It kills me to keep the distance.

[downriver]

Just last night, my girlfriend of 2 years decided that she needs to be independent and single to figure things out in her life. We've both been together since we were high school seniors and we're in the middle of our second year in college now. She's 20 and I'm turning 20 in a week. Since college started, we've been long distance (8 hours away). I visited her this past President's day weekend, and it was amazing to be with her. I thought things would be just fine, as we had plans on doing things together for spring break among many other future plans. But she's been feeling "numb and empty" due to her holding in feelings and not seeking her roommates/friends for advice on what she's been going through.

 

I've been the best boyfriend I could be to her, and she told me that I didn't do anything wrong. It was simply because she needed to sort out what she wanted to do in life, as she always pictured herself being single in college before we got together. Ever since I came along, her life plan was changed (in a positive way). But fairly recently, she's been wondering what it could have been like if she was single in college. She constantly feels guilty by having these thoughts while she's with me. And to be in a relationship with me, she doesn't want to encounter these thoughts and constantly wonder. She doesn't want the space to meet other guys. She specifically told me that she cannot see herself with anyone else and that she still cares so much about me. She just doesn't seem to want a boyfriend right now.

 

After our breakup on the phone, she called me again later in the night. She said that she felt like she lost her boyfriend and best friend in one night and didn't know what to do. I went online and we chatted. She said the same things about being on her own and independent. Although we got along very well in the conversation, and it was something that was missing due to our long distance. At this point, we are still broken up, and she said that now that we are, she realized that doesn't want anyone else but me. Yet she thinks she has to be on her own.

 

It's killing me to keep no contact. I want to show her I can be the person she fell in love with, without her. I really respect her and want her to be happy. But for the past 2 hours since waking up, I've been trying to text her, to get her back, but I can't get myself to send them because it'll ruin the chances of us being together again.

 

Are there any success stories out there? I don't really have that much of a support system since it's hard to make friends at a community college. I feel so broken even though I'm trying to handle the situation in the best possible way. I miss her and love her so much.

[jus d'orange]

Hi there,

 

I know what you're feeling very well. My ex left me a few weeks ago, and one of her biggest reasons was the desire to be independent and single. She likewise stated that, before being with me (we were together for 3yrs 8months, all of it a LDR with occasional long visits) she had envisioned herself as living her life independently. She said she also wasn't sure about us and about committing to me further until she'd dated other people and explored her life with other people, although she didn't have anyone specific in mind.

 

This is very hard to hear, especially since a LDR is hardly crushing someone's independence, in my opinion. But the feeling of wanting to be single also means she is not picturing herself with you... she doesn't want the relationship at the moment, even if she is confused about it. She has done the best thing for both of you by ending the relationship and preventing a slow decline that can hurt both of you deeply.

 

It seems like you're already in a pretty good place in terms of attitude about the end of this relationship. The two of you will miss each other terribly, but it is essential that you view this as a time to make significant personal growth and learn how to see the relationship from a more objective angle. If the two of you are right for one another, and both take this as an opportunity to focus on yourself and grow as an individual the way you want to, then there's a good chance you could reconnect months or years down the road and have a stronger, more committed, and more loving relationship.

 

If you try to fight to keep the relationship that has now broken apart, you will lose the opportunity to have a good relationship (friendship or loving) with her in the future. However, it doesn't seem like you have any intention of making this mistake. When you feel tempted to contact her, or when she sends breadcrumbs your way (little texts that act as temptation to contact), remember that the greatest demonstration of love, self-respect, and maturity is to keep the space between the two of you.

 

One of my best friends had his girlfriend break up with him in a similar manner a couple years ago. They're now trying to work out how to start a new relationship together. Their new relationship will be so much stronger because of what they went through. Likewise, people I know who have gone through a break-up where they didn't end up getting back together with the ex learned a lot about themselves, and their next loving relationship was stronger and more mature as a result.

 

Best of luck to you during this really tough time. Take the time to grieve over the loss of the relationship, but also take time to work on every aspect of your life in the way you want. If she decides she wants to rekindle things in a year or two, think about how much more of a catch you'd be for her if you'd gotten in serious physical shape, were taking care of business in your life, and had worked on some of the problems from the relationship?

[downriver]

Thank you jus d'orange.

 

It's very comforting to hear from someone. I think the worse part of it all is the duration of the day. Minutes feel like hours and hours feel like it just never ends. I also cannot help but keep checking my phone, checking facebook, gchat, or tumblr for the slightest indication of her being somewhere in my life. I know that because of the bond that we share and that fact she said I'm the only person who understands and gets her, we won't be completely gone from each other. But it's still unbearable to realize this is all happening.

 

After rereading our online conversation last night, I've noticed a lot of indicators of her also being confused as to whether or not she should really be on her own. As if this break up will be the worse mistake of her life. She seems to be confused with everything in her life. Initially I thought it wouldn't have affected out relationship because I thought it was just her being unsure about her career. But it got much deeper than that. She had no one to talk to in her suite because her roommate was just recently dumped through an email, and her other suite-mates didn't seem like the best people to speak to about such serious matters. I just wish this was a break in the relationship rather than a true break up. I keep finding myself searching for some sort of comfort in knowing that there is a possibility of us getting back together or that she has some significant role in my life.

 

I completely agree with you on focusing on ourselves and getting on the right path to being better. I think the best thing for the both of us is by letting giving our exes the space.

 

I almost resorted to seeking a therapist, though that option is still in mind.

Edited February 24, 2012 by downriver

[jus d'orange]

If you haven't already done so, go ahead and de-friend her from Facebook, etc. You can let her know you're doing this, if you want to, so she doesn't think it's because you're angry or hate her (some people get the wrong idea; it's just to give space).

 

I know it's very hard to lose someone who was very important and close to you in your life. My ex was my best friend and confidante. She knew things about me no-one else knew. Suddenly it was just me. I really recommend getting in good touch with family and old friends and opening up. People are often more caring and helpful than you might think. Also, go ahead and make an appointment for some therapy if you're considering it, because I don't think it could do anything but help to have some professional, personally-directed guidance. The days will pass slowly and agonizingly at first. Some days will be worse than the day prior. Give yourself time to grieve privately. If you want to reach out to her to pour your feelings (like you have done in the past for previous issues, presumably) resist the temptation and keep it between yourself and friends.

 

Hope for the future is a tough thing to deal with. It doesn't have to be "false," just keep it practical. Recognize that using this time to grow and become the person you want to be can ONLY improve your future. If the two of you are right for each other and available once you've moved on and become the person you desire to be, then getting together is a practical solution for this hope. If no such reconciliation happens, you'll meet someone else wonderful who you deserve to be with. That is also something you can hope for. Either way, you can trust in a better future for yourself and for her if you believe in this breakup as an ultimately good thing where the two of you will grow to become stronger, more mature people.

[Frank13]

 

I've been the best boyfriend I could be to her, and she told me that I didn't do anything wrong. It was simply because she needed to sort out what she wanted to do in life, as she always pictured herself being single in college before we got together. Ever since I came along, her life plan was changed (in a positive way). But fairly recently, she's been wondering what it could have been like if she was single in college. She constantly feels guilty by having these thoughts while she's with me. And to be in a relationship with me, she doesn't want to encounter these thoughts and constantly wonder. She doesn't want the space to meet other guys. She specifically told me that she cannot see herself with anyone else and that she still cares so much about me. She just doesn't seem to want a boyfriend right now.

 

She is suffering from GIGS (grass is greener syndrome) and is at the perfect age to be affected by it.

 

Everything I quoted above is true except the part of her not wanting to meet other guys. Why do you think she feels guilty? When she says she wants to be single, all that means is she wants to me free to date and screw other guys. She would feel guilty doing that if she were involved with you, so the only way to not feel guilty is for her to dump you. Why do you think she even mentioned meeting other guys or not seeing herself with someone else? It's because it is on her mind.

 

You do need to go NC to heal. She may eventually miss you and want you back but the only way that is going to happen is for her to miss you and that will only happen with NC.

[rach24680]

Hey my advice, send ONE letter, email, txt etc. ONE fantastic message that says everything u feel, basically everythin u put on ur post, at the end say you dont expect an immediate reply if any, and ul be waiting if she wants you. Then you have gotten everything out that you want to say and you can stop stressing so much and get your head together =)

[Frank13]

say you dont expect an immediate reply if any, and ul be waiting if she wants you.

 

Nothing will allow her to move on faster with her life than him saying "I will be waiting for you if you want me".

 

That is the worst thing he can say. That gives her his complete blessing to date and screw as any guys as she wants with the security of knowing she can always come back because he will be there waiting for her.

 

It also makes him look clingy, needy and willing to accept being second best to her.

 

The best thing he can do is go NC and move on with his life. That will do more to get her back than saying he will be waiting for her.

[jus d'orange]

Hey my advice, send ONE letter, email, txt etc. ONE fantastic message that says everything u feel, basically everythin u put on ur post, at the end say you dont expect an immediate reply if any, and ul be waiting if she wants you. Then you have gotten everything out that you want to say and you can stop stressing so much and get your head together =)

 

I did this right before the break-up happened. My letter was supportive of her decision and was very heartfelt and lovingly written. I'm not sure if it's necessarily a good idea though, because the person is looking for space-- and it's important to respect that. I'm not sure if writing a heartfelt love letter when they're ending the relationship doesn't just push them away or make you seem too dependent and clingy.

 

If you do decide to send any sort of letter or "last" note, realize that you'll end up wanting to say more things after going No Contact anyway. It's inevitable. Also, it doesn't seem like you would do this, but anything you send should be respectful and supportive, otherwise it just pushes them further away fast.

[leoc1973]

When a girl tells you she doesn't want anyone else she either doesn't want to hurt you or she doesn't want you to go out with anyone else. I wish I could go back in time to the position you are in right now. I screwed everything up from day one. I told her I would always love her(wrong move) I told her I didn't want anyone else(wrong move) I never begged but I did ask her if we could maybe date and see where things would go(wrong move)

 

She told me the same thing. She said the thought of another man after me makes her sick but she just needs to "find herself" meanwhile she is going out with 2 guys a week.

 

I would go nc and she would reappear every month or so to get me to crack tell her I love her and tell her that I wanted her back and guess what? She would disappear again. She wants me back now and do you want to know why? because I don't want her.

 

I can almost guarantee you that if you were to leave her alone and when she tries to contact you blow her off don't even return her calls. Women get obsessive about things and she will go insane. She will cry and get you to tell her you love her and only her and will wait for her forever and then she will go right back to the situation you are in.

 

I really really wish I had the strength to do this when I was first dumped. Funny thing is I knew the rules I just couldn't follow them because she would cry. In the end it worked out better for me anyways cause I met a great new girl but I really did love her.

 

Do this. Go and google things like I dumped him and now I want him back or something like that and you will read all kinds of stories about women who dumped their man and now want them back and they will all have the same underlying factor that makes them want their guy back. The guy told them to go to hell or the guy started seeing a new girl right away.

 

If you want her back she has to feel the same loss that you feel right now. And we all do it we all fall for their crying because we think wow she is crying like this she must want me back so let me offer to get back with her and then those tears dry up like a desert and you are back where you were. While she is banging other guys.

 

And one other thing that gets us men. We panic we feel like if we don't get her back right this minute or really soon she is going to forget or she is going to sleep with someone else. DON'T PANIC!! she isn't going anywhere if you play your cards right!

 

BE STRONG!!

[Frank13]

When a girl tells you she doesn't want anyone else she either doesn't want to hurt you or she doesn't want you to go out with anyone else. I wish I could go back in time to the position you are in right now. I screwed everything up from day one. I told her I would always love her(wrong move) I told her I didn't want anyone else(wrong move) I never begged but I did ask her if we could maybe date and see where things would go(wrong move)

 

She told me the same thing. She said the thought of another man after me makes her sick but she just needs to "find herself" meanwhile she is going out with 2 guys a week.

 

I would go nc and she would reappear every month or so to get me to crack tell her I love her and tell her that I wanted her back and guess what? She would disappear again. She wants me back now and do you want to know why? because I don't want her.

 

I can almost guarantee you that if you were to leave her alone and when she tries to contact you blow her off don't even return her calls. Women get obsessive about things and she will go insane. She will cry and get you to tell her you love her and only her and will wait for her forever and then she will go right back to the situation you are in.

 

I really really wish I had the strength to do this when I was first dumped. Funny thing is I knew the rules I just couldn't follow them because she would cry. In the end it worked out better for me anyways cause I met a great new girl but I really did love her.

 

 

Wow, what an excellent post Leoc. This should be required reading for everyone who gets dumped.

 

I basically told the OP the same thing but you were able to give your own real life example. I also see so much of the "wanting what we can't have" (which I cam guilty of) here on LS and even said in another post that it is almost like a mathematical formula -

 

1. Person A wants person B.

2. Person B refuses to get back together with person A

3. After sometime person B thinks person A no longer wants them

4. Person B now wants person A

5. Person A refuses to get back together with person B because now they know they can have them

 

and the cycle repeats. I have seen posts on here where the cycle repeated 3 times with A wanting B until B wanted A.

[cookieninja]

Apparently this kind of thing happens to young adults once they go to college or university. The 8 hour long distance has nothing really to do with it. It could of also happened if you were in the same college. They say once you go to college and stuff you will most likely break up. Bsides dude.. your in college have the time of your life damn!

[downriver]

Wow! Thank you for all the advice guys. I never thought I'd get so many. I really appreciate it.

 

I think I did something I regret though. I saw her online and I spoke to her and asked if she was doing well. I ended up saying that I loved talking to her and that I'll see her around. Our conversation last night ended with her falling asleep on me, and she texted me saying that she was sorry that she did. I replied saying that it was okay and that sleep is important. Afterall, we talked from 3:30am till 5:30am.

 

Right now though, after speaking with a close friend of mine, I think I will do my best to keep NC. I guess not only will it help me move on, it'll still have the possibility of getting back together with her. I do wish to keep my doors open. Although I'd rather be the person opening the door, rather than being the doormat.

 

As for the heartfelt letter, I don't think I'll be doing that because all that needed to be said was said during the conversation of our break up.

 

And you're right leoc1973, about the panicking. I panicked the whole time after I woke up today. It really is the worse though, waking up from your sleep and having to deal with reality. The past weekend, I spent 4 days with her. I stayed with her in her campus apartment, went to Disneyland, all sorts of the sweet things couples do. But waking up and not feeling her presence next to me or knowing the fact that there will be no chance of the intimacy of being in love and so close hits me like a truck.

 

Honestly though, this relationship is very meaningful. The only things I want to focus on now are just improving my health, focus on my studies so I can transfer out of this dreaded hometown of mine, and giving the space that she needs. In terms of relationships, the one with her is the most important so that rules out me going out and meeting other girls.

[downriver]

So it's been more than 30 hours since I last spoke to her. I know I shouldn't be counting, but I can't help it. This morning, for some reason, I randomly woke up and just had to check the social networks and my phone to see if she contacted me in anyway.

 

Stupid enough, I logged into her email and looked at her recent IMs. Turns out she's doing some very provocative chatting and webcamming with a guy friend of hers. I know for the fact that this guy friend isn't a good friend to her and she knows that he doesn't treat her well at all, but she still goes to him simply because they've been friends since middle school. I feel that she's using him to move on from the break up. I don't know. I shouldn't have done this, but it motivated me to block her from gchat, tumblr, and I unsubscribed and hid her from my facebook newsfeed. I'm even more motivated to stay in NC, but now I'm just hurt to see that after all we've been through, she can just jump into hooking up with guys. I mean where is the self-worth in that? She had everything she needed with me, and she left it all just to "experience" the world.

 

Why do girls resort to doing these things after a break up? I really hope she regrets all of this.

[Frank13]

Stupid enough, I logged into her email and looked at her recent IMs. Turns out she's doing some very provocative chatting and webcamming with a guy friend of hers.

 

I'm just hurt to see that after all we've been through, she can just jump into hooking up with guys. I mean where is the self-worth in that? She had everything she needed with me, and she left it all just to "experience" the world.

 

Look back through the thread and you will see both myself and leoc said she wanted to see other guys, despite her claiming otherwise.

I bet she has been talking to this guy provocatively even before you guys broke up. That's where her guilt was coming from. You said he isn't a good friend and doesn't treat her well. If that is the case, why is she talkin provocatively to him? Also, women like bad boys so she may be drawn to him. Nice guys are boring.

 

 

Why do girls resort to doing these things after a break up? I really hope she regrets all of this.

 

She didn't resort to doing this after a break up. She broke up so she could do these things.

[Jono85]

So it's been more than 30 hours since I last spoke to her. I know I shouldn't be counting, but I can't help it. This morning, for some reason, I randomly woke up and just had to check the social networks and my phone to see if she contacted me in anyway.

 

Stupid enough, I logged into her email and looked at her recent IMs. Turns out she's doing some very provocative chatting and webcamming with a guy friend of hers. I know for the fact that this guy friend isn't a good friend to her and she knows that he doesn't treat her well at all, but she still goes to him simply because they've been friends since middle school. I feel that she's using him to move on from the break up. I don't know. I shouldn't have done this, but it motivated me to block her from gchat, tumblr, and I unsubscribed and hid her from my facebook newsfeed. I'm even more motivated to stay in NC, but now I'm just hurt to see that after all we've been through, she can just jump into hooking up with guys. I mean where is the self-worth in that? She had everything she needed with me, and she left it all just to "experience" the world.

 

Why do girls resort to doing these things after a break up? I really hope she regrets all of this.

 

fact: she wants to be single to experience other guys.

 

the sooner you realize this and accept it, the better.

 

 

the whole thing about you valuing your relationship with her number one, so getting with other girls won't happen, is nonsense. you no longer have a relationship with her. i think it was good you saw what you saw, as it's a wake up call. now go live YOUR life. it's time YOU experience other things and get to know who you are. now you'll have weekends free to do whatever you want. that's a big opportunity. start getting out of your comfort zone and doing things you've never tried.

 

but you have to accept it's over. no more chats or texts. if she asks how you're doing, if you don't want to ignore her (i generally never ignore ppl) just be very brief with her and to the point. do not bring up the fact that she's having fun with other guys, she's entitled to that right. she's not your ownership. a lot of "but i'm on my way out with the guys, so i gotta jet, ttyl" kind of stuff. just stop making her a priority, b/c she shouldn't be. she's banging other guys.

[HollyBolly]

When a girl tells you she doesn't want anyone else she either doesn't want to hurt you or she doesn't want you to go out with anyone else. I wish I could go back in time to the position you are in right now. I screwed everything up from day one. I told her I would always love her(wrong move) I told her I didn't want anyone else(wrong move) I never begged but I did ask her if we could maybe date and see where things would go(wrong move)

 

She told me the same thing. She said the thought of another man after me makes her sick but she just needs to "find herself" meanwhile she is going out with 2 guys a week.

 

I would go nc and she would reappear every month or so to get me to crack tell her I love her and tell her that I wanted her back and guess what? She would disappear again. She wants me back now and do you want to know why? because I don't want her.

 

I can almost guarantee you that if you were to leave her alone and when she tries to contact you blow her off don't even return her calls. Women get obsessive about things and she will go insane. She will cry and get you to tell her you love her and only her and will wait for her forever and then she will go right back to the situation you are in.

 

I really really wish I had the strength to do this when I was first dumped. Funny thing is I knew the rules I just couldn't follow them because she would cry. In the end it worked out better for me anyways cause I met a great new girl but I really did love her.

 

Do this. Go and google things like I dumped him and now I want him back or something like that and you will read all kinds of stories about women who dumped their man and now want them back and they will all have the same underlying factor that makes them want their guy back. The guy told them to go to hell or the guy started seeing a new girl right away.

 

If you want her back she has to feel the same loss that you feel right now. And we all do it we all fall for their crying because we think wow she is crying like this she must want me back so let me offer to get back with her and then those tears dry up like a desert and you are back where you were. While she is banging other guys.

 

And one other thing that gets us men. We panic we feel like if we don't get her back right this minute or really soon she is going to forget or she is going to sleep with someone else. DON'T PANIC!! she isn't going anywhere if you play your cards right!

 

BE STRONG!!

 

Very well said! However, that doesn't only apply to straight relationships. Women are like that in lesbian relationships, too. Mine told me, Oh, I can't imagine sleeping with a man again! just a month and a half before we broke up. And now? She's interested in men on FB. I am a woman myself but, Good Lord, I can't imagine doing that to another person. Some of us are just not all there, I'm afraid.

[ShaneSchommer]

I was recently in a very similar situation my friend. my girlfriend goes to university and i go to community college which like you, i am also finding hard to make friends. She broke up with me for the same reason that she was stressed from feeling pressure to do well in school from her parents and that she needed to figure out what to do with her life. We dated for 2 years and were very much in love. Im sorry to hear what your going through as i know EXACTLY how you feel. But TRUST ME you need to keep no contact. you will only give her what she wants by speaking to her. Which was the mistake that i made too many times. I know how you feel and i hope you can feel better as i am still trying myself.