Still think about her a lot after 29 years

[markinmaryland]

After reading others' stories on this board about pining for an old girlfriend after many years and it's given some solace to know that I'm not the only one being consumed by feelings of regret, guilt, and confliction. Since I've not been able to shake what seems to have developed into a mild obsession, I thought I'd share my story in hopes that it will unburden me from this seemingly constant distraction. This is long, so my apologies in advance.

Some context: I'm 50+, an educated and successful professional, been happily married to a great women for 25 years. Our marriage is strong, everything is good.

 

My issue: I met "Terry" (not her real name) when I was in college - we both worked at the local Sears store. She was 4 years my junior, was an exceptionally sweet, pleasant, well-adjusted, intelligent, wholesome, and attractive girl - impossible not to like. We pretty quickly fell in love and had a passionate relationship for about 2 years despite my episodic fits of being a sarcastic, vindictive, and all-around jerk. As I approached graduation, I decided I wanted to move on. She clung tightly to me for several months but I was really an ass and made it difficult for her. She came to my graduation and then left that afternoon for a week at the beach with some of her friends. It was at the beach when she met the man that she would later marry. Well, once she told me that she had met someone, now all of a sudden I wanted her back. I badgered her about "re-starting us" and even made attempts to sabotage her relationship. After her new romance developed for several weeks, she got a little more forceful with me and I finally stopped bothering her. It was probably a good thing (especially for her) that we didn't reconnect since it took me several years for my jackass tendencies to moderate down to an acceptable degree and during that time I would have no doubt continued to be a difficult person to love. This was 29 years ago but I remember it like it was last week.

 

I largely forgot about her for a good while once I met my wife. After being married for several years, I'd think about Terry from time to time, but it wasn't really until the arrival of Facebook that my thoughts and their frequency about her ratcheted up several notches. After finding her on Facebook, I'd check her page several times a week to see if she had posted anything new. I did several different flavors of Google searches to find any scraps of info about her. I suppose part of this was driven by nosiness, but a big part of it was driven fond memories of her and of us.

 

Fast-forward a bit to one week before this last Christmas. I ran into Terry at the local Office Depot. I ended up in the check out line behind her. She greeted me with a big (and beautiful) smile and gave me a short, friendly hug. I could feel my heart pounding like crazy and I was very nervous - just like a little kid. We exchanged some very brief, benign small talk about Christmas before our conversation was interrupted when she was next for check out at cashier #1. At the same time, I stepped up to check out at cashier #2. I got finished first, walked past her, lightly touched the back of her shoulder without breaking stride and said "it was great to see you again Terry", and then walked out to my car. As I got to the parking lot, I felt like such an idiot and was mad at myself for not waiting for her so we could talk further.

 

So this chance meeting has now kept Terry in my thoughts almost constantly and it's been 2-1/2 months now since I saw her. I find myself imagining scenarios about other chance meetings that we might have and what I might say. The daydreaming is not unpleasant, but it is consuming way too much of my brain power and is affecting my ability to perform up to par at work. I have no choice here other than to get over it - I know that. But, but, but, but…I still want to have a conversation with Terry, to hear about her life, and to enjoy the pleasure of her company for just a few unhurried minutes. And I want to tell her that I deeply regret the things that I said and did. I want to tell her that while I understand it was a long time ago and we've both built lives with other people, if there was any way for me to travel back in time and have a do-over with her and me, I would certainly do things differently. The rational part of me knows that this would likely mean next to nothing to her. She's long since moved on and her memory of me and of us is probably comfortably in her past and that's where it will stay. But the hopeless romantic part of me still wants to say this to her. But I know that's not an option. I will not do anything to jeopardize my marriage (like contacting an old girlfriend), and the absolute last thing I would want to do is to have it appear to Terry like I was trying to re-insert myself into her life and consequently have her think that I'm still a jackass. So I'm left with purposely trying to not think about her…which seems to make me think about her more J Hopefully I can beat this obsession soon and get back to normal. Does anyone have any recommendations for purging these thoughts from my goofy brain?

[betterdeal]

When do these thoughts occur? What are you feeling immediately prior to going into one of these phases where you think perhaps overly about her? Maybe you're using this type of thinking as a form of self-soothing when faced with certain difficulties, such as difficult emotions to do with something more immediate in your life, such as work or your marriage.

 

The arrival of Facebook has meant that we're faced with the objects of our fantasies in real form, which confuses things a lot. Fantasies and good memories are all part and parcel of the human condition, but when they get met with the real person they are based on, things can get muddled up.

 

This could be an opportunity for you to put to resolve your feelings for this other woman and resolve any difficulties you have in your actual life as it is now, be that with your wife, your work, your social life or come what may.

 

Talking to someone in confidence who won't be pushing you either way may give you the space you need to discover what it is you really want. A good counsellor, therapist, priest or even a colleague or friend (be careful who you pick - someone who doesn't know your wife socially is a good idea so that they don't have a conflict of interests) can be that kind of sounding board for you.

[sweetheart5381]

Funny, am on the receiving end of this right now.

 

My very first love (I was his too as he recently confessed) has recently reconnected with me after 23 yrs. He has told me that he deeply regrets ever breaking my heart (he broke up with me), that he made a big mistake and wants to be a part of my life again in whatever capacity is best for me. We are both single so it is a little different.

 

I must say it feels a lil odd to find out that a distant memory still thinks about me. It does however feel nice to know to that I am still remembered in a fond way.

 

That being said, I dont think there is any harm in letting her know that you think highly of her That will be appreciated I'm sure. Perhaps a cup of coffee and a 30 minute conversation with her to express your feelings of guilt and regrets will ease your mind.

[2sunny]

I vote no. Unless you plan to take your wife along for this visit.

 

Meeting an old girlfriend without your W knowing is as good as cheating.

 

You need to understand its the PAST for good reason!

 

Start getting connected to your W instead of your old lover. How wold you like it you found out your wife had been consuming all her mental energy on her old boyfriend?

 

Start building INTIMACY with your wife. Mentally get close to her - THEN you won't find it so easy to drift into this other woman.

 

Spend time and energy on your wife... The more your think of the other woman - the more you spend time with your wife!

[markinmaryland]

All,

 

Thanks for your thoughts and support.

 

betterdeal - I don't know that there is anything specific that drives me to these thoughts other than perhaps idle time. When I'm engaged in something specific, I suppose I'm not thinking about her. Confiding in someone would be comforting but I don't think anyone in my circle of friends or colleagues would be a good choice. I don't wish to be sneaky so I don't think there is any practical way for me to engage with a counselor without telling my wife.

 

sweetheart 5381 - Putting aside the fact that I will not purposely contact Terry, I will say that a 30 minute conversation with her would be really great. But looking at this realistically, I'd be inclined to think that it could be received as me being a little selfish - like I'm just trying to make myself feel better about being such a clod many years ago. I cannot imagine that she has been tortured all these years by negative memories of me. So other than her feeling like "gee, it's nice to know Mark thinks highly of me", I don't think it would mean a whole lot to a well-adjusted, happy-married woman to hear me say that I regret what I said and did 29 years ago. But if for some crazy reason it did mean something to her, now I've just raised the potential for causing her angst - something I do not want to do.

 

2sunny - to reiterate from my original post, I have no plans to initiate contact with Terry and I don't see our chance meeting as "connecting with an old lover" nor do I see myself "drifting into this other woman". I have no desire for any surreptitious meetings for precisely the reasons I stated initially. Furthermore, I've had a few front-row seats watching others ruin their marriages with extra-marital affairs and I have no intent on experiencing that first-hand. In terms of my wife, the first thing I did after returning home from the store was to tell her that I saw and talked to Terry. I didn't want there to be any appearance of something more significant transpiring other than a chance meeting and some very brief and benign small talk. Putting more energy into my wife? Yup, got that, and as a matter of fact, I found myself doing precisely that since I saw Terry. I'm very much a right-brained, rational thinker most of the time and I expect this part of me will keep my hopeless romantic, overly sentimental portion fully in check.

[markinmaryland]

Thought I'd go back and re-look at this thread. It's hard to believe that a year has gone by - harder still to read this and feel that little has changed. I still think about "Terry" quite a bit, daydream about having another chance meeting and what I would say. At times I think about ways that I might "create" a chance meeting. I know that's a dumb idea and fortunately I've kept myself from pursuing it.

 

I wish I could explain what's eating at me without sounding like I'm talking in circles. I love my wife very much, feel lucky to have her, and I believe our marriage is solid. However, we're very different in many ways and at times we get on each others' nerves. When we have our little spats (like all married couples) I almost always end up wondering if "Terry" and I would have been a better match. Which is really pointless, because it doesn't matter at this point, we won't be together, I don't really know the person that "Terry" has become, and if through some bizarre cosmic magic I was given a choice between living the rest of my life with my wife or changing it and living with "Terry", I could never choose to leave my wife...but I still can't stop thinking about "Terry".

 

I've already started the circle so maybe I should stop rambling. It does make me feel a little better just being able to openly whine about this silly mental conundrum that I seem stuck with. Maybe that is the therapy I need.

[betterdeal]

That's what LS is for