Sex with a friend

[It happens]

Sorry this is long but give it a read and tell me what you think. Thank you.

 

A friend of mine whom I've known since high school (we're both in our 40s and divorced) have a friendly relationship and go out together occasionally (less than once a month) for drinks and/or dinner. Our interaction between these outings is very sporadic, maybe a text or email once in a great while.

 

When we were in high school, we went out on a few dates but nothing ever developed. After graduation we lost touch for a long time (she moved away) but after her divorce she moved back and so for about 5 or 6 years now we've had this loose friendship. Nothing romantic has ever happened during these last 5 or 6 years.

 

I should also mention that she's someone whose defenses are always up; she not one I would ever say is a romantic and she can be very sarcastic and at times, confrontational. Not confrontational with me, but in general. She does date on occasion but I can see from what she tells me she is never impressed with the guys she meets.

 

Last weekend we were out for drinks and started talking about old friends and high school (we'd had a couple tequila shots and working on our second beers so our tongues were loose) and she asked me why I've never wanted to have sex with her. I said I'd never thought that was anything she'd wanted and besides that we're friends. She said oh, she was glad to hear that because she was thinking I didn't find her attractive. No, I said, that's not the reason at all.

 

So then she leans over and gives me a hard, full mouth kiss. It surprised me, but I kissed back and then pulled away really just because we were in this crowded bar and I felt strange with such a passionate kiss while crammed between all the other bar patrons. She leaned back with the biggest smile on her face I've ever seen her have. Then she kissed me again, several times. I asked her if she was ready to leave, and she said it was up to me. I said well, maybe we do have some unfinished business to attend to.

 

When we got back to her place, I could see she was far too drunk to be making any rational decisions and I was afraid she was going to get sick. Which she then proceeded to do. I took care of her (she could hardly stand or walk at this point), cleaned her up, took off her clothes and got her into bed. She asked me not to leave and I said I wasn't going to; I was too worried about her and would stay until I was sure she wouldn't get sick again. I got down to my boxers and t-shirt and climbed in with her (it was king size bed so plenty of room between us) and we both went to sleep.

 

At about 4:00am, I got up to go to the bathroom and when I got back she was awake. I climbed back in and she moved over and laid against me, arm across my chest and started stroking it. You know what happened after that. It was great, exciting and we went at it for well over two hours. But then finally as the sun was coming up she had a family thing she had to get ready for and I had to be going, too. We hugged goodbye and I left.

 

I should mention that she was completely affectionate, passionate and a very attentive lover. Things I would not really have expected from her.

 

On Tuesday I sent her an email asking if we should get together to talk, I didn't want anything weird between us. She wrote back saying "what are you babbling about...we finished what we started a very long time ago and now we go back to being friends." She also thanked me for taking such good care of her. I wrote back saying I was glad to hear that and that she was welcome. We've not talked since.

 

So, with all that, I'm still left wondering about it. Not that I'm assigning more meaning to the sex than what it was, but I'm wondering will she want to have another night like that? It was amazing and I could tell from her reactions that night she thought so too. Anyone else with an experience like that? Is it like bottling lightening...? I've no problem continuing our friendship and want to but it sure would be nice if this added element were thrown into the mix sometimes. I felt she really opened up and I was a bit dismayed at her response to my email, seeing that she was back to her caustic self. I'd like to think it meant a little something to her.

 

Any input?

Edited February 24, 2012 by It happens

[Million.to.1]

Do you think her attitude could be a defense mechanism?

She acts cold and ruthless because this is her way of preventing herself from possible hurt?

 

How do you feel about her? Is it her "caustic" self that puts you off wanting to pursue an actual relationship with her?

 

From what you have described, she sounds like she has some pretty major walls up around her and this coldness is merely to cover up how vulnerable she feels deep down.

Seems weird that the "ego boost" of the sex with you was all she wanted. to know you found her attractive, and that was it. Weird.

 

Issues. She has issues.

[2sunny]

She told you she intends to go back to the way it used to be. Believe her!

 

The alcohol provided a situation that normally wouldn't happen... I'd stay away from alcohol when with her - in order to get a true reading on what she really thinks/feels. But her word for now is "back to friends".

 

Accept that...

[It happens]

First of all, thanks for reading. I know it was long.

 

Million - The attitude is definitely a defense mechanism. As far as not wanting to pursue a relationship, I just don't think it would work out. We're good friends and have known each other a long time. We're too different and I'm pretty sure she thinks that also. I think your assessment of her is close to the mark. I just want her to know she can be vulnerable with me, if that's what she wants. She doesn't let her guard down often and it was way down last weekend. I don't think it was just to find out if I thought she was attractive; I take the sex at face value and I think she does, too. But she also may be feeling like she made a mistake and I don't want her to think that. I do value our friendship, sex or not.

 

2sunny - I do believe her and I don't think we should be romantically involved, either. But if we're both in romantic dry spells, what's wrong with a little sex between friends? As far as the alcohol goes, she wasn't drunk by the time we actually had sex. I figure if she was regretting what she said the night before she would not have pursued me at 4am the way she did. We've been around each other plenty of times when no drinking was involved. Don't get me wrong, she can be very sweet. And we've been drunk together before and nothing like this has ever happened. Just wondering what changed her mind.

Edited February 24, 2012 by It happens

[2sunny]

First of all, thanks for reading. I know it was long.

 

Million - The attitude is definitely a defense mechanism. As far as not wanting to pursue a relationship, I just don't think it would work out. We're good friends and have known each other a long time. We're too different and I'm pretty sure she thinks that also. I think your assessment of her is close to the mark. I just want her to know she can be vulnerable with me, if that's what she wants. She doesn't let her guard down often and it was way down last weekend. I don't think it was just to find out if I thought she was attractive; I take the sex at face value and I think she does, too. But she also may be feeling like she made a mistake and I don't want her to think that. I do value our friendship, sex or not.

 

2sunny - I do believe her and I don't think we should be romantically involved, either. But if we're both in romantic dry spells, what's wrong with a little sex between friends? As far as the alcohol goes, she wasn't drunk by the time we actually had sex. I figure if she was regretting what she said the night before she would not have pursued me at 4am the way she did.

 

It still doesn't change her words she used after a few days past the occurrence.

 

IF you intend to date her - simply ask her for a proper date!

 

IF you want to use your "friend" for sex only - it may be useful to see IF that's what she wants as well.

 

Which is it?

 

Also - IF you just want to BE her friend - then ONLY be her friend with no sex!

[It happens]

Thanks, 2sunny. No, I don't want to "use" her for sex. I'm not desperate and would not want sex to be the only reason we're friends. We certainly never needed that before. But not knowing how she really feels about it drives me a little nuts.

 

You're right; taking her at face value is the only answer now...best just to leave it as it was, and is.

[2sunny]

Thanks, 2sunny. No, I don't want to "use" her for sex. I'm not desperate and would not want sex to be the only reason we're friends. We certainly never needed that before. But not knowing how she really feels about it drives me a little nuts.

 

You're right; taking her at face value is the only answer now...best just to leave it as it was, and is.

 

But she did tell you how she feels about it - why aren't you getting that part?

 

She wants to go back to being friends.

 

Take that. That's what it is!

 

Listen... I have a FEW very dear male friends... These men are WAY more important to me than the guy I can get sex from. Any gal can and will get that from a random guy if she needs it - but a friend? Those kind of men don't happen to most gals.

 

You must be capable of MAINTAINING that boundary - by NOT having sex with her again. IF I don't trust my male friends to stick with THAT boundary - they no longer are my friend!

[It happens]

2sunny, you are probably right about how she feels and I appreciate how you feel about your guy friends. As I said, I'm not going to say any more about it to her. Thank you for your take on it.

[2sunny]

Stick to this agreement. IF she attempts to change the terms while drinking - do not go there!

 

Unless the agreement is changed while in a clear state of mind - do not even consider it as an option.