even be easier to abuse another woman under the same conditions)

(his ex could have been 'a perfect girl' for the 2 years they were in close proximity... but he might have resented her for being away from him for the next two years... and THAT, rather than YOU, could have heightened his abusive ways)

February 27, 2012

OK, one thing we know for certain, YOUR BEHAVIOR had exactly zero to do with bringing out this guy's abusive traits.

Although you did not give us the tiny details relating to just when and for how long he was in a LDR... to the extent which I can tell, HER unavailability to him could well have heightened his unsavory and immature frustration, which then came out full force in front of you (because you were the person nearest at the time).

You seemed at first to be ever so eager to see in yourself the reason why HE went berzerk, and as near as I can tell, we can't eliminate the chance that it was the effect of his being so far from this other woman, that heightened his abusive acting-out.

(it's a lot easier to fawn over another woman when the woman to whom you're supposedly committed isn't sleeping beside you every night, and across from you at breakfast and dinner every day)

(it might even be easier to abuse another woman under the same conditions)

(his ex could have been 'a perfect girl' for the 2 years they were in close proximity... but he might have resented her for being away from him for the next two years... and THAT, rather than YOU, could have heightened his abusive ways)

Ohhh i don't undestand why/how that caused the abusiveness however i am reassured that you think that i didn't bring out his abusive behaviour. He had been in a r'ship for 4 years (i'm pretty sure i said that somewhere) and 2 years was non-LDR and 2 years was LDR. When we first met he said the r'ship was going down hill and he didn't seem that keen on her. It just took him a whole 9 months to break up with her.

February 27, 2012

You said he had a girlfriend when you started seeing him. How does this make you a nice person? He told you he 'still' had a girlfriend while you were seeing him, also how does this make you a nice person?

He was 'going to break up....'. You kept seeing him? Exactly what type of self esteem do you have?

Unlike others here, I'm not so quick to dump on a guy we don't really know much about except through you perception which is questionable at best as to what is 'nice and not nice' or 'right and wrong'. You saw him for 'a couple of months'...you were older than him ...he refused to return phone calls...he was disrespectful.

Yes this guy ay have been emotionally abusivel but some of the variables may be you trying to shift your rejection on to the character of this fellow.

Yukon i know what i did was very bad and maybe i derserve the hurt i went/going through.

In my defence, when i first met him i asked him twice whether what we were doing was ok cos i felt guilty about his GF to which he reassured me that all was good and so i thought the break up would happen soon.

About a month later he had gone back home to visit her, came back and still had not broken up. We continued seeing each other for a month (only emotionally involved never anything physical) and then i couldnt take it anymore so i stopped the contact

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